(no subject)
It's... so strange, but I find... I find that I actually miss him. It's as if my constant has vanished, and now I find so much that is happening here, and my ability to stabilize under is is faltering.
The constant that he's... here. The constant that he is always somewhere nearby, even if it's meaning to kill me, to tarnish me, to violate me, or go about performing any whim in his head to me or against me... is.. oddly a stable leg for me.
Maybe I'm more sick in the head than I presumed before.
I fell in love with Natsuo.
I hurt Kamui countless times now.
I've allowed my other acquaintances here to befall things without raising a finger of help.
I'm too... frightened, internally, of Kamui hating me to go and retrieve him from Fuuma because I know better than to believe he's changed at all, because I know that guise. I know that... bastard's game from HIS game. No matter how much I try to boast confidence for Kamui's sake, though...
Somehow... I can't let it stabilize in my chest, instead I've developed a rather nervous chain smoking, habitually lighting one every time my head tells me to.
Something is missing.
That I know... I still love him and am in need of his.... damn presence... it almost frightens me.
But... I do miss him.
I miss Seishirou.
I'm going for a walk again. It helped before.