Chasing myself
So, Billy thinks I need therapy. He says that my panic attacks have become destructive to my social life. Or something. So, what happened was that I left late last Saturday and drove to Missouri. I had dinner and hung out with Ashley, spent the night at a hotel and left the next morning because Billy had called earlier that evening. This was day one of my tension headache.
The following morning (Sunday) I drove through Missouri, Arkansas and Northern Texas. I stopped in Atlanta, Texas because Billy had to work on Monday. Monday morning I drove into Lufkin, drove past Billy's job and saw him through the window. He called and told me to go to Chili's and get a table. I did. He came in and sitting across from him, the panic started.
We went to his apartment. While Billy doesn't smoke, his apartment smelled very much like an ashtray because he allows his friends to smoke in his apartment. To save money, I had planned on staying with him until today (the following Saturday). I was really tired, so I was kind of bleh. I sat on the opposite end of a huge couch. He was kind of annoyed because I was so quiet. At 9:00, I gave up and said I was ready for bed. He pointed to his bedroom. I kinda looked at him and told him that I couldn't sleep with him. He kept saying that the guest room bed was really uncomfortable. He did offer to sleep on the couch and let me have his bed, but I told him I'd be okay in the spare room. He went in, closed the door and fabreezed the room.
That night, I didn't get much sleep. The bed really was uncomfortable and my lungs were aching from the smell of smoke. (I'm allergic.) I started psyching myself up for a panic attack. I don't even know why. The next morning (Tuesday) I had knots in my stomach as I heard him get up. Half an hour later, I stuck my head out the door and saw that he had went back to bed. Slowly and quietly, I took my stuff to my car. I took one last look and I drove away. Of course, I felt like crap and I realized that I had probably just really hurt a good friend. I couldn't stop driving.
A few hours later, he text messaged me and asked where I was and if I was okay. I tried to explain. I drove through Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi and into Alabama. I stopped in Alabama. I called him and tried to explain. He didn't understand and his feelings were hurt, but he said he wasn't mad at me. I, however, was furious with myself.
The next morning (Wednesday), I drove into Florida and then Georgia. After driving well into the night, I finally found a hotel that wasn't booked solid. The girl checking me in told me about her four step-children and how she'll be married one year the day after she turns nineteen. I could just say, "wow" after each thing she told me. I can't imagine being a step-mother of four kids from 11 to 2 at the age of 18. This was another night of restless sleep.
The next morning (Thursday), I drove through Georgia, into South Carolina, North Carolina and into Virginia. The second I saw those mountains, peace began to fill my heart. I kept listening to the most ridiculous songs and crying my eyes out. Not necessarily because I was sad... but because memories were filling me too full. There was the song played at my grandpa's funeral... he's been gone six years and I miss him. There was a song about a dad and his daughter... my dad is 70 and I'm scared of losing him. There was a song about realizing that God is calling you back to Him... and I'm so very far away from where I want to be...
I stopped in Virginia. I slept better than I had in previous nights, but still the headache persisted. I got up the next morning (Friday) and got out a map and tried to decide what to do. At some point, I had just started driving into states, just to take a picture of the "wecome to" sign. I decided to drive to West Virginia, back into Virginia and into Tennessee, where I would stay for two nights, then into Nashville to see James on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I picked a town, found a hotel and drove to Cookeville, Tennessee. Apparently, other people had similar ideas because the town was full and the hotels were without non-smoking rooms.
I drove on into Nashville and after almost dying in Goodlettsville, I decided to go home. So, last night, I drove and drove and drank coffee and stopped at rest stops and talked to Billy and drove and drove and finally got home around 1:30 last night. I went upstairs to my comfy bed... and couldn't sleep.
I have no idea what is going on with me. I understand my "issues", I mean, Lord, we all have them. What I don't understand is how my mind can tell my body that it's time to tense up and freak out and run away whenever I am out of my comfort zone. I didn't used to be this way. A little bit of it stems from what happened with Dan last year. Still... it's annoying.
So, after finally going to sleep after five this morning, I got up at 1 and now I'm watching some weird French guy cook some gross oyster dish and waiting on my family to come home with my yummy Chinese food. Tomorrow I will pack, because I'm going back to Tennessee to see James on Monday. I'll be home on Wednesday and go back to work on Thursday.
Crazy or not... this is my life. This is how I process things. I don't know how to relax. I don't know how to sit still. I don't know how to think about things that don't involve working or doing something for someone. I don't know how to exist only for me. So, after a lot of thought, I have decided that it is time for me to leave Early Head Start. I will begin job hunting next month and will hopefully be employed somewhere else at the end of the summer next year. It's time.
I can't keep tying myself in knots worrying about work and then going on vacation and having work (and my boss) call me to discuss work events. I work extremely hard for my company and I go above and beyond what I am supposed to do and yet, it's never enough. I will not destroy myself for them. I will not give up who I am to be who they want me to be. My job is not my life. Not anymore.
Now I just have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life...