Comments | writers_guild: Urban fantasy set in Bradford, West Yorkshire, about psychics and werewolves.

the_silver_sun in writers_guild

Urban fantasy set in Bradford, West Yorkshire, about psychics and werewolves.

Apr 25, 2014 13:50

Okay, this is the first 400 words or so of what I've got for my first chapter, and I wondered if anybody would like to give their opinion on whether the start is engaging enough to make them want to read more.

( Placing my hands on the picture frame I closed my eyes and tried to look into its past. Something that would have been a lot easier, I thought irritably, if the valuer from the auction house wasn't standing far too close to me and if he weren't wearing the stinkiest aftershave ever. )

Comments 4

akcipitrokulo April 26 2014, 07:17:57 UTC

I loved the first sentence - definitely wanted to continue!

YMMV, but I tend to find stuffing in details like the names of companies a bit off-putting - if the name of the companies are important, it'll come out naturally, but putting it in at this early stage interrupts the flow. Same goes for not being a partner yet, hoping that it would be - same effect could be achieved by mentioning that character was ordered to go because their boss had better things to do on a Friday!

There were a couple of other bits I wondered if it was absolutely necessary, but even with those small points - yeah, I'd want to read more!

One thing I did feel was missing was WHY it's a short notice - if the character was wondering what was causing the short notice, why such a rush in an industry not noted for rush jobs (I assume that's a plot point?) then that would show that it was going to be answered, and would also pull me in even more!

the_silver_sun April 26 2014, 15:14:37 UTC

Thank you for reading through. I think I might move the company name slightly later, as there is a point where it can get mentioned when a person arrives just after he has locked up and asked him whether he's Carroll or Binns?

The rush job part does make it seem like it would be a plot point and it really was just a reason for him to be working late. I think I'll change it him having agreed to do some overtime as he needs the money to get his car fixed. The needing more money part if why he takes on a case out side of work which is the main plot, and is the person who talks to him after he's just locked up.

akcipitrokulo April 27 2014, 08:04:39 UTC

Sounds good :-) let me know when you finish it !

the_silver_sun April 27 2014, 09:06:32 UTC

I might be some time before it is finished as I'm planning on it being a full length book, about 75k length or so. I'll post bits of it here as I write, but my intention is one day get it to a publishable state, so I know I'm not going to be able to post it in full.

If you'd like to read more and maybe give an opinion on it, I could PM you the chapters as they are done.