Dean's Declassified Domestic Survival Guide
Title: Dean's Declassified Domestic Survival Guide
Rating: PG-13 (?)
Summary: There really isn't one for this.
A/N: It was 3 AM. I'm really, really sorry. This got away from me. It's probably not even as funny as I thought it was then (and still do).
Dean's Declassified Domestic Survival Guide
1) Making a barbeque is not like a salt and burn. The grill does not need to be soaked in a gallon of gasoline before you turn it on.
2) Talking about ex-girlfriends is not okay.
3) Talking about one night stands isn't okay either.
4) Especially in front of highly impressionable kids.
5) No matter how annoying he is, you can't call anyone's teacher a dickshit.
6) Even if he really, really is.
7) You don't actually need to dodge around the rent-a-cops in department stores. They're not all shapeshifters, and you're not actually doing anything illegal.
8) Even if she did send you out to buy tampons, which should be.
9) Guys like to talk about guns. Very few of them have ever handled one. Be careful of mentioning your first sawed off.
10) Screaming profanity at the other team isn't okay. Especially when it's Little League.
11) Discreetly testing the neighbors? Don't. Why? Well...
12) ...there's nickel in sterling silver and people are allergic to it. Who knew?
13) People move rugs. Don't try to hide Devil's Traps under them. It gets awkward.
14) Especially when your 79 year old, holy roller neighbor trips over your rug and sees 'em.
15) 12 year olds like chicks. That doesn't mean you have to sit him down for The Talk.
16) You know. The one about how chicks in bars are easiest and how avoiding the ones in truck stops like the plague is best for your health.
17) When you're hand-washing the doilies from the guest room because "they're too delicate for the machine", it's time to get a job.
18) She asks you to do something, you do it. It's lonely on the couch, man.
19) Reading a "good book" does not mean "read spellbooks". It means James Patterson and Tom Clancy. (or, you know. Jodi Picoult.)
20) When handling heavy machinery, it's best to not have gotten drunk the night before. No matter how bad the dreams get.
21) Crying? Tends to get you sympathy (which always gets you sex).
22) Just don't overdo number 21. Then you get found out.
23) Endorsing kids' get rich quick schemes? Good.
24) Teaching them how to hustle pool/poker/blackjack/whatever? Not so good.
25) It's good to get secrets off your chest.
26) Except for the one about Rhonda's panties.
27) If the town cougars are into you, AVOID AVOID AVOID. Old chicks are not that sexy. Especially married.
28) Apparently all that math crap you did in high school applies to life. Who knew?
29) Listen. And if you don't, at least look like you are.
30) Shit happens to everyone. When you're not going it alone you make damn sure they aren't either.
Rating: PG-13 (?)
Summary: There really isn't one for this.
A/N: It was 3 AM. I'm really, really sorry. This got away from me. It's probably not even as funny as I thought it was then (and still do).
Dean's Declassified Domestic Survival Guide
1) Making a barbeque is not like a salt and burn. The grill does not need to be soaked in a gallon of gasoline before you turn it on.
2) Talking about ex-girlfriends is not okay.
3) Talking about one night stands isn't okay either.
4) Especially in front of highly impressionable kids.
5) No matter how annoying he is, you can't call anyone's teacher a dickshit.
6) Even if he really, really is.
7) You don't actually need to dodge around the rent-a-cops in department stores. They're not all shapeshifters, and you're not actually doing anything illegal.
8) Even if she did send you out to buy tampons, which should be.
9) Guys like to talk about guns. Very few of them have ever handled one. Be careful of mentioning your first sawed off.
10) Screaming profanity at the other team isn't okay. Especially when it's Little League.
11) Discreetly testing the neighbors? Don't. Why? Well...
12) ...there's nickel in sterling silver and people are allergic to it. Who knew?
13) People move rugs. Don't try to hide Devil's Traps under them. It gets awkward.
14) Especially when your 79 year old, holy roller neighbor trips over your rug and sees 'em.
15) 12 year olds like chicks. That doesn't mean you have to sit him down for The Talk.
16) You know. The one about how chicks in bars are easiest and how avoiding the ones in truck stops like the plague is best for your health.
17) When you're hand-washing the doilies from the guest room because "they're too delicate for the machine", it's time to get a job.
18) She asks you to do something, you do it. It's lonely on the couch, man.
19) Reading a "good book" does not mean "read spellbooks". It means James Patterson and Tom Clancy. (or, you know. Jodi Picoult.)
20) When handling heavy machinery, it's best to not have gotten drunk the night before. No matter how bad the dreams get.
21) Crying? Tends to get you sympathy (which always gets you sex).
22) Just don't overdo number 21. Then you get found out.
23) Endorsing kids' get rich quick schemes? Good.
24) Teaching them how to hustle pool/poker/blackjack/whatever? Not so good.
25) It's good to get secrets off your chest.
26) Except for the one about Rhonda's panties.
27) If the town cougars are into you, AVOID AVOID AVOID. Old chicks are not that sexy. Especially married.
28) Apparently all that math crap you did in high school applies to life. Who knew?
29) Listen. And if you don't, at least look like you are.
30) Shit happens to everyone. When you're not going it alone you make damn sure they aren't either.