(no subject)
Whoo. I guess it's time to lose my virginity and make a drunken LJ posting. Or semi-drunken as the case may be.
Except it occurs to me I don't actually have much to say, or to get off my chest. I mean, yes, I have plenty I could gripe about (e.g. being effectively single sucks), but what would be the point really? Of course, this is the very reason I've resisted getting a journal for so long. I'm normally a pretty private person. Okay, very private person. As in you normally have to pry things from me with a crowbar. Just ask my roommate. And really, anything I could say just seems like so much intellectual onanism.
But what the hell, I'm sort of drunk - at least enough to my Superego has receded so I guess I will post. If nothing else, just to say hey, I'm still alive. I haven't forgotten any of my old friends. When I actually have time to think about it I miss the hell out of you. You know who you are. Sometimes I look back and wonder if my life could have gone a different way if I'd done things differently - been more aggressive, been more of a selfish jerk (damn that sense of honor I seem to have absorbed!).
But ultimately that's a rather futile exercise. I am where I am. I have to play with the hand I'm dealt NOW, not sit around second guessing all the decisions I've made in life or dwell on the past. And really, nothing is all that bad. I'm actually doing fantastically well in school for the first time in my life. Life has it's ups and downs, and I'm a little lonely at times, but in the final analyses I'm in a better place than I have been for 10, 15, maybe even 20 years. So, bearing in mind I have a long way to go, I have at least come pretty damned far too.
I don't know. I don't really think I'm so extraordinary, or so insightful. 90% of anything that comes out of my (or anyone's) mouth is just regurgitation or lessons our parents and grandparents and great grandparents and back ad infinitum learned. Funny how every generation has to keep rediscovering all the Great And Simple Truths, but recursively, that tidbit is also a Great And Simple Truth. I fully understand why the Ancients considered the human condition so pitiable.
I guess I'm old enough now that I have come to really understand myself. Check that, old enough AND introspective enough to develop a real understanding. Among other things, I know I will probably always be a relatively quiet person. Consequently I will never have many friends, or tons of success making (*snirk*) "conquests." I'm not particular happy with this fact, but at this point in my life I've come to accept it and cherish the frienships I do have, both online and IRL. Pity I'm not getting any, but eh, it would probably just be a huge distraction anyway.
I also have come to realize I'm probably always going to be melancholy. Unlike much of modern society I no longer see anything wrong with that. I don't WANT to be medicated to "fixed" or whatever. I may very well NOT be completely happy, or even very happy, but damnit, I am who I am, and society can suck my scrotum if it doesn't approve. And there's a great deal of assurance in at least having that sense of identity. This is what I would consider true self esteem, not all that lovey dovey liberal bleeding heart believe in yourself crap. Just know who you are. You don't have to believe it, or love it, or think you're God's gift to man (or woman). Just know and accept who you are. That is enough.
Honestly though, I think people sometimes fret too much. Yeah, I'm one to talk. But seriously, it isn't so bad. The world isn't going to end. Considering I was at one point involuntarily committed for major depression I don't think it's too hubristic for me to say so. Give yourself more credit. Yeah, life can suck great gallons of donkey semen, and the world can seem like it's going to hell in a handbasket. But guess what? Such feelings have existed since time immemorial! Yet we're still here. Our individual lives can seem like they're falling to pieces, yet, as trite as it is life goes on. You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Ask not what your...
I know I'm sounding preachy, but honestly, it seems like a great deal of people do nothing but whine. Honestly, we seem to have no conception of just how well off we are compared to our forebears. Read up on the 19th Century when unemployment rates frequetly hit THIRTY percent and 12 hour, hell, 24 hour shifts were common, and no labor laws existed. Then tell me again how unjust America is at the start of the 21st century. Sure, things aren't perfect, but once again we've come a long ways. Doom and gloom prognostications seem to me both excessive and unproductive. If there are problems, use your oh so clever wit to think of solutions. Just. For the love of God. Please stop the incessant whining.
You can extend that philosophy to your personal life too. Wah wah, life sucks, the world is against me. Can it. I've heard it. I used to say it. That kind of thinking wont get you anywhere. You want to know the real difference between successful people and losers? Not, it isn't that winners are somehow gifted with extraordinary good fortune. The difference is all about attitude. The loser encounters difficulties and says "shit, the world dun dealt me a crap hand! I fold!" The winner says "That sucks. Guess I better bluff my way out of this bad hand and try to improve my odds down the line." In short, you have choice in life - either accept that things beyond your control are going to rule your life (external locus of control) or understand that how you react to misforune is at least as important as things you cannot control (internal locus of control).
Sure, somtimes life lands you an absolutely hellish blow in whatever area. You can either pout and whine incessantly about how unfair and cru-el the world is to you, or you can take the blow, curl up into a ball for a while then get right back out there because God damnit, you aren't going to be taken for a sucker. Yeah, it's unfair that you have to fight tooth and nail for everything but, guess what? The world is not a fair place. Either deal with it, or find a cave somewhere to hide.
With 6.*mumble* BILLION people in the world you as an individual don't count for jack shit in the grand scheme of things. Even if you are 0.1% special you still have 6 MILLION peers. You can either turn that into a completely nihilist denial (why should I bother?) or you can accept with humility that no matter what you aren't alone in your suffering, your misery, etc. The world is no persecuting you and you alone. The World flat out doesn't give a shit about you.
What this means is where you go, and the quality of life you experience, is up to you. YES, realistically you may have to fight harder if you start disadvantaged, but NO, there isn't a grand conspiracy that's going to stop you. By and large where you end up is more a function of just how far you're willing to go and what kinds of risks you are willing to take, NOT the designs "fate" has in store for you.
Sure, the winds of fortune can help or hinder, but to beat a dead horse it isn't wort worrying about stuff you can't change anyway. That's just a waste of emotional and intellectual energy. I know when hard times hit emotional juju is inevitable, but tying right back into all this ranting you can make the conscious choice to simply not feed those emotions. Take a deep breath, step back, distract yourself for a while then when the nasty cortisol levels drop start thinking about things you CAN control. This isn't always clear and can be daunting, but there is simply no other way to be an effectual person.
Yes, I'm a strong believer in free will. I don't deny the existence of external forces pushing us in one direction or another, but I don't believe any of those are truly impossible to overcome if you just have the will and persistence. The only sure thing is life is you're going to be born, and at some point you're going to die. There may be a path laid in front of you, but if you're willing you still have the option to "jump the tracks" so to speak and chart a different course. It wont be easy, but it wont be impossible. THAT, I guess you could say, is my basic philosophy.
This applies to relationships too, incidentally. If a relationship fails, it is my solid belief that it's because one partner or the other, or both, wasn't willing to put in the effort to make it work. Yes, chemistry and all that romantic shit plays a role, particularly in whether or not something gets started, but LONG TERM it's more about your basic attitude. In many ways we have bought a LIE that "good" relationships are effortless. Bullshit. Nothing involving two people is effortless.
The "perfect" romance is a figment of your fucking imagination. There will be disagreements. There will be misunderstandings. There will be moments of doubt, times when the sexual attraction is at low ebb. Whether your survive or not depends on how much effort you expend to overcome those transient difficulties to get back to the good.
I suppose I'm turning into my parents, but it's true that good marriages (and the like) require a solid friendship as well as all those powerfully passionate emotions. Emotions wax and wane over the course of a lifetime. Good friendships do not, at least to not such extremes. This isn't something you can force - it takes time. As sad as I am to admit it, my parents are right about waiting before you commit to someone. You need time for the torrent of hormones to settle down so you can see clearly, and see if this is someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with or not. The heart will invariably say yes at first, the mind may damn well know better if you give it time.
The old writings are right - love, or what most people call love, is a sickness, a drug, an altered state of awareness. When it is at full bore you CANNOT possibly exercise full judgement about another person. That doesn't mean you shold be afraid to fall in love, just, don't push relationships too far too fast and understand that the fading of that initial euphoria is not important. What matters is whether or not anything is left once that has faded, as it inevitably will. The "love" feeling will ebb and flow with time - this is NORMAL, don't panick, but God save you if you have no other bond with a person and you're trying to make a long term go of it.
I find it apropriately ironic that despite having what I would consider an exceedingly healthy attitude toward relationships I haven't met any success yet. But as said, relationships involve two people, and BOTH have to have the right attitude for it to survive. You cannot unilaterly "force" a relationship just by playing the game perfectly. That's something else I have learned. You can do no wrong and still get fucked. Either cry and whine about it past all reason, or understand that this is just part of the baggage that comes with being human and living in a human world and move the fuck on. Luck will be with you eventually and you'll find someone who isn't psycho, but you can't give luck a chance if you give up and fold the first time you get slapped.
I guess to wrap things up I'd have to say success is no certainty. Like I said above, you can play the game perfectly and still get fucked. You either toss up your hands with this realization, or accept the further realization that it's better to risk getting fucked over but have a chance at making headway than it is to defeat yourself and guarantee you get fucked over. So yeah, I have my regrets. I have my times I wish things had gone differently. I have my moments of profound unhappiness, not all that rare, but I also have this damnably stubborn attitude. Call me cold, but even with all these memories and whatnot I don't dwell very often. There comes a point where you just CAN'T continue holding onto the past because it becomes an anchor. I don't stop thinking about people obsessively or whatever out of callous disregard or anything. I don't do it to be mean. It just happens because I focus on the Now - the present moment informed by the past and aware of the future. I take my lessons and I keep marching on.
I avoid posting precisely to avoid turning into another one of scores of whiners. We have enough of that already. Honestly, I can't judge too harshly because I know everyone has a deep seated need to express themselves, to escape their shell, to vent, etc, but the blade cuts both ways and I'm not going to contribute to this madness. Besides, when I do post I tend to get long winded and unleashing that on everyone is unwise. Guess it comes with the "quiet, bottled up" territory. So on balance, I don't post unless I have something to say (or I'm drunk and uncaring if people disagree, think I'm stupid, or even read this at all - but who'm I kidding? I have an ego and it likes to be stroked from time to time), and I try Really Hard not to repeat myself.
Anyway, enough of my drunken ramblings. I'm losing my buzz, so I'll post this absurd ranting before I think otherwise and trash the copious quantities of text I've poured out. I'll hide this behind a cut to avoid spamming my friends. No need to respond, I'm just arrogantly espousing my views like all the other monkeys. I'm a little bitter, but old enough not to let that stop me. Mostly I wish other people could see as I do (I'm sure people do, but, eh...). Not the least of which is for the utterly selfish reason that I want a girlfriend who'll be as pragmatic as I am and wont get all flighty on me.
Except it occurs to me I don't actually have much to say, or to get off my chest. I mean, yes, I have plenty I could gripe about (e.g. being effectively single sucks), but what would be the point really? Of course, this is the very reason I've resisted getting a journal for so long. I'm normally a pretty private person. Okay, very private person. As in you normally have to pry things from me with a crowbar. Just ask my roommate. And really, anything I could say just seems like so much intellectual onanism.
But what the hell, I'm sort of drunk - at least enough to my Superego has receded so I guess I will post. If nothing else, just to say hey, I'm still alive. I haven't forgotten any of my old friends. When I actually have time to think about it I miss the hell out of you. You know who you are. Sometimes I look back and wonder if my life could have gone a different way if I'd done things differently - been more aggressive, been more of a selfish jerk (damn that sense of honor I seem to have absorbed!).
But ultimately that's a rather futile exercise. I am where I am. I have to play with the hand I'm dealt NOW, not sit around second guessing all the decisions I've made in life or dwell on the past. And really, nothing is all that bad. I'm actually doing fantastically well in school for the first time in my life. Life has it's ups and downs, and I'm a little lonely at times, but in the final analyses I'm in a better place than I have been for 10, 15, maybe even 20 years. So, bearing in mind I have a long way to go, I have at least come pretty damned far too.
I don't know. I don't really think I'm so extraordinary, or so insightful. 90% of anything that comes out of my (or anyone's) mouth is just regurgitation or lessons our parents and grandparents and great grandparents and back ad infinitum learned. Funny how every generation has to keep rediscovering all the Great And Simple Truths, but recursively, that tidbit is also a Great And Simple Truth. I fully understand why the Ancients considered the human condition so pitiable.
I guess I'm old enough now that I have come to really understand myself. Check that, old enough AND introspective enough to develop a real understanding. Among other things, I know I will probably always be a relatively quiet person. Consequently I will never have many friends, or tons of success making (*snirk*) "conquests." I'm not particular happy with this fact, but at this point in my life I've come to accept it and cherish the frienships I do have, both online and IRL. Pity I'm not getting any, but eh, it would probably just be a huge distraction anyway.
I also have come to realize I'm probably always going to be melancholy. Unlike much of modern society I no longer see anything wrong with that. I don't WANT to be medicated to "fixed" or whatever. I may very well NOT be completely happy, or even very happy, but damnit, I am who I am, and society can suck my scrotum if it doesn't approve. And there's a great deal of assurance in at least having that sense of identity. This is what I would consider true self esteem, not all that lovey dovey liberal bleeding heart believe in yourself crap. Just know who you are. You don't have to believe it, or love it, or think you're God's gift to man (or woman). Just know and accept who you are. That is enough.
Honestly though, I think people sometimes fret too much. Yeah, I'm one to talk. But seriously, it isn't so bad. The world isn't going to end. Considering I was at one point involuntarily committed for major depression I don't think it's too hubristic for me to say so. Give yourself more credit. Yeah, life can suck great gallons of donkey semen, and the world can seem like it's going to hell in a handbasket. But guess what? Such feelings have existed since time immemorial! Yet we're still here. Our individual lives can seem like they're falling to pieces, yet, as trite as it is life goes on. You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Ask not what your...
I know I'm sounding preachy, but honestly, it seems like a great deal of people do nothing but whine. Honestly, we seem to have no conception of just how well off we are compared to our forebears. Read up on the 19th Century when unemployment rates frequetly hit THIRTY percent and 12 hour, hell, 24 hour shifts were common, and no labor laws existed. Then tell me again how unjust America is at the start of the 21st century. Sure, things aren't perfect, but once again we've come a long ways. Doom and gloom prognostications seem to me both excessive and unproductive. If there are problems, use your oh so clever wit to think of solutions. Just. For the love of God. Please stop the incessant whining.
You can extend that philosophy to your personal life too. Wah wah, life sucks, the world is against me. Can it. I've heard it. I used to say it. That kind of thinking wont get you anywhere. You want to know the real difference between successful people and losers? Not, it isn't that winners are somehow gifted with extraordinary good fortune. The difference is all about attitude. The loser encounters difficulties and says "shit, the world dun dealt me a crap hand! I fold!" The winner says "That sucks. Guess I better bluff my way out of this bad hand and try to improve my odds down the line." In short, you have choice in life - either accept that things beyond your control are going to rule your life (external locus of control) or understand that how you react to misforune is at least as important as things you cannot control (internal locus of control).
Sure, somtimes life lands you an absolutely hellish blow in whatever area. You can either pout and whine incessantly about how unfair and cru-el the world is to you, or you can take the blow, curl up into a ball for a while then get right back out there because God damnit, you aren't going to be taken for a sucker. Yeah, it's unfair that you have to fight tooth and nail for everything but, guess what? The world is not a fair place. Either deal with it, or find a cave somewhere to hide.
With 6.*mumble* BILLION people in the world you as an individual don't count for jack shit in the grand scheme of things. Even if you are 0.1% special you still have 6 MILLION peers. You can either turn that into a completely nihilist denial (why should I bother?) or you can accept with humility that no matter what you aren't alone in your suffering, your misery, etc. The world is no persecuting you and you alone. The World flat out doesn't give a shit about you.
What this means is where you go, and the quality of life you experience, is up to you. YES, realistically you may have to fight harder if you start disadvantaged, but NO, there isn't a grand conspiracy that's going to stop you. By and large where you end up is more a function of just how far you're willing to go and what kinds of risks you are willing to take, NOT the designs "fate" has in store for you.
Sure, the winds of fortune can help or hinder, but to beat a dead horse it isn't wort worrying about stuff you can't change anyway. That's just a waste of emotional and intellectual energy. I know when hard times hit emotional juju is inevitable, but tying right back into all this ranting you can make the conscious choice to simply not feed those emotions. Take a deep breath, step back, distract yourself for a while then when the nasty cortisol levels drop start thinking about things you CAN control. This isn't always clear and can be daunting, but there is simply no other way to be an effectual person.
Yes, I'm a strong believer in free will. I don't deny the existence of external forces pushing us in one direction or another, but I don't believe any of those are truly impossible to overcome if you just have the will and persistence. The only sure thing is life is you're going to be born, and at some point you're going to die. There may be a path laid in front of you, but if you're willing you still have the option to "jump the tracks" so to speak and chart a different course. It wont be easy, but it wont be impossible. THAT, I guess you could say, is my basic philosophy.
This applies to relationships too, incidentally. If a relationship fails, it is my solid belief that it's because one partner or the other, or both, wasn't willing to put in the effort to make it work. Yes, chemistry and all that romantic shit plays a role, particularly in whether or not something gets started, but LONG TERM it's more about your basic attitude. In many ways we have bought a LIE that "good" relationships are effortless. Bullshit. Nothing involving two people is effortless.
The "perfect" romance is a figment of your fucking imagination. There will be disagreements. There will be misunderstandings. There will be moments of doubt, times when the sexual attraction is at low ebb. Whether your survive or not depends on how much effort you expend to overcome those transient difficulties to get back to the good.
I suppose I'm turning into my parents, but it's true that good marriages (and the like) require a solid friendship as well as all those powerfully passionate emotions. Emotions wax and wane over the course of a lifetime. Good friendships do not, at least to not such extremes. This isn't something you can force - it takes time. As sad as I am to admit it, my parents are right about waiting before you commit to someone. You need time for the torrent of hormones to settle down so you can see clearly, and see if this is someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with or not. The heart will invariably say yes at first, the mind may damn well know better if you give it time.
The old writings are right - love, or what most people call love, is a sickness, a drug, an altered state of awareness. When it is at full bore you CANNOT possibly exercise full judgement about another person. That doesn't mean you shold be afraid to fall in love, just, don't push relationships too far too fast and understand that the fading of that initial euphoria is not important. What matters is whether or not anything is left once that has faded, as it inevitably will. The "love" feeling will ebb and flow with time - this is NORMAL, don't panick, but God save you if you have no other bond with a person and you're trying to make a long term go of it.
I find it apropriately ironic that despite having what I would consider an exceedingly healthy attitude toward relationships I haven't met any success yet. But as said, relationships involve two people, and BOTH have to have the right attitude for it to survive. You cannot unilaterly "force" a relationship just by playing the game perfectly. That's something else I have learned. You can do no wrong and still get fucked. Either cry and whine about it past all reason, or understand that this is just part of the baggage that comes with being human and living in a human world and move the fuck on. Luck will be with you eventually and you'll find someone who isn't psycho, but you can't give luck a chance if you give up and fold the first time you get slapped.
I guess to wrap things up I'd have to say success is no certainty. Like I said above, you can play the game perfectly and still get fucked. You either toss up your hands with this realization, or accept the further realization that it's better to risk getting fucked over but have a chance at making headway than it is to defeat yourself and guarantee you get fucked over. So yeah, I have my regrets. I have my times I wish things had gone differently. I have my moments of profound unhappiness, not all that rare, but I also have this damnably stubborn attitude. Call me cold, but even with all these memories and whatnot I don't dwell very often. There comes a point where you just CAN'T continue holding onto the past because it becomes an anchor. I don't stop thinking about people obsessively or whatever out of callous disregard or anything. I don't do it to be mean. It just happens because I focus on the Now - the present moment informed by the past and aware of the future. I take my lessons and I keep marching on.
I avoid posting precisely to avoid turning into another one of scores of whiners. We have enough of that already. Honestly, I can't judge too harshly because I know everyone has a deep seated need to express themselves, to escape their shell, to vent, etc, but the blade cuts both ways and I'm not going to contribute to this madness. Besides, when I do post I tend to get long winded and unleashing that on everyone is unwise. Guess it comes with the "quiet, bottled up" territory. So on balance, I don't post unless I have something to say (or I'm drunk and uncaring if people disagree, think I'm stupid, or even read this at all - but who'm I kidding? I have an ego and it likes to be stroked from time to time), and I try Really Hard not to repeat myself.
Anyway, enough of my drunken ramblings. I'm losing my buzz, so I'll post this absurd ranting before I think otherwise and trash the copious quantities of text I've poured out. I'll hide this behind a cut to avoid spamming my friends. No need to respond, I'm just arrogantly espousing my views like all the other monkeys. I'm a little bitter, but old enough not to let that stop me. Mostly I wish other people could see as I do (I'm sure people do, but, eh...). Not the least of which is for the utterly selfish reason that I want a girlfriend who'll be as pragmatic as I am and wont get all flighty on me.