fic dump 2
title: writing one's own fairy tale ending
pairing(s): kray
character(s): lay, kris
genre: fluff, mild crack
rating: PG
summary: sharing stories and smiles as one thing leads to another
in the reading corner of room 12e of kawaiichanz adoraburu educational center for small children, four-year-old zhang yixing, armed with pencils and fat crayons, determinedly defaces a fairy tale book while all the other children are busy slathering one another with mud or stuffing food up their nostrils or whatever it is that children busy themselves with during recess.
seemingly satisfied with his work, yixing haphazardly hacks the edited pages from the hardcover book and rebinds them with crooked staples and tape. he then climbs out the open window onto the playground, where he marches to a peaceful, shady bench under a big oak tree where wu fan the five-year-old scribbles into the dirt alone because his face is scary and kind of looks like he wants everybody who dares approach him to step on a lego while barefoot.
“i made it for you,” yixing declares fearlessly as he presents the pile of papers to wu fan, “so you better read it ok. i didn’t draw the pictures but i made them better so look at the pictures too.” he then swags away but then he stops swagging when he trips on somebody’s barbie doll at which point he gets up and runs away in shame.
wu fan is bewildered but reads “the tale of the knight in shining armor unicorn and tru l♥ve and dragons” anyway. he doesn’t understand much beyond that apparently the knight rides a unicorn to try and kill a dragon guarding a castle containing a beautiful princess “noting” and the unicorn “falls in love at 1st site” with the dragon so he/she/it/THE UNICORN drowns the “night in the mote”.
wu fan is most puzzled, however, as to what on earth the unicorn is doing drowning the “night” when it has a sharp-looking horn half the size of its body drawn right on top of its head.
yixing is weird, he decides, and maybe a little violent. but that’s ok because he’s nice, he thinks as he grabs the book to find the younger boy, and pretty.
“i liked your story,” wu fan lies once he approaches yixing, smiling, “especially when the unicorn fell in love with the dragon.” wu fan knew somehow that that part was the point of the story, despite being a kindergartner and therefore unable to comprehend symbolism.
yixing looks up and smiles, dirt still smeared across his face from his doll-induced nosedive. “that was my favorite part too. also you don’t look like you want to push people from the top of the slide when you smile. let’s be friends!”
“what,” says wu fan, confused but flattered because he feels like he should be for whatever reason. “ok.”
(twenty-five years later, wu fan sneaks quietly out from a very pink room, “the tale of the knight in shining armor unicorn and tru l♥ve and dragons” in hand, and smirks at a rather disgruntled yixing.
“why are you reading our daughter that,” yixing grumbles accusingly, arms crossed over his chest. “people die in that story.”
“you wrote and gave that story to a five-year-old,” wu fan retorts. “i am no worse than you.”
yixing starts to walk away, mentally looks back and regrets his life choices but not really because then wu fan is smiling into his hair from behind, arms around his waist and there’s nothing to regret at all, no reason to ever regret this happily ever after.)
a/n: for anon on tumblr ♥ sorry it makes no sense uhh
---
title: pooh bear and groundhogs and romantic tragedies with band-aids on the road not taken
pairing(s): kray
character(s): lay, kris, author the derp
genre: hardcore crack
rating: PG-13
summary: writing process of all my fics ever, especially when prompted
The Tale of Lay the Pooh and Kristopher Robin-
“What. No,” says Kris. “What are you doing.”
“I don’t know!” the distressed fangirl sobs. “I really don’t, oh please forgive me good lord Krisus!”
“I resent that,” mourns Lay. “At least ‘Winnie’ makes it so it actually sounds like a name. With ‘Lay the Pooh’ you could just add a ‘…down’ to the end and it’d be a horrible potty joke…”
The fangirl is momentarily speechless. “Um,” she says, “let’s try that again.”
--
Two Groundhogs-
“Just stop,” interrupts Kris. “Stop trying. Give up. Tell your idiot friend it can’t be done.”
“:CCC!!!” says the fangirl.
“Groundhogs are so cute,” says Lay.
--
Two Roads Diverged In a-
“How does that even begin to make sense,” Kris asks, exasperated.
The fangirl opens her mouth, but Lay beats her to a reply.
“You’d be the road not taken because of your bitchy face,” he says. “Well, bitchy everything.”
“I’d take him,” the fangirl says weakly.
Kris and Lay stare. At each other. Kris realizes Lay has really pretty hair and wonders what it would feel like between his fingers-
Kris assumes the fetal position and Lay pats him carefully, like one would tend to a wounded animal.
Just kidding, leave wounded animals the fuck alone, especially bitchy ones. That is dangerous shit to be dabbling in, yo.
--
Kromeo and Ju-lay-et-
“O happy dagger,” Kris says, a very pointy…dagger…aimed at his heart.
“No, no, no, that’s supposed to be Lay and where did you get that put it down,” the fangirl shrieks.
Lay slowly turns purple as he claws at his corset.
--
Two Band-Aids in a Metal Box
There are two Band-Aids in a metal box. One of them is named Kris and the other is named Lay. Kris is significantly longer than Lay. Lay is less awkward. How one Band-Aid can be more or less awkward than another is beyond human and Band-Aid comprehension but he just is, so deal with it, you ho.
Band-Aids don’t talk, so their only interaction is really just Lay leaning on Kris who is leaning on the inside of the metal box.
They are never used because one day there is a horrible earthquake and they, inside their box, are buried beneath the rubble. Kris is now leaning on Lay who is leaning on the inside of the metal box.
Being made of cloth, they decompose exceedingly slowly. Eventually, after hundreds of thousands of years, they are pushed, still inside their now petrified box, into the space between two tectonic plates where they die a fiery death. They would have faced incineration in a loving embrace but unfortunately Band-Aids don’t have arms.
a/n: allriseasian gives the shittiest prompts negl
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title: the art of not giving a shit (also do not eat genetically engineered food or take human geography ever)
pairing(s): n/a
character(s): chen
genre: hardcore crack
rating: PG-13
summary: in which chen is an orange and doesn't give a shit
Chen ripens in a Florida orchard, genetically engineered to grow like crazy and keep bugs the fuck away.
He isn’t engineered to sing, though, but Chen doesn’t particularly care. He belts his pulpy heart out every day, at wavelengths exclusive to orange communication.
Why oranges need to communicate is beyond Chen, because all the communication he ever hears is the other inhabitants of the orchard telling him to “shut the fuck up,” which is most certainly not necessary.
But then again, Chen doesn’t really care. They scream at him in English, he only knows Korean and what barely passes for mangled Mandarin (DO YOU SEE THAT PUN OMG WOW FAN-MOTHERFUCKING-TASTIC BABY).
“OHHHHHHHH MY BABY BABY BABY BAAAAAYYYBEEEEEEHHHHH,” he sings soulfully one day. Then, a hand plucks him from his tree and he begins his journey through the food industry.
Despite being technically dead, Chen continues to ripen because ~magical zombie-fruit chemicals~. He also continues to sing because he is Chen the orange and he does not give a shit.
Eventually, Chen ends up on top of a pile of his kin in the supermarket, across the aisle from a freaky-ass jar of olives, which Chen is convinced is staring at him.
“YOOUUUUUUU are a creepy fucker!” Chen sings at the jar of “D. Olives” to the tune of “Happy Birthday”. It doesn’t really work but just like pretty much always, Chen doesn’t really care.
“Sorry I keep staring at you, man!” the jar of olives yells back. “I’d blink but I’m a jar of olives!”
“Boom shakalaka,” Chen replies in a really chill sort of way.
A girl wearing short shorts and Uggs swags up to the oranges and takes Chen.
“I guess I’m in Southern Californiaaaaaa,” sings Chen. “Whyyyyy the fuck are you wearing Uggs wow it’s like the fucking middle of summerrrrr.”
Even Chen isn’t sure what song he is singing at this point, but if he had a seed for every fuck he gave, he would be seedless. He actually is seedless (but still sweet!), not because he doesn’t give any fucks (which he does not), really, but rather because he was born this way (because the bioengineers said so (because consumers)).
Chen is cut open and devoured later that day, at which point he stops singing.
“Holy shit that is the best fucking orange I’ve ever eaten,” the girl says. Nobody cares and she is so profoundly offended by this that she writes a massive Facebook rant on why her life is shit and nobody understands her. Nobody cares about this, either, least of all Chen.
She dies of food poisoning three hours later. Great lawsuits are filed. Nobody cares because Chen is basically not in this story anymore, so there is actually no reason for anybody to give a shit about anything ever at this point.
a/n: again for allriseasian, the chen-biased ho
pairing(s): kray
character(s): lay, kris
genre: fluff, mild crack
rating: PG
summary: sharing stories and smiles as one thing leads to another
in the reading corner of room 12e of kawaiichanz adoraburu educational center for small children, four-year-old zhang yixing, armed with pencils and fat crayons, determinedly defaces a fairy tale book while all the other children are busy slathering one another with mud or stuffing food up their nostrils or whatever it is that children busy themselves with during recess.
seemingly satisfied with his work, yixing haphazardly hacks the edited pages from the hardcover book and rebinds them with crooked staples and tape. he then climbs out the open window onto the playground, where he marches to a peaceful, shady bench under a big oak tree where wu fan the five-year-old scribbles into the dirt alone because his face is scary and kind of looks like he wants everybody who dares approach him to step on a lego while barefoot.
“i made it for you,” yixing declares fearlessly as he presents the pile of papers to wu fan, “so you better read it ok. i didn’t draw the pictures but i made them better so look at the pictures too.” he then swags away but then he stops swagging when he trips on somebody’s barbie doll at which point he gets up and runs away in shame.
wu fan is bewildered but reads “the tale of the knight in shining armor unicorn and tru l♥ve and dragons” anyway. he doesn’t understand much beyond that apparently the knight rides a unicorn to try and kill a dragon guarding a castle containing a beautiful princess “noting” and the unicorn “falls in love at 1st site” with the dragon so he/she/it/THE UNICORN drowns the “night in the mote”.
wu fan is most puzzled, however, as to what on earth the unicorn is doing drowning the “night” when it has a sharp-looking horn half the size of its body drawn right on top of its head.
yixing is weird, he decides, and maybe a little violent. but that’s ok because he’s nice, he thinks as he grabs the book to find the younger boy, and pretty.
“i liked your story,” wu fan lies once he approaches yixing, smiling, “especially when the unicorn fell in love with the dragon.” wu fan knew somehow that that part was the point of the story, despite being a kindergartner and therefore unable to comprehend symbolism.
yixing looks up and smiles, dirt still smeared across his face from his doll-induced nosedive. “that was my favorite part too. also you don’t look like you want to push people from the top of the slide when you smile. let’s be friends!”
“what,” says wu fan, confused but flattered because he feels like he should be for whatever reason. “ok.”
(twenty-five years later, wu fan sneaks quietly out from a very pink room, “the tale of the knight in shining armor unicorn and tru l♥ve and dragons” in hand, and smirks at a rather disgruntled yixing.
“why are you reading our daughter that,” yixing grumbles accusingly, arms crossed over his chest. “people die in that story.”
“you wrote and gave that story to a five-year-old,” wu fan retorts. “i am no worse than you.”
yixing starts to walk away, mentally looks back and regrets his life choices but not really because then wu fan is smiling into his hair from behind, arms around his waist and there’s nothing to regret at all, no reason to ever regret this happily ever after.)
a/n: for anon on tumblr ♥ sorry it makes no sense uhh
---
title: pooh bear and groundhogs and romantic tragedies with band-aids on the road not taken
pairing(s): kray
character(s): lay, kris, author the derp
genre: hardcore crack
rating: PG-13
summary: writing process of all my fics ever, especially when prompted
The Tale of Lay the Pooh and Kristopher Robin-
“What. No,” says Kris. “What are you doing.”
“I don’t know!” the distressed fangirl sobs. “I really don’t, oh please forgive me good lord Krisus!”
“I resent that,” mourns Lay. “At least ‘Winnie’ makes it so it actually sounds like a name. With ‘Lay the Pooh’ you could just add a ‘…down’ to the end and it’d be a horrible potty joke…”
The fangirl is momentarily speechless. “Um,” she says, “let’s try that again.”
--
Two Groundhogs-
“Just stop,” interrupts Kris. “Stop trying. Give up. Tell your idiot friend it can’t be done.”
“:CCC!!!” says the fangirl.
“Groundhogs are so cute,” says Lay.
--
Two Roads Diverged In a-
“How does that even begin to make sense,” Kris asks, exasperated.
The fangirl opens her mouth, but Lay beats her to a reply.
“You’d be the road not taken because of your bitchy face,” he says. “Well, bitchy everything.”
“I’d take him,” the fangirl says weakly.
Kris and Lay stare. At each other. Kris realizes Lay has really pretty hair and wonders what it would feel like between his fingers-
Kris assumes the fetal position and Lay pats him carefully, like one would tend to a wounded animal.
Just kidding, leave wounded animals the fuck alone, especially bitchy ones. That is dangerous shit to be dabbling in, yo.
--
Kromeo and Ju-lay-et-
“O happy dagger,” Kris says, a very pointy…dagger…aimed at his heart.
“No, no, no, that’s supposed to be Lay and where did you get that put it down,” the fangirl shrieks.
Lay slowly turns purple as he claws at his corset.
--
Two Band-Aids in a Metal Box
There are two Band-Aids in a metal box. One of them is named Kris and the other is named Lay. Kris is significantly longer than Lay. Lay is less awkward. How one Band-Aid can be more or less awkward than another is beyond human and Band-Aid comprehension but he just is, so deal with it, you ho.
Band-Aids don’t talk, so their only interaction is really just Lay leaning on Kris who is leaning on the inside of the metal box.
They are never used because one day there is a horrible earthquake and they, inside their box, are buried beneath the rubble. Kris is now leaning on Lay who is leaning on the inside of the metal box.
Being made of cloth, they decompose exceedingly slowly. Eventually, after hundreds of thousands of years, they are pushed, still inside their now petrified box, into the space between two tectonic plates where they die a fiery death. They would have faced incineration in a loving embrace but unfortunately Band-Aids don’t have arms.
a/n: allriseasian gives the shittiest prompts negl
---
title: the art of not giving a shit (also do not eat genetically engineered food or take human geography ever)
pairing(s): n/a
character(s): chen
genre: hardcore crack
rating: PG-13
summary: in which chen is an orange and doesn't give a shit
Chen ripens in a Florida orchard, genetically engineered to grow like crazy and keep bugs the fuck away.
He isn’t engineered to sing, though, but Chen doesn’t particularly care. He belts his pulpy heart out every day, at wavelengths exclusive to orange communication.
Why oranges need to communicate is beyond Chen, because all the communication he ever hears is the other inhabitants of the orchard telling him to “shut the fuck up,” which is most certainly not necessary.
But then again, Chen doesn’t really care. They scream at him in English, he only knows Korean and what barely passes for mangled Mandarin (DO YOU SEE THAT PUN OMG WOW FAN-MOTHERFUCKING-TASTIC BABY).
“OHHHHHHHH MY BABY BABY BABY BAAAAAYYYBEEEEEEHHHHH,” he sings soulfully one day. Then, a hand plucks him from his tree and he begins his journey through the food industry.
Despite being technically dead, Chen continues to ripen because ~magical zombie-fruit chemicals~. He also continues to sing because he is Chen the orange and he does not give a shit.
Eventually, Chen ends up on top of a pile of his kin in the supermarket, across the aisle from a freaky-ass jar of olives, which Chen is convinced is staring at him.
“YOOUUUUUUU are a creepy fucker!” Chen sings at the jar of “D. Olives” to the tune of “Happy Birthday”. It doesn’t really work but just like pretty much always, Chen doesn’t really care.
“Sorry I keep staring at you, man!” the jar of olives yells back. “I’d blink but I’m a jar of olives!”
“Boom shakalaka,” Chen replies in a really chill sort of way.
A girl wearing short shorts and Uggs swags up to the oranges and takes Chen.
“I guess I’m in Southern Californiaaaaaa,” sings Chen. “Whyyyyy the fuck are you wearing Uggs wow it’s like the fucking middle of summerrrrr.”
Even Chen isn’t sure what song he is singing at this point, but if he had a seed for every fuck he gave, he would be seedless. He actually is seedless (but still sweet!), not because he doesn’t give any fucks (which he does not), really, but rather because he was born this way (because the bioengineers said so (because consumers)).
Chen is cut open and devoured later that day, at which point he stops singing.
“Holy shit that is the best fucking orange I’ve ever eaten,” the girl says. Nobody cares and she is so profoundly offended by this that she writes a massive Facebook rant on why her life is shit and nobody understands her. Nobody cares about this, either, least of all Chen.
She dies of food poisoning three hours later. Great lawsuits are filed. Nobody cares because Chen is basically not in this story anymore, so there is actually no reason for anybody to give a shit about anything ever at this point.
a/n: again for allriseasian, the chen-biased ho