Void

[midnight_lover]

Today, the pen is in command

And I am the slave.

Move. It says, and I find myself

Filling in the canvas

With splattered ink

No thoughts attached.

Comments

[ziggyzest]

Hey! :) With all due respect and no offense meant and writing this because I'm new and want to stick to the rules of " comment first, write afterwards" ( or in my case " comment, then write, then comment. lol) in my opinion this piece is okay but could be better if it were expanded upon because at the moment it reads more like the start of a poem than a complete one..... I'd suggest exploring the whole concept of "Void" further, maybe throwing in a few metaphors, likening different voids together, etc?
Just an idea. Hope I haven't offended you by saying it. :)

[midnight_lover]

Thank you for your comment. Don't worry I'm not offended or anything.

I do plan to add more lines on this. Office tasks just got in the way. LOL.

[ziggyzest]

:)! Thanks for the reply. Phew, I'm glad I didn't offend you. I'm not all that good/experienced at critique you see and so am afraid of being heavy-handed. I'm glad to hear I only echoed existing personal ideas for this poem.

Anyway. Nice to meet you! :) Office work, huh? Gosh you must have a full schedule indeed! Well done for still finding time to write! I'm self-employed and it's still difficult not to let work ( and life) get in the way of things! :)
Good luck to both of us with our poetry, eh?

P.S : I love your user pic! Van Gogh rocks! ;)

[chibibluebird]

let's *see* the splattered ink, no thoughts attached.

don't just describe it...

[kenosis]

"Canvass" is misspelled and there's a tense change (I found myself) that takes the reader away.

oooppss

[midnight_lover]

Sorry. This was posted in a rush.

Re: oooppss

[landinglight]

I actually really liked that, thank you for sharing. A totally unrelated post question... but I love your avatar (Midnight Lover). Is it an original piece by yourself?

[meecebit]

That is really helpful. It provided me a number of ideas and I'll be placing them on my web site eventually. I'm bookmarking your blog and I'll be back. Thanks again!

[midnight_lover]

Thanks! Feel free to also visit my "other" blog. I share it with some friends.

www.thebackgroundstory.com