therapy
I'm pretty much just using my LJ to vent about my life right now basically because I haven't used it in years and I don't expect anyone to actually see this, so.
Ugh. It has just been the worst week. and I don't know what I can do to make it better.
I had to break up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years and I still feel awful about that. Because while I had to do it to save my sanity, I know he must be so crushed and I never ever wanted him to feel like that because he only deserves good things, And he was my best friend too, its hard not being able to text him anymore.
And all week I've been edgy because a different ex may or may not be in town this week, and I haven't seen him since he chopped me into little bite-sized pieces 2 years ago. Its a weird love-hate relationship we've always had and it makes me so mad that I can't just get rid of him from my life, but at the same time I don't want to because he was such a good friend. Even though he's like poison.
God, boys are just doing my head in.
And I'm still trying to get over Clockwork Princess. I'm still processing everything. I'm re-reading City of Bones to calm myself down because I honestly just can't handle what happened with Will and Jem and Tessa. And now their story is over! I honestly love TID so much more than TMI, the characters are just so much more likable. And sexy.
Oh James Carstairs. Oh, dear. and Will Herondale just- and fucking Magnus. kjfbgkadjgakldndfbsfbskbn
So on top of all that it was just a shit day at work because one of the girls I work with that I get along with really well wasn't there today when I thought she would be, and it was just so busy all day and my fingertips have been burnt off so that hurts, and I was looking forward to getting hammered with my best friend and going out and dancing and just partying tonight but NOOOOO she had to get SICK, which I know isn't her fault at all but god dammit I was so looking forward to it and I bought a new dress and everything,
And after that, I come home to find out that MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE HAVE BROKEN UP????????????????????????????????????????
WHAT THE FUCK
I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
I feel like someone just divorced me. My Chem have ALWAYS been there through everything and to hear that they're gone now.. I just.
I can't even think about it right now.
As if that wasn't enough, my dad put the most ridiculous proposition to me. I don't trust him. I especially don't trust him with anything business-related. And I feel like he only wants me to help him because I'm the only daughter he has left that doesn't have much of a life going on and sometimes I feel like he takes me and my sisters for granted too much. Sometimes I wonder if he's as proud of me as he is of them.
Compared to them I'm definitely not anything special. Just the random kid in the family.
You know what I thought tonight? I thought how much I would like to just become somebody else. Instead of going by Ang I could go by Ella (Angela, do you see? no? using the end part instead of the first part?!) And just delete everyone from facebook and start new and go by my mothers maiden name and instead of the hopeless weirdo Angela Smith I could be Ella Breakwell.
And I'm seriously considering it.
On the bright side, I only just downloaded YMAS's two most recent albums and they're like the band I've always been looking for! I can't believe I always used to write them off.
Anyway. thats my rant for the year I guess. Now I just want to re-do the quiz thing from 2 years ago to see whats changed. haha,
10 secrets
- I hate who I am
- I don't trust my father
- I never want children, because the world is an awful place to be
- I don't know what to do or where to go from here
- I still love him, in a very distant way
- I really want a tattoo but I wouldn't know where to put it, Because I'm fat and it wouldn't look good.
- I had a cigarette today (such a rebel i know)
- I'm only 21 but I feel so old. I don't feel young at all. I feel like my time is up, and its ridiculous.
- I'm trying not to keep secrets anymore
- Sometimes I wonder if I treated one of my friends right. I wonder if I was accidentally hurting his feelings without realising.
9 loves
- books
- the snow
- hot beverages
- internet
- Sydney
- My nephew, Frankie. And the rest of my family I guess.
- music
- the few friends who stuck by me even when I went crazy
- Him, forever I guess.
8 fears
- getting old
- getting fat
- getting pregnant
- spiders
- ghosts
- going nowhere
- being forgotten
- how badly they're gonna fuck up the Vampire Academy movie
7 wants
- money
- a new laptop
- for all this hard work and dieting to pay off so I'll actually get thinner
- winter
- my hair to fucking grow already
- new friends
- to get overseas6 places you want to go
- Canada
- London
- America
- Switzerland
- Sydney. Always Sydney. Sydney Sydney Sydney.
- Disneyland
5 foods
- shapes
- soup
- noodles
- curry
- meat (I am a caveman. MEAT)
4 books
- Harry Potter
- The Mortal Instruments/The Infernal Devices
- Vampire Academy
- Southern Vampire Mysteries (True Blood books)
3 films
- Tangled
- The Hobbit
- Chicago
2 songs
- Stay With Me - You Me At Six
- It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish - My Chemical Romance
they're what I'm feeling today.
1 picture of yourself
I like this photo, but the shadow gives me a beard,