it's been a cold september.
jaejoong arrives at your door two years later, without warning and without invitation. of all the things he's done, you'd like to think this is the most unacceptable. he looks older, like he's finally developed that ruggedness that he never had back then. until he smiles. it brings you back to the day he left, there's that same excitement, shining in his eyes and threatening to spill over. for a second you're scared that this is another one of those dreams, those nightmares that you can't tell your buddies about. but this time you aren't smiling, you aren't waving goodbye. no, this time you stand there, still in shock as he hugs you tight, like he's never going to let go, just like back then. you want to ask him why he left, why he didn't choose you. was the world so much more amazing than you were? instead you ending up asking him if he's hungry, if he wants take-out, because you still have not really learned how to cook yet, at least not well enough to show off.
he says he'll make something since he's back and you're the one offering housing.
you didn't offer housing.
jaejoong makes himself at home in your kitchen, finding pots you forgot you owned. the sight and sound of it all already makes you feel nostalgic.
"i'll get your room ready," you say, and you get up to go before he can welcome himself to anything else. your toothpaste. your bed. your heart.
//
dinner is a one sided conversation. you know he notices though, because he starts rambling, growing uncomfortable with the silence.
"dinner was good," you offer.
there's a pregnant pause between you two.
"there's only one road i've ever memorized."
"the one to my door?"
"the one to your heart."
"who taught you how to say corny things like that? it's not like you."
"it's not corny when it's true."
you look up from your bowl of cereal. "hyung, please. it's been so long."
"i came back."
"i know, i can see," you retort almost bitterly.
"i came back for you."
"you can't just expect things to be where you left them," you mumble and almost immediately feel guilty about it.
"you were here."
"that's not what i mean."
"i know, i know." the way he laughs surprises you. "i'm just teasing you."
you huff, not liking the feeling of being played with. "are you done with your bowl?" you grab his bowl before he answers, bringing it over to the sink with yours to wash. you leave the water running, filling the silence. when you turn around he's staring, spoon in his mouth. "what?"
after a long pause, he says, "you do the dishes now."
//
there's a rattling at your door, whispering that pretends it doesn't want to wake you up. there's no ignoring jaejoong, that much you knew and still know. he pads over so quietly that you don't even notice that he's next to your bed by the time you've turned on your back. "hyung?"
"my room's cold," he says, hugging his pillow and waiting at your bedside.
"okay," you sigh and sit up just can't bring yourself to be outright rude or mean. you don't hate him, and he's your hyung for god's sake. you grab your pillow, getting up. "you can have my bed."
"but--"
"it's fine," you cut him off without meaning to. "it's fine. you," you pause, motioning him towards your bed, "just take my bed."
he sits and obeys, eyeing you in a way that makes you think of a puppy dog.
"i'll be fine," you whisper, more to yourself than to jaejoong. "i'll be next door if you need anything," you say before closing the door behind you.
//
"it's just too lonely all by myself," he explains as you blow up the air mattress, stepping on the pump impatiently and wishing you had spent the extra cash to buy the automatic one. when the job's done you get a big hug and a thank you whispered against your neck. you hesitate before you pat his back, offering a smile. "you're welcome. now get a good night's sleep."
you plug in your music, trying to drown out the nerves you feel with jaejoong in the room. your cell phone vibrates next to your pillow a few hours later. it's a text message from jaejoong: nothing. just wanted your phone to vibrate.
why are you still up?
feel lonely
you decide not to answer, not wanting to dig yourself deeper into this hole (although you can't exactly say you're not far in now).
share the bed :((((? :(? :(?
you huff, pulling your earphones out and setting everything to the side. "hurry up and get in."
jaejoong practically jumps into bed, almost crushing your leg.
"dangerous," you groan, pulling your leg out from under his.
"i'm sorry," he apologizes and holds you tight, throwing his leg back over yours.
"hyung."
"said i'm sorry."
you inhale deeply. "please, stop."
he just holds onto you tighter. "we can't cuddle?" he asks, calm and quiet, so unlike the him you're used to.
//
"you have no idea what it feels like to wonder if you're the destiny i'm missing out on."
when you look over, jaejoong is swinging his half of the grocery bags and taking extra wide steps to avoid the sidewalk cracks, acting like he hasn't said anything at all.
"no such thing as destiny."
"i know. i know."
"are your bags too heavy?"
he makes you laugh when he slouches immediately, dramatically. "yeah. don't know why you need all of this?"
"what else are you going to cook?"
"i'm staying?"
"you can leave when all the food is gone," you say quietly, making no promises.
it's one of those days where the walk home feels way too short.
he says he'll make something since he's back and you're the one offering housing.
you didn't offer housing.
jaejoong makes himself at home in your kitchen, finding pots you forgot you owned. the sight and sound of it all already makes you feel nostalgic.
"i'll get your room ready," you say, and you get up to go before he can welcome himself to anything else. your toothpaste. your bed. your heart.
//
dinner is a one sided conversation. you know he notices though, because he starts rambling, growing uncomfortable with the silence.
"dinner was good," you offer.
there's a pregnant pause between you two.
"there's only one road i've ever memorized."
"the one to my door?"
"the one to your heart."
"who taught you how to say corny things like that? it's not like you."
"it's not corny when it's true."
you look up from your bowl of cereal. "hyung, please. it's been so long."
"i came back."
"i know, i can see," you retort almost bitterly.
"i came back for you."
"you can't just expect things to be where you left them," you mumble and almost immediately feel guilty about it.
"you were here."
"that's not what i mean."
"i know, i know." the way he laughs surprises you. "i'm just teasing you."
you huff, not liking the feeling of being played with. "are you done with your bowl?" you grab his bowl before he answers, bringing it over to the sink with yours to wash. you leave the water running, filling the silence. when you turn around he's staring, spoon in his mouth. "what?"
after a long pause, he says, "you do the dishes now."
//
there's a rattling at your door, whispering that pretends it doesn't want to wake you up. there's no ignoring jaejoong, that much you knew and still know. he pads over so quietly that you don't even notice that he's next to your bed by the time you've turned on your back. "hyung?"
"my room's cold," he says, hugging his pillow and waiting at your bedside.
"okay," you sigh and sit up just can't bring yourself to be outright rude or mean. you don't hate him, and he's your hyung for god's sake. you grab your pillow, getting up. "you can have my bed."
"but--"
"it's fine," you cut him off without meaning to. "it's fine. you," you pause, motioning him towards your bed, "just take my bed."
he sits and obeys, eyeing you in a way that makes you think of a puppy dog.
"i'll be fine," you whisper, more to yourself than to jaejoong. "i'll be next door if you need anything," you say before closing the door behind you.
//
"it's just too lonely all by myself," he explains as you blow up the air mattress, stepping on the pump impatiently and wishing you had spent the extra cash to buy the automatic one. when the job's done you get a big hug and a thank you whispered against your neck. you hesitate before you pat his back, offering a smile. "you're welcome. now get a good night's sleep."
you plug in your music, trying to drown out the nerves you feel with jaejoong in the room. your cell phone vibrates next to your pillow a few hours later. it's a text message from jaejoong: nothing. just wanted your phone to vibrate.
why are you still up?
feel lonely
you decide not to answer, not wanting to dig yourself deeper into this hole (although you can't exactly say you're not far in now).
share the bed :((((? :(? :(?
you huff, pulling your earphones out and setting everything to the side. "hurry up and get in."
jaejoong practically jumps into bed, almost crushing your leg.
"dangerous," you groan, pulling your leg out from under his.
"i'm sorry," he apologizes and holds you tight, throwing his leg back over yours.
"hyung."
"said i'm sorry."
you inhale deeply. "please, stop."
he just holds onto you tighter. "we can't cuddle?" he asks, calm and quiet, so unlike the him you're used to.
//
"you have no idea what it feels like to wonder if you're the destiny i'm missing out on."
when you look over, jaejoong is swinging his half of the grocery bags and taking extra wide steps to avoid the sidewalk cracks, acting like he hasn't said anything at all.
"no such thing as destiny."
"i know. i know."
"are your bags too heavy?"
he makes you laugh when he slouches immediately, dramatically. "yeah. don't know why you need all of this?"
"what else are you going to cook?"
"i'm staying?"
"you can leave when all the food is gone," you say quietly, making no promises.
it's one of those days where the walk home feels way too short.