Worst Interrogation Ever
So, I'm out at the field training site for my class last night and I play a role for one of the interrogators. This guy is not one of MY students, by the way. It lasted three hours and was a hilarious ordeal.
Should Be a Scene from Catch-22
My character in this interrogation is a left wing insurgent who started a riot by inciting a bunch of people to attack members of a right wing insurgent group. I happen to get arrested with my girlfriend--Sophia--who is also an insurgent. I'm brought to the U.S. Army for questioning.
My character is a calm, intelligent, and sarcastic person. In other words he's me. I figure it should be easy, I just have to be myself. If the interrogator can convince me it's in my best interest to talk, my character will talk. I don't think I'm spoiling anything here by saying that I didn't talk.
Anyway, we dance around a bunch of routine questions and I'm somewhat cooperative and somewhat insulting. I make it point to let him know when he asks me a question that's stupid or has an obvious answer. He can tell I'm smart and tries to flatter me by telling me so but is clumsy at it and it doesn't work.
I'm able to give him a fairly plausible lie about why I was arrested. I don't admit to inciting the riot, but say that I was merely going to a nightclub with my girlfriend when a fight was started by the right wing guys. I was there watching it when the police showed up and arrested everybody.
It was a good lie and he bought it, but this is when things got really comical. To fully grasp the humor of the conversation I'm about to transcribe, you will all have to know a little about questioning techniques.
Interrogators are trained to follow a chronological sequence, (i.e what happened next? then what happened next? and on and on until reaching the end of the story). They're also supposed to ask about activities that were planned to take place in the future, to ask about activities that occurred in the past, and to use the six basic interrogatives--what, who, when, where, why, and how--in questioning. The following is a perfect example of sticking to a doctrine instead of common sense.
Hapless Interrogator: "What were you planning to do after going to the nightclub?"
Me: I think about this for a second and give him the most logical answer as to what I would do after going to a nightclub with my girlfriend "I was going to fuck Sophia."
Hapless Interrogator: letting out a sigh and realizing he's walked into a very uncomfortable place, he then looks down at his questioning guide and unwisely decides to plow on through the standard set of questions, oh, and there was a big long pause, too "Who was going to fuck Sophia?"
Me: giving him a funny look "I was."
Hapless Interrogator: getting in deeper "Who else?"
Me: "Uhhhhhhhh, no one, just me."
Hapless Interrogator: "When were you going to fuck Sophia?"
Me: he'd already explained how I was to give times to him so I knew the drill on this "From 2200 hours to 2300 hours 12 August 2004."
Hapless Interrogator: "Where were you going to fuck Sophia."
Me: "In the bedroom."
Hapless Interrogator: "What's the address?"
Me: "7579 Ramsey Street, Sierra Vista."
Hapless Interrogator: "Why were you going to fuck Sophia?"
Me: the real question is why are you asking such stupid fucking questions! "Because it feels good."
Hapless Interrogator: "How were you going to fuck Sophia?"
Me: "I was probably going to start with a little doggie-style and then finish up with the missionary position."
At this point there's a little pause. The interrogator is clearly flustered and has no clue what to do. To stall for time, he filled out a little timeline showing when I went to the night club, when I got arrested and when I planned on fucking my girlfriend. Unsure of what to do next, he goes right back to the standardized questioning guide. Oh, he's also getting a little uncomfortable with using the word fuck.
Hapless Interrogator: "When was the last time you and Sophia were intimate?" The logic that's supposed to apply here would exist if we were talking about blowing up a bridge, after getting me to tell about my plans to blow up a bridge, he would then ask if I had blown up any bridges in the past. It doesn't quite apply to sex.
Me: "Oh, that would be last night."
He's about to ask me another question when I stop him.
Me: "Wait, wait, wait, let me see if I can give you all the information you in the right order. I think I've figured out what you need now."
I take a few seconds to think up everything and then proceed to answer the inevitable what, who, when, where, why, and how questions.
Me: "Fucking Sophia. Me. Just me. From 2130 hours to 2300 hours 11 August 2004. In the bedroom of 7579 Ramsey Street, Sierra Vista. Because it feels good. Missionary with a little bit of oral sex as foreplay. Did I cover everything?"
Hapless Interrogator: "You forgot the why and the how." He must not have been paying attention.
Me: "No I didn't. Why was because it feels good and how was the missionary position with some oral sex as foreplay."
My poor interrogator is now completely at a loss as to what to do next. He--yet again--unwisely decides to ask a standard military type question that's just not appropriate here.
Hapless Interrogator: "What route did you take to be intimate with Sophia?"
Me: "That would be, between her legs, past her labia, into her vagina, and occasionally hitting her cervix."
Interrogator drops head onto the table and gives up.
Me: "Why all these questions about my sex-life?"
Hapless Interrogator: dejected "I don't know?"
For clarity, I've edited out the he kept referring to Sophia as Maria before correcting himself.
Me: "And, who is this Maria?"
Hapless Interrogator: "Oh, that's MY wife."
Me: "You want me to fuck YOUR wife?"
Hapless Interrogator: "No, no, no."
Me: "I think you should call your wife and have a little phone-sex session because you're obviously obsessed right now."
He takes a second to compose himself and then tells me we're going to stop the interview and that I'm going back into the holding area AND into isolation (I always did dig Steve McQueen's character in "The Great Escape").
I then come out of character and he whines about how tough this was and how he didn't know where to go with the interrogation. I told him that he shouldn't cling so tightly to the guide he has when it just doesn't make sense in a situation. He wasn't happy about failing the interrogation, but it was at least good for a laugh.
Should Be a Scene from Catch-22
My character in this interrogation is a left wing insurgent who started a riot by inciting a bunch of people to attack members of a right wing insurgent group. I happen to get arrested with my girlfriend--Sophia--who is also an insurgent. I'm brought to the U.S. Army for questioning.
My character is a calm, intelligent, and sarcastic person. In other words he's me. I figure it should be easy, I just have to be myself. If the interrogator can convince me it's in my best interest to talk, my character will talk. I don't think I'm spoiling anything here by saying that I didn't talk.
Anyway, we dance around a bunch of routine questions and I'm somewhat cooperative and somewhat insulting. I make it point to let him know when he asks me a question that's stupid or has an obvious answer. He can tell I'm smart and tries to flatter me by telling me so but is clumsy at it and it doesn't work.
I'm able to give him a fairly plausible lie about why I was arrested. I don't admit to inciting the riot, but say that I was merely going to a nightclub with my girlfriend when a fight was started by the right wing guys. I was there watching it when the police showed up and arrested everybody.
It was a good lie and he bought it, but this is when things got really comical. To fully grasp the humor of the conversation I'm about to transcribe, you will all have to know a little about questioning techniques.
Interrogators are trained to follow a chronological sequence, (i.e what happened next? then what happened next? and on and on until reaching the end of the story). They're also supposed to ask about activities that were planned to take place in the future, to ask about activities that occurred in the past, and to use the six basic interrogatives--what, who, when, where, why, and how--in questioning. The following is a perfect example of sticking to a doctrine instead of common sense.
Hapless Interrogator: "What were you planning to do after going to the nightclub?"
Me: I think about this for a second and give him the most logical answer as to what I would do after going to a nightclub with my girlfriend "I was going to fuck Sophia."
Hapless Interrogator: letting out a sigh and realizing he's walked into a very uncomfortable place, he then looks down at his questioning guide and unwisely decides to plow on through the standard set of questions, oh, and there was a big long pause, too "Who was going to fuck Sophia?"
Me: giving him a funny look "I was."
Hapless Interrogator: getting in deeper "Who else?"
Me: "Uhhhhhhhh, no one, just me."
Hapless Interrogator: "When were you going to fuck Sophia?"
Me: he'd already explained how I was to give times to him so I knew the drill on this "From 2200 hours to 2300 hours 12 August 2004."
Hapless Interrogator: "Where were you going to fuck Sophia."
Me: "In the bedroom."
Hapless Interrogator: "What's the address?"
Me: "7579 Ramsey Street, Sierra Vista."
Hapless Interrogator: "Why were you going to fuck Sophia?"
Me: the real question is why are you asking such stupid fucking questions! "Because it feels good."
Hapless Interrogator: "How were you going to fuck Sophia?"
Me: "I was probably going to start with a little doggie-style and then finish up with the missionary position."
At this point there's a little pause. The interrogator is clearly flustered and has no clue what to do. To stall for time, he filled out a little timeline showing when I went to the night club, when I got arrested and when I planned on fucking my girlfriend. Unsure of what to do next, he goes right back to the standardized questioning guide. Oh, he's also getting a little uncomfortable with using the word fuck.
Hapless Interrogator: "When was the last time you and Sophia were intimate?" The logic that's supposed to apply here would exist if we were talking about blowing up a bridge, after getting me to tell about my plans to blow up a bridge, he would then ask if I had blown up any bridges in the past. It doesn't quite apply to sex.
Me: "Oh, that would be last night."
He's about to ask me another question when I stop him.
Me: "Wait, wait, wait, let me see if I can give you all the information you in the right order. I think I've figured out what you need now."
I take a few seconds to think up everything and then proceed to answer the inevitable what, who, when, where, why, and how questions.
Me: "Fucking Sophia. Me. Just me. From 2130 hours to 2300 hours 11 August 2004. In the bedroom of 7579 Ramsey Street, Sierra Vista. Because it feels good. Missionary with a little bit of oral sex as foreplay. Did I cover everything?"
Hapless Interrogator: "You forgot the why and the how." He must not have been paying attention.
Me: "No I didn't. Why was because it feels good and how was the missionary position with some oral sex as foreplay."
My poor interrogator is now completely at a loss as to what to do next. He--yet again--unwisely decides to ask a standard military type question that's just not appropriate here.
Hapless Interrogator: "What route did you take to be intimate with Sophia?"
Me: "That would be, between her legs, past her labia, into her vagina, and occasionally hitting her cervix."
Interrogator drops head onto the table and gives up.
Me: "Why all these questions about my sex-life?"
Hapless Interrogator: dejected "I don't know?"
For clarity, I've edited out the he kept referring to Sophia as Maria before correcting himself.
Me: "And, who is this Maria?"
Hapless Interrogator: "Oh, that's MY wife."
Me: "You want me to fuck YOUR wife?"
Hapless Interrogator: "No, no, no."
Me: "I think you should call your wife and have a little phone-sex session because you're obviously obsessed right now."
He takes a second to compose himself and then tells me we're going to stop the interview and that I'm going back into the holding area AND into isolation (I always did dig Steve McQueen's character in "The Great Escape").
I then come out of character and he whines about how tough this was and how he didn't know where to go with the interrogation. I told him that he shouldn't cling so tightly to the guide he has when it just doesn't make sense in a situation. He wasn't happy about failing the interrogation, but it was at least good for a laugh.