Comments | write_dattebayo: Week 4

tharrow in write_dattebayo

Week 4 - Journal Entry

Jun 06, 2011 16:59

Title: The Day We Said Goodbye
Author: Tharrow
Exercise: Journal Entry
Word Count: 464
Characters/Pairings: Naruto Uzumaki
Warnings: Slight spoilers for later chapters?
Reflection: In this I wanted to explore Naruto's feelings on Hinata's confession and how he felt when he had to leave. I thought it was strange he would leave without seeking her out, ( Read more... )

week 4: journal entry, author: tharrow

Comments 4

Naruto News: Sunday 5th & Monday 6th June, 2011 pingback_bot June 7 2011, 07:11:33 UTC

User evil_pantaloons referenced to your post from Naruto News: Sunday 5th & Monday 6th June, 2011 saying: [...] by [Kakashi/Sakura; G] The Day We Said Goodbye [...]

Critique 1/2 weisquared June 9 2011, 19:22:07 UTC

Well I don't know if I'm going to be the one assigned to give you a detailed critique, but I had some extra time, so I thought I might as well do it just in case.

Overall, I really liked your choice of topic. It bothered me too that the manga didn't address Naruto's response to Hinata's confession. Even if he didn't reciprocate, common courtesy would at least require him to acknowledge it and turn her down instead of ignoring it.

My main criticism would be that the piece sounds much more like a "stream of consciousness" type piece than a journal entry. For instance, you write "And now here we are... at the gates," but it's unlikely that Naruto was physically writing at that moment and unlikely he would phrase things that way if he were writing before/after, and the sentence structures seem much less like what people would write down.

A line by line critique is below:

I’ve always hated goodbyes. It wasn’t so much the actual parting as the finality behind that one word. Goodbye. (I like how you write "Goodbye" with a period ( ... )

Critique 2/2 weisquared June 9 2011, 19:23:34 UTC

When you said those words to me Hinata, it was like I’d never seen the sky before. (I couldn't tell if the switch to second person here was intentional due to Naruto getting more emotional or if it was unintentional) This could be the last time I saw you for so long and I couldn’t say a word. I couldn’t tell you what your confession had made me feel - and instead I had to watch you leave me in the dust, bewildered and lost for words again like…like so many times before. (I think this is a pretty good explanation for Naruto's lack of response. It's a mirroring of Hinata's previous inability.)

You say you were always watching me, racing to catch up, so you could walk beside me. But did you realise that it was you Hinata, leaving me behind you racing to catch-up? (I don't really understand how Hinata was leaving him behind in the past. Currently, it could be argued that she's leaving him behind by speaking when he couldn't, but that doesn't apply to the past.)I wonder a little why you chose me over all those other guys that would ( ... )

Re: Critique 2/2 tharrow June 9 2011, 20:04:36 UTC

I just wanted to say thankyou for taking the time and that this has really helped me!

It is mean't to be somewhat abstract because to me Naruto has the kind of mind that jumps all over the place and that was what would be reflected in writing. By leaving him behind, Naruto meant that in some ways she's stronger than him because she's always seeing and believing in him in a way no one else really has or that he has ever done in anyone else.