(no subject)
Kinda long.
So, tomorrow (the 6th) will be our one year anniversary. It makes me think so much.
I mean, where was I a year ago when I ended up with him? Drunk, stumbling through a parkinlot, hanging on his shoulder. I was bitching that we should just go out and out of his frustration he reluctantly agreed.
But, what would have happened if that night never occured? Where would I be today? I mean, I do understand that a year is not a lot of time and that a boyfriend should not be that much of a change in lifestyle. But, in all honesty, my life has changed.
I don't have nearly as many friends as I did then. I would choose hanging out with him rather than seeing them. But, in a way, those friends were skin deep and in the long run not worth it. But it's got me thinking: was it worth it? I mean, they were the ones that got boyfriends as well. Or lost the glasses, grew boobs and decided me not worth their time. But, what are you gonna do?
In a good light, he has become a part of me. I feel incomplete if I don't talk to him for a day or two. It's such a comfort to have someone there all the time, no matter what. But, is it good to depend on someone as much as I depend on him? I have no fucking clue.\
Then there's the topic of sex. I love it. No matter what kind of mood I may be in, it's a good mood for sex. And he enjoys it as well. But, seemingly not as much as I do. I always figured it was because of how I look. I mean, fat girls have some benefits (they take what they can get), but I know it's not that.
Future plans always seem to be avoided when in conversation. I remember one time I asked if we would be friends when we broke up and he said something to the effect of we won't ever see that day. He doesn't want to get married. In a way, neither do I. Not that we are thinking about marriage or kids or any of that bullshit right now. But when the obstacle of college comes up (I wanna go to Scotland, he did want to go but recently debated on it) it's so awkward. Him going with me was the thing that made me definatley want to go. But now that he's iffy, it makes me want to back out. But, I'm going with or without him.
I don't even know where I'm going with this entry. So, I'm gonna end it here. On to new topics.
+++++++
So, Mark and my Mom are fighting. Knock down-drag out kind of fighting. I'm pretty sure it's because of me, but Mom says it's not. So, while we're on the topic of Mark...
He hasn't spoken a word to me in three months. Three fucking months. I guess, in a way, this is what I've always wanted: to not be bothered by him. But, alienation isn't the right thing. The huge blowout we had 3 months ago still lingers in the air. I hate it.
I do not, however, hate Mark. I know that he's given me alot of unneccessary shit over the years he's been with my Mom. But, I can't hate him. I mean, without him, I wouldn't have any siblings that weren't incarcerated. As much of a pain in the ass they may be, I still love all of them. And I know he makes my Mom happy, which is the best thing in the world. But I still don't understand why him and I use to disagree to that degree.
Maybe he thought that my Mom didn't do a good job raising me because of the way Russ is. There was nothing wrong with how Russ was brought up. He did that to himself for whatever reason. But, I'm nothing like that. I never did anything wrong that would give me the punishment that I received.
But, the more the kids grow up and repeat the exact same child-like mistakes that I made when I was there age, shows me that it was just me that got that treatment. He doesn't raise a hand to them. He doesn't make them go without food for three days. He doesn't lock open the window, in a middle of a snowstorm and take away their blankets in a room that has no heat because they forgot their homework. Is it because I'm not his own flesh and blood? Is it because of the way I look? Is it because of my dad? I don't and never will understand it.
I wish he knew I don't dislike him in anyway. I wish he knew I respected him as much as I do. I'd tell him, but that won't get me anywhere but in another fight and or kicked out of the house.
So, tomorrow (the 6th) will be our one year anniversary. It makes me think so much.
I mean, where was I a year ago when I ended up with him? Drunk, stumbling through a parkinlot, hanging on his shoulder. I was bitching that we should just go out and out of his frustration he reluctantly agreed.
But, what would have happened if that night never occured? Where would I be today? I mean, I do understand that a year is not a lot of time and that a boyfriend should not be that much of a change in lifestyle. But, in all honesty, my life has changed.
I don't have nearly as many friends as I did then. I would choose hanging out with him rather than seeing them. But, in a way, those friends were skin deep and in the long run not worth it. But it's got me thinking: was it worth it? I mean, they were the ones that got boyfriends as well. Or lost the glasses, grew boobs and decided me not worth their time. But, what are you gonna do?
In a good light, he has become a part of me. I feel incomplete if I don't talk to him for a day or two. It's such a comfort to have someone there all the time, no matter what. But, is it good to depend on someone as much as I depend on him? I have no fucking clue.\
Then there's the topic of sex. I love it. No matter what kind of mood I may be in, it's a good mood for sex. And he enjoys it as well. But, seemingly not as much as I do. I always figured it was because of how I look. I mean, fat girls have some benefits (they take what they can get), but I know it's not that.
Future plans always seem to be avoided when in conversation. I remember one time I asked if we would be friends when we broke up and he said something to the effect of we won't ever see that day. He doesn't want to get married. In a way, neither do I. Not that we are thinking about marriage or kids or any of that bullshit right now. But when the obstacle of college comes up (I wanna go to Scotland, he did want to go but recently debated on it) it's so awkward. Him going with me was the thing that made me definatley want to go. But now that he's iffy, it makes me want to back out. But, I'm going with or without him.
I don't even know where I'm going with this entry. So, I'm gonna end it here. On to new topics.
+++++++
So, Mark and my Mom are fighting. Knock down-drag out kind of fighting. I'm pretty sure it's because of me, but Mom says it's not. So, while we're on the topic of Mark...
He hasn't spoken a word to me in three months. Three fucking months. I guess, in a way, this is what I've always wanted: to not be bothered by him. But, alienation isn't the right thing. The huge blowout we had 3 months ago still lingers in the air. I hate it.
I do not, however, hate Mark. I know that he's given me alot of unneccessary shit over the years he's been with my Mom. But, I can't hate him. I mean, without him, I wouldn't have any siblings that weren't incarcerated. As much of a pain in the ass they may be, I still love all of them. And I know he makes my Mom happy, which is the best thing in the world. But I still don't understand why him and I use to disagree to that degree.
Maybe he thought that my Mom didn't do a good job raising me because of the way Russ is. There was nothing wrong with how Russ was brought up. He did that to himself for whatever reason. But, I'm nothing like that. I never did anything wrong that would give me the punishment that I received.
But, the more the kids grow up and repeat the exact same child-like mistakes that I made when I was there age, shows me that it was just me that got that treatment. He doesn't raise a hand to them. He doesn't make them go without food for three days. He doesn't lock open the window, in a middle of a snowstorm and take away their blankets in a room that has no heat because they forgot their homework. Is it because I'm not his own flesh and blood? Is it because of the way I look? Is it because of my dad? I don't and never will understand it.
I wish he knew I don't dislike him in anyway. I wish he knew I respected him as much as I do. I'd tell him, but that won't get me anywhere but in another fight and or kicked out of the house.