Energy fluctuations and blazing infernos
I can’t tell you when it started exactly, but the last week or so has been very interesting. Over the last month or so I have been progressively getting closer and closer to the core pain/suffering that I’ve been carrying for my entire life. It started out with gradual periods of crying that lasted (because of this accursed male conditioning to not show emotion or to ask for fucking help when one needs it! yes... frustration...) all of about 15 seconds which is about as long as they usually last though the most had been a minute. I think the bit of crying i did before this massive release of emotional energy (or maybe it’s kundalini... can’t tell whether I“m just transmuting emotional pain from the past into sexual energy or not... still pawing off does do wonders for releasing the energy).
So I went through a period of a few days where I’d think of something that would trigger tears for a little bit then I’d regain my composure and on we go.
Okay, so now I’m feeling a lot like a dam that is holding back a massive amount of water. alternatively I sometimes feel as though I am running a fusion reactor in my chest or something like what a star could put out. at least that is the closest I seem to be able to come to describe.
Anyways, so it’s there... pent up usually making my body temperature raise sometimes causing me to sweat. I’m in the process of directing the energy to clear out any energetic blockages relating to sexuality and sensuality. I have been seeing flashes from my childhood or at lesat it seems that way.
Emotionally, I seem to be unwilling to share more at present on that subject so I’ll leave it at that.
I”m looking for a good metaphor to describe the energies inside of me and so I can use them to create with. Create what? I don’t know... it would depend on what I find inside of me when the intensity of the emotion at this level has finally expressed itself.
I have been getting some help in this by a close friend of mine and I am hoping the ‘sessions’ continue. We’re gonna do ‘em an hour or so spaced a bit over the next week or ... I guess however long it takes. I seem to have a LOT more control over the energy now than I did in california. I don’t know how much energy Micki required to work with me (especially when things got heated with Synge...) but my friend has so far said it is not taxing on his system so maybe I can modulate it enough.
All things told though, I feel a strong draw to call into my life someone who can help me learn how to direct these strong energies. I had read somewhere that ina certain setting a Dominant (bdsm) can create a scene in which it is safe to express some of the more intense emotions that were denied a voice or expression when they were created way back in childhood. That is the source of people’s suffering I think. It is these unexpressed emotions. I think that is true for karma too.
Anyways, so I think I might have found one and he seems rather lupine in nature at least by picture. I have written him and am hoping to get a response sometime in the near future. I won’t stop looking if he doesn’t respond but I like the energy I sense from his picture and it feels right for what I“m looking for so we’ll see what happens.
The mad fluctuations of energy remind me of a character from a trilogy I’m very fond of. I believe it is by Mercedes Lackey and is called ”Magic’s Promise“, ”Magic’s Price“, and one other but i can’t remember the name. THe main character I identified with and do so especially now that the energy is just flowing out like it did with that mushroom trip and this is without anything.
I don’t know if my entries seem disjointed or the ravings of a lunatic (kinda hope I don’t sound crazy but my frame of reference right now is vastly different than it used to be and I’m still working on bridging back to where I was so I can see how I got to whereever I end up when this emotional purge is done). I’m writing what I feel moved to write (aka what Kiera will let me say right now). I’m going to go over this once I”m done with this part of the process and hopefully it will serve as breadcrumbs for the reintegration (aka I remember my life up till now which is something almost completely missing save for brief glimpses that don’t give me much to go on).
SO this is like a novel in a way.... each moment I don’t know what is going to happen. I do not know what tomorrow is like until I experience it. I have never had such a profound sense of the Now since maybe when I was REAL young before I learned much of what I had to unlearn to get where I am now.
I feel a need to stop for now. MOre later when the urge to write hits me again.
Spiritual Jester and Sacred Clown
In Dragon I Trust