My friends' feeds are full of emotional write ups about latest drama between Israeli and Palestinian herders, the exodus in Nagorno-Karabakh, Putin's latest stance on the war with Ukraine, and I am just... I feel nothing for any of these wars and clashes other than scorching sense of resentment that borders on hatred that isn't even targeted at ( Read more... )

Some days I feel this incredibly strong urge to ping you and tell you that we should re-connect. We should talk. We should stay in touch. What does it matter that the circumstances are against us. None of that matters. All that matters is that the conversation doesn't stop.

Then I ask myself "What am I tripping about? And what's deal with these ( Read more... )

Did my huge shopping for the week. I spent quite a bit of time arranging and re-arranging different size containers in my pantry to get them all fitted in just so. It took me a bit of time, but I got it ( Read more... )

Last night I sprawled on my bed with my book, my oldest with her book, with L. flying through the room, reciting her "I am creating on the fly" poetry. It was absolutely prefect...

I came across a statement about brain research indicating that when a person is capable of playing out complete fantasies in their mind, it is one of the two things: a sign of a highly intelligent person or utter madness.

It made me think of the years I spent my time living in the present while concurrently living my life in the present with you in ( Read more... )

I told my ex that since he was the one who insisted that fully cooked egg #1 goes to therapy, he needs to contribute and take over the driving to sessions. Scheduling logistics, financial responsibilities, arranging etc. will continue to stay with me as is. Ex only has to do the driving.

At the first drive we ran into problems with endless bitching ( Read more... )

Re-read my last few entries, and oh yikes! Shit ton of bitchness! Positivity be damned! I got this strong impression of a bitter person with hard lines on the face, and murderous look in her eyes. I felt the urge to run to the mirror and stare at my own face. Thankfully it was my usual goofball look that stared back at me. I also saw that I need to ( Read more... )

Yesterday I blog about regular lack of honesty and straightforwardness from you to me. Today I am searching through my old messages looking for a creative contact I needed for my business. First message suggested by Fuckbook is our conversation all the way back from Gd knows when. And what is it about? That's right, it is about honesty.

But really, ( Read more... )

Sometimes when I reflect on our dynamic, I feel nothing but the hot burn of being mad. I am mad that the sincerity, depth, and realness of my feelings were regularly downplayed as if I am a child who can't speak for myself and lacks the words to explain herself.

The highlight of it all is that at every single pivotal moment during us knowing each ( Read more... )

I played reverse scene in my head. Instead of me asking "Do you miss me?" it was you asking me "Do you miss me?"

The answer surprised me. I don't know if I miss you. I actually don't know you. I can't say I miss our talks. Re-reading the old ones make up for it.

I miss me. Within the realm of us interacting I was one of the better versions of myself ( Read more... )