Banff lov Bashers
It's outside your box dear, i finally relized, that i'm alive. & these fearful tongues are closed shutters on futures eyes. ...no familliar voices of pleasant friends at the other end....none no longer want to care. & this will be good for me,them too.
sorry for those of you i'm over looking right now i hope they know how much it means to myself and Bob. Those others are standing out though.It's nice when your put down by everyone even your closest friends and no matter how hard you try...you either end up annoying/frustrating/or making people who were once your closest frends not get you at all...i constantly feel as though i have my heart in a vulnerable area with them and all they do is shoot me down about myself as a person and how i choose to live and therefore they will be known to me as their truth. That they only wanna be around for a party...and even now they don't. HAH.
I never want anyone to think I don't wanna support them with something that means everything to them. Wouldn't real friends be willing to understand/ talk about it/ maybe be concerned but when you actually have more then a 2 minute conversation on msn about it with me then call me dumb, or i'm going to end up a pregnant woman whos gonna amount to nothing with no life insurance?
I wanna tell them all to go fuck themselves but I still love them. I can only try to respect your thoughts on the matter but that's the least you can do for me.
Real friends come cheap but are highhhhly difficult to find for some of us guys, so if ANYONES reading this and you have some, never let that connection die. I'll never stop fighting for it because maybe it's a sign of weakness or maybe it's strength but I need connections with people. To feel close to anyone I care about and even strangers. It depresses me to see what's come out of all the....effort?no it was never effort to care...Time?..means nothing. love? i dunno what it would be called...maybe but...now i'm so jaded and niahlistic about the entire world for every reason why...it came from love though...the hate is always from love of another thing. Usually a non present other thing.
much like lack of support, more like ridicule by doctors,adults,ppl i'm close to and just anyone with an opinion against it. I have to thank them again cause it's people like that who help you through so much of life. Haters need to recognize it might not sound right or be right for them but i'm carrie. Banff is the best thing i can do with my life right now.(banff just happens to be the location we chose but it's become a sort of metaphor, which, embodies a destination much like land of plenty that can/will help me in time, become the person i want tobe.Develope and begin life.)
run on sentences.
i KNOW I DON'T have the dicipline to focus on school right now...just being there makes me "insane"but so does this small fucking town.
I wouldn't graduate anyway this year...money is the do drugs, here i'm so down,careless and hateful not to want to...she says willpower but thats hard to have when you don't care. I need to prove to myself i am able and confident...even though i kno theres not one single person that belives i can do anything...not even bob dispite what he says (but hes never seen me do anything life wise-"right") so i have to believe in myself...and thats what all this negative feedback from ppl has been teaching me. i guess thankyou? wow what a turn around it all just spilled out but i still wish they knew i wanted them to show me what i hope is really there?
YESTERDAY BOB AND I WENT TO SEX SHOPS ALL DAY yay for being preverts and buying goodies.Then visited kris, dana & katey garland:)
today i unwrapped my presents under the tree cause i'm a master stealthy sleuth.
i smell hazardous.
need to overcome depression. and i wrote some lyrics but i need to work on a more cohesive tune...fuck song formats and rhyming and verses and chorus' and you too sanford.
[Take some hate and use it's force we'll make some violent noise
fight.fuck.rape.sleep. Our life amounts to nothing
and words ain't no surface meaning.
You only see your own
And this force is a wasted fist!
And this force is equal to-OHHH!
Alliances will rise above our strength is few & slight
Will one mind change a futures face no!oooo!
And this force is a wasted fist
And this force is a waste of-Ohh!
When! Will! We!Change!]
i'm so tired.
sorry for those of you i'm over looking right now i hope they know how much it means to myself and Bob. Those others are standing out though.It's nice when your put down by everyone even your closest friends and no matter how hard you try...you either end up annoying/frustrating/or making people who were once your closest frends not get you at all...i constantly feel as though i have my heart in a vulnerable area with them and all they do is shoot me down about myself as a person and how i choose to live and therefore they will be known to me as their truth. That they only wanna be around for a party...and even now they don't. HAH.
I never want anyone to think I don't wanna support them with something that means everything to them. Wouldn't real friends be willing to understand/ talk about it/ maybe be concerned but when you actually have more then a 2 minute conversation on msn about it with me then call me dumb, or i'm going to end up a pregnant woman whos gonna amount to nothing with no life insurance?
I wanna tell them all to go fuck themselves but I still love them. I can only try to respect your thoughts on the matter but that's the least you can do for me.
Real friends come cheap but are highhhhly difficult to find for some of us guys, so if ANYONES reading this and you have some, never let that connection die. I'll never stop fighting for it because maybe it's a sign of weakness or maybe it's strength but I need connections with people. To feel close to anyone I care about and even strangers. It depresses me to see what's come out of all the....effort?no it was never effort to care...Time?..means nothing. love? i dunno what it would be called...maybe but...now i'm so jaded and niahlistic about the entire world for every reason why...it came from love though...the hate is always from love of another thing. Usually a non present other thing.
much like lack of support, more like ridicule by doctors,adults,ppl i'm close to and just anyone with an opinion against it. I have to thank them again cause it's people like that who help you through so much of life. Haters need to recognize it might not sound right or be right for them but i'm carrie. Banff is the best thing i can do with my life right now.(banff just happens to be the location we chose but it's become a sort of metaphor, which, embodies a destination much like land of plenty that can/will help me in time, become the person i want tobe.Develope and begin life.)
run on sentences.
i KNOW I DON'T have the dicipline to focus on school right now...just being there makes me "insane"but so does this small fucking town.
I wouldn't graduate anyway this year...money is the do drugs, here i'm so down,careless and hateful not to want to...she says willpower but thats hard to have when you don't care. I need to prove to myself i am able and confident...even though i kno theres not one single person that belives i can do anything...not even bob dispite what he says (but hes never seen me do anything life wise-"right") so i have to believe in myself...and thats what all this negative feedback from ppl has been teaching me. i guess thankyou? wow what a turn around it all just spilled out but i still wish they knew i wanted them to show me what i hope is really there?
YESTERDAY BOB AND I WENT TO SEX SHOPS ALL DAY yay for being preverts and buying goodies.Then visited kris, dana & katey garland:)
today i unwrapped my presents under the tree cause i'm a master stealthy sleuth.
i smell hazardous.
need to overcome depression. and i wrote some lyrics but i need to work on a more cohesive tune...fuck song formats and rhyming and verses and chorus' and you too sanford.
[Take some hate and use it's force we'll make some violent noise
fight.fuck.rape.sleep. Our life amounts to nothing
and words ain't no surface meaning.
You only see your own
And this force is a wasted fist!
And this force is equal to-OHHH!
Alliances will rise above our strength is few & slight
Will one mind change a futures face no!oooo!
And this force is a wasted fist
And this force is a waste of-Ohh!
When! Will! We!Change!]
i'm so tired.