Stargate -- An Apple a Day -- Day 4
loosely based on wtf27, prompt 013: Fuck or Die
little damn table
also written for au100, prompt 023: Lovers
half-sized damn table
This is a crossover fic, Stargate SG-1/Others. Full list (to date) can be found here.
Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3
"There’s no big red shiny button"
An Apple a Day: Day 4 | Prompt 013: Fuck or Die | NC-17 | 1493 words | 4 of 20
“O’Neill was correct that it will be unnecessary to stop any plans TheBrain develops,” Teal’c said. “The one called Pinky always causes them to fail in the television show.”
“Ok,” Daniel said, but he was unconvinced. He glanced at the pair of mice sitting in their cage on one of his lab desks. The cage was pulled up to the bottom of one of the blackboards and the mouse called Brain was instructing Pinky on their newest plan in a low, earnest voice. He didn’t seem to notice that Pinky was playing a game of Tic Tac Toe with the bunch of talking - and rock-and-roll playing - flies that had come through the ‘gate that morning. They were from some show on the Disney channel, according to Jack and Teal’c’s research.
“Brain,” Pinky said suddenly. “That plan won’t work.”
“And why is that?” the Brain asked tensely.
“There’s no big red shiny button,” Pinky said, as if it were obvious. “Narf! Three in a row, I win!”
Daniel shook his head. “You might have a point.”
”Indeed,” Teal’c said. “O’Neill and I filed reports on Animaniacs, The Fairly Oddparents, Danny Phantom, and The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. There should be copies in your inbox after lunch.”
“Which - look at the time, kids! - is right now,” Jack said from the door. “You need to help me drag Carter away from her doohickeys.”
Daniel stood and stretched, signaling for the SF in the hall to come into the lab and guard the mice. “It isn’t me, for once,” Daniel pointed out, and Jack clapped him on the shoulder with a grin.
***
Sam wound down her bout of technobabble and Daniel subtly kicked Jack in the ankle to bring his attention back to the conversation. “So you’re basically saying you’ve got nothing,” Jack interrupted, surprising the rest of his team. “What? I was paying attention. Oh, and ow, Daniel.”
“Yes, sir,” Sam said with a smirk as Daniel stammered an apology. “None of it makes any sense. And the ghost kid and - ”
“Danny, Tucker, and Sam,” Jack supplied. “Why does everyone have the same names around here?”
“Whatever,” Sam said delicately. “They won’t leave my lab. They say it reminds them of home.”
“They’ve got to be better than the mice camped out in mine,” Daniel said. He poked the slab of brown something on his plate and then pushed his tray away. “And that Grim Reaper keeps poking his head in my office. It’s creeping me out.”
“TimmyTurner joined me last night to watch television after you vacated the base, O’Neill,” Teal’c added. “It appears you are the only one without a shadow.”
“Seems like,” Jack said absently.
“I should be getting back to work,” Sam said. “Tucker was eying the naquada generator a bit too eagerly when you guys dragged me away.” She pushed her tray away and stood.
“I’ll go with you,” Daniel said, standing as well. “I desperately need to see something other than the insides of my office and the commissary. I’m going stir-crazy. See you guys later.”
Teal’c inclined his head solemnly and Jack waved his spoon before disappearing back into his Jello cup. Daniel and Sam talked about nothing consequential as they walked through the halls back to Sam’s lab. They stopped short as they rounded the last corner into the hallway with the hard science labs. Wakko, Yakko, and Dot were standing outside her door, singing:
“It's a great big universe,
And we're all really puny.
We're just tiny little specks
About the size of Mickey Rooney.
Though we don't know how it got here,
Real important part here:
It's a big universe and it's ours!”
Sam sighed and started banging her head against the nearest bulkhead.
***
Daniel took a deep breath and smiled. His office, for the first time since this mess started, was perfectly silent; no small children chattering about nonexistent comic books, no mice plotting world domination, no flying objects, no ghosts walking through walls... Daniel closed his eyes happily.
“Daniel!” Jack’s voice interrupted his happy reverie. “You’ve got to help me.”
“Yes, Jack?” Daniel asked. “What now? Have the children found you at last?”
“Nope,” Jack said, sitting on the edge of Daniel’s desk and barely missing the table from KR7-903 on it. “Hammond didn’t like the reports we gave him.”
“Let me see them,” Daniel said, taking the thin sheaf of papers from Jack’s hand and chasing him off the desk and into a chair. He flipped through the stack of typed sheets and then looked up at Jack. “Of course he didn’t like them. There’s no organization to it, no conclusion, nothing. Jack...”
“It’s not your normal report,” Jack said dismissively, shrugging. “I didn’t know how to format it, so we just typed up our notes and gave them to him. Can you fix it?”
Daniel heaved a long-suffering sigh. “I’ll try. Did you send me a copy of the file?” Jack nodded, and in a moment, Daniel had it pulled up and was cutting and pasting whole sections, adding headings and subsections, explaining everything to Jack as he went. He was convinced that Jack had zoned out completely, but he continued out of habit.
Also out of habit, he added a section titled “Cultural Implications” before the conclusion at the end. He went to delete it, but Jack’s hand landed on his shoulder and he stopped. “I was going to mention something we noticed that the shows have in common, but I couldn’t really see how it mattered,” Jack said. “It’s weird. All of the shows are about children without any real pain or fear. Even with evil babysitters or battling ghosts or whatever, they’re all generally happy. I thought it was an indicator of a cultural ideal of a ‘perfect’ childhood, despite setting up situations to make the audience feel for the main characters.” Daniel gaped and Jack stopped short. “I think I might have been over-thinking things a bit.”
“No, not at all,” Daniel said, typing furiously. He looked cautiously at the door and lowered his voice. “God, you’re so hot when you talk like that,” he said hoarsely.
“Storeroom 21C in ten minutes?” Jack whispered, winking, and Daniel nodded breathlessly.
“I’ll be there in five.”
“Thanks so much for the help, Daniel,” Jack said at normal volume. “The general wants it on his desk by 1400 hours.”
“I think I can get it done by then,” Daniel said mock-grudgingly. “Get out and let me work.” Jack turned his back on the camera, smirked, and then left. Daniel finished up the report, saved it, and stood. “Need more paper for the printer,” he said to the air. He put his computer into standby and hurried to the storeroom. He barely had to open the door before a hand reached out and pulled him inside.
Daniel spun them quickly, pressing Jack against the door and kissing him breathless. “Erudition,” he gasped between kisses, hands snaking up under Jack’s t-shirt. “Oh God, not fair.”
Jack would have smirked but he was panting too hard. “You should have seen your face,” he managed. “Almost melted your glasses.” He dove down to suck at Daniel’s neck just under the collar of his shirt, hands sliding down to struggle with Daniel’s flies. Daniel groaned and started to do the same.
Somehow they managed to get each other’s pants around their ankles, but the were on the other side of the storeroom, pressed against the wall across from the door. Daniel had his hand in Jack’s boxers, stroking him firmly, but Jack’s hands had settled on Daniel’s hips, head thrown back and panting. He was so loud, the didn’t hear the click of the door opening.
“Sir?” Carter’s voice said from the door, less shocked than one might have expected. Daniel squeaked and dragged them both behind a shelf of stationary supplies.
“Um, aliens made us do it?” Jack offered, poking his head out from behind the shelf. There was some frantic rustling as they hurried to put their clothes back on.
“Similar to the situation on P2S-641?” Teal’c asked, but neither he nor Carter looked convinced.
“No, that was life or death,” Daniel said, zipping his fly and stepping out into the open. His entire face was bright red. “This, um, wasn’t.”
“Indeed,” Teal’c said. “If there has been an alien incursion, I believe we should notify GeneralHammond immediately.”
“Ha ha,” Jack said nervously. “Was that a joke, T? I can never tell.” Teal’c gave them his usual serene look and left the closet. Daniel grabbed a ream of paper and held it to his chest like a security blanket. “No snickering, Carter,” Jack said futilely, and they all left the room.
A few flies appeared from behind a shelf and flew out through the crack under the door. “They’re cute, for humans,” one of them said and they all started to giggle. “Sometimes I love being a fly on the wall!”
Feedback is better than chocolate
little damn table
also written for au100, prompt 023: Lovers
half-sized damn table
This is a crossover fic, Stargate SG-1/Others. Full list (to date) can be found here.
Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3
"There’s no big red shiny button"
An Apple a Day: Day 4 | Prompt 013: Fuck or Die | NC-17 | 1493 words | 4 of 20
“O’Neill was correct that it will be unnecessary to stop any plans TheBrain develops,” Teal’c said. “The one called Pinky always causes them to fail in the television show.”
“Ok,” Daniel said, but he was unconvinced. He glanced at the pair of mice sitting in their cage on one of his lab desks. The cage was pulled up to the bottom of one of the blackboards and the mouse called Brain was instructing Pinky on their newest plan in a low, earnest voice. He didn’t seem to notice that Pinky was playing a game of Tic Tac Toe with the bunch of talking - and rock-and-roll playing - flies that had come through the ‘gate that morning. They were from some show on the Disney channel, according to Jack and Teal’c’s research.
“Brain,” Pinky said suddenly. “That plan won’t work.”
“And why is that?” the Brain asked tensely.
“There’s no big red shiny button,” Pinky said, as if it were obvious. “Narf! Three in a row, I win!”
Daniel shook his head. “You might have a point.”
”Indeed,” Teal’c said. “O’Neill and I filed reports on Animaniacs, The Fairly Oddparents, Danny Phantom, and The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. There should be copies in your inbox after lunch.”
“Which - look at the time, kids! - is right now,” Jack said from the door. “You need to help me drag Carter away from her doohickeys.”
Daniel stood and stretched, signaling for the SF in the hall to come into the lab and guard the mice. “It isn’t me, for once,” Daniel pointed out, and Jack clapped him on the shoulder with a grin.
***
Sam wound down her bout of technobabble and Daniel subtly kicked Jack in the ankle to bring his attention back to the conversation. “So you’re basically saying you’ve got nothing,” Jack interrupted, surprising the rest of his team. “What? I was paying attention. Oh, and ow, Daniel.”
“Yes, sir,” Sam said with a smirk as Daniel stammered an apology. “None of it makes any sense. And the ghost kid and - ”
“Danny, Tucker, and Sam,” Jack supplied. “Why does everyone have the same names around here?”
“Whatever,” Sam said delicately. “They won’t leave my lab. They say it reminds them of home.”
“They’ve got to be better than the mice camped out in mine,” Daniel said. He poked the slab of brown something on his plate and then pushed his tray away. “And that Grim Reaper keeps poking his head in my office. It’s creeping me out.”
“TimmyTurner joined me last night to watch television after you vacated the base, O’Neill,” Teal’c added. “It appears you are the only one without a shadow.”
“Seems like,” Jack said absently.
“I should be getting back to work,” Sam said. “Tucker was eying the naquada generator a bit too eagerly when you guys dragged me away.” She pushed her tray away and stood.
“I’ll go with you,” Daniel said, standing as well. “I desperately need to see something other than the insides of my office and the commissary. I’m going stir-crazy. See you guys later.”
Teal’c inclined his head solemnly and Jack waved his spoon before disappearing back into his Jello cup. Daniel and Sam talked about nothing consequential as they walked through the halls back to Sam’s lab. They stopped short as they rounded the last corner into the hallway with the hard science labs. Wakko, Yakko, and Dot were standing outside her door, singing:
“It's a great big universe,
And we're all really puny.
We're just tiny little specks
About the size of Mickey Rooney.
Though we don't know how it got here,
Real important part here:
It's a big universe and it's ours!”
Sam sighed and started banging her head against the nearest bulkhead.
***
Daniel took a deep breath and smiled. His office, for the first time since this mess started, was perfectly silent; no small children chattering about nonexistent comic books, no mice plotting world domination, no flying objects, no ghosts walking through walls... Daniel closed his eyes happily.
“Daniel!” Jack’s voice interrupted his happy reverie. “You’ve got to help me.”
“Yes, Jack?” Daniel asked. “What now? Have the children found you at last?”
“Nope,” Jack said, sitting on the edge of Daniel’s desk and barely missing the table from KR7-903 on it. “Hammond didn’t like the reports we gave him.”
“Let me see them,” Daniel said, taking the thin sheaf of papers from Jack’s hand and chasing him off the desk and into a chair. He flipped through the stack of typed sheets and then looked up at Jack. “Of course he didn’t like them. There’s no organization to it, no conclusion, nothing. Jack...”
“It’s not your normal report,” Jack said dismissively, shrugging. “I didn’t know how to format it, so we just typed up our notes and gave them to him. Can you fix it?”
Daniel heaved a long-suffering sigh. “I’ll try. Did you send me a copy of the file?” Jack nodded, and in a moment, Daniel had it pulled up and was cutting and pasting whole sections, adding headings and subsections, explaining everything to Jack as he went. He was convinced that Jack had zoned out completely, but he continued out of habit.
Also out of habit, he added a section titled “Cultural Implications” before the conclusion at the end. He went to delete it, but Jack’s hand landed on his shoulder and he stopped. “I was going to mention something we noticed that the shows have in common, but I couldn’t really see how it mattered,” Jack said. “It’s weird. All of the shows are about children without any real pain or fear. Even with evil babysitters or battling ghosts or whatever, they’re all generally happy. I thought it was an indicator of a cultural ideal of a ‘perfect’ childhood, despite setting up situations to make the audience feel for the main characters.” Daniel gaped and Jack stopped short. “I think I might have been over-thinking things a bit.”
“No, not at all,” Daniel said, typing furiously. He looked cautiously at the door and lowered his voice. “God, you’re so hot when you talk like that,” he said hoarsely.
“Storeroom 21C in ten minutes?” Jack whispered, winking, and Daniel nodded breathlessly.
“I’ll be there in five.”
“Thanks so much for the help, Daniel,” Jack said at normal volume. “The general wants it on his desk by 1400 hours.”
“I think I can get it done by then,” Daniel said mock-grudgingly. “Get out and let me work.” Jack turned his back on the camera, smirked, and then left. Daniel finished up the report, saved it, and stood. “Need more paper for the printer,” he said to the air. He put his computer into standby and hurried to the storeroom. He barely had to open the door before a hand reached out and pulled him inside.
Daniel spun them quickly, pressing Jack against the door and kissing him breathless. “Erudition,” he gasped between kisses, hands snaking up under Jack’s t-shirt. “Oh God, not fair.”
Jack would have smirked but he was panting too hard. “You should have seen your face,” he managed. “Almost melted your glasses.” He dove down to suck at Daniel’s neck just under the collar of his shirt, hands sliding down to struggle with Daniel’s flies. Daniel groaned and started to do the same.
Somehow they managed to get each other’s pants around their ankles, but the were on the other side of the storeroom, pressed against the wall across from the door. Daniel had his hand in Jack’s boxers, stroking him firmly, but Jack’s hands had settled on Daniel’s hips, head thrown back and panting. He was so loud, the didn’t hear the click of the door opening.
“Sir?” Carter’s voice said from the door, less shocked than one might have expected. Daniel squeaked and dragged them both behind a shelf of stationary supplies.
“Um, aliens made us do it?” Jack offered, poking his head out from behind the shelf. There was some frantic rustling as they hurried to put their clothes back on.
“Similar to the situation on P2S-641?” Teal’c asked, but neither he nor Carter looked convinced.
“No, that was life or death,” Daniel said, zipping his fly and stepping out into the open. His entire face was bright red. “This, um, wasn’t.”
“Indeed,” Teal’c said. “If there has been an alien incursion, I believe we should notify GeneralHammond immediately.”
“Ha ha,” Jack said nervously. “Was that a joke, T? I can never tell.” Teal’c gave them his usual serene look and left the closet. Daniel grabbed a ream of paper and held it to his chest like a security blanket. “No snickering, Carter,” Jack said futilely, and they all left the room.
A few flies appeared from behind a shelf and flew out through the crack under the door. “They’re cute, for humans,” one of them said and they all started to giggle. “Sometimes I love being a fly on the wall!”
Feedback is better than chocolate