Regret
The first time my mom ever went white water rafting, I was such a fucking asshole.
She came home from Chicago, and she had bought us these amazing outfits, the best water shoes i have ever seen still to this and even little gloves... I was coming off of the quicksand.- At that point in my life, i only used it to detail clean the house when she was due home. I was also very anorexic, weighing 98 lbs. I was fucking hangry, and coming down with the flu, that constant flu I kept getting because i never ate. My bladder was so shy and acting stupid about the last few drops, and it made my kidneys ache. I was being an insatiable nightmare to her. Made everything complicated. Most of all, dinner. I was mad at the chicken sandwich because its what i taught myself to do in order to successfully starve with food sitting in front of my face. Harder than you think....
i made that whole visit fucking suck. I was supposed to meet her at karaoke one of the nights and I had to ditch that because of how sick I felt. I just couldn't let her give me a good time.... it wasnt even my first time white water rafting because she would sign me up on the trips offered by my summer camp. I had been at least 3 times..... that was her only time. When hospice said they wouldn't be giving her any stimulants, that particular dream got crushed. Just to do that all over and get it right.....
She asked me for another sleeping pill. I said id be understanding because its hard to sleep in a hospital, but please please don't sleep for the rest of your life. She said, "what life?", and in my sweetest voice, i said, "the time you have left with mee!". I especially want have time with her that she is enjoying as well..... i feel so fucking bad about that trip. And about my passport.
She got her passport, and sent me mor $ than i needed, instructing me to use that to acquire my passport as well. I didn't. I spent it. Hers expired last year. I don't even want to know what that caused me to miss out on with her....