{hell}
Things here have been so hectic and so hellish that I haven't had time to really be anywhere. I haven't been completely active in the comms I'm in but right now things here are just so...frustrating.
Toby has an appointment today as well as one tomorrow. He is freaking the fuck out.
He has all of the symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD. Which means, for him, that he can not get in a car and leave my house. He can walk or ride a bike but even then his fear kicks in and he has to come back. So he is almost losing his mind over these two appointments. Not to mention he was a bit sick yesterday so that really didn't help things any.
But I told him that if he needed to call and cancel the one for today and that I'll cover the $20 fee for him not calling earlier and then he can just go to his appointment on Thursday. So we went to bed around 3am or so and when I woke up at 1:30-ish he wasn't in bed so I came downstairs to find him laying on the couch somewhat sleeping. I asked if he called and canceled and he said that he didn't so apparently he is going to at least try and go to it, which is all I ask from him is that he tries to do something.
His appointment isn't until 4:30 but they want him there 30 minutes early for some kind of paperwork I guess and it's the same time for his appointment tomorrow. I feel so helpless because there isn't anything more I can do except sit here and try to encourage him to do it and drive him there. He keeps saying that I am doing enough just by being here and that in the end he'll have some there...a shoulder to cry on if you will but to me that doesn't seem like a whole lot. I feel so goddamned helpless and the only thing I've been able to do is just sit here and watch him go through his own personal hell and it hurts me so much that there isn't a damned thing I can do except sit here and tell him that everything is going to be ok. Which I don't truly know if that is true or not. What if it isn't ok? What if we get there and the therapy doesn't work? What if his pills don't work? Too many 'what if's' and not enough solid answers. I feel as if I have failed him- as a fiance, as a lover, as a friend, as everything. He doesn't see it that way but I do and it hurts me so much that all I have done the past 2 days is just cry because I can't do anything more for him. *sigh*
Not to mention my 5 appointments over the next 3 months. I have one August 7th at 1pm and it's a 30 minutes session, then I have another 30 minutes session on the 17th of September(I have to double check that one) at 9:30am and then I have an hour session in the beginning of October and I think that is at 10am(Have to check) then I have a Dr.'s appt. with Dr. Conrad about medication on the 27th at 12:30 and another 2 weeks after that for a follow up. Yeah. I'm running myself ragged because I had to work my appointments around my school schedule, which I start Aug. 25th, so I don't know if I'll be on as much when that starts.
I better go now. I want to get a little something to eat and then I'm going to have to work on getting Toby in the car here in about an hour. Fun.
I promise that once things get sorted out I'll try and be more active on here and on my IJ.
Toby has an appointment today as well as one tomorrow. He is freaking the fuck out.
He has all of the symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD. Which means, for him, that he can not get in a car and leave my house. He can walk or ride a bike but even then his fear kicks in and he has to come back. So he is almost losing his mind over these two appointments. Not to mention he was a bit sick yesterday so that really didn't help things any.
But I told him that if he needed to call and cancel the one for today and that I'll cover the $20 fee for him not calling earlier and then he can just go to his appointment on Thursday. So we went to bed around 3am or so and when I woke up at 1:30-ish he wasn't in bed so I came downstairs to find him laying on the couch somewhat sleeping. I asked if he called and canceled and he said that he didn't so apparently he is going to at least try and go to it, which is all I ask from him is that he tries to do something.
His appointment isn't until 4:30 but they want him there 30 minutes early for some kind of paperwork I guess and it's the same time for his appointment tomorrow. I feel so helpless because there isn't anything more I can do except sit here and try to encourage him to do it and drive him there. He keeps saying that I am doing enough just by being here and that in the end he'll have some there...a shoulder to cry on if you will but to me that doesn't seem like a whole lot. I feel so goddamned helpless and the only thing I've been able to do is just sit here and watch him go through his own personal hell and it hurts me so much that there isn't a damned thing I can do except sit here and tell him that everything is going to be ok. Which I don't truly know if that is true or not. What if it isn't ok? What if we get there and the therapy doesn't work? What if his pills don't work? Too many 'what if's' and not enough solid answers. I feel as if I have failed him- as a fiance, as a lover, as a friend, as everything. He doesn't see it that way but I do and it hurts me so much that all I have done the past 2 days is just cry because I can't do anything more for him. *sigh*
Not to mention my 5 appointments over the next 3 months. I have one August 7th at 1pm and it's a 30 minutes session, then I have another 30 minutes session on the 17th of September(I have to double check that one) at 9:30am and then I have an hour session in the beginning of October and I think that is at 10am(Have to check) then I have a Dr.'s appt. with Dr. Conrad about medication on the 27th at 12:30 and another 2 weeks after that for a follow up. Yeah. I'm running myself ragged because I had to work my appointments around my school schedule, which I start Aug. 25th, so I don't know if I'll be on as much when that starts.
I better go now. I want to get a little something to eat and then I'm going to have to work on getting Toby in the car here in about an hour. Fun.
I promise that once things get sorted out I'll try and be more active on here and on my IJ.