(no subject)
I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm at this amazing point in my life. I love living, I have everything going for me, I'm so happy just to be myself. It's incredible. I feel like there's just so much out there in the world.
I'm not self-conscious, I'm extraverted, I'm just... happy.
It seems so easy, and I dunno, it feels like so many people are missing out on this feeling when it's so easy to get... I mean, it isn't as if I've done anything terribly special. But people are so unhappy all the time. I'm at peace, and it's hard to think how many people aren't when it's so simple.
It's all a little overwhelming. I want to write badly, but I can't think of the words to put down. This is the worst writer's block I've ever had, but also the best, because it's mostly because of all this wonderful stuff going on in my life.
Such a funny thing. Egan's leaving, and I'm going to miss him, I'm sad to see him go -- but I know I'll be just fine. I don't have any expectations of 'resuming' this.. whatever... when I get to see him again. This has such a finality to it, and I'm okay with that.
He wrote me a letter back. Most of it made me smile, laugh... some of it made me think. Especially the difference in how we feel in public. I kind of got how he didn't really like any form of PDA, but he never said anything. Ha, it's so funny how both he and Yuka have said something about him feeling I want to hold hands... and I thought holding hands was awkward when walking, especially at first. When sitting on the metro or whatever, yeah, but just walking around... I'd only wanna do it for a little while if at all.
And that feeling that he was withdrawn in public didn't bother me until the very end. It was because I was tired, it was because he was leaving soon, and it was starting to sink in, so I wanted that last little bit of touch.
I kind of wish he would have just said something, because if he'd told me he didn't want to do anything in public, I would have respected it and been fine with it. But it's okay either way. The only reason it matters is the image of me he's taking with him -- I know there's that clingy and annoying in there, but that's okay, because I have my flaws and I know it... and he knows it too. He told me in the end, even if he didn't in the beginning -- but I didn't ask in the beginning, either. So now I know to ask early on, when I get that distant feeling.
I've learned so much.
It's kind of hard to put this feeling I have into words. And it's funny how uncertain I am about a lot of things, and yet I feel so whole. I don't have a religion, I don't know what's true, and I'm content with that. I know who I am and I know my values, and regardless of what comes after, life itself is worth living. For that reason alone I'd opt for reincarnation given the choice: life itself is worth living.
My tattoo. I tried explaining it to Egan because he asked, but it was difficult. He and Yuka are both distinctly different from me on that level. "No regret." Because everything in your past makes you into who you are. You learn from mistakes. I have nothing in my past to regret. I guess a lot of that is because I've never really done anything horrible and I've had a good childhood, but... still. Egan asked if it's a reminder not to do anything you'll regret... no, not exactly. It's a reminder not to regret anything. It's a reminder to take the best out of everything. To look for the lessons in mistakes. That no one is perfect, least of all me, but I can still be content with myself.
I've been so lucky. I have good parents who love me... they have their flaws, but they are good parents, and they raised me right. I'd like to think that my good fortune in life isn't the only reason I can be so happy and content -- that anyone can feel this -- but I can't be sure, can I? I haven't ever faced real hardship, I don't think. I've always made good grades with little difficulty. My parents are great. I think... I think the only things that come close to what some teens my age have in their past is when I was little and Children & Family Services was investigating my family because they thought my dad was molesting me. He wasn't, though. And I was so little I didn't understand what went on at the time until much later. And then there was the year I lived with my grandmother and had that huge blowup with her... I know I felt like shit then because it seemed like she didn't trust me at all. She was treating me like I'd done some horrible juvenile delinquent sort of thing, and I hadn't.
I don't know. It's so strange how I can be so confused and still have this high.
I... think I'm done.
I'm at this amazing point in my life. I love living, I have everything going for me, I'm so happy just to be myself. It's incredible. I feel like there's just so much out there in the world.
I'm not self-conscious, I'm extraverted, I'm just... happy.
It seems so easy, and I dunno, it feels like so many people are missing out on this feeling when it's so easy to get... I mean, it isn't as if I've done anything terribly special. But people are so unhappy all the time. I'm at peace, and it's hard to think how many people aren't when it's so simple.
It's all a little overwhelming. I want to write badly, but I can't think of the words to put down. This is the worst writer's block I've ever had, but also the best, because it's mostly because of all this wonderful stuff going on in my life.
Such a funny thing. Egan's leaving, and I'm going to miss him, I'm sad to see him go -- but I know I'll be just fine. I don't have any expectations of 'resuming' this.. whatever... when I get to see him again. This has such a finality to it, and I'm okay with that.
He wrote me a letter back. Most of it made me smile, laugh... some of it made me think. Especially the difference in how we feel in public. I kind of got how he didn't really like any form of PDA, but he never said anything. Ha, it's so funny how both he and Yuka have said something about him feeling I want to hold hands... and I thought holding hands was awkward when walking, especially at first. When sitting on the metro or whatever, yeah, but just walking around... I'd only wanna do it for a little while if at all.
And that feeling that he was withdrawn in public didn't bother me until the very end. It was because I was tired, it was because he was leaving soon, and it was starting to sink in, so I wanted that last little bit of touch.
I kind of wish he would have just said something, because if he'd told me he didn't want to do anything in public, I would have respected it and been fine with it. But it's okay either way. The only reason it matters is the image of me he's taking with him -- I know there's that clingy and annoying in there, but that's okay, because I have my flaws and I know it... and he knows it too. He told me in the end, even if he didn't in the beginning -- but I didn't ask in the beginning, either. So now I know to ask early on, when I get that distant feeling.
I've learned so much.
It's kind of hard to put this feeling I have into words. And it's funny how uncertain I am about a lot of things, and yet I feel so whole. I don't have a religion, I don't know what's true, and I'm content with that. I know who I am and I know my values, and regardless of what comes after, life itself is worth living. For that reason alone I'd opt for reincarnation given the choice: life itself is worth living.
My tattoo. I tried explaining it to Egan because he asked, but it was difficult. He and Yuka are both distinctly different from me on that level. "No regret." Because everything in your past makes you into who you are. You learn from mistakes. I have nothing in my past to regret. I guess a lot of that is because I've never really done anything horrible and I've had a good childhood, but... still. Egan asked if it's a reminder not to do anything you'll regret... no, not exactly. It's a reminder not to regret anything. It's a reminder to take the best out of everything. To look for the lessons in mistakes. That no one is perfect, least of all me, but I can still be content with myself.
I've been so lucky. I have good parents who love me... they have their flaws, but they are good parents, and they raised me right. I'd like to think that my good fortune in life isn't the only reason I can be so happy and content -- that anyone can feel this -- but I can't be sure, can I? I haven't ever faced real hardship, I don't think. I've always made good grades with little difficulty. My parents are great. I think... I think the only things that come close to what some teens my age have in their past is when I was little and Children & Family Services was investigating my family because they thought my dad was molesting me. He wasn't, though. And I was so little I didn't understand what went on at the time until much later. And then there was the year I lived with my grandmother and had that huge blowup with her... I know I felt like shit then because it seemed like she didn't trust me at all. She was treating me like I'd done some horrible juvenile delinquent sort of thing, and I hadn't.
I don't know. It's so strange how I can be so confused and still have this high.
I... think I'm done.