Lost and Found - Part Four
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Jim excused himself to his room to check on Amiga after the doctor arrived. I watched him go, and ignored the pang I felt when the door closed. For a doctor, the man who came in was younger than I expected. He introduced himself as Dr. Cortez, with only the slightest trace of an accent. After that brief acknowledgment of pleasantries, he helped me over to the bed and conducted a thorough, but thankfully quick, exam. While he did what he needed to do, I concentrated on the old fashioned medical bag he’d brought with him and set beside the bed. It was beautifully made, and I tried to identify the stitch pattern, as he poked and prodded all the various tender places on my recently abused frame. He noted when I winced, but didn’t seem overly concerned. When he was done, he folded his stethoscope back into his bag and motioned that I should stay in the bed.
“You are a very lucky man, Mr. Sandburg. I believe you are correct in your assertion that you do not need a hospital. You injuries, while painful and awkward,” he indicated my knee, “do not show any signs of life threatening complications. I will second your request to keep out of the hospital,” he continued. “But I will do so only if you agree to certain conditions.”
I nodded, careful not to jar my head too much. At this point, I’d agree to nearly anything, if it meant I didn’t have to be around a bunch of sick people. Sure, I hadn’t been overwhelmed by the people at the resort yet, but that could be because rescue personnel and staff were pleased at the good outcome. Put me around a bunch of unhappy people who suffered from any number of problems, and I would be back on the emotional rollercoaster in no time, I just knew it.
With slight smile, for my quick agreement, no doubt, the doctor ticked off his points. “You must promise me that you will take the time to rest and recuperate. I was told you were on your way to an anthropological field expedition. You cannot go and tromp around a wilderness in your condition, not unless you take a few days in hospital to be sure you won’t further damage yourself.”
For a moment, disappointment warred with practicality, but he was right and I had expected as much anyway. “All right,” I agreed.
“Good, you are a sensible man, I like that in my patients,” Dr. Cortez told me. “I must also insist you promise to go to an emergency room if you begin to feel much worse than you do now, or if you experience any of the list of symptoms I will leave you. And you must also have a follow up appointment with a physician in Cascade. So many people have a vested interest in your safety now, not only the gentleman who was with you when I came in. It would be a shame if something happened to you after all of this, simply due to an oversight.
“I can do that.” I accepted the conditions. After he made sure I was warm enough in the bed, since I hadn’t bothered to get dressed when he was done with me, the doctor wrote out a list of warning signs to watch for, and another sheet he told me were general aftercare instructions. After he took about half a dozen painkillers from his bag and wrote me a prescription for more, if I needed them later, I thanked him for his time, and tried to ask about payment, but he wouldn’t hear of it. After he gave me his best wishes for a speedy recovery, he grabbed his bag and was out the door so fast, I wondered what, or who, I had pulled him away from.
The door to the room had barely closed when the connecting door opened and Jim stepped back through it. I smiled at him, and waited until he perched on the edge of the bed. “I don’t have to go to the hospital,” I told him.
“That’s great,” Jim told me. “I hate those places myself.” We shared a look of mutual agreement, and then I caught him up on the doctor’s report he’d missed. When I was finished, he was obviously pleased, but when he tried to ask me a question, I yawned in his face.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, or tried to, since another yawn interrupted me.
“Don’t worry about it,” Jim waved my apology off, as he adjusted my blankets. “You’ve had a rough time, and I should let you get some sleep.” He stood to leave, and had moved to the door before I found my voice.
“Wait. I know I’m not in need of body heat anymore, and I’m not sure how you feel about sharing blankets with someone in an actual bed, but I don’t think I’m ready to be alone yet. Could you stay with me? I mean, I know you’ve gotta be tired too, but this bed is ginormous. There’s plenty of room.” I could hear the plea in my voice, but I couldn’t stop it. It was true, I didn’t want to be alone. I also wasn’t quite ready to let him out of my sight yet.
Jim paused, but didn’t turn to face me and I thought maybe he would find a way to let me down easy and make his escape. When he opened the connecting door, I thought my fears were confirmed. Instead of leaving, he called out to Amiga, who padded into my room and walked over to the bed to nose at my side. Her warm brown eyes looked up at me for a moment, and then she licked my hand once and settled on the floor at the foot of the bed.
“See, even Amiga knows we should be resting,” I exclaimed, happy to see that my new furry friend seemed none the worse for wear for her trek. Tired as I was, I made a mental note. I owed her a steak or a bone or something.
Once she settled on the floor, Amiga looked at Jim and then at the bed, and I had to laugh. Apparently, she was more than capable of making her wishes known. He paused to toe off his shoes and addressed his partner before he came back to the bed. “All right, all right. I’m going. There’s no need for you to be bossy.” Her only response was to lay her head down on her front paws and close her eyes.
“I guess she told you,” I couldn’t help but comment.
“Nothing new about that,” Jim told me, as he turned off the light and pulled the drapes. A quick detour to the bathroom and he came back with a glass of water he explained was to take pain killers if I needed them. I declined the pills and had to swallow my disappointment instead, when he climbed into the bed still wearing his jeans and a T-shirt. He had no reason to take off his clothes. I knew that. Once the blankets were arranged to his satisfaction, he turned to me.
“Comfortable?” He was so close I could feel his faintly coffee scented breath against my neck. There was enough light still spilling in through the curtains that I could see him in the dimness. I shook my head no before I even thought about it. He didn’t ask me how he could help. There was a pause, just long enough to make my heart pound and then he gathered me against him, and shifted us both until I was more on him than the mattress.
“Better?” he asked. My contented sigh was all the answer he seemed to want. “You know, sleeping with you seems to be turning into a habit,” Jim observed, though he didn’t sound like he minded.
I listened to the sound of his breath, and heard soft snores come from Amiga’s direction. “I can live with that,” I told him.
***
I knew before I opened my eyes that I was alone in the bed. I’d gone to sleep contented, blanketed in the safety of Jim’s presence. The buzz of connection between us was there, but in a background sort of way. I might not have been able to define it, but the absence of it was enough to jar me from sleep whether I liked it or not.
The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was a folded piece of the resort stationary with my name on it. That calmed the nerves that jangled when I realized I was alone, but I didn’t open it right away. Now seemed like a good time to give myself a few reminders. ‘You can measure the total time you’ve known him in hours. Don’t talk yourself into some kind of overdone attachment.’ It all sounded perfectly reasonable. But my hands still shook when I unfolded the note.
Blair,
We got another callout while you were playing Sleeping Beauty. We normally wouldn’t go out again so soon, but the missing person is a four year old girl, so it’s an all hands on deck situation. Believe me, I’d much rather be resting beside you, but duty calls. Take care of that leg. I’ll call as soon as I’m back.
Jim
I wondered how he could call for a minute or two. Then I remembered everything that went with the whole rescue thing, and the procedures Jim had explained to me, while he kept me awake on our way back to civilization. There would have been an info sheet distributed with all of my basic details, and I suppose that included contact information. Besides, unlike Naomi, I hadn’t seen the point to living off the grid in years. It’s more effort than it’s worth. It wasn’t like some covert agency was out to get me, but if they were, I don’t think anything I could do would keep them from me. Besides, I wanted Jim to find me, so the whole situation worked out for the best. Well, except for him gone.
My body protested when I shifted in the bed, but I did my best to ignore the pain along with my disappointment. People have to work, that’s the way life is. It’s not like this was the first time I’d been let down by someone I cared about. I’m pretty sure it was the first time someone let me down before I even had the chance to tell them how I felt, but what the hell. There was a first time for everything.
Flat on my back in a bed that still smelled faintly of whatever herbal soap Jim used wasn’t about to help me miss him less. I threw back the covers to get out of bed. That’s when I noticed another smaller note, propped against a glass of water with two pills next to it on the bedside table. I opened the note, and couldn’t help but smile.
Don’t argue, tough guy, especially since I’m not there to help you.
J
I shook my head and swallowed the pills, even as I chuckled. But since I took them, I guess Jim could count that as a win.
***
I have no explanation except temporary insanity, but I actually considered calling Naomi for a ride. Whoever said you can count on your mom for anything, at any time, had clearly never met mine. I took the sanity saver route and called Melody, a friend and fellow teaching assistant, albeit in a different department. She gets mistaken for a dumb blonde all the time. We’ve been fast friends since the day we had a lively debate on gender roles when we were supposed to oversee a tutorial section that the professor couldn’t make it to. As she tells it, she has no problem with being underestimated, it’s just a nice change to be considered an equal. She didn’t even pause when I asked her to meet me at the cross roads Simon agreed to drive me out to. Oh, she was concerned, I could hear it in her voice, but she didn’t waste time asking questions. Once she had directions where to meet us, she hung up.
Simon, who had little to say, but still seemed pleased with my company, dropped me off at the rest area where she waited. “Stay out of trouble, Sandburg. I don’t want to have to help find you again, you hear?”
“Not a problem,” I assured him. “I’m all for new experiences, but this was definitely a once in a lifetime thing for me.” It was truer than he knew, in more ways than one, but I left that out. I’m not sure he would approve of my rapidly growing obsession with Jim, given how closely they worked together. We exchanged goodbyes, as he helped me into Melody’s car.
We got home in better time than I expected. As usual, Melody expressed her displeasure with my choice of residence, but I shrugged off her concerns. The cavernous warehouse didn’t look like much, but it had the storage space I needed. The landlord wasn’t the most upstanding citizen, but he didn’t care if I roughed in walls, as long as he didn’t have to pay for it. I traded a few days labour from a contractor whose son passed English lit thanks to some tutoring from yours truly. Voila, I still had a big living room, but my bedroom and the bathroom became actual rooms, and the kitchen was separate from a smaller dining area. I couldn’t do much about the lack of light or the drafts, but an eclectic collection of floor lamps and some thick wall tapestries made sure you barely noticed.
I was home for another full day before I was in any shape to wonder why I hadn’t heard from Jim. When the next day didn’t bring a call, I tried not to let it get to me. For all I knew, the search had taken longer than he expected, or perhaps it took longer to recover when you had one search right on top of another that way. When the evening news ran footage of the rescue of little Sara Mae home safe in the arms of her effusively grateful parents, I couldn’t help but search the crowd shots for any signs of Jim’s face.
Oh, I tried to tell myself that there was no reason to get so tangled up. This time, when I gave myself a pep talk, it was a little different. “What the hell did you expect? I demanded, as I stood in front of my bathroom sink, and brushed my hair a bit too vigorously. “It’s not as if a twenty something academic has a hell of a lot to offer a man like him,” I muttered to myself. As I shuffled from the bathroom to the bedroom, I shook my head. Great, the man wasn’t even here and now he had me talking to myself. One kiss, no matter how amazing, and sleeping together, while actually sleeping, no less, was not a basis for a long term relationship. Now that we were apart, it seemed more likely that the connection between us was the work of my overactive imagination. I was no relationship expert, I usually extricated myself before we got to the relationship phase, but even I knew that if someone doesn’t call, they aren’t interested.
There was only one problem with the realization. The man may have conveniently forgotten how to use a phone, but that didn’t change the fact that I missed him. He crept into my thoughts at the most random times, no matter how hard I tried to keep him out. The vague sensation of something missing pressed on me all the time, despite my attempts to distract myself. Even my subconscious betrayed me, dropping me into dreams over everyday moments with Jim that invariably led to scenes where we lost our clothes and did much more than sleep. As I settled in at home, there were small gains. My bruises started to fade, though they turned a sickly yellow and green. The scratches scabbed over, and I could almost take a deep breath. I felt almost human, but I was also back on the emotional rollercoaster. Slightly less intense, and not as overwhelming, yes, but waves of emotion still battered at me no matter where I went. Whatever the reason for the break while I was with Jim, I should have enjoyed it more while I had it.
Despite my dislike of all things medical, I scheduled my follow up at the community medical clinic. When Margie, Eli’s stalwart assistant, called to check how long I would be off, I deflected her motherly concern with my signature casual charm. We made the usual small talk, and I remembered to ask about her newest grandson. The return to routine should have been a comfort, but I was restless and edgy, and living proof of the fact that telling yourself not to care about someone doesn’t change your feelings no matter how much you want it to. Once all the chores I assigned myself were ticked off, I let myself brood. That’s when it hit me. In the excitement of the rescue, I’d never actually said thank you to Jim, just Amiga. Dogs don’t have much use for gratitude, but I wanted to know what was going on, and that was as good a reason as any to find out. I could go say it in person, just as soon as I made a few important stops.
***
There was nothing I could compare the effects of a full blown sensory spike to. I usually got migraines, which are unpleasant enough on their own. There’s the pounding headache, sensitivity to light and noise and stomach churning nausea. Most people can go hide in a dark, quiet room. I don’t have that luxury, because even when my room is dark, the ambient light from the window is enough to stab into my eyes. I turn off anything that could make noise, but I can’t turn off the world, and there’s enough noise from my surroundings to make me pray for temporary deafness.
Amiga knew before I did, as always. She stayed closer to me, and got quieter, and she watched every move I made. It’s kind of like being under a canine microscope. Sometimes, if she stayed plastered to my side and I stayed away from as much of the stimuli as I could, it didn’t last for as long. Other times, like today, I’m not as lucky. Things always got worse when I’m tired or stressed. One search on top of another was a recipe for both. The brief time I spent with Blair made me forget to hold on to what control I normally have. Everything calmed down so much, I felt closer to normal than I had in a long time. I didn’t mean to let anything slip, only to relax. I guess I forgot how to do one without the other.
Come morning of the second day of the current flare up, I tried to eat. Boy, was that a mistake. I made sure the eggs were bland, but I added salt because normally, that isn’t a problem. But the bare sprinkle I added might have well have been a bucketful. I spit them out, but it was too late. I gagged, and barely made it to the sink before the few mouthfuls I managed made a return appearance. When there was nothing left, the nausea didn’t go away, but it backed off enough that I could make it to the couch.
With my arm over my head to block out the light, and Amiga on my feet to keep her usual close watch on me, I was as close to comfortable as it was going to get. Experience told me that the only thing that could make me feel better was time. Whatever made everything go wonky would pass, it always did. It would only feel like an eternity from the inside. I must have dozed, because the next thing I knew, I heard a knock at the door, and Amiga whined from beside me. When I didn’t respond, she nudged me, and whined again. I wanted to roll over and ignore her, but clearly she wasn’t having any of that.
With an effort, I staggered to the door. I thought it would be some lost traveller. Instead, it was Blair; windblown hair, wide smile, and all. I blinked, uncertain for a moment if he was actually there, or if this was product of a random couch nap, wishful thinking, or a cruel new trick from my vision.
His smile didn’t falter, but he did clear his throat, and rocked back on his heels. “Uh, Jim, this is the part where you’re supposed to invite me in, man.” He all but vibrated with barely restrained energy, and I wondered briefly if this was the more normal Blair or not.
I opened the door and gestured him in. Every movement felt sluggish, and I wasn’t entirely certain which way was up, so when I closed the door, I leaned heavily against the wall, not sure where to find the energy to make conversation, even with someone I was so glad to see. I turned around, slow and careful, since I hoped to stay standing, and looked at my unexpected guest. That’s when I noticed the basket. It was so big, you’d think I would have noticed it earlier, but all things considered, I could only blink again.
For his part, Blair looked around the cabin, then his gaze came back to me. When he saw what I was looking at, his grin turned a little sheepish. “I realized I never thanked you properly before. I meant to, but with everything that happened, it slipped my mind. And you didn’t call, but I really wanted to do this in person, properly. There’s steak for you, under the rawhide bones,” he explained. “And I won’t even tell if you share your steak.”
We moved out of the entryway, and I smiled. It felt strange to have anything to smile about, given how many things my body had to protest, but I couldn’t help it. “You don’t have to thank me. I’m just glad you’re okay,” I told him. As I talked, my vision wavered so much, it felt like swimming again. I begged my body, and my senses to behave and approximate normal. As usual, they completely ignored me.
Whatever Blair intended to say, I couldn’t hear it. His lips moved, but all I heard was the pulse of my blood in my ears. I must have lost a few minutes. I had no recollection of it, but then I was on the couch, with Blair seated beside me, and Amiga at my feet, even though she looked like she would prefer to be on my lap.
“Jim, you look terrible,” Blair told me, his hand against my bare arm, below the sleeve of my T-shirt. “What happened? Some kind of flu or something?” The question was gentle, and even gave me an out.
The worst of the current symptoms backed off as he touched me, so I could have managed the lie. But as I resisted the urge to put my head between my knees, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I could tell him what was really going on, and he would believe me. Try as I might, there was still a large part of me that also wanted to believe he wouldn’t think I was a freak, or worse.
“Okay, the pause here is telling me I’m off base,” Blair told me. “What’s going on?” He didn’t get pushy. He didn’t demand, but he didn’t have to. I managed that on my own. I wanted to tell him so badly, the words all but tumbled out. Habit, and if I was honest, a healthy dose of fear, clenched my teeth. Experience had taught me long ago that the truth about my senses caused nothing but problems. Hell, I was still halfway convinced the problems I had as a kid were the real reason my mom left. And I knew they helped shove Carolyn out the door. And she married me of her own free will, despite what she might have to say about it now.
The silence lengthened, but Blair only kept his eyes on me and waited patiently. He wasn’t still, but that seemed more and more normal for him. One hand rubbed my arm, the other patted the couch in an attempt to entice Amiga closer.
We might have sat there indefinitely, but Amiga had other ideas. She looked at Blair, but didn’t move closer to him. I thought she would continue to keep my feet warm. Instead, she jumped up to my other side on the sofa. I opened my mouth to order her off; she wasn’t allowed on the furniture without permission and of the two of us, she knew the rules better than I did. Before I could, she head butted my side and spilled me into Blair’s lap. He reacted fast, his arms were around me before I tumbled to the floor. It felt good, too good, all things considered, but I tried to sit up. This time, the man had other ideas, and his hold tightened.
“No way,” Blair’s voice murmured in my ear. “Your partner thinks you should let me hold you, and I agree with her. If you ask me, I think she knows you should talk to me.” If he felt at all ridiculous, seated on my couch, talking like Amiga was as smart as a person, he didn’t show it. Since I did the same thing with an alarming degree of regularity, I appreciated that. I looked from her, to him, and back again. She barked once, insistently, and I winced at the noise and blew out a breath in a long sigh. Out-manoeuvred and out-voted.
I let Amiga settle next to me. She was a familiar comfort, and I needed that. Before I could talk myself out of it, I spilled out the whole story. I had to go back a ways, so it took a while, longer than I was used to talking. Once I started, it got easier. I outlined the flare-ups as I went through puberty, and my subsequent suppression, then skipped to adulthood, and my time in the jungle. I explained about the crash and my long delayed rescue, and the sensory problems that cropped back up soon after. The guilt my departure brought back was a surprise, but I told him how much I’d enjoyed police work, and the total unpredictability that had made me leave.
I tried for calm and matter of fact. Still, my voice shook, and I tangled my hand into the long, silky reddish-black hairs just below Amiga’s collar. She turned her head and licked my hand, then settled back, but her gaze was a gentle pressure that encouraged me to continue. So, I told him the rest of it, how I’d left Cascade and come to Fielding in hopes that distance and solitude would help me rediscover my control. How I’d met Dylan was easier to explain. The explanation of how I’d ended up owned by a dog even made me smile. The smile slipped once I got into specifics, how Amiga helped but only so much, the effects of fatigue and stress. None of that was reason for happiness. When I ran out of things to say, it took me a few seconds to look up, but when I did, I had to take a second look.
Rather than scepticism, disbelief, or even worse, condescending humour, Blair’s face was a picture of excitement. “Okay, I’ll admit, that’s a reaction I’ve never seen before,” I admitted. It was hard to hold on to coherence when I felt this lousy, but that much, I was sure of.
Excitement was replaced with sympathy. “I’m sorry you’ve been through so much, of course,” Blair responded. Despite the fact that his obvious distress was on my behalf, it made me wish I had the energy to comfort him.
“It’s just, if I’m understanding you right, you’ve had all these problems with your senses, and you’ve never had any idea what caused them, or how to control them.” A ball of energy that masqueraded as a man, Blair’s hands gestured an accompaniment to his words, but he continued before I could do more than nod. “I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I think I might know what’s going on with you and if I’m right, I can help you control it,” he finished, his voice quieter, but threaded with an intensity I hadn’t heard from him before.
“You already do,” I admitted. The words were out before my brain kicked in to even try and filter them. Confronted with Blair’s curious head tilt, combined with the look he gave me, I gave up discretion as a lost cause. “Things are more normal around you, senses-wise.”
You ever noticed when some people are thinking really hard, they get so caught up with what’s inside their head, you could dance naked right in front of them, and they wouldn’t notice? As soon as he heard my admission, I got exactly that vibe from Blair. I watched his eyes get distant. He’d given me time to think a few times, so I tried to do the same for him. Patience has never been my strong suit, so it was probably for the best that he spoke a minute later. Unfortunately, it was more to himself than to me .
“Huh, so maybe you are the reason I got to get off the rollercoaster,” he muttered.
“I know I’m sick, but I am pretty sure you haven’t taken any side trips to the county fair lately, Chief.” In my current state, even the weak attempt at humour took more energy than I would willingly admit. Still it was enough to focus Blair back on me.
He chuckled, but there was too much warmth in it for me to take offense. “You aren’t the only one who has been having problems. As long as we’re confessing, I should tell you, I get input other people don’t get.” It was his turn for nerves, but Blair plunged ahead before I could question him. “Before you ask, my senses all function normally. I just sometimes get impressions of other people’s emotions. Sometimes they’re stronger than others. The clearest, strongest impressions are actually from you. It’s like when I am picking up from you, it blocks out the overload from everyone else or something. I’m not sure. If something bad happens, it can get intense, bad enough to make me physically ill. But I can regulate it better when I’m around you.” His tone tried for nonchalant, but I could feel him tremble.
Part of me wanted to argue, out of reflex. The idea that anyone could read other people’s feeling like a book should have been crazy. And I wanted to be bothered that he had been picking up from me without telling me. But I hadn’t told him my secrets until now, and had just asked him believe me. It was only fair that I do the same. “All right,” I accepted. “We’re apparently both not quite normal, gotcha. Why do I get the feeling there’s more to it than that?”
“Well, in order to explain that, I have to tell you what I think is going on with your senses.” When Blair drew back, it was all I could to not to protest. He was careful not to jostle me but he extricated himself. “It will take a while, man. I have some stuff in my car that will help you feel better. I’ll go get it, we’ll get you on the road to fixed up, then I’ll explain.” I moved to get up as he spoke, but he pushed me back down. It took insultingly little effort. “I promise, I’ll be right back, big guy. Stay here, so I don’t have to worry about you falling over.”
In the state I was in, a fall was a likely possibility, so I didn’t argue. That’s how I came to be wrapped in a multi-coloured afghan that smelled faintly of spices I didn’t recognize, as I watched Blair stir a pot on my stove. He looked oddly at home in my kitchen, but that was all right. I liked it. That didn’t mean I looked forward to the taste of whatever bubbled away happily, but that was okay too. I left Cascade because I needed to find some answers about my senses. I hadn’t heard the answers yet, but that didn’t matter so much, with Blair here with me. Whatever he had to tell me, I would accept it. Hopefully, we would be able to work together to discover the path to control, for both of us. Either way, one thing was certain. Whatever revelations he had, we would face them together, because there was no way I could let him go, now that he’d found me.
The End - For Now...