(no subject)
I do not want to get married. I can't honestly say I've ever sat down and "imagined" my wedding. If I did get married, it would not be in a church and it would not be by any member of any religion. A justice of the peace would be perfect, somewhere outside, with minimal family and friends. The service would be short and the after party would never stop. I know I've always said "Wonderwall" would be my wedding song, but some part of me doesn't want that to happen should I ever get married because if that marriage were to fall apart, I'd never be able to listen to that song again.
I do not want to have kids. If I do have children, they will not be mine naturally. I will adopt. That's a large if however. I have no desire to be a mother. Do I find children cute and fun? Sure. But having to care for someone 24/7, being responsible for admitting another human into society, terrifies me. I've had a screwed up life, and I just do not trust myself to produce anything positive for the world. There are too many people in the world right now who can't survive. I would feel guilty having a child who is taken care of before taking care of those others.
I do not believe in God, heaven, or hell. What is it that makes one religion right and another wrong? Everyone believes their religion is right, and thus we have war. A lot of war, over hundreds of years. I call bullshit. Suicide leads you to hell, no matter how good of a life you led? Bullshit. Priests can't get married, so they molest small children? Bullshit. Gays can't get married? Bullshit. Abortion is murder? Bullshit.
How dare you preach at me when you do not know anything about me. Maybe I just haven't found the right religion for me. I've tried a few, but the bitter taste that's in my mouth from my childhood won't leave me.
I'm not entirely sure where I want to live. Having spent my entire life in New York, I've been happy. But do I want to work here? Wouldn't a new experience in a new state be fun? The traveling I have done I've enjoyed. But what's to say in a few years in a new state I won't grow bored and want out of there as well? I never feel settled anymore. I'm always jittery, restless, like I need to just run away.
I'm not even entirely sure what job I want anymore. I know I keep saying social work, child welfare, but the turnover in that job is just ridiculous. Most social workers quit after a few years from burnout. Some do last years upon years, but will I be one of those people? So far, seeing videos and pictures of abused children has not made me vomit or have a truly adverse reaction. I've gotten angry, and wanted to help them. That's good, right? But the more I take sociology courses, the more I'd rather spend all day discussing than practicing. Then again, I don't have a lot of social work field experience yet. How do I know I won't enjoy that far more than anything else I've done thus far?
Know the last solid relationship I had?
Yea, me either. Bullshit upon bullshit. I couldn't handle or he couldn't deal or neither of us could do it any more. I need all my fingers and some of my toes to count off all my ex-boyfriends. I don't even need a full hand of fingers to count off how many are still my friends.
How do any of my friends feel so secure? Am I the only person who just has no idea anymore? Or are the rest of the people just faking it like I normally do? We all put on these happy faces and act like we have it under control. Are we all just screaming on the inside, scared out of our minds, wondering what the hell we were thinking to get ourselves this far in life?
Drink if you want. I don't want to all the time. Every weekend is too excessive for me. Once in a while is fine. If you do drink more than once in a while, don't be annoying or sloppy. You should know your damn limits. I am not taking care of you or feeling sympathy for you.
I'm almost hoping that I'm only writing this entry so in 10 years I can look back at it and say 'What a fucking idiot I was'.
I say this all now, but really, will I stick with any of it? I don't have the best track record thus far in life when it comes to sticking to my statements. At least, I feel like I don't. I keep changing, and sometimes that's a good thing, but I can't help and feel in my case it is everything but.
Am I really alone or are there people who agree with me? Why haven't I found the person that gets me, friend or otherwise?
Agree with me or not on any of these things, that's your choice. Don't expect to change my opinions right now.
PS. This is for you, but you'll never know. Hahahahahahaha. I'm effin' hysterical late at night.
comments are screened. have at it. i actually want feedback on this one in some way i suppose.
I do not want to have kids. If I do have children, they will not be mine naturally. I will adopt. That's a large if however. I have no desire to be a mother. Do I find children cute and fun? Sure. But having to care for someone 24/7, being responsible for admitting another human into society, terrifies me. I've had a screwed up life, and I just do not trust myself to produce anything positive for the world. There are too many people in the world right now who can't survive. I would feel guilty having a child who is taken care of before taking care of those others.
I do not believe in God, heaven, or hell. What is it that makes one religion right and another wrong? Everyone believes their religion is right, and thus we have war. A lot of war, over hundreds of years. I call bullshit. Suicide leads you to hell, no matter how good of a life you led? Bullshit. Priests can't get married, so they molest small children? Bullshit. Gays can't get married? Bullshit. Abortion is murder? Bullshit.
How dare you preach at me when you do not know anything about me. Maybe I just haven't found the right religion for me. I've tried a few, but the bitter taste that's in my mouth from my childhood won't leave me.
I'm not entirely sure where I want to live. Having spent my entire life in New York, I've been happy. But do I want to work here? Wouldn't a new experience in a new state be fun? The traveling I have done I've enjoyed. But what's to say in a few years in a new state I won't grow bored and want out of there as well? I never feel settled anymore. I'm always jittery, restless, like I need to just run away.
I'm not even entirely sure what job I want anymore. I know I keep saying social work, child welfare, but the turnover in that job is just ridiculous. Most social workers quit after a few years from burnout. Some do last years upon years, but will I be one of those people? So far, seeing videos and pictures of abused children has not made me vomit or have a truly adverse reaction. I've gotten angry, and wanted to help them. That's good, right? But the more I take sociology courses, the more I'd rather spend all day discussing than practicing. Then again, I don't have a lot of social work field experience yet. How do I know I won't enjoy that far more than anything else I've done thus far?
Know the last solid relationship I had?
Yea, me either. Bullshit upon bullshit. I couldn't handle or he couldn't deal or neither of us could do it any more. I need all my fingers and some of my toes to count off all my ex-boyfriends. I don't even need a full hand of fingers to count off how many are still my friends.
How do any of my friends feel so secure? Am I the only person who just has no idea anymore? Or are the rest of the people just faking it like I normally do? We all put on these happy faces and act like we have it under control. Are we all just screaming on the inside, scared out of our minds, wondering what the hell we were thinking to get ourselves this far in life?
Drink if you want. I don't want to all the time. Every weekend is too excessive for me. Once in a while is fine. If you do drink more than once in a while, don't be annoying or sloppy. You should know your damn limits. I am not taking care of you or feeling sympathy for you.
I'm almost hoping that I'm only writing this entry so in 10 years I can look back at it and say 'What a fucking idiot I was'.
I say this all now, but really, will I stick with any of it? I don't have the best track record thus far in life when it comes to sticking to my statements. At least, I feel like I don't. I keep changing, and sometimes that's a good thing, but I can't help and feel in my case it is everything but.
Am I really alone or are there people who agree with me? Why haven't I found the person that gets me, friend or otherwise?
Agree with me or not on any of these things, that's your choice. Don't expect to change my opinions right now.
PS. This is for you, but you'll never know. Hahahahahahaha. I'm effin' hysterical late at night.
comments are screened. have at it. i actually want feedback on this one in some way i suppose.