FREAKIN' BARBIE DOLLS!!!!!!
So it looks like I'm writing all of my journals from now on as cut tags. ...I know people get tired of reading what little I have to say, so this is an attempt to take up less space & help conserve your scroll time. Tonight's episode:
Kelly mentioned that the Fashion Board was having an interest meeting tonight, & in retaliation of the system, I decided to go. I dressed nice, put on real make-up for the first time in ages, & went over to the Union Ballroom. I sat down & took into account the people around me. Up on stage a bunch of older girls were milling around, all wearing teensy dresses & heels, all tanned to a brilliant orange & with bleached blonde hair, all with pounds of make-up on, all with bitter looks on their faces. A little skeptical, I looked around the audience. A VERITABLE SEA of girls who looked just the same!!! Some in tank tops & short skirts, some in sorority t-shirts, all with the bitter looks, bleached blonde hair, & orange tans. All looking each other up & down. Looking ME up & down with some of the nastiest expressions I've ever seen. The meeting started, & I saw all the girls jolt to attention with big fake white smiles. UGH. That's when I got up & left. I pushed through a row of girls & headed for the back door. MORAL OF THE STORY? I am so at a loss with all of this. I want to get involved, but the thing I could have been good at (Screw you, CAB) didn't want anything to do with me & I didn't want anything to do with one of the things I most hate in the world (ORANGE, BLONDE, BARBIE DOLL SORORITY GIRLS). Modeling is fun, I like to do it, I've always wanted to be one, but that's not me- that stereotype that I was surrounded by. I have NEVER seen so many of them in my life. & I was the only one who didn't fit in. My question? If I don't fit in with the NORMAL get-involved-&-plan people, & I WON'T fit in with the whore clones, where DO I fit in? I'm not used to this at all, looking for things to do. In high school I was invited to be in all the clubs, selected by the selective ones, & always with something to do & someplace to be. I CAN'T HANDLE THIS! Is this some complex? It has to be. I've never felt so stir crazy in my entire life. This has to be the reason I've been at Sanderson every day taking class &/or dancing. I've got to feel involved. Yes, I'm crazy. I just established that. I'm the newest volunteer at the Starkville Humane Society, something I've always wanted to do, but they didn't ask. I wasn't selected. They're just happy for an extra hand. & it's not that I'm unhappy about volunteering; I'm more excited about this than I have been about anything in a while. Yes. I'm going crazy. I'm going to put on my ballet shoes & let all of this energy out. I don't know what I'll do to myself if I sit here & try to focus on anything else.
...I'm really worried about myself now. You might think this is a silly thing to stress over, but it's making me feel more restless than I ever have. I could go out & run 10 miles right now solely on this horrible angry energy that's welling up inside of me. I HAVE NEVER HAD THAT FEELING BEFORE & I DON'T LIKE IT!!! I am worrying myself. I'm worried what this will lead me to do. Working out is the only thing that gets me focused, & I can't do that 24/7 or I'll waste away to nothing. But since it's my only option right now, I'm going to dance for approximately 2 hours, because at least then I'll feel like I've accomplished something.
EDIT:: I feel loads better. Mostly because I danced for 2 1/2 hours. Hmm. ANYWAY, I landed some triple pirouettes, was doing some nice double pique turns, & I'm getting used to the pointe shoes again. This girl even poked her head in the room & asked where I took dance. When I told her I didn't, she said, "Oh, well you are really good & I was wondering who your teacher was!" :o) Definite confidence boost. I missed dance so much. My toes are red & blistered already. I LOOOOOVE IT. I need classes though. I really do. I need someone (who is not me) pushing me to get better. Hmm.
Kelly mentioned that the Fashion Board was having an interest meeting tonight, & in retaliation of the system, I decided to go. I dressed nice, put on real make-up for the first time in ages, & went over to the Union Ballroom. I sat down & took into account the people around me. Up on stage a bunch of older girls were milling around, all wearing teensy dresses & heels, all tanned to a brilliant orange & with bleached blonde hair, all with pounds of make-up on, all with bitter looks on their faces. A little skeptical, I looked around the audience. A VERITABLE SEA of girls who looked just the same!!! Some in tank tops & short skirts, some in sorority t-shirts, all with the bitter looks, bleached blonde hair, & orange tans. All looking each other up & down. Looking ME up & down with some of the nastiest expressions I've ever seen. The meeting started, & I saw all the girls jolt to attention with big fake white smiles. UGH. That's when I got up & left. I pushed through a row of girls & headed for the back door. MORAL OF THE STORY? I am so at a loss with all of this. I want to get involved, but the thing I could have been good at (Screw you, CAB) didn't want anything to do with me & I didn't want anything to do with one of the things I most hate in the world (ORANGE, BLONDE, BARBIE DOLL SORORITY GIRLS). Modeling is fun, I like to do it, I've always wanted to be one, but that's not me- that stereotype that I was surrounded by. I have NEVER seen so many of them in my life. & I was the only one who didn't fit in. My question? If I don't fit in with the NORMAL get-involved-&-plan people, & I WON'T fit in with the whore clones, where DO I fit in? I'm not used to this at all, looking for things to do. In high school I was invited to be in all the clubs, selected by the selective ones, & always with something to do & someplace to be. I CAN'T HANDLE THIS! Is this some complex? It has to be. I've never felt so stir crazy in my entire life. This has to be the reason I've been at Sanderson every day taking class &/or dancing. I've got to feel involved. Yes, I'm crazy. I just established that. I'm the newest volunteer at the Starkville Humane Society, something I've always wanted to do, but they didn't ask. I wasn't selected. They're just happy for an extra hand. & it's not that I'm unhappy about volunteering; I'm more excited about this than I have been about anything in a while. Yes. I'm going crazy. I'm going to put on my ballet shoes & let all of this energy out. I don't know what I'll do to myself if I sit here & try to focus on anything else.
...I'm really worried about myself now. You might think this is a silly thing to stress over, but it's making me feel more restless than I ever have. I could go out & run 10 miles right now solely on this horrible angry energy that's welling up inside of me. I HAVE NEVER HAD THAT FEELING BEFORE & I DON'T LIKE IT!!! I am worrying myself. I'm worried what this will lead me to do. Working out is the only thing that gets me focused, & I can't do that 24/7 or I'll waste away to nothing. But since it's my only option right now, I'm going to dance for approximately 2 hours, because at least then I'll feel like I've accomplished something.
EDIT:: I feel loads better. Mostly because I danced for 2 1/2 hours. Hmm. ANYWAY, I landed some triple pirouettes, was doing some nice double pique turns, & I'm getting used to the pointe shoes again. This girl even poked her head in the room & asked where I took dance. When I told her I didn't, she said, "Oh, well you are really good & I was wondering who your teacher was!" :o) Definite confidence boost. I missed dance so much. My toes are red & blistered already. I LOOOOOVE IT. I need classes though. I really do. I need someone (who is not me) pushing me to get better. Hmm.