(no subject)
I pushed myself to make up for not making it last week.
If I had someone to talk to, someone I could trust…oh the things I would say. I’d tell them that the world isn’t as evil as it is made out to be. In fact, I have been pretty blessed. I’d tell them my deepest secrets, and I’d do this without fear of judgment. I know that as soon as someone reads what I’m about to say, they’ll think I’m moronic and naïve. They’ll probably find me foolish, and believe I’m over exaggerating my experiences. And maybe they’re right… maybe I am moronic and naïve.
I’ve had 5 relationships greatly affect me as of recent. By recent, I mean my whole life up until even today. These 5 relationships have fractured me, torn me, glued me, and healed me all at once. Without these 5 relationships, my life wouldn’t be a giant “what if…” but I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t have 4 or 5 or even 1 personality… I’d be what I’m accused of being by one of these 5, “a hollow shell”.
I wish I had a best friend. I used to have one. She was one of the very best friends I could ever ask for. I was her polar opposite, and I basically violated every one of her beliefs. Yet she still befriended me, and she never tried to change me. Due to other complications in life, though, she transferred schools mid-semester of this past year. She isn’t really around as much as she used to be, though which has left me confined in my own mind. It’s also forced me to trust people that I don’t believe I really ever should have trusted in the first place. I know she’s happy, so it’d be inconsiderate of me to beg for her back. She fits in better with her new friends, and her being happy is all I really could have hoped for, anyway.
Once I had a best guy friend. I basically ruined that relationship as well. I guess you could say that we fell in love with each other. Boy we fell hard… He saved me from one of the most complicated situations of my life, and I’ll always be grateful for that. In ways, him and I are still ‘in awe’ with each other, but it’s just a friend thing. I know if I ever needed anything, he’d be there right away to help. He’d simply just drop everything and come run to help me.
I also have a cousin, who is more like the sister I never
had. Immediately upon reading this, she’ll know who she is and she’ll probably hate me for writing her on paper. A lot of myself has developed via her influence. Especially in my childhood when she had convinced me that we were part monkey, and she got me to eat leaves. A monkey doesn’t even eat leaves, but this should show you how much influence she had over me. I looked up to her, and even today I still look up to her. She is the one person I had been closest to throughout my entire life; yet she is the one that makes me feel most ashamed of my choices.
Choices are what bring me to the fourth relationship. He was my first love, in all reality. I was hardly a teenager when I met him, but infatuation told me “I want this boy.” In retrospect, he is where my life totally went astray. I don’t know what I did to be so blinded by love that I couldn’t see this man for what he was, and even after all the signs, I never stopped giving him chances. I blatantly ignored everyone around me who told me to get away, and just dug my grave deeper.
This brings me to my final relationship, but somehow I haven’t ruined this one yet. He loves and cares about me more than anyone ever has bothered to show, let alone feel. Maybe I’m not the way I used to be when I’m with him… I may be a little more cautious or closed off, but I have my reasons. Oh these reasons run deep-- through my body and rushing in my blood stream. You’ll hear of these reasons, oh you shall. They make me who I am now, simply stated.
++++
I guess I should start at the beginning of where life started to change for me. I had just come into high school. I was a little lonely freshman whose only life was the marching band at school. I never knew that such a cult-like society could be existent within the concrete walls of a high school, but guess what? Marching Band is if I ever saw one. Lonely little freshman me befriended all of the upperclassmen. Thanks to rumors of my dear old best friend, most of the kids in my grade hated me, or just thought me weird. I didn’t really trust anyone.
I did, however, make a friend. Now this friend, however loving and influential she may be, isn’t one of the 5 mentioned above. She didn’t really change me, but was merely what you’d picture a mother to be--a safe secure person who was always there to help you stand on your own two feet. And “mommy” is what I called her. This friend introduced me to another friend of mine, and together, they introduced me to Euchre.
Now if you’re not from Michigan or even possibly Canada, you more than likely don’t know what Euchre is. Well my dear friends, it’s a card game-- a very complicated one at that. It’s difficult to explain, but once you understand what you’re doing, it’s simple. Now don’t think this story pointless, it all leads up to something of great complications. This is how I met him. I wont even give him enough credit to reveal his name. This is what it ends up coming down to, by the way. Don’t think you’ll find a fairy tale any time soon. If this was a fairy tale, then the wicked witch wins, and Cinderella never receives her glass slipper. It breaks, basically, and Prince Charming marries her stepsister. Yeah, that’s how bad this becomes.
Anyway, he decided to teach me how to play euchre. You see euchre is played with partners. So he decided to be my partner. At the site of him, my mouth dropped. And honestly, he wasn’t very much of a looker. But he paid attention to the lonely, drab-looking freshman that was playing cards with the upper classmen; or well, trying to play, anyway. He’d smile at me when I made a mistake, but he’d never yell. My heart raced and I got your stereotypical butterflies when he’d smile at me. But he had a girlfriend, and not to mention he was a junior. Little me-feeble freshman. Everything seemed hopeless.
One day, I told “mommy” that I had a crush on him, and she in turn told our other friend. Of course, it got back to him, however at the time I didn’t know this. Then school ended. I talked to him a few times over the summer, but that was it until late July. I had just turned 15 and was dating my friend. He was a sweetheart, but him and I were always just better off friends. I saw him at the pool-he was a lifeguard and I work at the concession stand-and he told me him and his girlfriend broke up. Sadly, I informed him I was taken. I had no idea that he knew I liked him. Oh the blindness of me…
Marching season started up again, and there’s a dance at band camp. Yes, I can actually say “this one time…at band camp…” but it’s really not like everyone thinks. Hard work, sweat, and sunburns later we are actually rewarded with a dance on Thursday night, the last night before we go home. There’s a complete hour of slow songs, and the seniors dance with everyone. He danced most of the night with me. Stupid silly me… I broke down and told him I couldn’t be his Euchre partner anymore… (Which was probably a shame, since I had become really good at the game). I had no idea why I told him this, but I confessed I had a crush on him.
The first day of September, the day after my friend and I broke up, he confesses he likes me. Oh joy upon joys, right? I was ecstatic. Rivers of excitement flowed through me for a good 5 days up until school started. On the first day of school, I rode my bike (oh so naively) to his house. He kissed me…
This is where my life suddenly became different. I was no longer the girl, who always chased, only to be dumped a few weeks later. I didn’t lower my standards, and date the guy’s best friend because I couldn’t have him (yes, I realize that’s a horrible thing to do). I was the girl who was liked back by the guy she had longed after for so long, and I can even remember telling “mommy” that I was “in lust” with him. I thought I had met my match… perhaps I did, but only in stubbornness and instability.
++++
Things started out grand. They usually do…
No telltale signs of the train wreck my life would become in a year’s time…wouldn’t a warning always be nice, though? A little “DANGER!” flashing in your face when you’re about to do something stupid. Yeah…that was my life as of last January. January 20, 2006 to be exact. This was the turning point. This was the peak of the relationship, as sad as it sounds. It wasn’t a straight up, straight down motion-but a gradual up and down, zigzag. But this was the peak. Maybe I’m a little ahead of myself…so I’ll rewind a bit.
His 18th birthday was at the end of October. Just a little less than 2 months of us dating. I didn’t want to control him, yet I knew that there were things about him I totally didn’t approve of. I was always the good girl. I let him have his fun-it’s not like we were getting married or anything. Or at least we hadn’t talked about it. Then one night, the question slipped. “Will you marry me?” What was I thinking? Could I honestly have convinced myself that the odds wouldn’t come crashing down? I was 15 years old. I wasn’t even 15 and a half…this was New Year’s Day. We had been dating less than 4 months. HOW FOOLISH I WAS! I said yes. I can’t even believe it to this day that I thought it would work.
20 days later, I gave him the gateway to completely tear my world apart. The embarrassment the admittance of things from my past will be tough to live down, but it’s not like the whole world didn’t find out anyway. I brought it upon myself, I guess. I started thinking it wasn’t such a big deal…but I was wrong. Lord, I was wrong.
Dumb young love. It makes you feel you’re invincible, and that nothing can touch you. As fast as he came, he left me. We had now been dating 6 months. He decided to give his ex girlfriend (yes, the previously mentioned one) another chance.
Somehow in all of this, I end up looking like the bad guy…but let me break it down for you, because honestly-I did nothing wrong. I did what any girl would do when someone steals their man from them…guilt trip. Now… I told him what the girl (whom I have nothing against, even to this day. She actually was my friend for a while-but I believe he told her lies, just like he told one of my previous mentioned friends, and she no longer talks to me) had told me. “I’m only back together with him to have a prom date.” Their senior prom… (he had already asked me to be his date…)
So I tell him this, and he thinks I’m lying-but I’m a terrible liar, and anyone who knows me well knows this to be truth. He calls me a few hours later telling me he’s leaving her…and he asks for me back. Later I find out he “hit it and quit it” as some would call it. He disgusts me…
She didn’t deserve that. Honestly, even though she made him miss her and he was dumb enough to fall for it, she didn’t deserve that. She loved him, probably just the same as I…he was her first-he was mine. He used both of us, really… (he’ll continue to try, too).
We got back together (once again, stupid), and things seemed to be going great again. Then this issue with smoking came about. I wanted him to quit. I really honest to God did. I tried, I’d make him promise. He would promise, but then break his promise. (Somehow I was still supposed to trust him?)
He told me “You don’t know how cool you’d be if you did,” and “Don’t try to control my life…you’re as bad as my mother.” Low blow number one… he made me start crying… but apparently caring isn’t his strong point. “Okay little miss suicidal. Go in the corner and cut yourself.” Low blow number two. How much of this can I take before I break?
I tried smoking the next day.
Dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life…right next to January 20. Counting the ways he’s ruined/changed/affected me would be like counting every single star in every galaxy. The possibilities are endless…
If I had someone to talk to, someone I could trust…oh the things I would say. I’d tell them that the world isn’t as evil as it is made out to be. In fact, I have been pretty blessed. I’d tell them my deepest secrets, and I’d do this without fear of judgment. I know that as soon as someone reads what I’m about to say, they’ll think I’m moronic and naïve. They’ll probably find me foolish, and believe I’m over exaggerating my experiences. And maybe they’re right… maybe I am moronic and naïve.
I’ve had 5 relationships greatly affect me as of recent. By recent, I mean my whole life up until even today. These 5 relationships have fractured me, torn me, glued me, and healed me all at once. Without these 5 relationships, my life wouldn’t be a giant “what if…” but I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t have 4 or 5 or even 1 personality… I’d be what I’m accused of being by one of these 5, “a hollow shell”.
I wish I had a best friend. I used to have one. She was one of the very best friends I could ever ask for. I was her polar opposite, and I basically violated every one of her beliefs. Yet she still befriended me, and she never tried to change me. Due to other complications in life, though, she transferred schools mid-semester of this past year. She isn’t really around as much as she used to be, though which has left me confined in my own mind. It’s also forced me to trust people that I don’t believe I really ever should have trusted in the first place. I know she’s happy, so it’d be inconsiderate of me to beg for her back. She fits in better with her new friends, and her being happy is all I really could have hoped for, anyway.
Once I had a best guy friend. I basically ruined that relationship as well. I guess you could say that we fell in love with each other. Boy we fell hard… He saved me from one of the most complicated situations of my life, and I’ll always be grateful for that. In ways, him and I are still ‘in awe’ with each other, but it’s just a friend thing. I know if I ever needed anything, he’d be there right away to help. He’d simply just drop everything and come run to help me.
I also have a cousin, who is more like the sister I never
had. Immediately upon reading this, she’ll know who she is and she’ll probably hate me for writing her on paper. A lot of myself has developed via her influence. Especially in my childhood when she had convinced me that we were part monkey, and she got me to eat leaves. A monkey doesn’t even eat leaves, but this should show you how much influence she had over me. I looked up to her, and even today I still look up to her. She is the one person I had been closest to throughout my entire life; yet she is the one that makes me feel most ashamed of my choices.
Choices are what bring me to the fourth relationship. He was my first love, in all reality. I was hardly a teenager when I met him, but infatuation told me “I want this boy.” In retrospect, he is where my life totally went astray. I don’t know what I did to be so blinded by love that I couldn’t see this man for what he was, and even after all the signs, I never stopped giving him chances. I blatantly ignored everyone around me who told me to get away, and just dug my grave deeper.
This brings me to my final relationship, but somehow I haven’t ruined this one yet. He loves and cares about me more than anyone ever has bothered to show, let alone feel. Maybe I’m not the way I used to be when I’m with him… I may be a little more cautious or closed off, but I have my reasons. Oh these reasons run deep-- through my body and rushing in my blood stream. You’ll hear of these reasons, oh you shall. They make me who I am now, simply stated.
++++
I guess I should start at the beginning of where life started to change for me. I had just come into high school. I was a little lonely freshman whose only life was the marching band at school. I never knew that such a cult-like society could be existent within the concrete walls of a high school, but guess what? Marching Band is if I ever saw one. Lonely little freshman me befriended all of the upperclassmen. Thanks to rumors of my dear old best friend, most of the kids in my grade hated me, or just thought me weird. I didn’t really trust anyone.
I did, however, make a friend. Now this friend, however loving and influential she may be, isn’t one of the 5 mentioned above. She didn’t really change me, but was merely what you’d picture a mother to be--a safe secure person who was always there to help you stand on your own two feet. And “mommy” is what I called her. This friend introduced me to another friend of mine, and together, they introduced me to Euchre.
Now if you’re not from Michigan or even possibly Canada, you more than likely don’t know what Euchre is. Well my dear friends, it’s a card game-- a very complicated one at that. It’s difficult to explain, but once you understand what you’re doing, it’s simple. Now don’t think this story pointless, it all leads up to something of great complications. This is how I met him. I wont even give him enough credit to reveal his name. This is what it ends up coming down to, by the way. Don’t think you’ll find a fairy tale any time soon. If this was a fairy tale, then the wicked witch wins, and Cinderella never receives her glass slipper. It breaks, basically, and Prince Charming marries her stepsister. Yeah, that’s how bad this becomes.
Anyway, he decided to teach me how to play euchre. You see euchre is played with partners. So he decided to be my partner. At the site of him, my mouth dropped. And honestly, he wasn’t very much of a looker. But he paid attention to the lonely, drab-looking freshman that was playing cards with the upper classmen; or well, trying to play, anyway. He’d smile at me when I made a mistake, but he’d never yell. My heart raced and I got your stereotypical butterflies when he’d smile at me. But he had a girlfriend, and not to mention he was a junior. Little me-feeble freshman. Everything seemed hopeless.
One day, I told “mommy” that I had a crush on him, and she in turn told our other friend. Of course, it got back to him, however at the time I didn’t know this. Then school ended. I talked to him a few times over the summer, but that was it until late July. I had just turned 15 and was dating my friend. He was a sweetheart, but him and I were always just better off friends. I saw him at the pool-he was a lifeguard and I work at the concession stand-and he told me him and his girlfriend broke up. Sadly, I informed him I was taken. I had no idea that he knew I liked him. Oh the blindness of me…
Marching season started up again, and there’s a dance at band camp. Yes, I can actually say “this one time…at band camp…” but it’s really not like everyone thinks. Hard work, sweat, and sunburns later we are actually rewarded with a dance on Thursday night, the last night before we go home. There’s a complete hour of slow songs, and the seniors dance with everyone. He danced most of the night with me. Stupid silly me… I broke down and told him I couldn’t be his Euchre partner anymore… (Which was probably a shame, since I had become really good at the game). I had no idea why I told him this, but I confessed I had a crush on him.
The first day of September, the day after my friend and I broke up, he confesses he likes me. Oh joy upon joys, right? I was ecstatic. Rivers of excitement flowed through me for a good 5 days up until school started. On the first day of school, I rode my bike (oh so naively) to his house. He kissed me…
This is where my life suddenly became different. I was no longer the girl, who always chased, only to be dumped a few weeks later. I didn’t lower my standards, and date the guy’s best friend because I couldn’t have him (yes, I realize that’s a horrible thing to do). I was the girl who was liked back by the guy she had longed after for so long, and I can even remember telling “mommy” that I was “in lust” with him. I thought I had met my match… perhaps I did, but only in stubbornness and instability.
++++
Things started out grand. They usually do…
No telltale signs of the train wreck my life would become in a year’s time…wouldn’t a warning always be nice, though? A little “DANGER!” flashing in your face when you’re about to do something stupid. Yeah…that was my life as of last January. January 20, 2006 to be exact. This was the turning point. This was the peak of the relationship, as sad as it sounds. It wasn’t a straight up, straight down motion-but a gradual up and down, zigzag. But this was the peak. Maybe I’m a little ahead of myself…so I’ll rewind a bit.
His 18th birthday was at the end of October. Just a little less than 2 months of us dating. I didn’t want to control him, yet I knew that there were things about him I totally didn’t approve of. I was always the good girl. I let him have his fun-it’s not like we were getting married or anything. Or at least we hadn’t talked about it. Then one night, the question slipped. “Will you marry me?” What was I thinking? Could I honestly have convinced myself that the odds wouldn’t come crashing down? I was 15 years old. I wasn’t even 15 and a half…this was New Year’s Day. We had been dating less than 4 months. HOW FOOLISH I WAS! I said yes. I can’t even believe it to this day that I thought it would work.
20 days later, I gave him the gateway to completely tear my world apart. The embarrassment the admittance of things from my past will be tough to live down, but it’s not like the whole world didn’t find out anyway. I brought it upon myself, I guess. I started thinking it wasn’t such a big deal…but I was wrong. Lord, I was wrong.
Dumb young love. It makes you feel you’re invincible, and that nothing can touch you. As fast as he came, he left me. We had now been dating 6 months. He decided to give his ex girlfriend (yes, the previously mentioned one) another chance.
Somehow in all of this, I end up looking like the bad guy…but let me break it down for you, because honestly-I did nothing wrong. I did what any girl would do when someone steals their man from them…guilt trip. Now… I told him what the girl (whom I have nothing against, even to this day. She actually was my friend for a while-but I believe he told her lies, just like he told one of my previous mentioned friends, and she no longer talks to me) had told me. “I’m only back together with him to have a prom date.” Their senior prom… (he had already asked me to be his date…)
So I tell him this, and he thinks I’m lying-but I’m a terrible liar, and anyone who knows me well knows this to be truth. He calls me a few hours later telling me he’s leaving her…and he asks for me back. Later I find out he “hit it and quit it” as some would call it. He disgusts me…
She didn’t deserve that. Honestly, even though she made him miss her and he was dumb enough to fall for it, she didn’t deserve that. She loved him, probably just the same as I…he was her first-he was mine. He used both of us, really… (he’ll continue to try, too).
We got back together (once again, stupid), and things seemed to be going great again. Then this issue with smoking came about. I wanted him to quit. I really honest to God did. I tried, I’d make him promise. He would promise, but then break his promise. (Somehow I was still supposed to trust him?)
He told me “You don’t know how cool you’d be if you did,” and “Don’t try to control my life…you’re as bad as my mother.” Low blow number one… he made me start crying… but apparently caring isn’t his strong point. “Okay little miss suicidal. Go in the corner and cut yourself.” Low blow number two. How much of this can I take before I break?
I tried smoking the next day.
Dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life…right next to January 20. Counting the ways he’s ruined/changed/affected me would be like counting every single star in every galaxy. The possibilities are endless…