This hit me. Hard. During my 9 year relationship with E, he was always the health buff - no smoking, no softdrinks, exercise, yada yada. We had our first break up on our 2nd year, and I turned to smoking. He found out about it when we got back, and was naturally disgusted and made me promise not to smoke again. I stopped, only to find out 3 months later that he started smoking too. Because of me. Perhaps he was trying to understand me. Fast forward to now, I smoke everytime we break up, it is the vice I turn to without him; him? He never did stop (which breaks my heart.)
Like Ive said in my LJ, I can tolerate everybody else's smoking, not just his. Because I would always feel guilty that I was the one that led him to it.
i guess we can never really change a person. it kinda bothered that she did too -- most especially since she would never really tell me when she did. I never really supported it, but I never really had the heart to put my foot down and tell her to quit.
Maybe in the future, we'd find each other sharing a stick, but unfortunately, it seems I smoke far more than she does.
i was not smoking because I wanted to love. And with every wasted day and unsmoked cigarette, I realized that I’ve been fooling myself into thinking that it was possible - oh, so idiotically possible - to move on.
I smoke because I cannot love. I cannot love. I cannot love.
i was not smoking din before because i wanted to love. during the days when i didnt love my (ex)bf, i smoked.. he left, smoking stayed.
Are you really still hung up over her or do you like the feeling of being depressed? It's a weird question, I know. It's six in the morning and I've been awake for 26 hours. I'm just curious. Cause you know, I was thinking about it the other day. Maybe I don't want to be over him because I like the depression I'm experiencing. Cause for me, depression sparks up creativity~ whether in drawing, painting, or writing. And I just I don't know. Sure dwelling in the past and thinking of things that might have happened hurts but it feels good to be in pain. Okay. I'm no longer making sense. I should get some sleep.
I know how that feels like. It seems like every single activity, even the most menial of tasks, is cathartic when I am in a dangerously low point emotionally. It's a painful place to be in, but you get addicted to the pain, and then it becomes a comfortable space from which you have neither the energy nor interest to get out of.
To x_boyfriend: Hey mate, just happened to wander into your journal. I like the way you write, so I added you.
i also smoked after we broke up, but it was more out of sheer protest and noT self-pity. i guess, i had to break out of conventions. i didn't want to be the girl that he claimed to "love". i've always felt that in the real world, time is scarce.. ergo, we shouldn't dwell on our past. i think nicotine helped me realize that..and i'm hoping to getting rid of the vice someday...when i'm sane again.haha
well, i wouldn't go far to say that I smoked out of self-pity. I think it has everything to do with fingers. I needed to do something, anything at all to keep me occupied. and I get you about the sheer protest thing.
how I see it, the only way I can quit is by falling in love with a non-smoker.
how I see it, the only way I can quit is by falling in love with a non-smoker. >>> it may provide you with an incentive, but it's still an external motivation. you have to accept the idea that no matter what happens, she'll still be a part of you....
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During my 9 year relationship with E, he was always the health buff - no smoking, no softdrinks, exercise, yada yada. We had our first break up on our 2nd year, and I turned to smoking. He found out about it when we got back, and was naturally disgusted and made me promise not to smoke again. I stopped, only to find out 3 months later that he started smoking too. Because of me. Perhaps he was trying to understand me. Fast forward to now, I smoke everytime we break up, it is the vice I turn to without him; him? He never did stop (which breaks my heart.)
Like Ive said in my LJ, I can tolerate everybody else's smoking, not just his. Because I would always feel guilty that I was the one that led him to it.
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Maybe in the future, we'd find each other sharing a stick, but unfortunately, it seems I smoke far more than she does.
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I smoke because I cannot love. I cannot love. I cannot love.
i was not smoking din before because i wanted to love. during the days when i didnt love my (ex)bf, i smoked.. he left, smoking stayed.
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i think, this could not have been said any better.
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Boo. I didn't notice the sun rising. I missed it.
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To x_boyfriend: Hey mate, just happened to wander into your journal. I like the way you write, so I added you.
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i've always felt that in the real world, time is scarce.. ergo, we shouldn't dwell on our past. i think nicotine helped me realize that..and i'm hoping to getting rid of the vice someday...when i'm sane again.haha
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how I see it, the only way I can quit is by falling in love with a non-smoker.
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but when he left. i tremble.falter. thus smoke my way to rebellion of love.and.hate.
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