My first thought was "oh, this again". And my next thought was, "it's sad that's my first thought".
I've had a pretty stressful 2013 and 2014 so far. In January, I made a lot of mistakes at my day job, plus I was still searching for a better job and new apartment. I have two part time jobs. One Day/Evening, One Night. And it's been hard to balance because I don't always get enough sleep, but I work hard and try to do my best at each.
Then, finally, I moved into a new apartment with what is probably the only real friend I've made since coming to LA. I was also offered to be trained in a supervisory position at my night job. I thought things were looking up.
Since then, I haven't heard anything else about the training, which is worrying and depressing me. Then tonight something was brought up at my night job. It's at a market research company for screenings. Basically my job (on the night in question) was to go screen a movie, come back to the office, tell the story to the staff, and everyone works on compiling the questionnaire information the guests fill out when they leave the theater. I tend to give a lot of information on the story, perhaps too much, but that night I was trying to be as concise as possible even though there was a lot that happened in the movie. I thought that I had done a good job at keeping it at a decent length.
Tonight, the supervisors showed us something they found on one of the notepads used that night with the following written "OMFG! Finish the story already fucking bitch!" The supervisor had copied the page. She showed it to everyone and then talked about how inappropriate it was and that when hired everyone had signed the harassment paperwork, etc. They didn't mention if they knew who it was or that it was me they were talking about, but it was pretty obvious to anyone who had worked the night before. No one said anything to me and still treated me the same, but I could feel their stares, you know.
Thing is I'm not exactly upset. In the past when things like this had happened, it really upset me. However, this time my first thought was "oh, this again". And my next thought was, "it's sad that's my first thought".
I won't lie that it hurts me, and I have cried a few tears of pity for myself, but maybe it's because I'm so tired from lack of sleep this week or it's happened so many times already that I just am indifferent to it. Problem is this just serves to make me more depressed.
It's times like these I understand why people kill themselves. When you realize you're alone. When you realize that you don't initiate friendships with people because you are afraid of getting hurt. Because the entire time you are with that person you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I have always tried to be nice to everyone. To put myself in their shoes and think about why they act the way they do so as not to judge them too harshly. I have very very few people I can say I hate. I also try never to say things I don't regret saying or wouldn't be afraid to tell someone to their face. I'm not saying I'm a saint, because I'm far from it, but I do try to be a good, honest person.
I try to put my faith and trust in people, but the problem is that they abuse it so many times that I've come to expect it. To never expect anyone to be there when I need them, which is why I rely on myself so much, because everyone else always lets me down. Many times I've heard people who I thought were my friends talk about me behind my back and then smile to my face.
When things like this happen, I start thinking "what do the others think of me?" "do they hate me too?" "What did I do?" "How do I fix it?"
First off, I know I shouldn't care what others think of me. Second, I'm being paranoid and not as many people I think hate me do, but the feeling just won't go away. And it's the last two that are important, because I know deep down, I didn't do anything wrong. It's not my fault. They didn't have the right to say those hurtful things about me just because I took a little longer to tell my movie, but I still feel that way. It's like it's ingrained in there and I keep thinking, what should I do differently to make them happy? To make them like me.
You can't make people like you. That's their decision. I shouldn't worry about changing myself just to make them like me. I should be me and they can like me or not like me for who I am. But, like everyone, I want people to like me so we can be friends. I feel like when you're a kid, making friends is pretty easy. I like soccer, you like soccer, we'll be friends. It doesn't seem to work like that as an adult, at least not for me.
I know this is all terribly depressing, but I just needed to get it out of my system so I'm not thinking about it constantly over the weekend, or longer. At least this is the last day at my night job until either Monday or Tuesday, so I have plenty of time to sort out my feelings. If by some miracle someone read this to the end, thank you. Thank you so much for caring. Because some days, like today, it's just enough to know someone cares.
Then, finally, I moved into a new apartment with what is probably the only real friend I've made since coming to LA. I was also offered to be trained in a supervisory position at my night job. I thought things were looking up.
Since then, I haven't heard anything else about the training, which is worrying and depressing me. Then tonight something was brought up at my night job. It's at a market research company for screenings. Basically my job (on the night in question) was to go screen a movie, come back to the office, tell the story to the staff, and everyone works on compiling the questionnaire information the guests fill out when they leave the theater. I tend to give a lot of information on the story, perhaps too much, but that night I was trying to be as concise as possible even though there was a lot that happened in the movie. I thought that I had done a good job at keeping it at a decent length.
Tonight, the supervisors showed us something they found on one of the notepads used that night with the following written "OMFG! Finish the story already fucking bitch!" The supervisor had copied the page. She showed it to everyone and then talked about how inappropriate it was and that when hired everyone had signed the harassment paperwork, etc. They didn't mention if they knew who it was or that it was me they were talking about, but it was pretty obvious to anyone who had worked the night before. No one said anything to me and still treated me the same, but I could feel their stares, you know.
Thing is I'm not exactly upset. In the past when things like this had happened, it really upset me. However, this time my first thought was "oh, this again". And my next thought was, "it's sad that's my first thought".
I won't lie that it hurts me, and I have cried a few tears of pity for myself, but maybe it's because I'm so tired from lack of sleep this week or it's happened so many times already that I just am indifferent to it. Problem is this just serves to make me more depressed.
It's times like these I understand why people kill themselves. When you realize you're alone. When you realize that you don't initiate friendships with people because you are afraid of getting hurt. Because the entire time you are with that person you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I have always tried to be nice to everyone. To put myself in their shoes and think about why they act the way they do so as not to judge them too harshly. I have very very few people I can say I hate. I also try never to say things I don't regret saying or wouldn't be afraid to tell someone to their face. I'm not saying I'm a saint, because I'm far from it, but I do try to be a good, honest person.
I try to put my faith and trust in people, but the problem is that they abuse it so many times that I've come to expect it. To never expect anyone to be there when I need them, which is why I rely on myself so much, because everyone else always lets me down. Many times I've heard people who I thought were my friends talk about me behind my back and then smile to my face.
When things like this happen, I start thinking "what do the others think of me?" "do they hate me too?" "What did I do?" "How do I fix it?"
First off, I know I shouldn't care what others think of me. Second, I'm being paranoid and not as many people I think hate me do, but the feeling just won't go away. And it's the last two that are important, because I know deep down, I didn't do anything wrong. It's not my fault. They didn't have the right to say those hurtful things about me just because I took a little longer to tell my movie, but I still feel that way. It's like it's ingrained in there and I keep thinking, what should I do differently to make them happy? To make them like me.
You can't make people like you. That's their decision. I shouldn't worry about changing myself just to make them like me. I should be me and they can like me or not like me for who I am. But, like everyone, I want people to like me so we can be friends. I feel like when you're a kid, making friends is pretty easy. I like soccer, you like soccer, we'll be friends. It doesn't seem to work like that as an adult, at least not for me.
I know this is all terribly depressing, but I just needed to get it out of my system so I'm not thinking about it constantly over the weekend, or longer. At least this is the last day at my night job until either Monday or Tuesday, so I have plenty of time to sort out my feelings. If by some miracle someone read this to the end, thank you. Thank you so much for caring. Because some days, like today, it's just enough to know someone cares.