KU5
A/N: A cameo from USUK in the next few chapters
Because I lost interest in this story I’m not writing
1) Russia was denied his vodka because China said his ‘delicate constitution’ couldn’t handle it
2) China kicked Russia out of the room because he wanted the bed all to himself. But in the middle of the night, Russia wakes up to see China snuggled up next to him on the small sofa because he ‘was too cold’ (and lonely) by himself.
3) Mood swings
4) Telling Russia the baby kicked but then stops when Russia comes running. An endless cycle
Ah…another thing I wanted to point out is that I know I kinda make it seem like they’re living together but in truth, they’re not. They live separately but visit each other from time to time and sleep over (which explains the morning breakfast and sleeping together at night), but with China’s ‘condition’, Russia has been visiting China’s house more often.
“Yao….” Russia sighed as China registered their names with the receptionist. He was having trouble keeping his eyes open, completely tired from the flight. “Couldn’t we have taken parenting lessons in Beijing or Moscow even? Why did we have to fly all the way to Berwald’s place?”
Laughing and still full of youthful energy, China linked arms with Russia, dragging him forward to the classroom. “Because people say Sweden is the best place to raise kids. They’re programs are bound to be the best aru.” He turned his big, round eyes onto the larger man, lightly touching his rounded stomach. “Don’t you want what’s best for our future children and me aru?”
At the sudden change in the China’s tone of voice, Russia immediately became alert. After a month of constant mood swings, he has conditioned his body to catch them before the Chinese man threw a tantrum. “Now, Yao~ Y-you know I always wants what's best for you.” He slowly moved his arms to hug the smaller nation, never breaking their eye contact.
“Never show them fear. Must tread carefully.” Were the constant thoughts running through Russia’s head. “It’s just that I thought it was bad for your health if you’re flying on a plane while you’re in such a delicate condition da?” He tried to say sweetly as possible.
China narrowed his eyes, glaring. As China took a deep breath to begin his tirade, Russia raised his eyes upward and prayed he would survive this.
“WHO’S BLOOD FUCKING FAULT IS IT THAT I’M LIKE THIS ANYWAY!” A familiar voice shouted a few feet away from them. “Don’t blame my pregnancy for you not wanting to come here, you bastard!”
“Awww but Iggy!!! I’m just worried about you! You’re- Ouch! Watch where you’re hitting, sugarplum.”
“Sweet talking won’t get you anywhere, fatty!”
China and Russia exchanged glances.
Do you think….
Impossible…
“Must be another British-American couple aru,” China said unconvincingly
“Nope,” Russia pointed as the crowd parted to reveal the arguing pair, “It’s our thick-browed friend and fatty.”
“Like I said, must be another British with caterpillar eyebrows and super-sized American.” He tugged on Russia’s arm, forgetting his earlier anger, “Let’s go before they see us aru.”
Too late.
“Ah! Yao! Ivan!” America yelled across the room, waving at them. He turned back to England, “Look it’s the Commies! Let’s go say hi, my little munchkin?”
“You just want to distract me,” England growled, but willingly followed the American, “And stop giving me weird nicknames!”
“But you were complaining earlier that I didn’t give you enough love. This is how we do it in America, puddin’”
“Will you just shut the fu-”
China cleared his throat.
“Oh,” England blushed, “Hey…how-”
“So why are you two here?” America cut in.
“Goddamn it, Al, let me finish talking for once!”
“But, you were taking too long!”
Ignoring the next brewing argument from the stupid couple, Russia wrapped his arm around China’s shoulder and nestled him close. “I think we’re here for the same reason as you.”
“What do you….” China blushed from embarrassment as America settled his gaze on his slight bulge. “Oh…”
“That’s what I was trying to say before you opened your big mouthed and asked the stupid question, you idiot.” England elbowed America in the stomach.
America, not even feeling a thing, leered at Russia. “So…trying to take over the world again huh?”
Russia raised a delicate brow. “I have no idea what you’re saying.”
“Don’t lie!” America stilled England’s fist still trying to pummel him and pulled him close by the waist - mimicking Russia and China’s own intimate embrace. “You knock up Yao and make more commie kids. I can see through you so easily….”
“And to think for a moment I was worried what you were going to say,” A cold, gentle smile graced Russia’s lips. “I’m not a communist country anymore remember? But of course, I forgot you had hamburgers for brains. Much worse than a goldfish with a 3 second memory da?”
America laughed. “Once a commie, always a commie, I say.” He returned Russia’s smile with one of his own, this one full of confidence and smugness. “If you’re not a communist country anymore, then what? A capitalist? Wanna admit I was the best after all?”
“I’ll admit it once you stop hounding Yao-Yao for more money~”
China groaned while England slapped a hand to his forehead, going, “Dear Lord, not again.”
“What number is this?” China mouthed to England
“Unofficial Cold War CCXXXVII,” England whispered back.
“You actually keep track aru?”
“Shut up!”
As expected, the Cold War pair quickly switched from barely concealed barbed words and insults before reducing to simple name-calling.
“Commie!”
“I’ll take that as a compliment, dear Alfred~”
“Fatso!”
“I’m not fat! I’m big-boned!” Russia countered, “And only a fatty would call another person fat, fatty.”
“I’m not fat! I’m muscled toned!” American shook his head, “Doesn’t matter! I’m still bigger than you down there.”
“So says the XS condom wearing man.”
At that moment, the two turned to their respective lovers and asked at the same time, “Who is bigger?”
China and England just stood there stunned.
“Um…Al…” England was the first to recover. “I wouldn’t know…I…I haven’t…you know, with him….J-just you and-”
China stomped his foot. “How would I know aru! Don’t ask such embarrassing things!”
Completely forgetting about his fear of China’s mood swings, Russia hugged the fuming Chinese close to him, “Well as you know what they say, it’s not the size that matters but how you use it.” He nuzzled into the black, silky hair and gave the four-eyes a triumphant grin, “Yao and I are going to have fraternal twins. That’s two different sperms if you can’t count that high.”
“Tw-two?” America stumbled back as if someone had shot him but quickly recovered. “Ahem, whatever. You’re still impotent in my book. Took you how long before you got those two kids? ‘Bout time you finally got some action.” He smirked, “I’m only 3 centuries old and BAM, knocked England up and got my first kid!”
“Okay, that’s it!” England flung America’s arm off him and stormed off in the opposite direction. “I can’t take this conversation anymore.”
“Where ya going, Iggy?”
“Bathroom break!”
“Should I-” America began.
“No!” England barked back, “I can’t take anymore idiot right now.”
“I’ll be right here still~ Call me if you need me, muffin cakes”
England gave him the bird.
“Isn’t he the cutest thing?” America sighed.
Russia and China gave no comment.
When England’s back finally disappeared, America switched his gaze back onto China.
“Wh-what aru?” China squirmed under the steady blue eyes.
“ I was just wondering….” America started.
“Yes aru?”
“Do you think you could give me the width and length of Ivan’s dick and how many times he came in you before he got you pregos? Then I can compare it to mine and we can once and for all-“
“GYA!” China yelled, pushing away from Russia, “Wait for me, Arthur! I’m coming with you aru!”
A/n: Is crack...so much crack....