Eli/Kevin - L'Esprit de L'Escalier
Title: L'Esprit de l'Escalier
Pairing: Eli/Kevin
Rating: PG-13
Summary: How Eli and Kevin came together, then fell apart-only to rebuild again with stronger pillars and columns.
A/N: This is the longest thing I've ever written ever at 7k+ words. Eli and Kevin's relationship fascinates me and I tried my best to explore it in this fic. If you have any questions about my characterizations, please feel free to ask. Enjoy! :)
Eli never thought of himself as gay. He never really had any problems with those who were, but it just wasn't for him. His heart still pounded when pretty girls smiled at him, his palms got sweaty when talking to pretty girls and he made it no secret how much he appreciated a good S-line. That's just how he was; he was Eli and he liked girls. For 18 years this was the way he lived, even through debut and working fulltime in U-Kiss. Of course his love life practically halted to a stop once he was signed, but in no way did boys suddenly become an option or a possibility.
Never once did he feel threatened by Kevin's femininity. He was amused by it at first, if he's speaking honestly, but he grew used to it just like the others did. In the same way he learned to accommodate the other members' weird quirks-Kiseop's random outbursts intermittent throughout his silence or Dongho's tendency to act like a baby then whine when they treat him like one or Kibum's way of saying everything in monotone so you never know when he's joking or Soohyun's low self-esteem and subsequent overworking or Alexander's habit of thinking weird thoughts and then conveying them in every language he can-he just accepted Kevin. No questions asked.
There was a time in his life he would've avoided Kevin, afraid of dealing with any awkward situations and having to break the heart of a really nice guy. But he got over that kind of irrational fear early in his teenage years and quickly grew close to Kevin, thankful to have a fellow American in the group with him. He wasn't blind however, and was well aware of Kevin's sexual preferences, even before he officially came out to the group.
[It was a day like any other, the boys-there was still only six of them at this point, a fact that seems so wrong to Eli nowadays-were practicing their choreography over and over, everyone moving in perfect harmony. They were halfway through "I Like You" when Kevin abruptly stopped, said "I can't do this", and went to shut off the music. Alexander was immediately on him, feeling his forehead and asking if he felt sick, while the rest of the members just looked on disinterestedly. When Kevin shook Alex off without so much as a smile, everyone knew something was wrong and crowded around him.
"Are you well?" Kibum asked in broken English, too concerned to think of the right words.
"Does this mean we're not practicing anymore?" Dongho asked, as oblivious and insensitive as always. Soohyun shot him a glare before grabbing Kevin's hand and saying, "Please tell us, Kevin."
Eli noticed Kevin was shaking, and suggested they all sit down before he talked. Alexander instantly agreed and they all settled around the couch-Alexander, Kevin and Dongho sitting in that order on the couch while Eli, Kibum and Soohyun sat on the floor in front of them. Once settled, they all gave Kevin their full attention and he cleared his throat before speaking.
"I- I have something to… say," he choked out, voice already thick with emotion, causing him to fumble over his Korean. "It- Please just- just hear me out."
Eli felt his stomach clench up, already pretty sure where this was going, and he wondered if the other members had any idea. His heart went out to Kevin and for the first time he felt staggeringly protective of the boy, wanting nothing more than to shield him from the dangers of the world.
"I… think you all should know the truth," Kevin began, eyes firmly directed towards his lap. "If we're going to- to do this, um, for awhile."
Kevin's hesitating raised warning signs for the other members and they subtly moved closer, offering silent support for whatever he was about to reveal to them.
"I… I like boys." He said, letting out the breath he didn't realize he was holding. He looked around at the other members for the first time and said, more confidently this time, "I like boys."
Their practice room was silent for a few seconds before Soohyun smiled and asked, "Is that all?"
Kevin narrowed his eyes at him confusedly before responding, somewhat hysterically, "What do you mean 'Is that all'? I spent months worrying about this and that's all you have to say?!"
Alexander quickly intervened, Soohyun looking lost and confused at Kevin's reaction, putting a hand on his shoulder as he said, "Kevinnie, you know we love you no matter what."
"But," he responded, going back to looking fragile and worried after his brief outburst. "But in Korea… Even in America it's not… I just thought-"
"No matter what," Kibum interrupted, repeating Alex's previous statement in English for emphasis. Soohyun nudged Dongho and the magnae smiled, repeating after Kibum, but with a much heavier accent.
At that moment, everyone turned towards Eli, various emotions showing in their eyes. Kibum looked angry, just daring Eli to disapprove, while Alexander's eyes begged him to be nice no matter what he truly felt. Soohyun and Dongho just gazed at him expectantly and Kevin, Kevin, looked about ready to have a breakdown if Eli so much as blinked in a negative way.
Eli smiled and said, "Doesn't matter to me." He reached up and ruffled Kevin's hair. "You can't get rid of me that easily, Kev."
Kevin grinned at that, tears gathering in his eyes even if he would deny their existence later. Alexander started grinning too and pulled Kevin into a tight hug, the other members quickly doing the same. And for the first time since their debut, Eli felt like they could do anything as long as they stuck together.]
Kevin's sexuality never bothered Eli, and he meant it when he said it'd take more than that to get rid of him. Besides, he was fairly certain, all things considered, that he wasn't Kevin's type anyways. He could picture Kevin with someone who was stoic and serious, someone who could counteract all of Kevin's energy, someone who was dependable and stable-Eli was none of those things.
Yet above all, Eli could say he was a good friend and thus he stuck by Kevin faithfully, as well as the other boys, and silently adopted the role as his protector. Of course, having such a close role in Kevin's life allowed him to know all the silly details. So while he thought of himself as a protector, everyone else saw him as the main nuisance in Kevin's life; always picking on him and bothering him. Kevin had a similar mentality up until the first time Eli defended him against everyone else.
[It was a few months after Kevin's coming out, Kiseop had just joined the group, and they were recording for ContiUkiss. Things had been a little awkward and tense the past few weeks as everyone was adjusting to a new member, yet still trying their best to be courteous to Kiseop. Eli was certain he could see the tension whenever they were all together in a room and being in the studio at that moment was more like being in a powder keg.
Kevin was in the booth, doing his parts again after a full day of recording yesterday. Kibum was supposed to go after him, and Eli could feel how annoyed he was gradually getting each time Kevin had to start over. Frankly, Eli was a little worried-about when Kibum would finally blow up, about why Kevin was having such troubles singing when it normally comes so naturally to him and about whether they could even function as a group anymore. They hardly got any attention as it is, if this record flopped he was pretty sure he could kiss Korea goodbye. He didn't want to go back home a failure; he didn't want to prove his family right.
So when Kevin's voice cracked for the umpteenth time and Kibum jumped up in anger, Eli made sure to rush past him and get to Kevin first.
"What's wrong, Kev?" He asked, hoping that speaking in English would make the others ignore them.
"I… I don't know, Eli." Kevin responded, fiddling with the lyric sheets. "It's just not working."
Eli smiled at him sympathetically and grabbed his arm, pulling him out of the booth. "Let's just take a break."
Kevin started to protest but quickly went silent when he arrived back in the sitting area of the studio. Kevin looked at his feet and shuffled closer to Eli, and Eli announced, "Kevin's taking a break."
Kibum glared at Eli, and then Kevin, before saying, "Good."
Kevin chose that moment to look up, just as Kibum was turning away and muttering, "Maybe he can figure out what the fuck is wrong with him."
Eli knew how much Kevin depended on the others' approval and he saw red at Kibum's treatment of the boy. He pushed Kevin behind him and stepped forward, saying, "Excuse me?"
Eli briefly noticed the other members' heads shoot up and start flicking between the two of them, but he found himself too distracted by the rage he felt to care too much about what they thought.
"You know what I'm talking about, Eli. Kevin's been messing up all day, all yesterday too. He needs to fix whatever his problem with so we can move on. Other people have to record too." Kibum had stood up halfway through his rant, standing eye-to-eye with Eli.
"It's not his damn fault and you know that. Kevin's never like this, singing comes naturally to him," Eli began, putting his arm out to push Kevin further behind him again. "Did you even stop to wonder if something was wrong? Do you ever think about anyone but yourself?"
"Fuck off, Eli. You don't know anything," Kibum replied and turned towards the door of the studio, on his way to dramatically storming out before Eli grabbed his shoulder and turned him back around.
"Don't fucking walk away from me," Eli exclaimed. In retrospect, Eli is pretty sure he felt Kevin jerk in surprise behind him and that he could see the other members stand up too, ready to intervene.
"I said fuck off! Nobody gives a shit about your tough guy act, Eli, okay? Maybe if your fucking girlfriend wasn't so busy learning girl group dances and drooling over hot guys, then he would be able to actually do his fucking job and we wouldn't be having this conversation."
Soohyun and Kiseop's eyes widened, even Dongho perked up a bit, and Alexander was rapidly trying to translate everything in his head, eyes flicking back and forth between the two. Eli fists had been clenched tightly at his sides while Kibum was talking, but when he heard Kevin give a small whimper behind him; that was it. In a flash, Eli had punched Kibum in the mouth, the force of it causing Kibum to slam into the wall behind him.
"Don't you dare fucking talk about him like that!" Eli screamed in English, not caring if Kibum could understand him or not.
Kibum tried to punch him back, but only grazed Eli's jaw as Kiseop had pulled him back just in time. Soohyun immediately grabbed Kibum and Alexander took it upon himself to grab Kevin and Dongho and hold them to his chest protectively.
The producer and their manager, who had been ignoring the arguing (been there, done that-way too many times to count, with many different groups in the producer's case) thus far, quickly stepped in between the two who were struggling against the holds the other members had on them.
"Stop it!" Their manager yelled and everyone stilled. "I will not tolerate this kind of behavior! Both of you, follow me; and if you even think about fighting again-"
The man cut himself off, not needing to finish his sentence to get his point across. He grabbed Kibum and Eli by their arms and dragged them into the hallway outside the studio. Before the door slammed, Eli looked back at Kevin and despite his violent shaking, he managed to mouth a quick "Thank you" to Eli. Those two words assured him he did the right thing, and he patiently turned back to their manager and awaited any punishment he was to be given.]
From that moment on, Kevin depended heavily on Eli's strength and caring to get him through. Kevin made frequent attempts to bulk up and become stronger-mentally and physically-but Eli was always there to assure him that he was fine the way he was, and that he had Eli there to be all the things that he couldn't.
Their relationship rarely made sense to other people, two boys who seemed to have nothing in common and who were always picking on each other, but it worked for them. The two had quickly picked up early on what was socially acceptable between guys in Korea, and one could argue they took that information to their advantage; using it as an excuse to act, like the other members put it, "like an old married couple."
Eli was generally an affectionate person but never showed it back home, and was glad for an excuse to be more true to himself. Admittedly, he never thought about how Kevin felt about it, and how the "skinship" they participated in related back to his sexuality-but maybe he should have.
Their affections gradually increased as the months went on; it getting to the point where Alexander and Kibum were taking bets about them behind their backs, sneakily only making deals with idols who could speak Japanese so Eli and Kevin didn't know what they were doing. Nobody really mentioned to them how they came across (that is, like a high school couple courting each other) and if the two of them were aware, they never let it show.
Looking back, Eli realized that maybe their honeymoon phase lasted too long and that it was only a matter of time before it came crashing down upon them. Maybe he even realized this while it was happening. But neither of them did anything to change their ways, neither even thought about life without the other, and consequently they fell apart twice as hard. But the harder they fall, the harder they get back up-or something like that, Eli can't quite remember.
[If Eli could pinpoint the cause for all the trouble, he'd have to tie it back to one specific conversation with his mother and his actions following it. It wasn't particularly important or dramatic, but it was burned in the back of Eli's retinas for eternity, branded on his heart, filed away in the back of his mind only to come back again at the worst moment. He would like to pretend it never happened, he still felt guilt and shame at what he did, but it was a crucial turning point that managed to flip everything upside down.
The boys of U-Kiss were given a brief vacation, just a few days in the middle of November where they didn't have to work. They were told ahead of time allowing them to make plans with their families. Eli had flown out his parents and sisters to come visit, but Kevin's family couldn't come-and so Eli told Kevin to stay at his house, too worried about leaving Kevin alone and feeling depressed.
The first day of their break, his family arrived. He was busy starting lunch while Kevin got settled (Eli was letting Kevin stay in his bedroom, his family would stay in the guest room and he was planning to sleep on the couch.) when he heard the doorbell ring. His heart leapt in excitement, and a little bit of nervousness, and he opened the door to let them in. Hugs, smiles, "How are you?"s and "My, you've grown!"s were being exchanged back and forth when Kevin came out of Eli's bedroom, carrying some pillows, and said, "These pillows are hard as rock. How am I supposed to sleep in your bed when-"
Kevin trailed off when he noticed Eli's family at the door. Bowing quickly, he gave a quiet "Hello" and blushed a bright red only rivaled by the shade covering Eli's face. Eli quickly turned back to his family and said, "He's staying in my room because his family couldn't come."
His sisters snickered at him and his dad eyed him warily. "I'm staying on the couch...," he finished weakly.
His mom grinned at him, patting him on the shoulder and said, "Yes, yes of course. Now where's your kitchen?"
The rest of the day passed without incident. They ate lunch, hung around the living room and talked about their lives, ate dinner, talked some more and finally started going to sleep. Kevin had locked himself in his room, insisting that he needed to prepare for bed in privacy, and Eli's father and sisters were working out sleeping arrangements in the guest room.
Eli had been setting up his makeshift bed on the couch when his mother came in, asking him to go out on the balcony with her. When they were both sufficiently bundled up, they stepped out on the balcony and Eli immediately asked, "What's wrong?"
She chuckled at him, smiling fondly and said, "Now why do you assume something's wrong? I just want to talk."
"To… talk." Eli responded suspiciously. "Okay, so talk."
"You're pretty close to Kevin, right?" She asked and Eli's suspicion grew even stronger. Once again, he got the feeling he knew where this conversation was headed, and his stomach clenched just like it did when Kevin sat them down all those months ago.
"Yeah, I guess," Eli started. "If this is about him staying in my room, it's only because he's like a girl and needs a thousand products and his privacy and space and would complain all day if I made him sleep on my 'horrid couch' as he puts it and-"
"Eli! Eli, sweetie calm down," his mom put a hand on his arm and smiled gently at him. "I understand, it's okay. I'm just wondering, that's all. You guys seem very close and I'm happy you've found a good friend here."
"Okay…"
"So do you have a girlfriend yet?"
"Mom!" Eli whined. He should have been used to it by now, he got asked this by his entire family any time he talked to them, but sometimes he liked to pretend they wouldn't ask just once. It's not that he didn't want a girlfriend, or that he hadn't tried, but getting a girlfriend is kind of hard to do when you're a full-time idol.
"I'm just saying, my baby is growing up," his mom started. Eli groaned at the nickname but kept quiet. "And don’t take this the wrong way, but you won't be with U-Kiss forever. I would like to have grandchildren some day, y'know. Being single is fun now while you're famous, but you don't want to be a bachelor forever."
"Mom, that's a long way off," Eli muttered angrily. "Can you stop acting like U-Kiss is going to fall apart any second and I'll be alone for the rest of my life? I've got time, why are you always on my case?"
"Don't talk to me like that, Elison. I'm just looking out for you, that's all. You're still so young, you need parents in your life to guide you," His mom said, getting slightly angry herself. Looking back, Eli thinks he was probably being too harsh on her. She really was just trying to help. But he had gotten this same conversation, albeit worded very different, from his dad earlier than night and there's only so much nagging he can take in one night.
"Look, I'll figure it out when I can. Maybe I just don't want a girlfriend right now, there's too much going on to deal with that stress and-" Eli cut himself off when he heard a crash from inside. He turned to look inside and saw Kevin, dressed in pajamas and his hair tied up in ridiculous mini-ponytails, picking up the pile of CDs he bumped into and sent crashing to the floor. As if he felt himself being watched, he looked up to the balcony and smiled sheepishly at Eli and his mom, giving a little wave. Eli chuckled and turned back to his mom, seeing her give him a weird look. "What?"
"You know… it won't be just you and Kevin forever. Eventually you'll go your separate ways, get girlfriends, families, maybe move back home…" She trailed off and Eli felt more than confused than ever before.
"What are you talking about? When we all separate and move on we can still be friends, that's what phones and email are for." Eli said and turned to walk back into the living room. "I don't know what you're getting at but I don't want to hear it. U-Kiss has years to go, trust me on that. We're not giving up and going home easily. I'll get a girlfriend when I want to. Right now my career is more important."
Eli stepped inside and already felt rather silly for storming off dramatically from his mother, but figured it was too late now. "If you can't understand that then you should stop trying to have this conversation."
His mom called after him but he ignored it, walking straight to his room and not looking back. As soon as he opened the door he remembered that Kevin was sleeping there, but luckily he was just sitting on the bed and wasn't in any state of undress. Kevin's head shot up when he stormed in and slammed the door.
"What's wrong?" Kevin asked, scooting over to allow Eli to sit.
"Nothing. Just- Just nothing."
"Eli…"
"It's nothing, okay Kevin?" Eli snapped and Kevin flinched in surprise. "It's not your business so just leave it. You don't need to know every detail of my damn life."
"Fine," is all Kevin muttered and immediately Eli felt bad for snapping at him.
"Sorry Kev, I'm just annoyed. My mom was giving me shit about getting a girlfriend and 'you know U-Kiss won't be around forever'. Y'know, that kind of bullshit." Eli wrapped his arm around Kevin's shoulders and moved the two of them back and forth. "Didn't mean to take it out on you."
Kevin smiled and started to say, "That's okay", but got cut off by a sudden yawn. Eli instantly jumped up and started pushing Kevin back on the bed and pulling the covers over him. "Sleep, sleep. I'll leave!"
Kevin sat up and grabbed his wrist before he could leave and Eli turned back to him confusedly. "That couch is horrid," Kevin simply said.
"So I've been told."
"Just stay here. We're big boys; we can sleep in the same bed." Eli searched Kevin's face, looking for something but he wasn't sure what. After a few moments he turned back towards the door-Kevin's face falling. He turned off the light and turned back to Kevin, sliding into the bed next to him and turning his back towards him. He heard Kevin chuckle and turn to face the opposite direction.
"Good night, Eli."
"Good night, Kevin."
The next morning, Eli's head was decidedly clearer than it had been the previous night. So instead of feeling angry, his first thought in the morning was that he should apologize to his mother. His second thought was that he was really, really warm and there was a strange weight on his chest. Opening his eyes and looking down, he saw Kevin sprawled across him, sound asleep. This normally wouldn't have been an issue, all of U-Kiss had ended up like this once or twice before, but his mom's words were still ringing in his ears. You're pretty close to Kevin... a good friend... would like to have grandchildren someday... won't be just you and Kevin forever...
What did she even mean? What did Kevin have to do with him having a girlfriend? It's not like… Oh.
The meaning of his mother's words hit him like a train or a truck or some other large, painful object that is impossible to ignore. She thought… But that's ridiculous. Kevin had told them he wasn't interested in any of them and Eli didn't even like boys. Sure they acted a bit… couple-y at times, but that's okay here. Other Korean boys do it all the time…
Eli's thoughts were scattered and frenzied and his heart almost stopped when Kevin shifted from his place on top of him. All at once his mind froze and he realized what he was doing, what he had been doing all this time. He slid out from underneath Kevin, desperately hoping he didn't wake up. When he was out of bed, he threw on a hoodie and went out into the kitchen, seeing his mother standing behind the counter.
He walked in awkwardly and sat on one of the bar stools on the other side of the counter. His mother pushed a mug over to him and Eli smiled and said, "Thank you."
His heart was still racing, but his mother's small gesture let him know things were okay, and that put him at ease for the time being.]
That ease didn't last long. His revelation about his actions, and how they were appearing to other people, caused him to be hyperaware of any interaction with Kevin. He tried to be subtle about his new plan to distance himself from him, but the others quickly picked it up and were clearly concerned. He had taken to sitting next to Alexander whenever they traveled somewhere and any free time they had he would spend in his apartment or working out with Soohyun and Kibum. All the members frequently shot him concerned looks (Well, except for Dongho. He tended to roll his eyes so hard it had to hurt and mutter "idiot" under his breath.), but he dodged any attempt to talk about what he was doing. He knew he was hurting not only Kevin, but the rest of the group too and it killed him inside. But he was certain he had to do this, for his own sake, and hoped the others would understand.
Two weeks after he started his changes, he was certain the other members were planning to stage an intervention the next time they could get him alone. One night during practice he was positive they were going to strike, but luckily-or unluckily, depending on how you saw it-Kevin got to him first.
[They had been in the dance studio when Eli decided to step out into the hallway for a quick break. He walked for a few minutes towards the exit when he heard something, or someone, behind him. Turning around, he saw Kevin coming towards him, the other members conveniently nowhere to be found.
"What is up with you lately?" Kevin asked and Eli was already working himself into a panic, desperately looking for a way out of this conversation.
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong," he responded breathily. "Look, can we talk later? Kiseop-"
"He's busy. So is everyone else," Kevin interrupted. "Why are you avoiding me?"
"I'm not avoiding-"
"Yes you are, Eli!" Kevin exclaimed. Eli was quickly getting tired of being cut off, the constant interruptions only adding fuel to the fire. "For god's sake, Eli, don't lie to my face. What did I do? Whatever it is, I'm sorry."
Eli sighed, "You didn't do anything."
"They why are you doing this?" Kevin shot back. Eli was faintly shocked at seeing Kevin this angry, having never seen this side of the boy directed at himself before.
"I'm not doing anything, Kevin. I'm allowed to hang out with other people, you're not the center of my world, " Eli countered, Kevin slightly recoiling in surprise and then quickly schooling his features into a mask of indifference.
"Fine, whatever," Kevin said, giving up and turning around to walk away. "Just do what you want."
"Kevin," Eli called after him. He jogged to where the other boy was and grabbed his shoulder, spinning him around. "C'mon, let's not fight. It'll make things weird for the others."
"Right, the others," Kevin snapped. "Because my feelings don't mean shit, right?"
"Kevin," Eli sighed again.
"You're my best friend!" Kevin shouted. Eli was taken aback, once again, at what Kevin said. He knew they were close but he personally never put a label on it. But to know Kevin considered him his best friend meant a lot, and not for the first time did Eli feel guilt creeping up his spine for what he'd been doing. "You're my best friend and you're supposed to be there for me."
In the back of his mind, Eli knew he was being ridiculous (He was noticing he had a habit for taking fights too far, for never censoring himself, for pushing people until they broke, for ruining everything he touched.) and that he should have apologized. But his own selfish pride-and insecurities-prevented the words from coming out. He was frustrated and way too emotional for his own comfort and ended up reacting the exact opposite of what he knew he should have.
"I didn't ask for this, you know!" Eli yelled at Kevin. "I didn't fucking ask for this. For you."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Eli's mind flashed to everything that had been bothering him lately. His own paranoia, his family, the other members and every one of their little habits that used to be cute-all of it was weighing down on him and Kevin's question had opened the proverbial floodgates, allowing everything to fall out of his mouth with little thought.
"You know, Kevin. You know. Everything. They threw all of us together, threw me into this fucking group of freaks and idiots and gave me three damn lines per song and just expect it to be fine. Well it's not and I'm fucking sick of it. I can't take this, I can't take you. My own family thinks I'm a fag now, on top of being a massive failure, my friends laugh in my face and the only people I have in my live are this foreigner spazz with ADD, the Hulk, Mr. Insecure, the only one more useless than me, the jailbait and you-fucking insecure, clingy, weak you."
Eli knew he took it too far when Kevin's eyes took on that glassy sheen they got just before he cried. Before, when Kevin looked like that, it made Eli want to go beat up whoever hurt him. Now, that feeling hadn't changed but it was a new experience to have that hatred and anger directed at himself.
"How dare you?" Kevin's voice was shaky and weak, but still angry. "How dare you say something like that? Is that what you really think? About U-Kiss? About us?"
Eli opened his mouth to respond, some venomous remark already on his tongue, but Kevin continued.
"If you hate us so much then just leave. Fucking leave, Eli. You're right, you're not doing anything for this group. You're ripping us apart and you don't even see it," Kevin started crying, choking on his words. "I- We- Fuck, it's not even worth it."
Kevin turned around again and headed for the door that led outside.
"Kevin. Stop, wait, I'm sor-"
"No. Don't even fucking try, Eli. I'm sick of this," Kevin spat, not even bothering to turn around. "You're so fucking two-faced. You do one thing and you say another. Do you even know the real you? Because I sure as hell don't and at this point, I'm not sure I want to."
Eli watched Kevin leave, frozen in place and unable to go after him. He wasn't sure where Kevin planned to go-they still had rehearsal after all-but couldn't contemplate it much, too distracted by the aching pain in his chest and the feeling of everything falling around him. He blindly stumbled back to the studio, collapsing onto the couch and not even noticing if anyone was around him.
"Where's Kevin?" Kibum asked, shocking Eli out of his stupor. He looked around and noticed all the other members staring at him.
"I don't know," Eli simply responded.
"You don't know? Oh my god, Eli!" Alexander exclaimed. He rushed around, getting his coat and running out the door. "I'll go look for him, just stay here."
After the flurry of activity from Alexander ended, silence took over the room again. Eli distantly noticed the other members muttering to themselves and looking over at him. They seemed to have reached some sort of conclusion after a few minutes, coming over to stand in front of him.
Eli looked up, simply staring and waited for an explanation of what exactly they were doing.
"Eli, we need to talk," Soohyun started and that seemed to be the cue for everyone to sit down. Kibum and Soohyun sat on either side of him and Dongho and Kiseop sat on the floor in front of him. He was immediately reminded of a similar scene that took place on the same couch, but thinking about Kevin meant seeing flashes of his crying face and that made his head hurt so he quickly halted that train of thought.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Kibum burst out, ignoring the glares Soohyun sent his way. "Why are you being such a damn idiot?"
"Look, it's for the better okay? I can't explain it," Eli said.
"Why the hell not?" Kibum exclaimed.
"Kibum!" Soohyun glared at him again. "Will you calm down? We're trying to talk to him not harass him."
"Why don't you just try?" Kiseop said softly, resting his hand on Eli's knee. "We won't judge you."
Eli glanced at Kiseop, then Soohyun, then Kibum, then Dongho and finally back to Kiseop before sighing. His gaze dropped to his lap and he muttered something that the other members couldn't understand.
"What?" They chorused and Eli's head snapped up.
"My mom thinks me and Kevin are together, okay?" He yelled, the others flinching backwards. "She kept bothering me about getting a girlfriend and about how Kevin and the rest of you are going to leave and split up and they already judge me so much and this is just another thing and we're not together so I should just back off so my family will be happy and so Kevin can… y'know… find a- a boyfriend or something."
"Gee, why would she ever think that?" Kibum muttered, ignoring the umpteenth glare Soohyun shot his way.
"You guys do act like a couple sometimes…" Soohyun said cautiously, wary of what Eli's reaction would be. When Eli continued to stare at his lap, Soohyun deemed it safe to continue. "You always take care of him and do sweet things for him… You're never really interested in any girls…"
"That's because there's none around!" Eli defended. "And I'm allowed to do nice things for him; it's okay here! You guys do the same thing with each other."
"'It's okay here'? What are you talking about?" Kibum asked.
"Oh you know… Korean guys are more, like, touchy with each other," Eli explained, feeling extremely stupid to be acknowledging this unsaid rule out loud. "It's just… y'know, what they do here."
The others stared at him blankly until Dongho finally piped up with, "But you're American."
Everyone's heads snapped towards the magnae and he shrugged. "What? You are! It doesn't even apply to you."
"Yeah I am, but-"
"And even if it did, you take it way farther with Kevin," Kibum interrupted. "Think about it, Eli. Who do you always go to first when you're worried or angry or depressed? Who do you trust with all your secrets?"
"Who do you always hug and touch and do skinship with?" Soohyun added, catching on to what Kibum was doing. Eli looked downright petrified at this point, clearly unwilling to deal with what they were trying to tell him.
Kiseop squeezed his knee and said in a soft voice, "Who do you think about when you wake up? When you go to sleep? Who would you protect with your life?"
Eli, still staring at his lap, clenched and unclenched his hands. This wasn't happening, they weren't trying to tell him what he thinks they're trying to tell him because he doesn't like boys and it's not true and Kevin doesn't like him back and fuck. Eli thought his heart might have stopped-or maybe it started beating at triple it's normal speed, one can't be too sure-and that he was pretty close to dying. Why else would his life be flashing before his eyes? Well, not his whole life, but every moment that involved Kevin (which was all the important things anyways, he noticed). Everything they said was true goddammit, it was undeniably true.
Eli shook his head rapidly, refusing to have a cheesy movie moment. He never had feelings for Kevin before; they're not going to just magically appear now. But as he looked around at the other boys' expectant eyes, he thought that maybe there was something there. Just below the surface, sneaking around in the back of his mind. The beginning of something, something big, something huge and all of a sudden being with Kevin didn't seem so bad.
"I… I…." He stuttered and that broke the trance his fellow members were in, Dongho being the first to react.
"You love him, idiot." Dongho said, leaning up and smacking him on the head. "So why are you fighting it so much? Just be."
The other members were silent for a moment and Kibum blurted out with, "Wow, Dongho. That was deep."
The serious mood lessened a bit at his joke, everyone laughing and smiling together. The air immediately thickened again when they heard the main door slam and heard footsteps come towards the room they were in. Eli jumped up from the couch and turned towards the door just as Kevin and Alexander walked in.
The first thing Eli noticed was Kevin looked, for lack of a better word, wrecked. He clearly had been crying and he was moving shakily and weakly like a startled animal. Kevin stopped when he saw Eli, Alexander nearly crashing into his back. The two stared at each other for what felt like hours, the other members holding their breaths (Except for Dongho, who was over the drama already and had flopped on the couch to play on his phone, yet still surreptitiously sneaking glances over at them.) while they waited for what would happen.
Eli took a small step forward, gauging Kevin's reaction before moving closer. When Kevin didn't react at all, Eli took that as an okay and rushed towards him, holding Kevin's face in his hands. Alexander flinched and moved forward to try to break them up, but stopped when he saw Soohyun shake his head.
Kevin and Eli were still staring at each other when Eli let out a soft, "Kevin…" breaking the spell that overcame them. Eli surged forward, pulling Kevin's head closer towards his and locking their lips together. Kevin gasped in surprise, allowing Eli's tongue to quickly swipe into his mouth before he pulled away.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Eli repeated, resting his head in the crook of Kevin's neck. "So, so sorry, Kevin. I'm sorry."
"Eli…" Kevin said quietly and Eli could feel him shaking in his arms. "What are you doing?"
"It's you, Kevin. It's always been you," Eli replied, his thoughts scattered and frenzied causing him to speak in broken sentences. "You always- I- I think I'm falling for you, Kevin. Oh god I don't know what I'm doing but I've been so terrible to you. I'm sorry, Kevin. Please forgive me; I'm sor-"
"Eli, it's okay!" Kevin interrupted, stopping Eli's mantra. "It's okay. I understand. You were angry, you were confused. I get it. I've been there."
"You... Right, of course," Eli responded, pulling back a bit and looking directly into Kevin's eyes. "Honestly, I have no idea what's happening or what this is or what it will be, but I have to know; do you feel it too?"
Kevin smiled softly at him, "Of course I do, Eli. I have for so long now."
"How long?" Eli demanded, starting to smile himself in response.
"Eli," Kevin whined in embarrassment.
"C'mon, tell me. How long?"
"Months, let's just put it that way." Kevin said, looking at his feet and face turning red.
Eli stared at him in amazement. How could anyone stick with him for so long? Even when he treated them like dirt? That whole time… Eli was doing those sweet things for him and Kevin felt… He didn't even know…
Eli pressed their mouths together again, this time lingering for much longer and bringing his arms down to wrap around Kevin's waist. The other members were grinning and watching them, ready to congratulate them once they broke apart. But a few minutes had passed and the new couple showed no signs of stopping.
Alexander ran over to Dongho yelling, "Your innocence!" and practically tackling him in an effort to cover his eyes.
Eli tried to ignore their antics but when Dongho started loudly complaining while Soohyun made catcalls, Kevin pulled away. He smiled at Eli, giving him a quick peck on the cheek and turning towards the others.
"Don't we have a dance to rehearse?" He asked, raising his voice to be heard by the other members. The boys jumped up, realizing how much time they had wasted, and started getting set up to begin practice again.
Kevin turned back to Eli, smiling so hard it hurt and Eli returned that smile tenfold. Kevin pecked him on the mouth and said, "Let's go practice." Eli stared down at his friend-his boyfriend and holy shit did that word make his heart race-and nodded but made no move to separate from their embrace. Kevin giggled at him and Eli thought that maybe a cheesy movie moment wasn't so bad.]
And they lived happily ever after. Well, that's the way Eli likes to tell it but it's a little more complicated than that. His feelings were still new and scary but Kevin, and the others members, helped him through it however they could. Him and Kevin still fought-sometimes it seemed like they fought more-but this fighting was infinitely better than how they used to because it always ended in kissing and Eli couldn't complain about that.
Eli still didn't consider himself gay, just maybe a little bent. And Kevin's femininity still wasn't a threat to him, but it had become more of a turn on than anything else. Which weirded even Eli himself out a bit at times, if he was speaking honestly.
But all in all, he couldn't complain. Life still had its ups and downs, as Kevin would put it (Eli would just say, "Life sucks and then it doesn't." but Kevin had influenced him more than he would've liked and thus he at least made an attempt to be more well-spoken.) but the goods far outweighed the bads now. Eli had no idea what was going to happen in the future-hell, he had no idea what's going to happen tomorrow-but he's content to let it happen, knowing he can conquer anything with Kevin by his side and his band members following behind.
Pairing: Eli/Kevin
Rating: PG-13
Summary: How Eli and Kevin came together, then fell apart-only to rebuild again with stronger pillars and columns.
A/N: This is the longest thing I've ever written ever at 7k+ words. Eli and Kevin's relationship fascinates me and I tried my best to explore it in this fic. If you have any questions about my characterizations, please feel free to ask. Enjoy! :)
Eli never thought of himself as gay. He never really had any problems with those who were, but it just wasn't for him. His heart still pounded when pretty girls smiled at him, his palms got sweaty when talking to pretty girls and he made it no secret how much he appreciated a good S-line. That's just how he was; he was Eli and he liked girls. For 18 years this was the way he lived, even through debut and working fulltime in U-Kiss. Of course his love life practically halted to a stop once he was signed, but in no way did boys suddenly become an option or a possibility.
Never once did he feel threatened by Kevin's femininity. He was amused by it at first, if he's speaking honestly, but he grew used to it just like the others did. In the same way he learned to accommodate the other members' weird quirks-Kiseop's random outbursts intermittent throughout his silence or Dongho's tendency to act like a baby then whine when they treat him like one or Kibum's way of saying everything in monotone so you never know when he's joking or Soohyun's low self-esteem and subsequent overworking or Alexander's habit of thinking weird thoughts and then conveying them in every language he can-he just accepted Kevin. No questions asked.
There was a time in his life he would've avoided Kevin, afraid of dealing with any awkward situations and having to break the heart of a really nice guy. But he got over that kind of irrational fear early in his teenage years and quickly grew close to Kevin, thankful to have a fellow American in the group with him. He wasn't blind however, and was well aware of Kevin's sexual preferences, even before he officially came out to the group.
[It was a day like any other, the boys-there was still only six of them at this point, a fact that seems so wrong to Eli nowadays-were practicing their choreography over and over, everyone moving in perfect harmony. They were halfway through "I Like You" when Kevin abruptly stopped, said "I can't do this", and went to shut off the music. Alexander was immediately on him, feeling his forehead and asking if he felt sick, while the rest of the members just looked on disinterestedly. When Kevin shook Alex off without so much as a smile, everyone knew something was wrong and crowded around him.
"Are you well?" Kibum asked in broken English, too concerned to think of the right words.
"Does this mean we're not practicing anymore?" Dongho asked, as oblivious and insensitive as always. Soohyun shot him a glare before grabbing Kevin's hand and saying, "Please tell us, Kevin."
Eli noticed Kevin was shaking, and suggested they all sit down before he talked. Alexander instantly agreed and they all settled around the couch-Alexander, Kevin and Dongho sitting in that order on the couch while Eli, Kibum and Soohyun sat on the floor in front of them. Once settled, they all gave Kevin their full attention and he cleared his throat before speaking.
"I- I have something to… say," he choked out, voice already thick with emotion, causing him to fumble over his Korean. "It- Please just- just hear me out."
Eli felt his stomach clench up, already pretty sure where this was going, and he wondered if the other members had any idea. His heart went out to Kevin and for the first time he felt staggeringly protective of the boy, wanting nothing more than to shield him from the dangers of the world.
"I… think you all should know the truth," Kevin began, eyes firmly directed towards his lap. "If we're going to- to do this, um, for awhile."
Kevin's hesitating raised warning signs for the other members and they subtly moved closer, offering silent support for whatever he was about to reveal to them.
"I… I like boys." He said, letting out the breath he didn't realize he was holding. He looked around at the other members for the first time and said, more confidently this time, "I like boys."
Their practice room was silent for a few seconds before Soohyun smiled and asked, "Is that all?"
Kevin narrowed his eyes at him confusedly before responding, somewhat hysterically, "What do you mean 'Is that all'? I spent months worrying about this and that's all you have to say?!"
Alexander quickly intervened, Soohyun looking lost and confused at Kevin's reaction, putting a hand on his shoulder as he said, "Kevinnie, you know we love you no matter what."
"But," he responded, going back to looking fragile and worried after his brief outburst. "But in Korea… Even in America it's not… I just thought-"
"No matter what," Kibum interrupted, repeating Alex's previous statement in English for emphasis. Soohyun nudged Dongho and the magnae smiled, repeating after Kibum, but with a much heavier accent.
At that moment, everyone turned towards Eli, various emotions showing in their eyes. Kibum looked angry, just daring Eli to disapprove, while Alexander's eyes begged him to be nice no matter what he truly felt. Soohyun and Dongho just gazed at him expectantly and Kevin, Kevin, looked about ready to have a breakdown if Eli so much as blinked in a negative way.
Eli smiled and said, "Doesn't matter to me." He reached up and ruffled Kevin's hair. "You can't get rid of me that easily, Kev."
Kevin grinned at that, tears gathering in his eyes even if he would deny their existence later. Alexander started grinning too and pulled Kevin into a tight hug, the other members quickly doing the same. And for the first time since their debut, Eli felt like they could do anything as long as they stuck together.]
Kevin's sexuality never bothered Eli, and he meant it when he said it'd take more than that to get rid of him. Besides, he was fairly certain, all things considered, that he wasn't Kevin's type anyways. He could picture Kevin with someone who was stoic and serious, someone who could counteract all of Kevin's energy, someone who was dependable and stable-Eli was none of those things.
Yet above all, Eli could say he was a good friend and thus he stuck by Kevin faithfully, as well as the other boys, and silently adopted the role as his protector. Of course, having such a close role in Kevin's life allowed him to know all the silly details. So while he thought of himself as a protector, everyone else saw him as the main nuisance in Kevin's life; always picking on him and bothering him. Kevin had a similar mentality up until the first time Eli defended him against everyone else.
[It was a few months after Kevin's coming out, Kiseop had just joined the group, and they were recording for ContiUkiss. Things had been a little awkward and tense the past few weeks as everyone was adjusting to a new member, yet still trying their best to be courteous to Kiseop. Eli was certain he could see the tension whenever they were all together in a room and being in the studio at that moment was more like being in a powder keg.
Kevin was in the booth, doing his parts again after a full day of recording yesterday. Kibum was supposed to go after him, and Eli could feel how annoyed he was gradually getting each time Kevin had to start over. Frankly, Eli was a little worried-about when Kibum would finally blow up, about why Kevin was having such troubles singing when it normally comes so naturally to him and about whether they could even function as a group anymore. They hardly got any attention as it is, if this record flopped he was pretty sure he could kiss Korea goodbye. He didn't want to go back home a failure; he didn't want to prove his family right.
So when Kevin's voice cracked for the umpteenth time and Kibum jumped up in anger, Eli made sure to rush past him and get to Kevin first.
"What's wrong, Kev?" He asked, hoping that speaking in English would make the others ignore them.
"I… I don't know, Eli." Kevin responded, fiddling with the lyric sheets. "It's just not working."
Eli smiled at him sympathetically and grabbed his arm, pulling him out of the booth. "Let's just take a break."
Kevin started to protest but quickly went silent when he arrived back in the sitting area of the studio. Kevin looked at his feet and shuffled closer to Eli, and Eli announced, "Kevin's taking a break."
Kibum glared at Eli, and then Kevin, before saying, "Good."
Kevin chose that moment to look up, just as Kibum was turning away and muttering, "Maybe he can figure out what the fuck is wrong with him."
Eli knew how much Kevin depended on the others' approval and he saw red at Kibum's treatment of the boy. He pushed Kevin behind him and stepped forward, saying, "Excuse me?"
Eli briefly noticed the other members' heads shoot up and start flicking between the two of them, but he found himself too distracted by the rage he felt to care too much about what they thought.
"You know what I'm talking about, Eli. Kevin's been messing up all day, all yesterday too. He needs to fix whatever his problem with so we can move on. Other people have to record too." Kibum had stood up halfway through his rant, standing eye-to-eye with Eli.
"It's not his damn fault and you know that. Kevin's never like this, singing comes naturally to him," Eli began, putting his arm out to push Kevin further behind him again. "Did you even stop to wonder if something was wrong? Do you ever think about anyone but yourself?"
"Fuck off, Eli. You don't know anything," Kibum replied and turned towards the door of the studio, on his way to dramatically storming out before Eli grabbed his shoulder and turned him back around.
"Don't fucking walk away from me," Eli exclaimed. In retrospect, Eli is pretty sure he felt Kevin jerk in surprise behind him and that he could see the other members stand up too, ready to intervene.
"I said fuck off! Nobody gives a shit about your tough guy act, Eli, okay? Maybe if your fucking girlfriend wasn't so busy learning girl group dances and drooling over hot guys, then he would be able to actually do his fucking job and we wouldn't be having this conversation."
Soohyun and Kiseop's eyes widened, even Dongho perked up a bit, and Alexander was rapidly trying to translate everything in his head, eyes flicking back and forth between the two. Eli fists had been clenched tightly at his sides while Kibum was talking, but when he heard Kevin give a small whimper behind him; that was it. In a flash, Eli had punched Kibum in the mouth, the force of it causing Kibum to slam into the wall behind him.
"Don't you dare fucking talk about him like that!" Eli screamed in English, not caring if Kibum could understand him or not.
Kibum tried to punch him back, but only grazed Eli's jaw as Kiseop had pulled him back just in time. Soohyun immediately grabbed Kibum and Alexander took it upon himself to grab Kevin and Dongho and hold them to his chest protectively.
The producer and their manager, who had been ignoring the arguing (been there, done that-way too many times to count, with many different groups in the producer's case) thus far, quickly stepped in between the two who were struggling against the holds the other members had on them.
"Stop it!" Their manager yelled and everyone stilled. "I will not tolerate this kind of behavior! Both of you, follow me; and if you even think about fighting again-"
The man cut himself off, not needing to finish his sentence to get his point across. He grabbed Kibum and Eli by their arms and dragged them into the hallway outside the studio. Before the door slammed, Eli looked back at Kevin and despite his violent shaking, he managed to mouth a quick "Thank you" to Eli. Those two words assured him he did the right thing, and he patiently turned back to their manager and awaited any punishment he was to be given.]
From that moment on, Kevin depended heavily on Eli's strength and caring to get him through. Kevin made frequent attempts to bulk up and become stronger-mentally and physically-but Eli was always there to assure him that he was fine the way he was, and that he had Eli there to be all the things that he couldn't.
Their relationship rarely made sense to other people, two boys who seemed to have nothing in common and who were always picking on each other, but it worked for them. The two had quickly picked up early on what was socially acceptable between guys in Korea, and one could argue they took that information to their advantage; using it as an excuse to act, like the other members put it, "like an old married couple."
Eli was generally an affectionate person but never showed it back home, and was glad for an excuse to be more true to himself. Admittedly, he never thought about how Kevin felt about it, and how the "skinship" they participated in related back to his sexuality-but maybe he should have.
Their affections gradually increased as the months went on; it getting to the point where Alexander and Kibum were taking bets about them behind their backs, sneakily only making deals with idols who could speak Japanese so Eli and Kevin didn't know what they were doing. Nobody really mentioned to them how they came across (that is, like a high school couple courting each other) and if the two of them were aware, they never let it show.
Looking back, Eli realized that maybe their honeymoon phase lasted too long and that it was only a matter of time before it came crashing down upon them. Maybe he even realized this while it was happening. But neither of them did anything to change their ways, neither even thought about life without the other, and consequently they fell apart twice as hard. But the harder they fall, the harder they get back up-or something like that, Eli can't quite remember.
[If Eli could pinpoint the cause for all the trouble, he'd have to tie it back to one specific conversation with his mother and his actions following it. It wasn't particularly important or dramatic, but it was burned in the back of Eli's retinas for eternity, branded on his heart, filed away in the back of his mind only to come back again at the worst moment. He would like to pretend it never happened, he still felt guilt and shame at what he did, but it was a crucial turning point that managed to flip everything upside down.
The boys of U-Kiss were given a brief vacation, just a few days in the middle of November where they didn't have to work. They were told ahead of time allowing them to make plans with their families. Eli had flown out his parents and sisters to come visit, but Kevin's family couldn't come-and so Eli told Kevin to stay at his house, too worried about leaving Kevin alone and feeling depressed.
The first day of their break, his family arrived. He was busy starting lunch while Kevin got settled (Eli was letting Kevin stay in his bedroom, his family would stay in the guest room and he was planning to sleep on the couch.) when he heard the doorbell ring. His heart leapt in excitement, and a little bit of nervousness, and he opened the door to let them in. Hugs, smiles, "How are you?"s and "My, you've grown!"s were being exchanged back and forth when Kevin came out of Eli's bedroom, carrying some pillows, and said, "These pillows are hard as rock. How am I supposed to sleep in your bed when-"
Kevin trailed off when he noticed Eli's family at the door. Bowing quickly, he gave a quiet "Hello" and blushed a bright red only rivaled by the shade covering Eli's face. Eli quickly turned back to his family and said, "He's staying in my room because his family couldn't come."
His sisters snickered at him and his dad eyed him warily. "I'm staying on the couch...," he finished weakly.
His mom grinned at him, patting him on the shoulder and said, "Yes, yes of course. Now where's your kitchen?"
The rest of the day passed without incident. They ate lunch, hung around the living room and talked about their lives, ate dinner, talked some more and finally started going to sleep. Kevin had locked himself in his room, insisting that he needed to prepare for bed in privacy, and Eli's father and sisters were working out sleeping arrangements in the guest room.
Eli had been setting up his makeshift bed on the couch when his mother came in, asking him to go out on the balcony with her. When they were both sufficiently bundled up, they stepped out on the balcony and Eli immediately asked, "What's wrong?"
She chuckled at him, smiling fondly and said, "Now why do you assume something's wrong? I just want to talk."
"To… talk." Eli responded suspiciously. "Okay, so talk."
"You're pretty close to Kevin, right?" She asked and Eli's suspicion grew even stronger. Once again, he got the feeling he knew where this conversation was headed, and his stomach clenched just like it did when Kevin sat them down all those months ago.
"Yeah, I guess," Eli started. "If this is about him staying in my room, it's only because he's like a girl and needs a thousand products and his privacy and space and would complain all day if I made him sleep on my 'horrid couch' as he puts it and-"
"Eli! Eli, sweetie calm down," his mom put a hand on his arm and smiled gently at him. "I understand, it's okay. I'm just wondering, that's all. You guys seem very close and I'm happy you've found a good friend here."
"Okay…"
"So do you have a girlfriend yet?"
"Mom!" Eli whined. He should have been used to it by now, he got asked this by his entire family any time he talked to them, but sometimes he liked to pretend they wouldn't ask just once. It's not that he didn't want a girlfriend, or that he hadn't tried, but getting a girlfriend is kind of hard to do when you're a full-time idol.
"I'm just saying, my baby is growing up," his mom started. Eli groaned at the nickname but kept quiet. "And don’t take this the wrong way, but you won't be with U-Kiss forever. I would like to have grandchildren some day, y'know. Being single is fun now while you're famous, but you don't want to be a bachelor forever."
"Mom, that's a long way off," Eli muttered angrily. "Can you stop acting like U-Kiss is going to fall apart any second and I'll be alone for the rest of my life? I've got time, why are you always on my case?"
"Don't talk to me like that, Elison. I'm just looking out for you, that's all. You're still so young, you need parents in your life to guide you," His mom said, getting slightly angry herself. Looking back, Eli thinks he was probably being too harsh on her. She really was just trying to help. But he had gotten this same conversation, albeit worded very different, from his dad earlier than night and there's only so much nagging he can take in one night.
"Look, I'll figure it out when I can. Maybe I just don't want a girlfriend right now, there's too much going on to deal with that stress and-" Eli cut himself off when he heard a crash from inside. He turned to look inside and saw Kevin, dressed in pajamas and his hair tied up in ridiculous mini-ponytails, picking up the pile of CDs he bumped into and sent crashing to the floor. As if he felt himself being watched, he looked up to the balcony and smiled sheepishly at Eli and his mom, giving a little wave. Eli chuckled and turned back to his mom, seeing her give him a weird look. "What?"
"You know… it won't be just you and Kevin forever. Eventually you'll go your separate ways, get girlfriends, families, maybe move back home…" She trailed off and Eli felt more than confused than ever before.
"What are you talking about? When we all separate and move on we can still be friends, that's what phones and email are for." Eli said and turned to walk back into the living room. "I don't know what you're getting at but I don't want to hear it. U-Kiss has years to go, trust me on that. We're not giving up and going home easily. I'll get a girlfriend when I want to. Right now my career is more important."
Eli stepped inside and already felt rather silly for storming off dramatically from his mother, but figured it was too late now. "If you can't understand that then you should stop trying to have this conversation."
His mom called after him but he ignored it, walking straight to his room and not looking back. As soon as he opened the door he remembered that Kevin was sleeping there, but luckily he was just sitting on the bed and wasn't in any state of undress. Kevin's head shot up when he stormed in and slammed the door.
"What's wrong?" Kevin asked, scooting over to allow Eli to sit.
"Nothing. Just- Just nothing."
"Eli…"
"It's nothing, okay Kevin?" Eli snapped and Kevin flinched in surprise. "It's not your business so just leave it. You don't need to know every detail of my damn life."
"Fine," is all Kevin muttered and immediately Eli felt bad for snapping at him.
"Sorry Kev, I'm just annoyed. My mom was giving me shit about getting a girlfriend and 'you know U-Kiss won't be around forever'. Y'know, that kind of bullshit." Eli wrapped his arm around Kevin's shoulders and moved the two of them back and forth. "Didn't mean to take it out on you."
Kevin smiled and started to say, "That's okay", but got cut off by a sudden yawn. Eli instantly jumped up and started pushing Kevin back on the bed and pulling the covers over him. "Sleep, sleep. I'll leave!"
Kevin sat up and grabbed his wrist before he could leave and Eli turned back to him confusedly. "That couch is horrid," Kevin simply said.
"So I've been told."
"Just stay here. We're big boys; we can sleep in the same bed." Eli searched Kevin's face, looking for something but he wasn't sure what. After a few moments he turned back towards the door-Kevin's face falling. He turned off the light and turned back to Kevin, sliding into the bed next to him and turning his back towards him. He heard Kevin chuckle and turn to face the opposite direction.
"Good night, Eli."
"Good night, Kevin."
The next morning, Eli's head was decidedly clearer than it had been the previous night. So instead of feeling angry, his first thought in the morning was that he should apologize to his mother. His second thought was that he was really, really warm and there was a strange weight on his chest. Opening his eyes and looking down, he saw Kevin sprawled across him, sound asleep. This normally wouldn't have been an issue, all of U-Kiss had ended up like this once or twice before, but his mom's words were still ringing in his ears. You're pretty close to Kevin... a good friend... would like to have grandchildren someday... won't be just you and Kevin forever...
What did she even mean? What did Kevin have to do with him having a girlfriend? It's not like… Oh.
The meaning of his mother's words hit him like a train or a truck or some other large, painful object that is impossible to ignore. She thought… But that's ridiculous. Kevin had told them he wasn't interested in any of them and Eli didn't even like boys. Sure they acted a bit… couple-y at times, but that's okay here. Other Korean boys do it all the time…
Eli's thoughts were scattered and frenzied and his heart almost stopped when Kevin shifted from his place on top of him. All at once his mind froze and he realized what he was doing, what he had been doing all this time. He slid out from underneath Kevin, desperately hoping he didn't wake up. When he was out of bed, he threw on a hoodie and went out into the kitchen, seeing his mother standing behind the counter.
He walked in awkwardly and sat on one of the bar stools on the other side of the counter. His mother pushed a mug over to him and Eli smiled and said, "Thank you."
His heart was still racing, but his mother's small gesture let him know things were okay, and that put him at ease for the time being.]
That ease didn't last long. His revelation about his actions, and how they were appearing to other people, caused him to be hyperaware of any interaction with Kevin. He tried to be subtle about his new plan to distance himself from him, but the others quickly picked it up and were clearly concerned. He had taken to sitting next to Alexander whenever they traveled somewhere and any free time they had he would spend in his apartment or working out with Soohyun and Kibum. All the members frequently shot him concerned looks (Well, except for Dongho. He tended to roll his eyes so hard it had to hurt and mutter "idiot" under his breath.), but he dodged any attempt to talk about what he was doing. He knew he was hurting not only Kevin, but the rest of the group too and it killed him inside. But he was certain he had to do this, for his own sake, and hoped the others would understand.
Two weeks after he started his changes, he was certain the other members were planning to stage an intervention the next time they could get him alone. One night during practice he was positive they were going to strike, but luckily-or unluckily, depending on how you saw it-Kevin got to him first.
[They had been in the dance studio when Eli decided to step out into the hallway for a quick break. He walked for a few minutes towards the exit when he heard something, or someone, behind him. Turning around, he saw Kevin coming towards him, the other members conveniently nowhere to be found.
"What is up with you lately?" Kevin asked and Eli was already working himself into a panic, desperately looking for a way out of this conversation.
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong," he responded breathily. "Look, can we talk later? Kiseop-"
"He's busy. So is everyone else," Kevin interrupted. "Why are you avoiding me?"
"I'm not avoiding-"
"Yes you are, Eli!" Kevin exclaimed. Eli was quickly getting tired of being cut off, the constant interruptions only adding fuel to the fire. "For god's sake, Eli, don't lie to my face. What did I do? Whatever it is, I'm sorry."
Eli sighed, "You didn't do anything."
"They why are you doing this?" Kevin shot back. Eli was faintly shocked at seeing Kevin this angry, having never seen this side of the boy directed at himself before.
"I'm not doing anything, Kevin. I'm allowed to hang out with other people, you're not the center of my world, " Eli countered, Kevin slightly recoiling in surprise and then quickly schooling his features into a mask of indifference.
"Fine, whatever," Kevin said, giving up and turning around to walk away. "Just do what you want."
"Kevin," Eli called after him. He jogged to where the other boy was and grabbed his shoulder, spinning him around. "C'mon, let's not fight. It'll make things weird for the others."
"Right, the others," Kevin snapped. "Because my feelings don't mean shit, right?"
"Kevin," Eli sighed again.
"You're my best friend!" Kevin shouted. Eli was taken aback, once again, at what Kevin said. He knew they were close but he personally never put a label on it. But to know Kevin considered him his best friend meant a lot, and not for the first time did Eli feel guilt creeping up his spine for what he'd been doing. "You're my best friend and you're supposed to be there for me."
In the back of his mind, Eli knew he was being ridiculous (He was noticing he had a habit for taking fights too far, for never censoring himself, for pushing people until they broke, for ruining everything he touched.) and that he should have apologized. But his own selfish pride-and insecurities-prevented the words from coming out. He was frustrated and way too emotional for his own comfort and ended up reacting the exact opposite of what he knew he should have.
"I didn't ask for this, you know!" Eli yelled at Kevin. "I didn't fucking ask for this. For you."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Eli's mind flashed to everything that had been bothering him lately. His own paranoia, his family, the other members and every one of their little habits that used to be cute-all of it was weighing down on him and Kevin's question had opened the proverbial floodgates, allowing everything to fall out of his mouth with little thought.
"You know, Kevin. You know. Everything. They threw all of us together, threw me into this fucking group of freaks and idiots and gave me three damn lines per song and just expect it to be fine. Well it's not and I'm fucking sick of it. I can't take this, I can't take you. My own family thinks I'm a fag now, on top of being a massive failure, my friends laugh in my face and the only people I have in my live are this foreigner spazz with ADD, the Hulk, Mr. Insecure, the only one more useless than me, the jailbait and you-fucking insecure, clingy, weak you."
Eli knew he took it too far when Kevin's eyes took on that glassy sheen they got just before he cried. Before, when Kevin looked like that, it made Eli want to go beat up whoever hurt him. Now, that feeling hadn't changed but it was a new experience to have that hatred and anger directed at himself.
"How dare you?" Kevin's voice was shaky and weak, but still angry. "How dare you say something like that? Is that what you really think? About U-Kiss? About us?"
Eli opened his mouth to respond, some venomous remark already on his tongue, but Kevin continued.
"If you hate us so much then just leave. Fucking leave, Eli. You're right, you're not doing anything for this group. You're ripping us apart and you don't even see it," Kevin started crying, choking on his words. "I- We- Fuck, it's not even worth it."
Kevin turned around again and headed for the door that led outside.
"Kevin. Stop, wait, I'm sor-"
"No. Don't even fucking try, Eli. I'm sick of this," Kevin spat, not even bothering to turn around. "You're so fucking two-faced. You do one thing and you say another. Do you even know the real you? Because I sure as hell don't and at this point, I'm not sure I want to."
Eli watched Kevin leave, frozen in place and unable to go after him. He wasn't sure where Kevin planned to go-they still had rehearsal after all-but couldn't contemplate it much, too distracted by the aching pain in his chest and the feeling of everything falling around him. He blindly stumbled back to the studio, collapsing onto the couch and not even noticing if anyone was around him.
"Where's Kevin?" Kibum asked, shocking Eli out of his stupor. He looked around and noticed all the other members staring at him.
"I don't know," Eli simply responded.
"You don't know? Oh my god, Eli!" Alexander exclaimed. He rushed around, getting his coat and running out the door. "I'll go look for him, just stay here."
After the flurry of activity from Alexander ended, silence took over the room again. Eli distantly noticed the other members muttering to themselves and looking over at him. They seemed to have reached some sort of conclusion after a few minutes, coming over to stand in front of him.
Eli looked up, simply staring and waited for an explanation of what exactly they were doing.
"Eli, we need to talk," Soohyun started and that seemed to be the cue for everyone to sit down. Kibum and Soohyun sat on either side of him and Dongho and Kiseop sat on the floor in front of him. He was immediately reminded of a similar scene that took place on the same couch, but thinking about Kevin meant seeing flashes of his crying face and that made his head hurt so he quickly halted that train of thought.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Kibum burst out, ignoring the glares Soohyun sent his way. "Why are you being such a damn idiot?"
"Look, it's for the better okay? I can't explain it," Eli said.
"Why the hell not?" Kibum exclaimed.
"Kibum!" Soohyun glared at him again. "Will you calm down? We're trying to talk to him not harass him."
"Why don't you just try?" Kiseop said softly, resting his hand on Eli's knee. "We won't judge you."
Eli glanced at Kiseop, then Soohyun, then Kibum, then Dongho and finally back to Kiseop before sighing. His gaze dropped to his lap and he muttered something that the other members couldn't understand.
"What?" They chorused and Eli's head snapped up.
"My mom thinks me and Kevin are together, okay?" He yelled, the others flinching backwards. "She kept bothering me about getting a girlfriend and about how Kevin and the rest of you are going to leave and split up and they already judge me so much and this is just another thing and we're not together so I should just back off so my family will be happy and so Kevin can… y'know… find a- a boyfriend or something."
"Gee, why would she ever think that?" Kibum muttered, ignoring the umpteenth glare Soohyun shot his way.
"You guys do act like a couple sometimes…" Soohyun said cautiously, wary of what Eli's reaction would be. When Eli continued to stare at his lap, Soohyun deemed it safe to continue. "You always take care of him and do sweet things for him… You're never really interested in any girls…"
"That's because there's none around!" Eli defended. "And I'm allowed to do nice things for him; it's okay here! You guys do the same thing with each other."
"'It's okay here'? What are you talking about?" Kibum asked.
"Oh you know… Korean guys are more, like, touchy with each other," Eli explained, feeling extremely stupid to be acknowledging this unsaid rule out loud. "It's just… y'know, what they do here."
The others stared at him blankly until Dongho finally piped up with, "But you're American."
Everyone's heads snapped towards the magnae and he shrugged. "What? You are! It doesn't even apply to you."
"Yeah I am, but-"
"And even if it did, you take it way farther with Kevin," Kibum interrupted. "Think about it, Eli. Who do you always go to first when you're worried or angry or depressed? Who do you trust with all your secrets?"
"Who do you always hug and touch and do skinship with?" Soohyun added, catching on to what Kibum was doing. Eli looked downright petrified at this point, clearly unwilling to deal with what they were trying to tell him.
Kiseop squeezed his knee and said in a soft voice, "Who do you think about when you wake up? When you go to sleep? Who would you protect with your life?"
Eli, still staring at his lap, clenched and unclenched his hands. This wasn't happening, they weren't trying to tell him what he thinks they're trying to tell him because he doesn't like boys and it's not true and Kevin doesn't like him back and fuck. Eli thought his heart might have stopped-or maybe it started beating at triple it's normal speed, one can't be too sure-and that he was pretty close to dying. Why else would his life be flashing before his eyes? Well, not his whole life, but every moment that involved Kevin (which was all the important things anyways, he noticed). Everything they said was true goddammit, it was undeniably true.
Eli shook his head rapidly, refusing to have a cheesy movie moment. He never had feelings for Kevin before; they're not going to just magically appear now. But as he looked around at the other boys' expectant eyes, he thought that maybe there was something there. Just below the surface, sneaking around in the back of his mind. The beginning of something, something big, something huge and all of a sudden being with Kevin didn't seem so bad.
"I… I…." He stuttered and that broke the trance his fellow members were in, Dongho being the first to react.
"You love him, idiot." Dongho said, leaning up and smacking him on the head. "So why are you fighting it so much? Just be."
The other members were silent for a moment and Kibum blurted out with, "Wow, Dongho. That was deep."
The serious mood lessened a bit at his joke, everyone laughing and smiling together. The air immediately thickened again when they heard the main door slam and heard footsteps come towards the room they were in. Eli jumped up from the couch and turned towards the door just as Kevin and Alexander walked in.
The first thing Eli noticed was Kevin looked, for lack of a better word, wrecked. He clearly had been crying and he was moving shakily and weakly like a startled animal. Kevin stopped when he saw Eli, Alexander nearly crashing into his back. The two stared at each other for what felt like hours, the other members holding their breaths (Except for Dongho, who was over the drama already and had flopped on the couch to play on his phone, yet still surreptitiously sneaking glances over at them.) while they waited for what would happen.
Eli took a small step forward, gauging Kevin's reaction before moving closer. When Kevin didn't react at all, Eli took that as an okay and rushed towards him, holding Kevin's face in his hands. Alexander flinched and moved forward to try to break them up, but stopped when he saw Soohyun shake his head.
Kevin and Eli were still staring at each other when Eli let out a soft, "Kevin…" breaking the spell that overcame them. Eli surged forward, pulling Kevin's head closer towards his and locking their lips together. Kevin gasped in surprise, allowing Eli's tongue to quickly swipe into his mouth before he pulled away.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Eli repeated, resting his head in the crook of Kevin's neck. "So, so sorry, Kevin. I'm sorry."
"Eli…" Kevin said quietly and Eli could feel him shaking in his arms. "What are you doing?"
"It's you, Kevin. It's always been you," Eli replied, his thoughts scattered and frenzied causing him to speak in broken sentences. "You always- I- I think I'm falling for you, Kevin. Oh god I don't know what I'm doing but I've been so terrible to you. I'm sorry, Kevin. Please forgive me; I'm sor-"
"Eli, it's okay!" Kevin interrupted, stopping Eli's mantra. "It's okay. I understand. You were angry, you were confused. I get it. I've been there."
"You... Right, of course," Eli responded, pulling back a bit and looking directly into Kevin's eyes. "Honestly, I have no idea what's happening or what this is or what it will be, but I have to know; do you feel it too?"
Kevin smiled softly at him, "Of course I do, Eli. I have for so long now."
"How long?" Eli demanded, starting to smile himself in response.
"Eli," Kevin whined in embarrassment.
"C'mon, tell me. How long?"
"Months, let's just put it that way." Kevin said, looking at his feet and face turning red.
Eli stared at him in amazement. How could anyone stick with him for so long? Even when he treated them like dirt? That whole time… Eli was doing those sweet things for him and Kevin felt… He didn't even know…
Eli pressed their mouths together again, this time lingering for much longer and bringing his arms down to wrap around Kevin's waist. The other members were grinning and watching them, ready to congratulate them once they broke apart. But a few minutes had passed and the new couple showed no signs of stopping.
Alexander ran over to Dongho yelling, "Your innocence!" and practically tackling him in an effort to cover his eyes.
Eli tried to ignore their antics but when Dongho started loudly complaining while Soohyun made catcalls, Kevin pulled away. He smiled at Eli, giving him a quick peck on the cheek and turning towards the others.
"Don't we have a dance to rehearse?" He asked, raising his voice to be heard by the other members. The boys jumped up, realizing how much time they had wasted, and started getting set up to begin practice again.
Kevin turned back to Eli, smiling so hard it hurt and Eli returned that smile tenfold. Kevin pecked him on the mouth and said, "Let's go practice." Eli stared down at his friend-his boyfriend and holy shit did that word make his heart race-and nodded but made no move to separate from their embrace. Kevin giggled at him and Eli thought that maybe a cheesy movie moment wasn't so bad.]
And they lived happily ever after. Well, that's the way Eli likes to tell it but it's a little more complicated than that. His feelings were still new and scary but Kevin, and the others members, helped him through it however they could. Him and Kevin still fought-sometimes it seemed like they fought more-but this fighting was infinitely better than how they used to because it always ended in kissing and Eli couldn't complain about that.
Eli still didn't consider himself gay, just maybe a little bent. And Kevin's femininity still wasn't a threat to him, but it had become more of a turn on than anything else. Which weirded even Eli himself out a bit at times, if he was speaking honestly.
But all in all, he couldn't complain. Life still had its ups and downs, as Kevin would put it (Eli would just say, "Life sucks and then it doesn't." but Kevin had influenced him more than he would've liked and thus he at least made an attempt to be more well-spoken.) but the goods far outweighed the bads now. Eli had no idea what was going to happen in the future-hell, he had no idea what's going to happen tomorrow-but he's content to let it happen, knowing he can conquer anything with Kevin by his side and his band members following behind.