i still haven't woken up from this bad dream...
i've spent the last few days crying pretty much 90% of the time.
this includes at work, if they don't like it they can fuck off.
josh doesn't love me, and i can't stop loving him.
i feel like i've had my heart ripped out.
he's so cold to me, it makes me feel sick.
last night the amazing duo of kris and erin came to give me hugs and love, they also took me to the apartment (aka my house that's not my house anymore) to get my clothes and a few things.
i'm at my mom's house. back in my old room.
i feel like i've taken ten steps backwards.
my eyes and my chest hurt, i can't tell how much of it is from the smoke and how much is from this ache inside of me.
i can't belive he acted like he loved me, for so long. like everything was okay.
and now.. he's done acting?
and i'm completely broken.
i miss MY boy do much, and he's NOT MINE anymore.
i left the things i'd gotten him for christmas on his chair last night, they were so personally for him that i couldn't give them to anyone else.
i have more stuff that i guess i'll return.
he asked me to move in with him.
to be a part of his life.
our lifes were like one.
and he doesn't want me anymore. he doesn't love me.
he doesn't want to touch me or hold me or see me.
and i don't know what to do.
it hurts SO bad.
thank you to all the comments you guys left me on my last post, my computer is still at the apartment, so i'm on my mom's right now.. but seeing all that encouragement made me smile, even if it was through tears.
i just want to feel safe, and like things are real again. but i feel so lost. and broken. and confused.
it's as if i'm stuck in an awful awful dream...
he told me he loved me.
he told me over and over again, and i believed him.
i let myself put all my guards down, i gave him everything i had, and love him more than i've EVER loved any boy before.
i gave up friendships, changed my priorities, gave him my ALL.
and it wasn't enough.
he said i didn't do anything wrong. but that doesn't make any sense. i wish i had done something wrong, so i could at least blame myself.
he called my mom even, to tell her that i didn't do anything wrong, that it was all him.
his issues, his problems... whatever.
none of that matters to me.
i had my boy, i had my house, i had my life.
i tried my best. i gave it everything i had.
i gave him my heart, unconditionally. and it's ALL gone.
just because he DOESN'T WANT TO TRY.
i don't know how to move past this.
this includes at work, if they don't like it they can fuck off.
josh doesn't love me, and i can't stop loving him.
i feel like i've had my heart ripped out.
he's so cold to me, it makes me feel sick.
last night the amazing duo of kris and erin came to give me hugs and love, they also took me to the apartment (aka my house that's not my house anymore) to get my clothes and a few things.
i'm at my mom's house. back in my old room.
i feel like i've taken ten steps backwards.
my eyes and my chest hurt, i can't tell how much of it is from the smoke and how much is from this ache inside of me.
i can't belive he acted like he loved me, for so long. like everything was okay.
and now.. he's done acting?
and i'm completely broken.
i miss MY boy do much, and he's NOT MINE anymore.
i left the things i'd gotten him for christmas on his chair last night, they were so personally for him that i couldn't give them to anyone else.
i have more stuff that i guess i'll return.
he asked me to move in with him.
to be a part of his life.
our lifes were like one.
and he doesn't want me anymore. he doesn't love me.
he doesn't want to touch me or hold me or see me.
and i don't know what to do.
it hurts SO bad.
thank you to all the comments you guys left me on my last post, my computer is still at the apartment, so i'm on my mom's right now.. but seeing all that encouragement made me smile, even if it was through tears.
i just want to feel safe, and like things are real again. but i feel so lost. and broken. and confused.
it's as if i'm stuck in an awful awful dream...
he told me he loved me.
he told me over and over again, and i believed him.
i let myself put all my guards down, i gave him everything i had, and love him more than i've EVER loved any boy before.
i gave up friendships, changed my priorities, gave him my ALL.
and it wasn't enough.
he said i didn't do anything wrong. but that doesn't make any sense. i wish i had done something wrong, so i could at least blame myself.
he called my mom even, to tell her that i didn't do anything wrong, that it was all him.
his issues, his problems... whatever.
none of that matters to me.
i had my boy, i had my house, i had my life.
i tried my best. i gave it everything i had.
i gave him my heart, unconditionally. and it's ALL gone.
just because he DOESN'T WANT TO TRY.
i don't know how to move past this.