The Five Times Tao Almost Killed His Roommates
Title: The Five Times Tao Almost Killed His Roommates and the five weapons he used
Rating: PG
Pairing: Tao-centric
Warning: crack!fic
Disclaimer: written in one go and first EXO fic
1.
The first time had been a legitimate accident.
At least, that’s what Zi Tao had convinced himself it was.
“You can’t just sneak into the practice room like that, ge,” Zi Tao muttered. “I mean, hyung.”
He gently pressed a cold cloth to Minseok’s face.
“I didn’t know you would swing at me with your stick,” Minseok whined. “Who knew a piece of wood would hurt so much?”
Zi Tao sighed, wincing slightly when he saw a rather large swell rise around the other male’s eye. “You tried to hug me while I was in mid-training. Of course I’m going to swing at you.”
Minseok rolled his eyes before cringing in pain. Tao resisted the urge to pull out his phone and snap a picture of the pouting male. How is this man older than me?
“Whoa,” Luhan smirked as he walked over to the pair. “Who bruised dumpling head?”
Minseok narrowed his eyes before tugging on Zi Tao’s sleeve. “I give you full permission to shove your stick up his ass.”
2.
Luhan had insisted, vehemently, that Zi Tao had been influenced by Minseok.
“He got angry because I called him a dumpling,” Luhan wailed. He was sprawled on his stomach, a compress balanced on his rear end. "I can't even speak the truth without fear of abuse anymore."
“Just because I told Zi Tao to shove his stick up your ass doesn’t mean he listened to me,” Minseok replied, watching Luhan with amusement. “At least you just got whacked on the ass and didn’t get stabbed in the eye.”
Luhan cackled loudly at the eye patch covering Minseok’s eye. The other male opted to throw a book at Luhan's injured rear.
“Once again, you people need to stop interrupting my practice,” Zi Tao mumbled. “It was an accident.”
Luhan muttered things about maknaes being defiant and abusive and how Sehun would never hurt his hyungs like that, maybe you should try to be more like him.
When Yi Xing came home from practice later, he found easier just not to question why Minseok was whimpering in the corner of the room or why Luhan was currently knocked out with a suspicious spoon-shaped indent on his forehead.
Instead, he just nodded at Tao and quietly locked himself in the bathroom.
3.
Zi Tao had this habit of being contemplative. That is, he liked to think. In silence.
Yi Xing also had this habit of being contemplative and Zi Tao thought that then their friendship would blossom quite well, until he learned that Yi Xing liked to think out loud. About everything.
“I mean, cucumber sandwiches sound so simple, yet they’re so intricate. If they’re used during tea time in high British societies, then surely there’s a deeper meaning to this all. Taking that into account, if I’m named after a famous deep-fried potato brand, then maybe there’s something else to it. Maybe it’s to symbolize the addicting effect my taste will have on the fans...”
At first, Zi Tao figured that if he just nodded, Yi Xing would be satisfied. And that worked for a while.
Then Zi Tao discovered that Kyungsoo worked better. Simply placing the ever-confused boy in front of Yi Xing meant endless hours of mindless talk and equally mindless nodding. It was a win-win situation for the both of them.
That is until EXO-M had to start preparing for the “MAMA” music video and Zi Tao found himself conveniently sharing a make-up station with Yi Xing.
“So if my power is healing, then why do I have the symbol of a unicorn? I mean, maybe they do heal people well, but isn’t that unicorn blood? Then that means I have to shed blood to save you guys, which I mean, I love you all, but that sounds a bit extreme, don’t you think? I think that’s borderline vampire-ism mixed with just plain wrong. But if you ever need my blood, I wouldn’t hesitate to donate, unless, that is, we’re of different types, then that’d be a little difficult...”
The music video director commented that Yi Xing’s dancing was a bit off that day. It looks like you're in pain. Did you get hurt? he asked.
Yi Xing merely glared at the floor. Minseok and Luhan quietly excused themselves for a bathroom break while Wu Fan tried to convince their manager that Zi Tao was not a threat to them.
Just keep stage props, like say massive rock monuments, away from him.
4.
Minseok and Yi Xing had secretly bet that Jongdae would survive the longest.
After all, with his calm nature and easy-going smile, there was no way Zi Tao would hurt him.
Luhan slapped down ten thousand won on the dining table and bet that Jongdae wouldn’t survive that day.
When their manager called later that evening to inform the boys that Jongdae was in the ER getting his hand stitched, Minseok and Yi Xing didn’t hesitate to scream bloody murder in their respective languages.
“How did you know,” Minseok demanded, eyeing Luhan suspiciously. The older slyly grinned, refusing to answer until Yi Xing hissed at him in Mandarin. Minseok barely made out Sehun and the photoshoot incident in the rush of words.
Luhan huffed. “I told Jongdae that Zi Tao loved to be tickled underneath his chin.”
“He’s a Wushu death-machine, not some cat,” Yi Xing groaned.
“Exactly,” Luhan smiled. Minseok sank to the floor, praying fervently for someone to save Luhan’s soul.
Jongdae later came back to the apartment with a bandaged hand and a stiffer smile. Zi Tao trailed after him, alternating between apologies and bows.
Their manager later added “rings” to the list of items that should be kept away from Zi Tao.
5.
“Wu Fan ge is the only one who’s survived,” Minseok said one afternoon. He lazily watched as Luhan tried to cook ramen.
“He has a face that could rival Zi Tao’s glare. Makes sense,” Jongdae added, frowning as he tasted the ramen.
Luhan shoved him away. “No, he’s just smart enough not to bother the little monster.”
“Where is Zi Tao anyways?” Jongdae asked.
“Taking selcas in the bathroom,” Yi Xing replied. “I think Wu Fan ge went to go tell him to stop being a narcissist.”
Luhan nodded before pausing. “Shit.”
Down the hall, there was a shout followed by the sound of shattering glass and then silence. Minseok crawled to the safety of his room while Jongdae pulled out his phone.
“Hello, manager hyung? Yeah, I think you’re going to have to bring the car over here. Yeah, it was finally Wu Fan hyung’s turn.”
---
Zi Tao came home one afternoon to find his bandmates whispering frantically amongst themselves. They froze upon seeing the maknae before telling him to go play some video games. Zi Tao merely shrugged and obliged their orders.
Turns out, they were figuring out rooming arrangements.
And they had decided, for the safety of the aparment members as well as for the entirety of EXO, that Zi Tao should be "kept at a reasonable distance."
Later that night, Zi Tao smirked to himself in victory. He had finally got a room to himself.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Tao-centric
Warning: crack!fic
Disclaimer: written in one go and first EXO fic
1.
The first time had been a legitimate accident.
At least, that’s what Zi Tao had convinced himself it was.
“You can’t just sneak into the practice room like that, ge,” Zi Tao muttered. “I mean, hyung.”
He gently pressed a cold cloth to Minseok’s face.
“I didn’t know you would swing at me with your stick,” Minseok whined. “Who knew a piece of wood would hurt so much?”
Zi Tao sighed, wincing slightly when he saw a rather large swell rise around the other male’s eye. “You tried to hug me while I was in mid-training. Of course I’m going to swing at you.”
Minseok rolled his eyes before cringing in pain. Tao resisted the urge to pull out his phone and snap a picture of the pouting male. How is this man older than me?
“Whoa,” Luhan smirked as he walked over to the pair. “Who bruised dumpling head?”
Minseok narrowed his eyes before tugging on Zi Tao’s sleeve. “I give you full permission to shove your stick up his ass.”
2.
Luhan had insisted, vehemently, that Zi Tao had been influenced by Minseok.
“He got angry because I called him a dumpling,” Luhan wailed. He was sprawled on his stomach, a compress balanced on his rear end. "I can't even speak the truth without fear of abuse anymore."
“Just because I told Zi Tao to shove his stick up your ass doesn’t mean he listened to me,” Minseok replied, watching Luhan with amusement. “At least you just got whacked on the ass and didn’t get stabbed in the eye.”
Luhan cackled loudly at the eye patch covering Minseok’s eye. The other male opted to throw a book at Luhan's injured rear.
“Once again, you people need to stop interrupting my practice,” Zi Tao mumbled. “It was an accident.”
Luhan muttered things about maknaes being defiant and abusive and how Sehun would never hurt his hyungs like that, maybe you should try to be more like him.
When Yi Xing came home from practice later, he found easier just not to question why Minseok was whimpering in the corner of the room or why Luhan was currently knocked out with a suspicious spoon-shaped indent on his forehead.
Instead, he just nodded at Tao and quietly locked himself in the bathroom.
3.
Zi Tao had this habit of being contemplative. That is, he liked to think. In silence.
Yi Xing also had this habit of being contemplative and Zi Tao thought that then their friendship would blossom quite well, until he learned that Yi Xing liked to think out loud. About everything.
“I mean, cucumber sandwiches sound so simple, yet they’re so intricate. If they’re used during tea time in high British societies, then surely there’s a deeper meaning to this all. Taking that into account, if I’m named after a famous deep-fried potato brand, then maybe there’s something else to it. Maybe it’s to symbolize the addicting effect my taste will have on the fans...”
At first, Zi Tao figured that if he just nodded, Yi Xing would be satisfied. And that worked for a while.
Then Zi Tao discovered that Kyungsoo worked better. Simply placing the ever-confused boy in front of Yi Xing meant endless hours of mindless talk and equally mindless nodding. It was a win-win situation for the both of them.
That is until EXO-M had to start preparing for the “MAMA” music video and Zi Tao found himself conveniently sharing a make-up station with Yi Xing.
“So if my power is healing, then why do I have the symbol of a unicorn? I mean, maybe they do heal people well, but isn’t that unicorn blood? Then that means I have to shed blood to save you guys, which I mean, I love you all, but that sounds a bit extreme, don’t you think? I think that’s borderline vampire-ism mixed with just plain wrong. But if you ever need my blood, I wouldn’t hesitate to donate, unless, that is, we’re of different types, then that’d be a little difficult...”
The music video director commented that Yi Xing’s dancing was a bit off that day. It looks like you're in pain. Did you get hurt? he asked.
Yi Xing merely glared at the floor. Minseok and Luhan quietly excused themselves for a bathroom break while Wu Fan tried to convince their manager that Zi Tao was not a threat to them.
Just keep stage props, like say massive rock monuments, away from him.
4.
Minseok and Yi Xing had secretly bet that Jongdae would survive the longest.
After all, with his calm nature and easy-going smile, there was no way Zi Tao would hurt him.
Luhan slapped down ten thousand won on the dining table and bet that Jongdae wouldn’t survive that day.
When their manager called later that evening to inform the boys that Jongdae was in the ER getting his hand stitched, Minseok and Yi Xing didn’t hesitate to scream bloody murder in their respective languages.
“How did you know,” Minseok demanded, eyeing Luhan suspiciously. The older slyly grinned, refusing to answer until Yi Xing hissed at him in Mandarin. Minseok barely made out Sehun and the photoshoot incident in the rush of words.
Luhan huffed. “I told Jongdae that Zi Tao loved to be tickled underneath his chin.”
“He’s a Wushu death-machine, not some cat,” Yi Xing groaned.
“Exactly,” Luhan smiled. Minseok sank to the floor, praying fervently for someone to save Luhan’s soul.
Jongdae later came back to the apartment with a bandaged hand and a stiffer smile. Zi Tao trailed after him, alternating between apologies and bows.
Their manager later added “rings” to the list of items that should be kept away from Zi Tao.
5.
“Wu Fan ge is the only one who’s survived,” Minseok said one afternoon. He lazily watched as Luhan tried to cook ramen.
“He has a face that could rival Zi Tao’s glare. Makes sense,” Jongdae added, frowning as he tasted the ramen.
Luhan shoved him away. “No, he’s just smart enough not to bother the little monster.”
“Where is Zi Tao anyways?” Jongdae asked.
“Taking selcas in the bathroom,” Yi Xing replied. “I think Wu Fan ge went to go tell him to stop being a narcissist.”
Luhan nodded before pausing. “Shit.”
Down the hall, there was a shout followed by the sound of shattering glass and then silence. Minseok crawled to the safety of his room while Jongdae pulled out his phone.
“Hello, manager hyung? Yeah, I think you’re going to have to bring the car over here. Yeah, it was finally Wu Fan hyung’s turn.”
---
Zi Tao came home one afternoon to find his bandmates whispering frantically amongst themselves. They froze upon seeing the maknae before telling him to go play some video games. Zi Tao merely shrugged and obliged their orders.
Turns out, they were figuring out rooming arrangements.
And they had decided, for the safety of the aparment members as well as for the entirety of EXO, that Zi Tao should be "kept at a reasonable distance."
Later that night, Zi Tao smirked to himself in victory. He had finally got a room to himself.