fic: heartache and hindsight
Title: Heartache and Hindsight
Author: x_kathirose
Rating: PG-13
Length: 2055 words.
Summary: Lucas and Edwin experience life apart. Angst ensues. 9 short chapters based on 9 randomly selected songs.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters in any way shape or form.
---
01. this love (will be your downfall) - ellie goulding
who are you to make me feel so good?
who are we to tell ourselves that we're misunderstood?
who am i to say i'm always yours?
who am i to choose the boy that everyone adores?
"it's over." the words tumbled alarmingly easily out of edwin's mouth, but as he did so he realised he'd needed to say them for a while. the past couple of weeks had seen an increasing distance between him and lucas, the once easy camaraderie being replaced by something tense and brittle that speared edwin through the heart. they needed a break from each other to clear the air, to get back the giddy excitement of the first flush of their romance.
still, that didn't mean that he could bear to look up, to see the pain in lucas's eyes, the anguish carved into his face. edwin ducked his head and walked away. a clean break. this was better for everyone. wasn't it?
02. liquor store blues - bruno mars
i'll take one shot for my pain
one drag for my sorrow
get messed up today
i'll be okay tomorrow
lucas wasn't going to let himself cry, not in public at least. there'd be time for tears at home, later on, when the warm arms of his mother and nina were wrapped around him, offering him nothing but sympathy and unconditional love. there was only one thing to do now, though, and that was to drink himself into next week and hope that when he woke up this would all turn out to be a bad dream.
dansatoria was crowded with sweaty, drunken partiers when he got there. ignoring bing completely, he delved behind the bar and pulled out a bottle of vodka. he unscrewed the lid as fast as humanly possible and then tipped as much as he could manage down his throat. it stung his throat but warmed the pit of his stomach, so he kept drinking. and drinking, and drinking, and drinking, until the edges of his vision blurred and the sound of his own voice magnified a thousand times.
when lucas woke up in the morning he wondered why he couldn't see the familiar posters on edwin's walls, or smell the delicious sweat and hair gel scent that lingered on edwin's pillows. when he rolled over and saw the man lying in bed next to him wasn't edwin, he felt sick in a way that had nothing to do with his hangover. he dressed quickly and tiptoed out of the house, heading towards his own home and the warm waiting arms of his mother. he desperately needed strong coffee, one of rosa's breakfast rolls and an ocean's worth of sympathy. what a mess, he thought dejectedly, running his hands through his hair. what a fucking mess.
03. incredible machine (interlude) - sugarland
a heart that beats
an incredible machine
made of blood and love
and hope and lust and steam
in the endless empty, meaningless days that followed their break up, edwin often thought about the time he'd fallen off his bike and broken his arm. he could still remember the excruciating pain that had started in his arm and then echoed throughout his body. he remembered the agonising trip to hospital, the overly bright waiting room with the myriad of children's toys scattered haphazardly on the floor. he remembered the smiles of the nurses, the curiously heavy weight of his plaster, the inconvenience of only having one useful hand.
now he wishes they had hospitals for heartache.
04. let the rain - sara bareilles
if i were fearless
then i'd speak my truth
the world would hear this
that's what i wish
lucas missed edwin with every fibre of his being. he needed to see him again, to hold him and be held by him, to feel the comforting warmth of edwin's body against his. the problem was that he could never find the words to say this. whenever they saw each other they'd lower their heads and change direction, avoiding eye contact. he'd picked up his phone and let his finger hover over edwin's name more times than he cared to remember. he'd even plucked up enough courage to walk over to edwin's house once, but he couldn't find the will to press the doorbell, so he'd turned around and walked home, ashamed of himself. he desperately wished he was brave and bold, like the hero from a romantic comedy who swoops the object of his affections off their feet and into the sunset. but no. he was too afraid to even ring the doorbell, because he couldn't bear to see edwin again, and know that the best thing he'd ever had was gone, maybe forever.
05. silver and gold - city and colour
i woke from the dream
in a cold cold sweat
i was full of doubt
and deep regret
two things occurred to edwin that night, as he lay bathed in a cold sweat in the dark stillness of his bedroom. one, that he was still more in love with lucas than anyone else he'd ever met. two, he'd made the biggest mistake of his life. why had he felt the need to break them up? all couples have problems sometimes. you're supposed to talk through them and solve them together, not run away scared like a child from a clown. he saw now that their relationship hadn't altered as dramatically as he'd imagined. they'd been busy that week, that was all. there was a theme night at dansatoria that lucas had been in charge of organising. edwin himself had had exams. so what if they'd not phoned each other every night? that didn't mean they didn't still love each other. edwin rolled over in bed and looked at his alarm. half past one. this was going to be a very long night.
06. doors unlocked and open - death cab for cutie
somewhere down, down
down in the ocean of sound, sound
we'll live in slow-motion
and be free
with doors unlocked and open
lucas had often fantasised about running away with edwin, back when they were together - a glorious, blissful time, that now seemed like it had happened centuries ago. they'd tell no-one of their plans, just book plane tickets to wherever took their fancy and stay there for as long as they wanted, drowning in each other's happiness. somewhere with hot weather so they'd have an excuse to touch each other as they rubbed sun cream onto the other's back. somewhere with a view of the sunset so they could fall asleep in each other's arms as the sun fell slowly out of sight, bleeding colour into the sky. there would be no-one to separate them. they could be together always, just the two of them against the world.
now the dream hurt him more than it pleased him, but sometimes lucas still dreamt it late at night, and when he woke up he swore he could almost hear the gentle lap of waves in the background, and smell the sweet salty tang of the sea. sometimes he even imagined that he could feel the smooth soft warmth of edwin's skin pressing against him, but when he opened his eyes, all he saw was the space in his bed that was meant for edwin, and he was reminded of the gulf between them, a gulf so wide he saw no way to close it.
07. shine the light - sugarland
when you've given into your fears
when you've lost your will to fight
let me know what i can do
let me try to make it right
sometimes edwin thinks he would have gone insane if it hadn't been for his mother.
his father wouldn't have understood, of course. he would have told him that he was weak, and feminine, and that it was pathetic to miss lucas this much, so much that sometimes edwin prayed that something would fall onto his head and end this misery and constant aching loss. and as close as he was with sjoerd, they didn't discuss things like this, not with sjoerd still wrapping his head around the whole my-brother-is-attracted-to-men thing. no, it was bianca who was his guardian angel, his rock, his shining light in the darkest days, when grief suffocated him with its damp black tendrils.
she was there with tea when he cried so much that eventually there was no water left to cry. she was there with a patient ear when he wanted to talk. she was there with a film when he wanted to distract himself from the pain. she was there with a hug when he needed to feel the warmth of someone else pressed against him. she was there with an endless ocean of sympathy and reassuring noises that soothed him as he cried into the night.
and she was there when the doorbell rang, late one night, and she was there when edwin opened it to find lucas waiting outside, fresh tracks of tears shining on his face.
07. salt skin - ellie goulding
hands on strings and my mouth open
find the perfect words that I've not spoken
and i won't tell the truth unless you want me to
lucas had never wanted anyone as much as he wanted edwin that night. it had taken him five minutes to work up the courage to ring the doorbell, and then edwin was standing in front of him, hands shaking slightly as they held onto the door handle. the expression on edwin's face mixed guilt with fear and sadness with desire, and it broke lucas's heart all over again.
"ed-" lucas didn't have time to finish his sentence before edwin stepped out of the doorway and pressed his mouth to lucas's. he felt his body melt willingly into edwin's embrace, just as it had done a million times before, only this time was different. the feelings of lust and desire and their hunger for each other were palpable in the air.
neither of them noticed the front door slamming shut behind them, or bianca's smiles as she watched from the kitchen. their entire world was contained within each other's arms, and lucas had never felt more alive.
08. machine gun - sara bareilles
locked and loaded
you're practically floating away now
in your fortress you feel like
you're more or less safe now
they didn't leave edwin's bedroom for a week, or least that's how long it felt. being together after being apart felt like a monsoon after weeks of drought. they showered only to make love somewhere that wasn't edwin's bed, and when everyone left the house there wasn't a room that didn't tempt them. being together again felt secure, and safe, and exactly right. in that week they built a fortress made of whispered confidences and warm embraces around their love, and silently agreed that nothing would ever come between them again, because nothing could possibly feel as good as the love they gave each other.
09. we found each other in the dark - city and colour
so bright, the flames burned in our hearts
that we found each other in the dark
"do you regret breaking up with me?" the words were out of lucas's mouth before he could stop them.
edwin didn't say anything and lucas cursed silently, afraid he'd said the wrong thing. he wished immediately that he could take the words back - no way was he ever going to allow himself to lose edwin again, especially not over something ridiculous like this - and was about to tell edwin so when a single word cut through the air like a knife.
"no."
lucas's face moved from shock to sadness to annoyance in a matter of seconds. he sat up and looked at edwin, his mouth hanging open in outrage.
"no?!"
edwin smiled lopsidedly and something in lucas's stomach did a backflip. "if i hadn't broken up with you, i never would have realised how much i need you. the past couple of weeks were some of the darkest days i've ever had. but they were worth it, because we found each other again - even in the dark."
"i love you, edwin bouwhuis."
"i love you too, lucas sanders."
Author: x_kathirose
Rating: PG-13
Length: 2055 words.
Summary: Lucas and Edwin experience life apart. Angst ensues. 9 short chapters based on 9 randomly selected songs.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters in any way shape or form.
---
01. this love (will be your downfall) - ellie goulding
who are you to make me feel so good?
who are we to tell ourselves that we're misunderstood?
who am i to say i'm always yours?
who am i to choose the boy that everyone adores?
"it's over." the words tumbled alarmingly easily out of edwin's mouth, but as he did so he realised he'd needed to say them for a while. the past couple of weeks had seen an increasing distance between him and lucas, the once easy camaraderie being replaced by something tense and brittle that speared edwin through the heart. they needed a break from each other to clear the air, to get back the giddy excitement of the first flush of their romance.
still, that didn't mean that he could bear to look up, to see the pain in lucas's eyes, the anguish carved into his face. edwin ducked his head and walked away. a clean break. this was better for everyone. wasn't it?
02. liquor store blues - bruno mars
i'll take one shot for my pain
one drag for my sorrow
get messed up today
i'll be okay tomorrow
lucas wasn't going to let himself cry, not in public at least. there'd be time for tears at home, later on, when the warm arms of his mother and nina were wrapped around him, offering him nothing but sympathy and unconditional love. there was only one thing to do now, though, and that was to drink himself into next week and hope that when he woke up this would all turn out to be a bad dream.
dansatoria was crowded with sweaty, drunken partiers when he got there. ignoring bing completely, he delved behind the bar and pulled out a bottle of vodka. he unscrewed the lid as fast as humanly possible and then tipped as much as he could manage down his throat. it stung his throat but warmed the pit of his stomach, so he kept drinking. and drinking, and drinking, and drinking, until the edges of his vision blurred and the sound of his own voice magnified a thousand times.
when lucas woke up in the morning he wondered why he couldn't see the familiar posters on edwin's walls, or smell the delicious sweat and hair gel scent that lingered on edwin's pillows. when he rolled over and saw the man lying in bed next to him wasn't edwin, he felt sick in a way that had nothing to do with his hangover. he dressed quickly and tiptoed out of the house, heading towards his own home and the warm waiting arms of his mother. he desperately needed strong coffee, one of rosa's breakfast rolls and an ocean's worth of sympathy. what a mess, he thought dejectedly, running his hands through his hair. what a fucking mess.
03. incredible machine (interlude) - sugarland
a heart that beats
an incredible machine
made of blood and love
and hope and lust and steam
in the endless empty, meaningless days that followed their break up, edwin often thought about the time he'd fallen off his bike and broken his arm. he could still remember the excruciating pain that had started in his arm and then echoed throughout his body. he remembered the agonising trip to hospital, the overly bright waiting room with the myriad of children's toys scattered haphazardly on the floor. he remembered the smiles of the nurses, the curiously heavy weight of his plaster, the inconvenience of only having one useful hand.
now he wishes they had hospitals for heartache.
04. let the rain - sara bareilles
if i were fearless
then i'd speak my truth
the world would hear this
that's what i wish
lucas missed edwin with every fibre of his being. he needed to see him again, to hold him and be held by him, to feel the comforting warmth of edwin's body against his. the problem was that he could never find the words to say this. whenever they saw each other they'd lower their heads and change direction, avoiding eye contact. he'd picked up his phone and let his finger hover over edwin's name more times than he cared to remember. he'd even plucked up enough courage to walk over to edwin's house once, but he couldn't find the will to press the doorbell, so he'd turned around and walked home, ashamed of himself. he desperately wished he was brave and bold, like the hero from a romantic comedy who swoops the object of his affections off their feet and into the sunset. but no. he was too afraid to even ring the doorbell, because he couldn't bear to see edwin again, and know that the best thing he'd ever had was gone, maybe forever.
05. silver and gold - city and colour
i woke from the dream
in a cold cold sweat
i was full of doubt
and deep regret
two things occurred to edwin that night, as he lay bathed in a cold sweat in the dark stillness of his bedroom. one, that he was still more in love with lucas than anyone else he'd ever met. two, he'd made the biggest mistake of his life. why had he felt the need to break them up? all couples have problems sometimes. you're supposed to talk through them and solve them together, not run away scared like a child from a clown. he saw now that their relationship hadn't altered as dramatically as he'd imagined. they'd been busy that week, that was all. there was a theme night at dansatoria that lucas had been in charge of organising. edwin himself had had exams. so what if they'd not phoned each other every night? that didn't mean they didn't still love each other. edwin rolled over in bed and looked at his alarm. half past one. this was going to be a very long night.
06. doors unlocked and open - death cab for cutie
somewhere down, down
down in the ocean of sound, sound
we'll live in slow-motion
and be free
with doors unlocked and open
lucas had often fantasised about running away with edwin, back when they were together - a glorious, blissful time, that now seemed like it had happened centuries ago. they'd tell no-one of their plans, just book plane tickets to wherever took their fancy and stay there for as long as they wanted, drowning in each other's happiness. somewhere with hot weather so they'd have an excuse to touch each other as they rubbed sun cream onto the other's back. somewhere with a view of the sunset so they could fall asleep in each other's arms as the sun fell slowly out of sight, bleeding colour into the sky. there would be no-one to separate them. they could be together always, just the two of them against the world.
now the dream hurt him more than it pleased him, but sometimes lucas still dreamt it late at night, and when he woke up he swore he could almost hear the gentle lap of waves in the background, and smell the sweet salty tang of the sea. sometimes he even imagined that he could feel the smooth soft warmth of edwin's skin pressing against him, but when he opened his eyes, all he saw was the space in his bed that was meant for edwin, and he was reminded of the gulf between them, a gulf so wide he saw no way to close it.
07. shine the light - sugarland
when you've given into your fears
when you've lost your will to fight
let me know what i can do
let me try to make it right
sometimes edwin thinks he would have gone insane if it hadn't been for his mother.
his father wouldn't have understood, of course. he would have told him that he was weak, and feminine, and that it was pathetic to miss lucas this much, so much that sometimes edwin prayed that something would fall onto his head and end this misery and constant aching loss. and as close as he was with sjoerd, they didn't discuss things like this, not with sjoerd still wrapping his head around the whole my-brother-is-attracted-to-men thing. no, it was bianca who was his guardian angel, his rock, his shining light in the darkest days, when grief suffocated him with its damp black tendrils.
she was there with tea when he cried so much that eventually there was no water left to cry. she was there with a patient ear when he wanted to talk. she was there with a film when he wanted to distract himself from the pain. she was there with a hug when he needed to feel the warmth of someone else pressed against him. she was there with an endless ocean of sympathy and reassuring noises that soothed him as he cried into the night.
and she was there when the doorbell rang, late one night, and she was there when edwin opened it to find lucas waiting outside, fresh tracks of tears shining on his face.
07. salt skin - ellie goulding
hands on strings and my mouth open
find the perfect words that I've not spoken
and i won't tell the truth unless you want me to
lucas had never wanted anyone as much as he wanted edwin that night. it had taken him five minutes to work up the courage to ring the doorbell, and then edwin was standing in front of him, hands shaking slightly as they held onto the door handle. the expression on edwin's face mixed guilt with fear and sadness with desire, and it broke lucas's heart all over again.
"ed-" lucas didn't have time to finish his sentence before edwin stepped out of the doorway and pressed his mouth to lucas's. he felt his body melt willingly into edwin's embrace, just as it had done a million times before, only this time was different. the feelings of lust and desire and their hunger for each other were palpable in the air.
neither of them noticed the front door slamming shut behind them, or bianca's smiles as she watched from the kitchen. their entire world was contained within each other's arms, and lucas had never felt more alive.
08. machine gun - sara bareilles
locked and loaded
you're practically floating away now
in your fortress you feel like
you're more or less safe now
they didn't leave edwin's bedroom for a week, or least that's how long it felt. being together after being apart felt like a monsoon after weeks of drought. they showered only to make love somewhere that wasn't edwin's bed, and when everyone left the house there wasn't a room that didn't tempt them. being together again felt secure, and safe, and exactly right. in that week they built a fortress made of whispered confidences and warm embraces around their love, and silently agreed that nothing would ever come between them again, because nothing could possibly feel as good as the love they gave each other.
09. we found each other in the dark - city and colour
so bright, the flames burned in our hearts
that we found each other in the dark
"do you regret breaking up with me?" the words were out of lucas's mouth before he could stop them.
edwin didn't say anything and lucas cursed silently, afraid he'd said the wrong thing. he wished immediately that he could take the words back - no way was he ever going to allow himself to lose edwin again, especially not over something ridiculous like this - and was about to tell edwin so when a single word cut through the air like a knife.
"no."
lucas's face moved from shock to sadness to annoyance in a matter of seconds. he sat up and looked at edwin, his mouth hanging open in outrage.
"no?!"
edwin smiled lopsidedly and something in lucas's stomach did a backflip. "if i hadn't broken up with you, i never would have realised how much i need you. the past couple of weeks were some of the darkest days i've ever had. but they were worth it, because we found each other again - even in the dark."
"i love you, edwin bouwhuis."
"i love you too, lucas sanders."