Weddings
I went to a rehearsal dinner tonight for my cousin's wedding. And it was balls because the entire time i was just totally fucking SAD. I hate and love beign with my (bay-area) family, because I remember SO MANY amazing memories of me as a kid playing with Katherine and Hannah and Aunty Em in a pool or a river, with Dan being a monster and launching us around, and my sister just being silly and fun. Back when there wasn't an Aaron to be forced to play with, back when Dan wasn't a complete self-absorbed dipshit, back when Katherine was sane and Hannah wasn't a total teenage skeez. So then every time we see each other again something is ALWAYS different.
And I know I'm romanticizing my childhood experiences, because that's what always happens, but I'm certain that it WAS better than it is now. Maybe it was just because I was far more naieve, or because I had nothing to COMPARE those times with, because they were all my first memories essentially. So I don't know, is life always like that? Comparing the present to the past, and having it never meet expectations? or is it just me? Am I the only person who really even cares, or who can't move on?
But there was fun parts. I hate it when I first initially see family again, and I act shy around them and nervous and kind-of fake (like being overly polite and smiling way more than usual) because there's no reason for it, but EVERYONE does it, but then again it could just be me.
So anyway, that's it. The entire 5 hours I just put on this facade of happiness, when really I just wanted to fucking cry. Not to mention that Tessa (the Bride for tomorrow) totally ignored me when me and my family first walked into the restaurant. I know she has so much to think about and so many people to greet and talk to, but I always thought she kind of liked me. She called me 'little brother,' but, like i should have known, it was just her being overly nice to relatives, just another fucking facade. And Mandy never talks to me when Dan (or anyone else for that matter) is in the proximity. And Hannah and Katherine just really like to talk to Amanda and Dan, the older, cooler cousins. Am I like some weird family pariah? So I'm left sitting next to my mom, talking to all my aunts. Whom i all love dearly, but i have NOTHING in common with them. I hardly have anything in common with my cousins either but at least we were born in the same decade..
UGH FML. no, fuck life in general. This is just making me more depressed :C I need to like talk to a professional about this. But I don't want people to think I'm crazy...