I did poetry month in April. A poem a day for a month. Unedited... so anything I post will be Eeesh rough- but I'd love to get some critique on my favorite pieces:
The first two poems seem to be part of the same series. I think you should think about the narrative and/or thematic links between the different poems in the mask series (I'm asuming there are more than two) so that the series really coheres as a whole.
The second poem could be much more detailed in its portrayal of mask making. It's something many readers won't know much about, and won't be able to form a detailed image of the physical process, tools used, etc. without your help.
Strangely, I just got home from making masks for a cultural festival...
The last two poems read like songs. The last one is pretty cute and is my favourite poem of the batch.
As a mask maker, yes, a lot of my pieces deal with the subject of masks... although I never thought to tie them thematically into a series; which is interesting because I do that with lots of my other poems (all my fairytale poems use color the same way, all my poems about loss cover the same themes, all my meta poems reference my poems about loss etc.) I'm also really pleased that you recognized the second one specifically is about masks. When I posted it on my journal a few people were asking if it was about plastic surgery. While that's an interesting read, it's certainly not what I intended! (And those guys know me and my art!) What kind of masks were you making?
The last two were actually written in the style of Mountain Goats lyrics. When I read them I can practically hear John Darnielle singing. I haven't been a musician in about a decade though, so it would be pretty challenging for me to get what I hear in my head out as sheet music.
I'm not a poet, and haven't studied enough poetry to dare do a concrit. What I can do, however, is tell you how your poems made me feel.
The first one was overwhelming (which is good--if you don't bring some type of emotion out of a reader, I'd think that would indicate failure). It took me right back to a time in my life when I had to figuratively burn on a pyre and rise out of those ashes.
The second one was my favorite, I think because of the creative process within it. The third one made me feel smug and defiant, and hopeful. And I agree with chibibluebird --that last one did read like lyrics. I wanted music with it (that's not to say it should have music with it to be whole; that's just the emotion I got).
I appreciate this kind of insight just as much as a good concrit; if my poems don't make people feel and think then I'm not doing my job! The first one was tough to write because of where it took me, emotionally. I wanted to give the sense of the odd things we try to do after we've been broken and before we find the strength and courage to be responsible for our own rebirth. I'm glad it spoke to you.
I really like the second one too; it reads like metaphor, but it's the most literal poem in the bunch. It's how I feel when I create!
The last two were written in the style of song lyrics and I think it's pretty neat that people are picking that up right away. When I read them, I can actually hear John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats singing them... I'm not much of a musician, but maybe with the right software I could get the music out of my head so people could hear it.
Am no good at concrit-ing either but I would like to say I really liked the third one. That and the last one seem to lay bare exactly what they mean even though they're still obviously using metaphors (maybe that's partially why they seem more like songs). Err, I did think the second one was about plastic surgery- I like it a little better now I know its about mask making because that somehow seems less pretentious, but maybe you should look at trying to make it more explicit for people who have no idea about crafty things like me. Anyway, point being, I enjoyed :)
would you mind elaborating on the first one a little bit? Some of the cliches are on purpose because of the concept of the poem, but I am trying to turn them on their heads a little; so if that's not working, or if there are cliches I didn't intend to create, I'd love to know where they are exactly.
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The second poem could be much more detailed in its portrayal of mask making. It's something many readers won't know much about, and won't be able to form a detailed image of the physical process, tools used, etc. without your help.
Strangely, I just got home from making masks for a cultural festival...
The last two poems read like songs. The last one is pretty cute and is my favourite poem of the batch.
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The last two were actually written in the style of Mountain Goats lyrics. When I read them I can practically hear John Darnielle singing. I haven't been a musician in about a decade though, so it would be pretty challenging for me to get what I hear in my head out as sheet music.
Thanks for the input. :)
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The first one was overwhelming (which is good--if you don't bring some type of emotion out of a reader, I'd think that would indicate failure). It took me right back to a time in my life when I had to figuratively burn on a pyre and rise out of those ashes.
The second one was my favorite, I think because of the creative process within it. The third one made me feel smug and defiant, and hopeful. And I agree with chibibluebird --that last one did read like lyrics. I wanted music with it (that's not to say it should have music with it to be whole; that's just the emotion I got).
Thanks for sharing these with us.
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I really like the second one too; it reads like metaphor, but it's the most literal poem in the bunch. It's how I feel when I create!
The last two were written in the style of song lyrics and I think it's pretty neat that people are picking that up right away. When I read them, I can actually hear John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats singing them... I'm not much of a musician, but maybe with the right software I could get the music out of my head so people could hear it.
Thank you so much. :)
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Anyway, point being, I enjoyed :)
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I don't think I can say anything overly constructive about the 3rd and 4th, alas. Hope that's ok!
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