My Mother's Message to the Newlyweds, Quentin and Ryan
"I got squash coming out of the ying yang and my creepers are takin' over the garden. This rain makes everything grow too fast."
My mom called me again while she was drunk. I got long rundowns on the state of her garden and the vagaries of the weather, the impending hurricane season and the poor state of the roads.
"It's like they planned it!," she says. "They came and put two more feet of red clay on Jack DeLaigle right before it rained! 'Cause, ya know, it ain't a Georgia road if it don't have a 8 foot ditch on both sides!"
Now the whole thing has turned into a mud bog and she slips and slides her way home, constantly afraid of falling off the side.
"You remember the neighbor Stephanie? She ran her new Ford Mustang through a two foot by two foot wash-out over on Townsend Road. Now she's afraid ta go outside and look at what it did to her front end!"
We made the obligatory comparisons to Seattle's rainy weather and then she interrupted with a start, "Look at that! It's rainin' so hard I got new leaks in my trailer! I gotta put a finger in one o' my ears to hear ya in the other!"
"Is that what I hear in the background? That's rain?!"
"Yeah, I told ya--it's been like this for days! I been getting up early in the mornings so I can pick the squash and wash a load o' clothes before it starts. Sounds like I have a serious gotta-get-up-and-do-shit attitude, don't I? But it ain't like that! Guess what I'm eatin' tonight? French fries. And that's all. He can get up and find something to eat for himself! That's how much of a get-up-and-do-shit-attitude I have. He ain't gonna die! We got leftovers: baked beans, chicken, squash. If he eats all that, he's gonna live."
"You know ya mama's got me some good food here. And I found these mashed potatoes by Betty Crocker you'd love. You might can find 'em up there. Ya just add water to 'em but they got special flavors and mmmm, they are good! Hey, you want me to slice up some of these fresh squash, fry 'em up for ya and send 'em to Seattle? Now that'd be something ya cain't find!"
"Mmm, sounds tasty!," I say.
"Yeah. . . I'm just enjoying my little life the best I can."
"Just like you've always done!"
"Don't you know it! Cause Steady ain't gonna change and I ain't gonna change. We just gonna love each other like we are. That's the way I always been with you, too."
"And that's what makes you a beauuuutiful, woonderful person!"
"Well, thank ya," she hesitates in thought for a second then continues. "'Cause I ain't ever gonna change. I'm gonna be 80 and you gonna be 60, visiting me in the nursing home and I'm gonna be drinking my beer and smoking my cigarettes and you gonna say, 'Mama, you need ta stop those! It's gonna kill ya!'"
We talked some more about her garden, the rain, Steady listening to his music out in the barn, all the standards. Then she asked about Que's ceremony again. I went into detail this time, telling her about Kris, Shawna and Karen coming up from South Carolina and how we went out to karaoke box for the bachlorette party. She wanted to know if there were any naked men or women jumping out of cakes. I told her there were lots of hot, sexy gay men and lesbians to look at when we went dancing at R Place.
"I was gonna call him and leave a message on his phone," she said. "'Cause I got his number, ya know. From when you were stayin' there. I was gonna call and say, 'I heard ya got married today! Don't do anything I wouldn't do tonight! Don't be makin' no babies!' And then I'd say, 'Congratulations! I'm glad you declared your love for each other. And just cause ya got married, don't be bickerin' like other couples! And the first one that gets pregnant, I wanna know about it! I'm too old ta give ya some eggs but I would!'"
We laughed a bit and then I explained, "That's one of their jokes, ya know, 'We keep tryin' to make babies. It's not our fault it ain't working!' I don't know what they're gonna do with each other!"
Sugary sweet and slow, she replies, "They're just gonna love each other until they get too old and die."
"Next time I come to Seattle we can go to karaoke again, like we did for ya birthday party. And Quentin can sing to Ryan all gooooogly eyed. That's what he did last time! I got it on video tape!"
My mom called me again while she was drunk. I got long rundowns on the state of her garden and the vagaries of the weather, the impending hurricane season and the poor state of the roads.
"It's like they planned it!," she says. "They came and put two more feet of red clay on Jack DeLaigle right before it rained! 'Cause, ya know, it ain't a Georgia road if it don't have a 8 foot ditch on both sides!"
Now the whole thing has turned into a mud bog and she slips and slides her way home, constantly afraid of falling off the side.
"You remember the neighbor Stephanie? She ran her new Ford Mustang through a two foot by two foot wash-out over on Townsend Road. Now she's afraid ta go outside and look at what it did to her front end!"
We made the obligatory comparisons to Seattle's rainy weather and then she interrupted with a start, "Look at that! It's rainin' so hard I got new leaks in my trailer! I gotta put a finger in one o' my ears to hear ya in the other!"
"Is that what I hear in the background? That's rain?!"
"Yeah, I told ya--it's been like this for days! I been getting up early in the mornings so I can pick the squash and wash a load o' clothes before it starts. Sounds like I have a serious gotta-get-up-and-do-shit attitude, don't I? But it ain't like that! Guess what I'm eatin' tonight? French fries. And that's all. He can get up and find something to eat for himself! That's how much of a get-up-and-do-shit-attitude I have. He ain't gonna die! We got leftovers: baked beans, chicken, squash. If he eats all that, he's gonna live."
"You know ya mama's got me some good food here. And I found these mashed potatoes by Betty Crocker you'd love. You might can find 'em up there. Ya just add water to 'em but they got special flavors and mmmm, they are good! Hey, you want me to slice up some of these fresh squash, fry 'em up for ya and send 'em to Seattle? Now that'd be something ya cain't find!"
"Mmm, sounds tasty!," I say.
"Yeah. . . I'm just enjoying my little life the best I can."
"Just like you've always done!"
"Don't you know it! Cause Steady ain't gonna change and I ain't gonna change. We just gonna love each other like we are. That's the way I always been with you, too."
"And that's what makes you a beauuuutiful, woonderful person!"
"Well, thank ya," she hesitates in thought for a second then continues. "'Cause I ain't ever gonna change. I'm gonna be 80 and you gonna be 60, visiting me in the nursing home and I'm gonna be drinking my beer and smoking my cigarettes and you gonna say, 'Mama, you need ta stop those! It's gonna kill ya!'"
We talked some more about her garden, the rain, Steady listening to his music out in the barn, all the standards. Then she asked about Que's ceremony again. I went into detail this time, telling her about Kris, Shawna and Karen coming up from South Carolina and how we went out to karaoke box for the bachlorette party. She wanted to know if there were any naked men or women jumping out of cakes. I told her there were lots of hot, sexy gay men and lesbians to look at when we went dancing at R Place.
"I was gonna call him and leave a message on his phone," she said. "'Cause I got his number, ya know. From when you were stayin' there. I was gonna call and say, 'I heard ya got married today! Don't do anything I wouldn't do tonight! Don't be makin' no babies!' And then I'd say, 'Congratulations! I'm glad you declared your love for each other. And just cause ya got married, don't be bickerin' like other couples! And the first one that gets pregnant, I wanna know about it! I'm too old ta give ya some eggs but I would!'"
We laughed a bit and then I explained, "That's one of their jokes, ya know, 'We keep tryin' to make babies. It's not our fault it ain't working!' I don't know what they're gonna do with each other!"
Sugary sweet and slow, she replies, "They're just gonna love each other until they get too old and die."
"Next time I come to Seattle we can go to karaoke again, like we did for ya birthday party. And Quentin can sing to Ryan all gooooogly eyed. That's what he did last time! I got it on video tape!"