My life is like a house of cards
Everything with Dave is great, thank God, but most of everything else sucks. Cuz thats just how it works.
So, about a week ago I got a letter from Social Security about my SSI and they said they sent me some letter telling me about some appointment that I had, and that I missed the appointment. And because I missed the appointment that if they didnt hear from me in 10 days they're going to stop my SSI and medical coverage. The thing is, I never recieved a letter telling me I had any appointment. Neither did my mom. So, Ive been calling and calling my case manager at Social Security about this, because the last thing I need right now is to stop getting my money and medical coverage, and every time Ive called I got her voice mail. So what am I supposed to do? Dave said that because I havent heard from her he's going to take me over to the office on Monday, but I really hope it doesnt come to that, because I wouldnt feel comfortable going there without my mom, which brings me to the next thing.
My mom hasnt had her medication, including her psych meds, for weeks now. She has been freaking out and blowing things way out of porportion ever since she hasnt had her meds. We've been getting into fights practically every day, and if its not her and me its me and my sister and my mom always takes my sisters side and then it becomes me vs my mom and sister. Like tonight.
Tonight we all got into such a fight that I almost beat the shit out of my sister, and I probably would have hit my mom too. Cant say Id be proud of that, but its really like Im not in control when I just hit "that point", and I lose it. I havent been "there" in a while, which is good, but with each fight the brick walls Ive built around that part of me that loses control breaks down, brick by brick. Tonight the walls nearly fell.
It was such a stupid thing. I dont even feel like writing the whole thing right now. But, to be completely honest, it was about 75% my sisters fault, 10% my moms, and about 5% mine. Seriously.
Long story short, I asked my sister if she stepped on a blanket I had in our extra room, and she said yes, so I said that that means I had to wash it, which I didnt want to do. She then tells me that Dave isnt coming over this weekend (I was washing the blanket for him), and I tell her that yes he is. She says that "Mommy said hes not." and I said "Uh, no, she didnt." and pretty much all Hell broke loose from there.
Through out the entire fight I just kept telling my sister to mind her own business and she wouldnt shut the fuck up. She kept saying things about how she doesnt want Dave here because she doesnt like him and how shes not comfortable with him being in the house, basically stuff I said to my mom (not nearly the way she said it, here's a little paraphrasing "I dont want him in my fucking house! I fucking hate him and Andrew and I want to be able to walk around my fucking house comfortably and to be able to take a fucking shower and walk from the bathroom to my room in my robe without having to get dressed in the fucking bathroom!" among other things.) but I soon got over it, and Dave isnt over the house every day like her boyfriend was/is.
Its also not like Dave and I spent the day here either. We're out practically all day, we come home late, go in the spare room I have sorta set up for company, fool around a bit, and go to sleep. Then we wake up some time later in the afternoon the next day, and repeat the same process. And the most he's ever here is three days in a row, and he only sleeps over twice.
So between my mom calling me a fag the other night, both she and my sister always telling me Im a heartless monster, and my sister calling me a fag tonight, I was pretty close to kicking some ass. I kept my cool though, and I just told her to shut the fuck up or Im going to kill her in her sleep. And idle threat, mind you. She knew it was, but she then got even more riled up (because she cant shut her fucking mouth. Ever.) and started screaming about how shes calling the police because I just threatened her. She storms out of the room and my mom is screaming at me about how I cant keep my mouth shut and "Look at what you just did, you stupid fuck." and I say to my mom in a calm voice: "Cant you see that you havent been "normal" since you havent had your medicines? I dont know what her problem is, but she is over reacting, as usual. Why is it that everything is always my fault and that Im "such a monster"?" and my mom ignores me.
She goes into my sisters room to see who she is on the phone with. She called her boyfriend and woke him up to bitch about me, and honestly, the way she was sounding, he must have thought quite a few things. Like "My God, shut the fuck up!" for starters. Not to mention "I hate your asshole brother for pissing you off, because now you woke me up to bitch." and "Jesus Christ, I hope her hormones arent freaking out or something.*"
I go into the laundry room to put the aforementioned blanket in the wash, and my mom comes over and screams at me some more. I tell her, calmly again, that I cant take this anymore and that if she doesnt shut up and leave me be Im going to take the soap that I had in my hand and was pouring into the washer and throw it at her. She screamed again, and I snapped a little, and threw the soap at her. It went in her face, all over her shirt, in her hair, and possibly in her mouth. This is where I admit to being slightly evil and say that that moment actually made me laugh in my head. But, keep in mind that I could have done a lot worse (like grab her by the hair and slam her head into the door jam. But I wouldnt do that, because Im a (mostly) civilized human being (type thing).
She then screamed at cursed at me, threatened me with "telling your father about this", and went to clean off the soap. At least it got her off my back.
And this is just the consise version, there was a lot more screaming than that, including my sister calling me a fag, and both of them saying something about me being gay that I couldnt quite hear because I was in the other room and their door was shut.
I come into my room and I call Dave, because Im freaking out and Im about ready to take the fastest shower I could possibly take and walk to his house in the dark (he's an hour away) and have him meet me somewhere, anywhere. He doesnt pick up the phone.
Meanwhile, hes always telling me that if I ever need him for anything, if I ever need to talk to him at any time, 5pm or 5am, it doesnt matter, I could always call him and he'll always be there for me. I call a bunch more times, each time leaving a message saying how I need him and Im freaking out. Eventually around the 7th or so call I give up, and I send him a text message telling him to pick up his fucking phone. I make myself something to eat, wait 20 minutes or so, call again, and still no answer. I then leave a message saying something like "Thanks for being there. Thanks a lot."
I hang up the phone, eat my food, and I play video games (mind wasnt working properly to read or do much of anything else) hoping that he'll call me back, soon. He doesnt.
Cut to about four hours later, its now 3:30am, and I call him again to tell him that Ive been having a panic attack that wouldnt go away and that I cant take it anymore and Im going to sleep. I was hoping to get his voice mail like I did the other times, but he actually picked up. For a second I considered hanging up, I was shocked he was awake. I then started to talk to him, said I was surprised he picked up, and explained to him what happened. About an hour later of me crying and bitching and wishing I could move out and saying how I hate my life and that anytime anything good happens something bad has to fuck it up, (with him consoling me the whole time), we say good night.
So, if I go to sleep within the next 20 minutes, I'll get 7 and a half measly house of sleep. Thank God for Red Bull. Dave told me that even if he isnt allowed over he'll still come get me and we can go out and spend the night at a friends of his' house. Not really something I want to do, but if I have to, so be it. I mean, there's an extra room with a clean bed and bathroom, so at least its not like we'll have to sleep on the floor or in his car or something. 'Course his mom wouldnt let me stay there the night, because shes a cunt.
Then I come to my computer, and I just happen to read Beths LJ. Beth and I arent friends anymore. She's got her reasons, Ive got mine, and Im fine with it all. I knew it was coming, and honestly, I should have said something sooner. She just wasnt the "great friend" that she used to be when we first met, and she was upset that I didnt constantly ask her about her brother who was having brain surgery. Sorry Beth, Ive got more important things on my mind. Like the fact that my mom has breast cancer (and Beth didnt even say anything consoling when I told her about it), and how I need to find somewhere else to live, and how there's all this fighting going on, and how we're running out of money. The fact that some kid that I dont even know having brain surgery isnt exactly on the top list of my worries. Who dies more from which: Brain surgery or breast cancer? I cant say I know a lot about brain surgery, and granted it is brain surgery but give me a fricken break here. Breast cancer is (I think) the number two killer in women, and Im sorry if Im a bit more concerned about my own mother than her brother. That was her big breaking point with me. Mine with her? The fact that she made promises and didnt keep them. The fact that she treated me like I was a third wheel. The fact that she used her having to drive to pick me up against me in any time we had a conflict. The fact that she didnt call me, didnt return my calls, didnt pick up when I called. Among other things.
So, thats pretty much over. But the thing is: I just read on her journal about how she thinks its funny and ironic that she just ended the friendship with me, because shes moving RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM ME.
That actually is pretty funny, though. Now only if she moved there before our friendship ended, she wouldnt have to bitch about me living so far away and her having to drive "all the way down here" to get me, and we could have actually hung out more than, oh, once every two months.
God, I just hope I dont run into her at the grocery store or Wal*Mart or anything. I have no grudges against her. No feelings of ill will. But still, awkward much?
Ah well, like Ive said before and Im sure I'll say again: All relationships (of all kinds) have expiration dates. Each person that comes into our lives, or we go into theirs, plays a role. I suppose that when that role is played out, the people part their ways, and that is that. If fate deems that they cross paths again, well, I suppose they just have to take it from there and play it by ear.
But, Im hoping (cant say know for sure, because I thought I "knew for sure" after a few months of knowing Beth) that Dave will be in my life for a very long time, because in all honesty, he is the best thing Ive got going for me right now.
I do know that Ann will be in my life for many, many more years, even if its just through us talking through emails.
So yay, this is really going to be one hell of a Christmas/Birthday/New Years. Like usual.
And oh shit, I just remembered: My mom said my dad is coming over some time Saturday (today) morning and he's "going to have a talk with me". That should be fun. Anything I say to him he'll take as me being confrontational. So, I figure when he asks me what the fuck my deal is, I'll say this: "Dad, please dont take this as me being confrontational, because Im not; but, what's the use in me saying anything anyway? You have never listened to what I had to say in the past, and you've always sided with Missy on EVERYTHING, so why should I even try and defend myself when I know that you have it in your head already that Im "guilty"? I will say this though: Mommy hasnt had her psych meds in weeks, and shes been totally off her rocker, and I think you know how she is, and how hard she is to deal with, when she's like that."
And, maybe, just maybe, (ok, I really doubt it.) he'll listen to what I have to say after that, and not be the asshole that he (always) is.
So to sum it up for those viewers out there: I may possibly have no money coming in or health insurance by Wednesday or so. Im in desperate need of moving out, though there is no where I can go. My mother, sister, and father hate me, and I hate them just as much. And Beth and I arent friends anymore, and we might even see each other at the local Shop Rite.
And I forgot to mention that I think my mom and sister are now having problems with me being gay and having a boyfriend, because all of this started when I started to date Dave (before they even met him, mind you, so its not his fault at all). Both my mom and my sister have called me a fag, and meant it in a hurtful manner, and that is something I never thought I would hear out of either one of their mouths. And that my mom said Im not to tell my brother, my grandfather, my dad, or my uncle about Dave and how he is my boyfriend.
But hey, at least I have Dave, right? ...Right...?