Observations - ME3 Mini-Fic
Title: Observations
Rating: PG-13 (some cursing)
Pairing: fShep/Zaeed
Characters: fShep, Javik
Synopsis: Javik, during an exploration of the rest of the new Normandy, finds Shepard in the starboard cargo and offers up his thoughts.
It amazed the Prothean just how primitive this cycle's technology was, in comparison to his own. Had they really only skimmed the very top of his people's technological advances that this was the best they could come up with? Javik drew a hand over the wall in the engineering corridor, plucking the impressions of the previous crew from the unfeeling steel. A great deal of emotion was stored here, he realized. He glimpsed flashes of a different Shepard, her own hand grazing the wall as she walked with some urgency towards the starboard cargo bay. An urgency filled these impressions, emotional desperation. What had been held there, Javik wondered, to have kept the Commander in such a state of longing?
The door now was sealed, though Javik could detect Shepard's presence within. The panels slid up and apart for him as he drew closer and he stepped inside. Shepard was at the rear of the bay, her back turned and forehead resting on the bulkhead. Waves of sadness radiated out from her, drawing the Prothean ever closer.
"Commander," his voice cut into the silence, though not harshly. Shepard glanced over her shoulder at him, her eyes red-rimmed and her mouth downturned. "Am I disturbing you?"
Shepard brushed her eyes with the back of her hand and turned towards him. "No, Javik, you're not," she replied somewhat briskly. A final sniff and she put her hands loosely on her hips. "Is there something you need?"
Javik eyed her carefully. The sadness continued to unfurl around her, as if she'd been carrying it for a very long time. He could sense the weight of loss in her heart, though he couldn't detect its origin. "No, Commander, there is not. However," he added, taking a few steps closer, one hand extended as if to prevent her from backing away, "it would seem to me that you are the one in search of something. May I inquire as to what that is?"
She gave a short bark of laughter, swiped at her still red nose, and swept her hand about as if to encompass the room. "What, can't you already feel it? You know what's wrong. Go on. Touch things. I doubt a fresh coat of paint and a few homey accessories could fool you."
Javik stopped mid-step. Her deflection only cemented his previous impression. Still, he did as he was bid and touched the nearest bulkhead. He felt a strong masculine presence, smelled the heavy scent of gun oil and smoke, and heard the cackle of a confident man. He also felt the strength of emotion -- of love, harder than any he'd felt in previous tours of the ship; it was almost tangible here. It flowed from the commander and echoed in every crevice of the bay. Anger coexisted here as well, but it was the anger of passion. Hot words that dissolved into an almost frantic exchange of intense emotions, of grasping need, and an overwhelming desire to be free.
The impression left Javik slowly, the effects of it coloring his golden eyes in a warm haze when he looked up at Shepard. A tight smile twisted her lips, as if she'd been witnessing it with him. "He was a mercenary, hired by Cerberus to help me beat the Collectors. I didn't expect to get attached to someone like him, someone so unlike anyone else I'd ever known or with such different views. He was no Kaidan, no noble soldier. But he was real and kept me on my feet. I haven't been the same since I was brought back. He kept me anchored," Shepard explained.
"You loved him very much," Javik murmured. Shepard nodded tightly. "Why is he not here now? He should be fighting by your side."
Shepard's harsh laugh returned. She paced the floor slowly, awkwardly, as if she'd forgotten how to control her legs. Her hands gestured blindly, loose on arms that swayed helplessly. Every ounce of her suggested confusion, loss, and desperation. It was not the same commander Javik had seen on Eden Prime or around the ship when speaking to the crew. This was the true Shepard, the hollow shell that Cerberus had created. He'd seen the long scar on her shorn scalp and had chalked it up to just another warrior's injury. Now, he knew it was a testament to her suffering.
"I was so righteous back then, so annoyingly good," she continued bitterly, still pacing like a marionette without strings. "I never would've given someone like him the time of day, let alone joined Cerberus. I had Kaidan Alenko to love. He was -- still is -- so noble and good. How he looks me in the eyes I'll never figure out. He doesn't get it. Doesn't understand what I've done. Those names on the wall?" she paused to jerk a finger towards the door, indicating the memorial wall on the crew deck, "I put half of them on there myself. I purposefully sought the deaths of Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor. The crew of the original SR-2? I left them to be turned into mush by the Collectors. I thought I was striking back at Cerberus, at the Illusive Man, taking a stand and maybe some control over my life. Ha!" she spat the word out like it was poison. Javik said nothing. Shepard resumed.
"The Illusive Man didn't care about Miranda or Jacob. They were expendable in his eyes. The entire crew was. I feel most sorry for Kelly, who was handpicked to serve here. Handpicked to die more like." Her tirade ceased here as she stared blankly at the far wall. "We'd planned it, you know. The whole thing. Jacob in the vents, but Miranda? That was just murder. He'd been the one to do it in the end. I couldn't. He said it was getting back at Cerberus. Kill off the Illusive Man's favorite agent. It'd piss him off, he said. So there was poor Miranda, giddy from victory over the Reaper baby -- long story -- and there was Zaeed clocking her upside the head with his rifle. When she fell, she recovered long enough to accuse us of deception, but not enough to avoid the bullet he put in her brain. When Joker came for us, we'd conveniently made it look like a piece of the ship had fallen on her. I should've been disgusted with myself. The old me would've been. But I didn't care anymore. I'd gained my freedom and a damn good ship, however empty."
"Then why did you surrender it to the Alliance if your freedom was so important?" Javik asked.
"Grand gesture? A sign of peace? I didn't realize they would take me into custody. But I guess war crimes and treason and all..." Shepard's words trailed off as reasoning failed her. "We spent about a month or two docked on Omega, gathering favors owed us from previous missions. Zaeed pulled a few strings and we were able to fix everything. I guess I felt enough time had passed for us to return to the Citadel. We technically had Council backing and I felt Anderson would speak for us favorably. Nope," she shook her head decisively. "The second we docked, Alliance soldiers were on us, same with C-Sec. I volunteered to go with them if they'd let my crew go. I sacrificed my freedom so that they could move on."
"And your man? What did he do?"
"He was reluctant. Said he didn't want to leave me to the lions. I told him his crimes were significantly worse than mine and I could weedle my way out of a long sentence. I told him to make my sacrifice worth it. He eventually went on to work for Cerberus again and was promptly fucked over. After that, he went on a little revenge mission of his own. We tried to stay in touch while I was in jail, but even with our secret ways, nothing got through. I didn't find him again until after the Alliance reinstated me and we were on the way to unite the Krogan and Turians. He would be with us now if not for his own mission. I've seen a few times since then, but it's never enough." Shepard paused again to take in the bare room. "He belongs here, where I can see him, talk to him..." She didn't finish the sentence. She didn't need to. Javik knew.
"Commander," Javik began carefully, for once seeking a more sensitive way to address an issue, "do you feel you would be able to see him again, should we succeed?"
"This is a bigger suicide mission than when I faced the Collectors," Shepard replied softly. "I would not be surprised at all if I never get to say goodbye properly to him." Her voice thickened as emotion overcame her. An abrupt clearing of her throat and she forced the rest out. "I don't expect to come back from this alive, if I'm being perfectly honest."
"If anyone can do this, Commander, I feel you can," Javik said, walking up to her and putting a hand lightly on her shoulder. A deeper touch would've resulted in more emotion than he could handle right now. It was positively flooding the cargo bay, streaming from her in great currents. "You have a great deal on your shoulders now, but you have made significant progress. You must not let this blind you. It is important to stay focused, as you tell your soldiers. You will see your man again, Shepard, even if it is at the very end."
This brought an unsteady smile to the commander's face and she nodded. "Thank you, Javik. And you're right. We will do this and I will see him again, even if it is at the end." She collected herself with a deep breath, shook off the shackles of emotion, and made for the door. Wordlessly, she left the cargo bay.
Alone, Javik took another turn about the room, his hand trailing over every available surface gingerly. The ship was small, but within its walls, it carried a great sadness. From all its passengers.
- End
Rating: PG-13 (some cursing)
Pairing: fShep/Zaeed
Characters: fShep, Javik
Synopsis: Javik, during an exploration of the rest of the new Normandy, finds Shepard in the starboard cargo and offers up his thoughts.
It amazed the Prothean just how primitive this cycle's technology was, in comparison to his own. Had they really only skimmed the very top of his people's technological advances that this was the best they could come up with? Javik drew a hand over the wall in the engineering corridor, plucking the impressions of the previous crew from the unfeeling steel. A great deal of emotion was stored here, he realized. He glimpsed flashes of a different Shepard, her own hand grazing the wall as she walked with some urgency towards the starboard cargo bay. An urgency filled these impressions, emotional desperation. What had been held there, Javik wondered, to have kept the Commander in such a state of longing?
The door now was sealed, though Javik could detect Shepard's presence within. The panels slid up and apart for him as he drew closer and he stepped inside. Shepard was at the rear of the bay, her back turned and forehead resting on the bulkhead. Waves of sadness radiated out from her, drawing the Prothean ever closer.
"Commander," his voice cut into the silence, though not harshly. Shepard glanced over her shoulder at him, her eyes red-rimmed and her mouth downturned. "Am I disturbing you?"
Shepard brushed her eyes with the back of her hand and turned towards him. "No, Javik, you're not," she replied somewhat briskly. A final sniff and she put her hands loosely on her hips. "Is there something you need?"
Javik eyed her carefully. The sadness continued to unfurl around her, as if she'd been carrying it for a very long time. He could sense the weight of loss in her heart, though he couldn't detect its origin. "No, Commander, there is not. However," he added, taking a few steps closer, one hand extended as if to prevent her from backing away, "it would seem to me that you are the one in search of something. May I inquire as to what that is?"
She gave a short bark of laughter, swiped at her still red nose, and swept her hand about as if to encompass the room. "What, can't you already feel it? You know what's wrong. Go on. Touch things. I doubt a fresh coat of paint and a few homey accessories could fool you."
Javik stopped mid-step. Her deflection only cemented his previous impression. Still, he did as he was bid and touched the nearest bulkhead. He felt a strong masculine presence, smelled the heavy scent of gun oil and smoke, and heard the cackle of a confident man. He also felt the strength of emotion -- of love, harder than any he'd felt in previous tours of the ship; it was almost tangible here. It flowed from the commander and echoed in every crevice of the bay. Anger coexisted here as well, but it was the anger of passion. Hot words that dissolved into an almost frantic exchange of intense emotions, of grasping need, and an overwhelming desire to be free.
The impression left Javik slowly, the effects of it coloring his golden eyes in a warm haze when he looked up at Shepard. A tight smile twisted her lips, as if she'd been witnessing it with him. "He was a mercenary, hired by Cerberus to help me beat the Collectors. I didn't expect to get attached to someone like him, someone so unlike anyone else I'd ever known or with such different views. He was no Kaidan, no noble soldier. But he was real and kept me on my feet. I haven't been the same since I was brought back. He kept me anchored," Shepard explained.
"You loved him very much," Javik murmured. Shepard nodded tightly. "Why is he not here now? He should be fighting by your side."
Shepard's harsh laugh returned. She paced the floor slowly, awkwardly, as if she'd forgotten how to control her legs. Her hands gestured blindly, loose on arms that swayed helplessly. Every ounce of her suggested confusion, loss, and desperation. It was not the same commander Javik had seen on Eden Prime or around the ship when speaking to the crew. This was the true Shepard, the hollow shell that Cerberus had created. He'd seen the long scar on her shorn scalp and had chalked it up to just another warrior's injury. Now, he knew it was a testament to her suffering.
"I was so righteous back then, so annoyingly good," she continued bitterly, still pacing like a marionette without strings. "I never would've given someone like him the time of day, let alone joined Cerberus. I had Kaidan Alenko to love. He was -- still is -- so noble and good. How he looks me in the eyes I'll never figure out. He doesn't get it. Doesn't understand what I've done. Those names on the wall?" she paused to jerk a finger towards the door, indicating the memorial wall on the crew deck, "I put half of them on there myself. I purposefully sought the deaths of Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor. The crew of the original SR-2? I left them to be turned into mush by the Collectors. I thought I was striking back at Cerberus, at the Illusive Man, taking a stand and maybe some control over my life. Ha!" she spat the word out like it was poison. Javik said nothing. Shepard resumed.
"The Illusive Man didn't care about Miranda or Jacob. They were expendable in his eyes. The entire crew was. I feel most sorry for Kelly, who was handpicked to serve here. Handpicked to die more like." Her tirade ceased here as she stared blankly at the far wall. "We'd planned it, you know. The whole thing. Jacob in the vents, but Miranda? That was just murder. He'd been the one to do it in the end. I couldn't. He said it was getting back at Cerberus. Kill off the Illusive Man's favorite agent. It'd piss him off, he said. So there was poor Miranda, giddy from victory over the Reaper baby -- long story -- and there was Zaeed clocking her upside the head with his rifle. When she fell, she recovered long enough to accuse us of deception, but not enough to avoid the bullet he put in her brain. When Joker came for us, we'd conveniently made it look like a piece of the ship had fallen on her. I should've been disgusted with myself. The old me would've been. But I didn't care anymore. I'd gained my freedom and a damn good ship, however empty."
"Then why did you surrender it to the Alliance if your freedom was so important?" Javik asked.
"Grand gesture? A sign of peace? I didn't realize they would take me into custody. But I guess war crimes and treason and all..." Shepard's words trailed off as reasoning failed her. "We spent about a month or two docked on Omega, gathering favors owed us from previous missions. Zaeed pulled a few strings and we were able to fix everything. I guess I felt enough time had passed for us to return to the Citadel. We technically had Council backing and I felt Anderson would speak for us favorably. Nope," she shook her head decisively. "The second we docked, Alliance soldiers were on us, same with C-Sec. I volunteered to go with them if they'd let my crew go. I sacrificed my freedom so that they could move on."
"And your man? What did he do?"
"He was reluctant. Said he didn't want to leave me to the lions. I told him his crimes were significantly worse than mine and I could weedle my way out of a long sentence. I told him to make my sacrifice worth it. He eventually went on to work for Cerberus again and was promptly fucked over. After that, he went on a little revenge mission of his own. We tried to stay in touch while I was in jail, but even with our secret ways, nothing got through. I didn't find him again until after the Alliance reinstated me and we were on the way to unite the Krogan and Turians. He would be with us now if not for his own mission. I've seen a few times since then, but it's never enough." Shepard paused again to take in the bare room. "He belongs here, where I can see him, talk to him..." She didn't finish the sentence. She didn't need to. Javik knew.
"Commander," Javik began carefully, for once seeking a more sensitive way to address an issue, "do you feel you would be able to see him again, should we succeed?"
"This is a bigger suicide mission than when I faced the Collectors," Shepard replied softly. "I would not be surprised at all if I never get to say goodbye properly to him." Her voice thickened as emotion overcame her. An abrupt clearing of her throat and she forced the rest out. "I don't expect to come back from this alive, if I'm being perfectly honest."
"If anyone can do this, Commander, I feel you can," Javik said, walking up to her and putting a hand lightly on her shoulder. A deeper touch would've resulted in more emotion than he could handle right now. It was positively flooding the cargo bay, streaming from her in great currents. "You have a great deal on your shoulders now, but you have made significant progress. You must not let this blind you. It is important to stay focused, as you tell your soldiers. You will see your man again, Shepard, even if it is at the very end."
This brought an unsteady smile to the commander's face and she nodded. "Thank you, Javik. And you're right. We will do this and I will see him again, even if it is at the end." She collected herself with a deep breath, shook off the shackles of emotion, and made for the door. Wordlessly, she left the cargo bay.
Alone, Javik took another turn about the room, his hand trailing over every available surface gingerly. The ship was small, but within its walls, it carried a great sadness. From all its passengers.
- End