(Untitled)

[bookgirl_allure]

Hi All!

I'm Kelly and I'm going into my Sophomore year of college at PSU. I'm a Sec. Ed. English/Communications major, so basically, I'll be a high school English teacher. I hope to bypass the "Romeo and Juliet" years (even though that play will always be close to my heart) and move right along to "Othello", "Macbeth", and "Much Ado About Nothing".

Comments

[gravityslave]

Hello! I'm new to writer_girls too. Just joined today.

My suggestions are just that and nothing more, and I certainly don't claim to be an expert, but here goes:

I like the tone, and am curious to see where this story goes.

Some of the sentences seem a bit passive; for example, I'd probably change "He had been staring at her from across the crowded room like a tiger patiently stalking his prey since the moment she had sashayed through the door in her sexy, little red dress." to "Since the moment she had sashayed through the door in her sexy, little red dress, he had been staring at her from across the crowded room like a tiger patiently stalking his prey." and "as she turned hastily to her bleached-blond, big-boobed, best friend, Candy." to "as she turned hastily to Candy, her bleached-blond, big-boobed best friend."

Aside from that, I have no input, but would like to read the rest!
Welcome to the comm. :)

[bookgirl_allure]

Thanks for the suggestions! I really appreciate it. Just for further reference, how can I tell if a sentence that I write is "too passive"? Anyway, I'm glad you pointed that out to me and showed me how to fix it! :)

[gravityslave]

Hey, no worries. :) You just try to write the active part of the sentence before the passive part, placing the emphasis on the action so the sentence doesn't seem so long.
I'm not up on my terms (because high schools in Canada no longer bother to teach grammar and universities assume we already know it) but hopefully that makes sense. Maybe someone else in the comm knows how to better express what I mean? Calling all comm members!

[bookgirl_allure]

Actually, I completely understand what you meant. Sometimes explaining is better than termination and I so get about high school and grammar. That's happening more and more in the states as well. What's sad for me though, is the fact that I'm technically an English major. =^^=

Thanks again!