Ranting again...
I was going to write about the past week in Whitby, but now you get this instead...
This is another rant and musings about random stuff.... the ranting part will be under a cut somewhere so you don't have to read. It just feels nice to be able to get everything out in text form, even if I'm not talking to anyone in particular here.
Okay, first off. Where do people get off telling me that I'm selfish? I'm not selfish, I'll do anything for anyone if I can, but there's only so far I can go. I mean yes I wanted to see the baby today, and yes I wanted to go to the hospital with mum to the clinic thing, and I wanted to see if my nana is still there and find out what's going on with her. But come on. I haven't slept properly in a week, and I woke up in a cold sweat again last night even though I was in my own bed for the first time in a week. So I'm grouchy, very grouchy, yeah. And what I don't want to hear when I'm in this sleep-deprived bad mood is that I don't care about my family. From a MEMBER of my family. My response? "F*ck you and get away from me".
I haven't missed going to the hospital since all this shit started two months ago, except one time when I was sick. (Obviously can't go to a hospital when you're throwing up, but whatever). So they've gone by themselves today. Maybe they'll learn that I don't always have to be there to push the wheelchair and sort things out just because I am the "next of kin" on mum AND grandma's papers. I'm only older by 13 minutes, doesn't make it any easier on me. *rollseyes*
To me, being written down as next of kin for two people on hospital forms just means extra responsibility and stress. I can deal with that, yes. I like having responsibility, but when it's for something serious like cancer, it rings some alarm bells. And yes I'm panicking, which no-one seems to understand. For me, next of kin = the person who has to deal with the hard parts (like it's not hard enough already). Such as being phoned to go to meetings in the hospital, and I'm not even going to think about worse things I might have to help with or do by myself. I feel guilty enough because I couldn't go to the hospital on monday to go to a meeting about my grandma's situation, where she's going to go after being in hospital, etc. I needed to be there and I failed. Again. Because I suck and I fail at everything, and I can't even be trusted, apparently.
And then I get yelled at for not being the laid-back one anymore. Do you really, honestly expect me to be calm through this? Do you expect me to be like a "robot with a heart of stone" like you thought I was? And do you think I don't worry myself sick about all this shit every day, while you're saying that I don't understand how serious this is? I'm NOT stupid, but cancer doesn't only affect those who have it. Mum's had enough problems over the past few years since my asshole of a "dad" left us. Grandma's been through it before, 45 years ago. She doesn't need this now. There's been divorce, death, and moving house since I was 12. And now this. If there is a god, he must f*cking hate my family.
And on a lighter note... WTF, Dracula The Undead? Bathory's the ONLY antagonist? Whut? Dracula should not be a good guy D:
This is another rant and musings about random stuff.... the ranting part will be under a cut somewhere so you don't have to read. It just feels nice to be able to get everything out in text form, even if I'm not talking to anyone in particular here.
Okay, first off. Where do people get off telling me that I'm selfish? I'm not selfish, I'll do anything for anyone if I can, but there's only so far I can go. I mean yes I wanted to see the baby today, and yes I wanted to go to the hospital with mum to the clinic thing, and I wanted to see if my nana is still there and find out what's going on with her. But come on. I haven't slept properly in a week, and I woke up in a cold sweat again last night even though I was in my own bed for the first time in a week. So I'm grouchy, very grouchy, yeah. And what I don't want to hear when I'm in this sleep-deprived bad mood is that I don't care about my family. From a MEMBER of my family. My response? "F*ck you and get away from me".
I haven't missed going to the hospital since all this shit started two months ago, except one time when I was sick. (Obviously can't go to a hospital when you're throwing up, but whatever). So they've gone by themselves today. Maybe they'll learn that I don't always have to be there to push the wheelchair and sort things out just because I am the "next of kin" on mum AND grandma's papers. I'm only older by 13 minutes, doesn't make it any easier on me. *rollseyes*
To me, being written down as next of kin for two people on hospital forms just means extra responsibility and stress. I can deal with that, yes. I like having responsibility, but when it's for something serious like cancer, it rings some alarm bells. And yes I'm panicking, which no-one seems to understand. For me, next of kin = the person who has to deal with the hard parts (like it's not hard enough already). Such as being phoned to go to meetings in the hospital, and I'm not even going to think about worse things I might have to help with or do by myself. I feel guilty enough because I couldn't go to the hospital on monday to go to a meeting about my grandma's situation, where she's going to go after being in hospital, etc. I needed to be there and I failed. Again. Because I suck and I fail at everything, and I can't even be trusted, apparently.
And then I get yelled at for not being the laid-back one anymore. Do you really, honestly expect me to be calm through this? Do you expect me to be like a "robot with a heart of stone" like you thought I was? And do you think I don't worry myself sick about all this shit every day, while you're saying that I don't understand how serious this is? I'm NOT stupid, but cancer doesn't only affect those who have it. Mum's had enough problems over the past few years since my asshole of a "dad" left us. Grandma's been through it before, 45 years ago. She doesn't need this now. There's been divorce, death, and moving house since I was 12. And now this. If there is a god, he must f*cking hate my family.
And on a lighter note... WTF, Dracula The Undead? Bathory's the ONLY antagonist? Whut? Dracula should not be a good guy D: