i realize that the only type of fics that i can write well are the depressing ones.
title: forever or never
group: super junior
pairing: kyuhyun/sungmin
summary: if being selfish isn’t love, what is? because it isn’t being selfless-being selfless is just another word for being afraid.
notes: THIS IS SO LONG, SHOOT ME NOW. T__T (approximately 8000 words-you have been warned.)
suggested listening: in my dream - super junior k.r.y.
It goes like this:
Two boys, with muddy hands and bright eyes. Grown up together from the cradle, discovering everything together. Two boys with dreams and aspirations, who want to be something big. Two boys with unconditional hearts and overflowing love.
Two boys who miss their chance.
-
“Hyung!” Kyuhyun caught up to Sungmin, stopping to catch his breath.
“Oh, Kyuhyun! I was wondering where you were!” Sungmin grinned. “I thought you had some unexpected rehearsal, or something.”
“No…just finishing up a test.” Kyuhyun placed his hands on his waist, breathing in deeply. Out of the two, he was definitely not the athlete. “I’d tell you if I had a rehearsal.”
“Well, how was I supposed to know?” Sungmin laughed at Kyuhyun’s obvious lack of stamina, and slung an arm over his shoulder. “Let’s get some ice cream, then?” Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, wondering how much they had spent on ice cream this month alone.
“Again?”
“Why not?” Sungmin pulled him closer, until his arm was wrapped around his neck, pretending to choke him.
“Okay, okay, let’s go! Geez, you and your sweet tooth.”
The older boy laughed. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Kyuhyun could only smile, because he was the only person Sungmin ever went to have ice cream with.
-
“Kyuhyun, meet Sungmin.” His mother tugged him gently into the room, and he half hid behind his stuffed bear. “Come on, he won’t bite. Play with Sungmin-hyung for a while, while I go talk to his mommy, okay?” But before Kyuhyun could shake his head and say no, she was already gone.
The other boy in the room was playing with a ball, kicking it against the wall-quite well, Kyuhyun thought. But the mind of a four-year-old tended to be fuzzy at times.
When Sungmin noticed Kyuhyun in the room, he waved. “Hi!”
He just clutched his bear tighter. “Hi.”
Sungmin picked up his ball, and held it out to him. “Wanna play?”
-
“Another late night?” Kyuhyun asked at the sight of Sungmin in the morning, who would be going backwards if he was trudging any slower. The bags under his eyes were darkening each day, and honestly, Kyuhyun was worried that he would collapse spontaneously and just sleep.
Sungmin nodded, rubbing his eyes. “I swear, these are going to be the death of me.”
University entrance exams were coming up, and Sungmin wasn’t going to back down. While Kyuhyun still had a year left of high school, he had begun preparing for these exams weeks ago, studying until the late hours of the night every weekend. Monday mornings were the worst. On Sunday nights, before Kyuhyun went to bed, he would peek out his window to look at Sungmin’s house across the street, and see that his bedroom light was still on.
“No matter how much you study, you’re not going to do well if you pass out in the middle of the test,” he pointed out, tempting a smile out of the older boy.
“I’m going to study hard until the day before exams start. Then I’ll just sleep and not crack open another book.” Sungmin nodded, finding his solution. “You’ll cheer me on, right, Kyu?” He ruffled Kyuhyun’s hair, using the pet name that never failed to make Kyuhyun smile. He wished he’d use it more often; it made him feel special.
“I don’t know why I wouldn’t.”
“Good.”
After a few minutes of quiet walking, Kyuhyun asked, “You aren’t planning to stay here all through university, are you?” It was something that had been bothering him-but Sungmin never mentioned it, so he never pried.
The older boy blinked. “Why do you ask?”
“Well,” Kyuhyun shrugged, “if you want to be a soccer player, wouldn’t going to America be better than staying here?”
“Aw, do you want me to leave?” Sungmin asked jokingly, laughing. “I didn’t think you hated me that much!”
Kyuhyun’s smile was half-hearted at best. “Well, you need to do what’s best for you, right?”
Before academics, Sungmin loved soccer. It had been a fact since Kyuhyun had met him. When he wasn’t studying for his exams, he was out on the field, kicking the ball through goalposts, while Kyuhyun watched him from the bleachers, reading or doing his homework.
Kyuhyun, on the other hand, was an excellent singer and dancer. It was never something he wanted to pursue in the future, but Sungmin had convinced him otherwise, saying that talent like that shouldn’t be wasted. He considered the musicians, the bands that were currently present in Korea, and thought that maybe he had a shot-so his singing and dancing was what he utilized. He took voice lessons, and sometimes, Sungmin joined him when learning the dances of the most popular songs-it was something they both enjoyed doing.
Different as they were, they never failed to be together.
But of course, there was the thing called life. Kyuhyun was aware of it-they couldn’t be best friends forever. Not this way.
“Mm.” Sungmin looked up at the sky, thoughtful. “I’ll only go if you say it’s okay for me to go.”
Kyuhyun looked away. “Of course it’s okay.”
No, it’s not okay. It’s not okay at all.
-
Holding hands while crossing the street. Taking naps together. Stealing each other’s cookies, trading juice boxes when it was favorable for the both of them. This was what Kyuhyun remembered.
As they grew up, they realized that they could cross the street alone just fine. Naps were no longer necessary. Cookies were for babies, and juice became soda.
Middle school, and they were still trying to find where they fit in the world.
They were having lunch together on the roof of the school. The new school year just started, and it was a little chilly, so they sat closer together for warmth. Kyuhyun was telling Sungmin something unimportant, when suddenly, the older boy stopped him.
“What?” Kyuhyun asked, staring curiously at Sungmin’s embarrassed expression.
“Um, close your eyes for a second.”
“Why?”
“Just do it!” Sungmin’s cheeks were dusted with pink, and Kyuhyun narrowed his eyes suspiciously-but did as asked anyway.
It was a moment later when he realized that he was being kissed.
Kyuhyun stood up immediately-sending his food spilling all over the floor, wide-eyed and shocked. Sungmin looked up at him with confused eyes, and for the first time ever, he felt uncomfortable in his presence.
He rushed away without looking back.
-
“So I thought about what you said.” Sungmin threw a tennis ball at the wall repeatedly, catching it when it bounced back to him. “I think America might be my best option.”
Kyuhyun’s heart leapt to his throat. “That’s great.”
“It’s a little complicated though, since their school year starts in September. I already missed registration, so I’ll have to wait a few months.” The older boy smiled wryly. “I should’ve thought ahead for this, shouldn’t I? University’s…a big thing.”
Yeah. A big thing. A life-altering thing. Kyuhyun never really cared much about university, but now he hated it.
Sungmin coming over to Kyuhyun’s place wasn’t unusual. His room had a plethora of different games-they made Friday nights their game night. It had been a tradition since middle school. Sometimes, they went so late into the night that Sungmin just gave up and slept over. There was a spare toothbrush in the bathroom just for him, because it happened a fair number of times over the years. Every time Kyuhyun saw it in the morning, he would smile a little.
“So when will you be leaving, then?” he asked, hoping that he sounded nonchalant.
“Next summer, maybe? So we still have another nine months together.” When Sungmin looked at him, he smiled-that sweet smile that he had kept from his childhood. “You don’t need to worry too much yet.”
Kyuhyun laughed. “Another nine months of you constantly berating me?”
“Exactly!”
Nine months. Nine months is a long time. It’s enough time to prepare myself.
Sungmin moved off of the chair and onto the floor beside him, leaning against his bed and facing the television. Kyuhyun popped in the current game they were playing, and for the next few hours, all Kyuhyun could hear were the sounds of guns, grenades, dying men, and Sungmin saying that he really should give him a bigger handicap.
Kyuhyun was practical. He did things in the fastest and most efficient way possible. He practiced his singing and studied in school. He cleaned up after himself, and kept things organized simply because it would be a bother to look for lost items later. The only things he indulged himself in were his games-his games, and Sungmin.
Sungmin, who he grew up with, shared his entire life with. Before he knew worries, before he even knew how to speak in complete sentences, he knew Sungmin.
Kyuhyun was a practical person, but when it came to Sungmin, he was the most irrational. He became angry and green and frightening. He’d come to accept it now, but it wasn’t always like that. Always knowing nothing but complete control over himself, when Sungmin got his first girlfriend in the first year of high school, he couldn’t deal with himself. Especially not after thinking for two years that Sungmin was in love with him.
That was what that kiss meant, after all, right? You didn’t randomly kiss your best friend.
It was a little past midnight, now. They had long stopped gaming, but Kyuhyun hadn’t moved from his spot on the floor, because Sungmin was asleep on his shoulder. This happened almost every time he slept over, so he wasn’t surprised.
No matter what-if there was nothing left for Sungmin, he’d still be here.
Kyuhyun looked down at the older boy, breathing peacefully, and was tempted to smooth down his hair. He rethought his actions, though, and instead, woke him up.
“Hyung-c’mon, if you’re going to sleep, at least do it on the bed. You’ll hurt your neck like this.”
-
A week. It’d been one week-just seven days without talking to Sungmin-and Kyuhyun felt like he had lost a part of him.
He stood at Sungmin’s door, heart pounding in his chest. It had taken him a while-but he’d made his decision. He’d date Sungmin. He’d say yes, and make him smile like he did all those other times-make him happy, because he realized, that was all he wanted to do. Being only fourteen, Kyuhyun had never considered himself to be into boys-but it wasn’t so much that Sungmin was a boy, but more that he was just Sungmin.
Sungmin was his best friend. His childhood friend. No one would ever know him the way Sungmin did.
When the door opened, Kyuhyun was ready to say all that-but he never got a chance to. Sungmin appeared surprised that he was there, but once he got over that, he invited him in, and made him some tea. The older boy seemed fidgety-but after a few minutes of talking, things were like nothing had happened at all.
And that was exactly it-nothing happened at all.
Sungmin never gave Kyuhyun a chance to say anything regarding the matter. He never gave him a chance to say anything about it ever again.
Kyuhyun found himself wondering what had happened to him-what caused him to shut off like that. He supposed he’d never know, because once more, they were the best of friends, always doing anything and everything together.
And that was all they were. The best of friends.
-
Kyuhyun shook his head, exasperated. “Ranked in the top five in the entire school. Again. Hyung, you amaze me.”
Sungmin scratched his head, embarrassed. “It’s nothing, really. Just trying my best. I mean, hey-you ranked in the top ten!” He pointed at the sheet that was posted on the bulletin board.
“Right. Ninth. Because that’s so impressive, compared to you being ranked third.”
“Stop putting yourself down. Let’s go get some ice cream?”
“I’ll have you know that ice cream only cheers you up, not me.” But he still smiled and agreed, letting Sungmin drape his arm over his shoulders and lead his way through the crowd of students that were trying to get a look at the rankings.
They went to have ice cream at the same place every time. Over the years, they had tried every single flavor, and soon, the employees there came to recognize them even before they entered the shop. There was one time when Kyuhyun came alone, in hopes of finding Sungmin there, and one of the employees said that it was so odd to see him alone, because he was always with the older boy, wherever he went.
Was that how the rest of the world saw them? As guys who were always together?
They sat at the table in the very corner-the table they sat at every time-and talked over their ice cream.
“So yeah, I’ll come back and visit during the holidays, of course,” Sungmin was saying, sucking thoughtfully on his spoon. It was university again. Lately, all he’d been talking about was university-it was like this storm cloud that was constantly looming over Kyuhyun’s head, just waiting for the right moment to strike him with lightening. “It’s not like I’ll make any friends over there that can replace you.”
Kyuhyun couldn’t help but laugh a little. “There’s no one like me, I’ll give you that.” He reached for his napkin to wipe his mouth, but found that he didn’t have one.
“Oh, here.” Sungmin grabbed his napkin and brought it to Kyuhyun’s mouth, wiping off the bit of ice cream for him. The simple action sent butterflies straight to his stomach, and for a moment, he couldn’t move. Did Sungmin know the effect of his actions, or was it a simple gesture as a friend, to wipe the ice cream off of the corner of his mouth? Ever since that day in middle school, Kyuhyun never really knew anymore. He was never sure how to respond to him anymore.
(He always wondered what it’d be like to hold Sungmin’s hand, to kiss him chastely, tasting mango ice cream on his lips, to sleep beside him on his bed when he slept over, instead of sleeping on the floor. It was the simple things, the first steps of falling in love that he wanted to know.)
He smiled when Sungmin pulled away. “Thanks.”
“Oh, right!” The older boy blinked as he remembered something. “I saw this the other day, and I thought you’d be interested…” He dug around in his bag and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. “Here.”
Smoothing it out, Kyuhyun read the piece of paper. It was an audition to debut as a solo artist that was happening a month from now.
“A solo artist?” Kyuhyun laughed. “Can I really handle that?”
“Of course!” Sungmin smiled. “You’re really good at singing!”
“How would you know?”
“All those times we go to karaoke together? Just because I scream along, doesn’t mean I don’t listen to you.”
“Oh.” Kyuhyun scratched his face sheepishly. “I don’t know, though…” It wasn’t so much that he wasn’t confident in his skills-he knew he was good, but he didn’t know if he was good enough. That, and he’d always imagined that he’d be part of a band, not going solo. Being alone was a lot more stressful than being with others.
“Do it, do it! Sing that ballad that you sang for me last week!”
He stared at the ad in his hands. “I’ll…think about it.”
“Don’t just think, do! Only a certain number of people are allowed to register, so you should do it before all the spots are taken up! C’mon, Kyu, this might be your best shot!”
When he looked at Sungmin and his excited expression, heard him say his pet name-could Kyuhyun really say no?
Resting his chin in the palm of his hand, he said, “Only if you agree to treat me to dinner afterwards.”
“Huh? Why do I have to do that?”
“To make me feel better after a terrible performance, obviously.”
Sungmin leaned back in his chair and laughed. “That’s stupid! You never give a terrible performance. You’re great, really-you just need to actually believe that.” He smiled. “But I’ll treat you to dinner anyway. It’s been a while since the last time.”
“I look forward to it, then.” Dinner with Sungmin always made Kyuhyun happy.
Nine months-could he really go through nine months like this? Nine months of the same friendship that had always been there for over a decade, of ice cream and dinners, of almost-intimacy? What if…what if Sungmin still felt the way he did all those years ago, when he kissed him? Would they be missing out on nine months of something wonderful?
December was finally here, and the air was chillier now, reminding Kyuhyun of Christmas. Right, Christmas. He hadn’t thought of a gift for Sungmin yet.
Glancing at his watch, the older boy sighed. “Sorry, Kyuhyun, I have to leave early tonight. It’s my mom’s birthday, so I can’t miss it…”
“Oh, yeah, of course.” Kyuhyun nodded. “Tell her I wish her a happy birthday.”
“Of course!” Paying for his ice cream, Sungmin headed towards the door, waving. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”
“See you!”
Kyuhyun was left alone in the ice cream shop, idly mixing the now melted cappuccino ice cream. He heard the shop’s background music for the first time, and marveled at how he could just tune everything else out when he was with Sungmin.
Nine months of this, huh?
It was better than nothing at all, he supposed. After all, being with Sungmin was much better than being alone.
-
“A girlfriend?” Kyuhyun stared at his best friend disbelievingly.
“She’s a good person,” Sungmin said happily. “Smart, funny, considerate…I’m lucky she even accepted me.” Kyuhyun had no idea what to think. All this time, he thought that Sungmin was interested in him-
We learn something new every day.
“I have a date with her tonight,” the older boy continued happily. “I’m taking her to a movie.”
“Tonight? But today’s Friday.”
Pause. “Wow, that totally slipped my mind! Sorry, Kyu-next week?”
It was the first time Sungmin had ever skipped out on game night. He was skipping out on game night for a girl. Kyuhyun couldn’t even begin to describe the tsunami of feelings that were overwhelming him right then.
Masking all of it, he smiled. “Yeah, that’s fine. Have fun tonight.”
“I’ll tell you all about it afterwards!”
That night, Kyuhyun lay in bed, staring idly at the ceiling, wondering if the older boy had gotten home yet. Somehow, Friday just wasn’t Friday without him. But there was someone else in Sungmin’s life now-someone that might outrank Kyuhyun-and he didn’t know how to feel about it. He was definitely happy-how could he not be, when Sungmin smiled the way he did-but the creeping voice in the back of his mind whispered to him that he didn’t like it-that he was jealous, that he wanted Sungmin all for himself.
If only he didn’t push him away when he kissed him. If only he’d stayed, and given him a more positive reaction.
But the truth was, Kyuhyun was just surprised. He had never considered that Sungmin would think of him in that way, so in turn, he never thought about it either. He just didn’t know how to react, and ran. It didn’t mean that he didn’t like it.
But that didn’t matter now, did it?
-
“What’s that?” Sungmin asked, pointing at the envelope on Kyuhyun’s hand. “That’s not another love letter, is it?”
“Oh. Yeah, it is.” Kyuhyun held it up and inspected the envelope. “One year my junior.”
“And how many have you received in your life?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I can count, I guess.” Although Kyuhyun was never interested in the girls that gave him love letters (because it was Sungmin-it had always been Sungmin), he took the time to read them when he was alone, and kept each one. It was just something small that he could do, to make up for not being able to make each of them happy. “How many have you gotten?”
Sungmin shrugged. “Less than you, I think. Out of the two of us, you’re the prettier one.”
“Yeah, right.” Kyuhyun laughed, pushing the other boy playfully. “You’re really admirable, you know.”
The two boys were rather popular throughout the school. Kyuhyun actually wasn’t sure why-he and Sungmin never really talked to others outside their close circle of friends. But then again, they always ranked in the top ten for marks, Sungmin played soccer, and Kyuhyun participated in the school choir and got quite a few solos-so maybe they were considered the cool, quiet type. Not that either of them particularly cared about their reputation, though.
“Actually, have you considered getting a girlfriend? You’ve never had one before, right?”
“Ah…” Kyuhyun looked at a tree in the distance-it was suddenly just so interesting.
“Ha, you’re embarrassed!” Sungmin exclaimed. “You’re too shy to get one!”
No, you moron-more like you’re all I can think about. “I just want my first to be special, I guess. I don’t want to just get one for the sake of getting one.”
“I guess that’s true. You haven’t mentioned any girls that you’ve liked, though. Have you never liked anyone before?”
Just you. “No, no one.”
“Wow, you’re weird. You don’t think anyone’s pretty?”
You’re pretty. “No one that strikes me as gorgeous, I guess.”
“Oh.” Sungmin paused. “Do you know who I think is pretty?”
“Who?” Kyuhyun asked offhandedly, assuming that he’d say one of his favorite actresses, or something.
“You.”
There was a moment of silence, and he stared at Sungmin in befuddlement. “Me? That really isn’t something you should tell a guy, you know. It hurts his pride.”
“Well, it’s true, though.” The older boy shrugged. “You have really long eyelashes, and your face is long, too…and you know that hair you had back in middle school, when it was longer? Yeah, that made you look really pretty.” He smiled, like saying this was nothing-as if pretending that he didn’t know what effect his words had on him.
“Oh. Uh, thanks, I guess.” Kyuhyun had to look away, in fear that Sungmin would notice his blushing. “You’re…kind of cute, too.”
“Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t, though. I don’t even look my age.”
“It’s okay, I like you just the way you are.” He put his arm around Kyuhyun’s shoulders, and Kyuhyun found it a little bittersweet. None of these compliments, none of this time spent together meant anything more than friendship to Sungmin, did it?
He still regretted running away, even to this very day.
“Sungmin.” He stopped walking, and turned to face his best friend. “I’m right here.”
Sungmin blinked. “Uh, okay?”
“What I mean is”-well, really, he had no idea what he meant-he didn’t even know what he was saying-“if you ever need anything. Choose me. I’ll be here, even when no one else is.”
And the biggest smile blossomed on Sungmin’s face. His eyes crinkled in the way that Kyuhyun loved, and he pulled him into a hug. “Thanks, Kyu,” the older boy whispered, wrapping his arms tightly around him. “It really means a lot, to hear you say that.”
Still a little surprised, Kyuhyun returned the hug. He could smell Sungmin’s shampoo in his hair. “Yeah, anytime.” He couldn’t ever remember being this physically close to Sungmin before-it made his heart pound, but at the same time, brought unexplainable peace to him. He could feel Sungmin breathing, could feel that he was right there with him-and the rest of the world melted away.
But the older boy pulled away and scratched his cheek, embarrassed. “Right. Let’s go home?”
And Kyuhyun happily obliged.
-
“I don’t even know why you’re so cold to me!” Sungmin shouted. “Every time I mention her, it’s like you don’t want to talk to me anymore!”
“Maybe I wouldn’t mind so much if she wasn’t all you talked about!” Kyuhyun retaliated. He could never remember arguing the way he was right now. Even when he was angry, when he was furious-he would never raise his voice and make a scene. That just wasn’t what he did.
But now-right now, it took everything in him not to break the next thing that moved.
(And Sungmin. He half wanted to break Sungmin, too, for making him feel this way.)
“If I didn’t know better, Kyuhyun, I’d think you were jealous!” Sungmin’s voice cracked, and his words hung in the air, heavy and suffocating.
Jealous?
Kyuhyun swallowed. “Yeah, so I’m jealous. So what? Not like I matter to you anymore.”
Sungmin’s voice was painfully soft. “Of course you matter. You…you’ve always mattered. More than anyone else. More than some girl.” Kyuhyun stared at him, at a loss for words.
“Then why are you even with her?”
He looked at him, dark eyes unreadable. “Because I want to be happy. Is that so wrong?”
Kyuhyun looked away. “No, not at all.”
One week later, Sungmin broke up with his girlfriend. He never told Kyuhyun why.
-
Christmas break, and they did what they did best-hide out in Kyuhyun’s room.
They were sitting on his bed, backs against the wall, watching one of Sungmin’s favorite romantic comedies. Kyuhyun had seen it so many times that he could recite the lines if he wanted-but he never complained, because Sungmin liked it so much.
After the first half an hour of so, the older boy sighed and shifted, so he was resting his head on Kyuhyun’s shoulder. He froze for a moment, but it wasn’t something too out of the ordinary from what he’d normally do, so he brushed it off, and returned his attention back to the screen.
“I don’t really want to grow up,” Sungmin said suddenly. “I mean, I love soccer, but I don’t really want to go overseas for it. I like life the way it is now.”
(Studying hard in school. Going to the choir concerts. Doing homework in the bleachers, ice cream, Friday nights-that was life right now. A collection of little things that came together to make something so big.)
“If you don’t want to go, then don’t,” Kyuhyun told him. It was a simple solution.
“But you said I should, because it’d be the best for me.”
“And since when did you let me decide everything for you?” He stared at the television screen, not really watching. It was the topic of university again. He was beginning to hate it more and more-it made neither of them happy.
“Well, you’ve always been the more logical out of the two of us.” Sungmin laughed a little. “I’m always irrational. Irrational and afraid.”
Kyuhyun turned to look down at him, and his hair brushed his cheek. Sungmin glanced up, and their eyes locked for a frightening moment. It wasn’t frightening because this was the first time that it happened-it was frightening because Kyuhyun saw something in Sungmin’s expression that he had never seen before.
Just tell me to stay. Tell me, and I’ll do it.
He looked away, before his selfishness got the better of him. “You need to do what you think is best, Hyung.”
He knew that Sungmin hated the indifference that he expressed. He hated it, too.
“I…” Kyuhyun sighed. “I don’t want to grow up, either.”
And that was as close as he was going to get to asking Sungmin to stay.
-
“That…” Kyuhyun pointed at Sungmin’s phone, when he pulled it out to send a message.
“Oh, this?” He shook the charm that his ex-girlfriend had gotten for him. “It’s nice. And I mean, it wasn’t like she was a bad girl. She was good. She really was good.”
“Then why did you…?”
Sungmin looked away. “I guess we just weren’t compatible.”
Kyuhyun wasn’t sure what to believe, because when he last saw them together, they seemed pretty happy and compatible. They were holding hands and laughing and doing all of those cute couple things that Kyuhyun desperately wanted to do with Sungmin himself.
He just shrugged. “If you say so.”
“Things are fine the way they are now.” The older boy smiled. “As long as I have Kyu, I don’t need anything else.”
Kyuhyun laughed. “I’d like to hear you say that five years from now.”
-
Christmas came and went, and so did New Year’s. Kyuhyun started his last year of high school, and Sungmin got a part time job to pass the time. Life went on, as it tended to do, and they quickly got used to their new routine.
“There’s this girl at my workplace,” Sungmin was saying one day as he walked home with Kyuhyun. “She’s kind of cute.”
(He came and picked him up from school when he could, for the sake of keeping things as similar as he could to before.)
“Mm? And what about her?”
“This might be a little bit arrogant for me to say, but…I think she’s interested in me.”
Kyuhyun laughed. “I wouldn’t be surprised, Hyung. You might not think it, but a lot of girls do like you. Not all of them have the courage to tell you, is all.”
“No, but she made some really uncomfortable advances! Like, I’d be on my lunch break, and then suddenly, she’d come up behind me and hug me like this!” And he simulated the experience for Kyuhyun, wrapping his arms around his torso from behind. “I mean, not that I don’t do it all the time with you or some other close friends, but I barely know her, y’know? And you know how I almost never hug girls.”
“So? Do you like her?” At this point, Kyuhyun wasn’t really worried; the tone in which Sungmin was speaking conveyed that he wasn’t interested in her in the least.
“Not at all. I don’t like girls who make advances like that-it’s like they have no class at all. And anyway, the guy should make the first move, don’t you think? It’s the twenty-first century, but chivalry should still exist.”
“So you’re saying,” Kyuhyun said, poking fun at him, “that you like shy girls who don’t talk.”
“You know that’s not it!” Sungmin playfully punched him. “I just can’t find anyone right for me that’ll want to be with me.”
“You’re just being modest.” I’d choose you over anyone else, time and time again.
“Heh, maybe.” The older boy rubbed his neck sheepishly.
It’d be wrong to say I wanted to marry you, right? We practically live together, do everything together, and know each other’s quirks. All that’s left is the promise of forever.
When Kyuhyun looked at Sungmin, who was humming as he walked, he was overcome with the terrible urge to hold his hand. It was something completely innocent and chaste, but something that he had thought of for years, now. They occasionally grabbed each others’ fingers when pulling the other in one direction, or in the middle of laughing fits when they needed something to hold onto, but it was never anything intimate.
Sungmin had nice hands, Kyuhyun thought. Hands that were made to caress, to love.
He wanted those hands all to himself.
-
“Hey, Kyu,” Sungmin asked one night as they were lying quietly in Kyuhyun’s room. The lights were off, and like usual, Sungmin was on the bed while Kyuhyun took the floor. “What do you want your life to be like?”
“What makes you ask that?” Kyuhyun hadn’t really thought about it before-but really, the answer wasn’t hard. He’d want it to stay the way it was. It didn’t matter what he was doing, as long as he was doing it with Sungmin-as long as, at the end of the day, he could tell Sungmin about it. He didn’t care about anything else.
“I don’t know. I guess…I just don’t know what I want. Maybe if I like what you want to do, I’ll just copy your idea.”
Kyuhyun laughed softly. “I don’t think it works like that.” He paused, wondering how to word it. “I don’t want anything big, I don’t think. Just maybe a steady lifestyle, performing for people…and eventually marry the person I love, and just leisurely spend the rest of my time with that person.”
“The person you love? Who’s that?”
“I don’t know-maybe I’ll meet him soon?”
“Aha! Him! It’s a boy!”
“What are you talking about?” Kyuhyun was thankful for the darkness that enveloped them, or else Sungmin would see the faint blush that dusted his cheeks.
“You said the person, not a person. And you’re sure it’s a boy. Who do you love?”
“No one! And of course I’d say the person-it’s not like I’m going to choose one out of the several that I can tolerate.” He rolled over and pressed his cheek to his pillow, wondering what Sungmin was thinking right now-if he had finally caught on. Kyuhyun wondered to himself why, actually, he hadn’t told Sungmin, even after so long. Was it because he felt like it’d be selfish to do so? After hurting the older boy so many years ago, it would be stupid to try to make himself happy now.
It was silent for a moment. “Why won’t you tell me, Kyu? Shouldn’t I deserve to know?” His words caught Kyuhyun off guard, and he didn’t know what to say.
“It’s not that I don’t want to…” He curled into himself, pulling his sheets closer.
It’s just that I can’t.
-
And nine months passed like that. It was fast-painfully fast-and not quite as long as Kyuhyun had predicted. Nine months had passed, and he still wasn’t prepared for Sungmin’s departure.
At this point, he didn’t even want anything. He just wanted to know how Sungmin felt about him. He didn’t want his best friend to leave for the other side of the world without at least resolving their feelings. He couldn’t be left hanging like that. Kyuhyun was a strong person, but after withstanding years of not knowing, he was surely going to break soon.
It was a week until Sungmin’s scheduled flight to the states. He had everything ready-he was going to live with some relatives over there, and go to a soccer school. He’d be there for two years, at least.
At least.
They sat on his bed now, watching that romantic comedy again-Sungmin’s head on his shoulder. It was quiet, and Kyuhyun tried to engrave this moment in his mind forever: Sungmin’s warmth, Sungmin’s breathing, Sungmin’s scent-it was funny, how you never really thought about the things that had always been by your side until they were about to leave you.
He blinked in surprise when he heard the older boy sniff. “Hyung?” And what sent him reeling into a deeper state of confusion was when Sungmin’s hand rested on top of his, clutching tightly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m scared, Kyu.” The older boy sounded nothing short of broken, and Kyuhyun’s heart clenched at that. “I don’t want to be in a place where they speak a language that I can hardly even grasp.” He was trembling to keep his crying at a minimum. Kyuhyun wanted to go to his desk and retrieve the tissue box sitting there, but Sungmin was completely supporting himself on him, hand clutching his tightly-so he didn’t dare move.
“You can’t stay here forever, Hyung,” he said gently. “We all have to grow up.”
“I want to grow up here!”
Kyuhyun stared at the ceiling, at a loss. “Remember when I went to audition to debut as a solo artist?” Sungmin nodded, but said nothing. “They said they were that close to choosing me, right?” Nod. “Well, even after you leave, I’m going to join every audition out there, whether it’s for debuting solo, or in a group. I’ll get the proper training, and soon, you’ll see my face everywhere, even where you are. I’ll be trying hard too, so don’t you give up either.”
Sungmin remained quiet. Kyuhyun didn’t know what else he could say to make him feel better, so he turned his hand so their palms pressed against each other, and their fingers intertwined. It was the first time they had held hands so intimately, and his heart jumped to his throat.
“If you keep on crying,” he said awkwardly, “I’m not going to know what to do.”
“Just do what you do best,” Sungmin said, sniffing. “Be there when no one else is.”
And so Kyuhyun did just that. He ran his thumb over his knuckles, reached over and smoothed down his hair, wiped away some of his tears. This was the first time he had seen Sungmin so vulnerable. He had seen him cry before-from a broken ankle, from an argument with his mother-but never before had he fallen apart so completely. Sometimes, he wondered who was really the older one here-but upon further reflection, it really was Sungmin. Sungmin was the one who knew what he wanted, who had the resolve to do it-he just needed that little push. And where did that leave Kyuhyun? Out in the middle of nowhere, not knowing where to go, or how to even start.
(Because without Sungmin there with him, he was completely lost.)
Eventually, the older boy stopped crying, and they continued to sit in silence, watching the movie that was still playing. Neither of them pulled their hands away from each other.
Sungmin was leaving in a week, Kyuhyun thought to himself. Sungmin was leaving in a week.
“Hyung,” he said, suddenly feeling like he needed to do something to change things. He straightened up, causing Sungmin’s head to leave his shoulder, and pulled his hand away as well.
(Nine months, and he finally broke.)
“Mm?” Sungmin rolled his shoulders and stretched his arms out.
“I…” Kyuhyun paused, wondering when it was that he had lost his mind. “I’m not going to run this time.” And before he could give Sungmin time to think, to even breathe, he leaned in, tilted his head, and kissed him.
He was only half surprised when Sungmin responded immediately. The older boy was pressed against the wall, and Kyuhyun had actually pulled his neck muscle while turning to align their mouths-but that was okay, because he was responding, because was kissing him back. It felt like that day in middle school again, with the chilly wind blowing around them, sending goosebumps along their skin, making them sit closer together. It felt like things were finally going the way they were supposed to.
Kyuhyun had no idea why he didn’t do this sooner.
“Kyu,” Sungmin gasped, turning away. “What are you doing?”
He blinked. “Kissing you.”
“No, I know that. But…why?”
Kyuhyun pulled away, exhaling, exasperated. Had they accomplished nothing here? “Because I love you,” he said, with a certain amount of confidence. He had always scoffed at the people who threw around the word love so easily-but he knew this was it-it had to be it, because only love could last this long.
Her heard Sungmin swallow. “Isn’t it a little late for that?”
“What do you mean?”
“I gave you years, Kyu! I gave you years, and you only tell me now?”
“You didn’t give me years,” Kyuhyun snapped, suddenly frustrated. “You didn’t give me anything!” If he knew Sungmin’s heart belonged to him, he would’ve done this a long time ago. Did he think that he liked this constant state of wondering what he was thinking?
“I gave you years!” Sungmin repeated with resolution. “The moment I was single again was the moment I started waiting for you!”
“How was I supposed to know?”
“So you didn’t! So you had no idea that I broke up with her because of you! Well, you know what, Kyuhyun? People take risks! That’s what I did when I kissed you back then-but you, you were so scared that things might’ve fallen apart if I didn’t feel the same way about you, so you just let things drag on like this-you didn’t even trust our decade of friendship enough to think that we could overcome something like that!” Sungmin’s eyes were glassy with angry tears. “That’s the only thing I hate about you, Kyu. You’re a coward.”
And he got off the bed, grabbed his bag, and left the room. Left him, the way Kyuhyun left him so many years ago. But the difference was, he wasn’t running away.
He was walking out with his chin held high.
-
“Let’s get married one day.” Even at seven years old, Kyuhyun knew that it was a little weird for a boy to be saying that to another boy.
“But we’re both boys,” he pointed out to Sungmin. “Let’s marry girls, and be best friends forever!”
“No! I want to marry you!” Sungmin clutched his ball tightly to his chest. “No girl can be prettier than you!”
Weird. Sungmin was definitely weird. But with the way he was pouting, Kyuhyun wasn’t sure why he should say no. Marrying him would be okay too, he guessed-he was kind of cool to hang out with.
“Fine, we’ll get married one day.”
“Great! Pinky promise?”
Pause. “Fine.”
-
Kyuhyun stared at his digital clock on his bedside table. 2:17 PM. It was 2:17 on a Saturday afternoon, and he still hadn’t gotten out of bed yet.
Sungmin’s flight was at 3:30. They hadn’t spoken in a week.
Kyuhyun was afraid. Kyuhyun was afraid, and Sungmin was totally right. Every word he had said was completely true. Kyuhyun was a coward. And he still was. He was hiding in his bed, hiding under the covers-doing it even when he knew it was completely useless anyway, because he couldn’t hide from himself.
What was he doing? In the time that he had wasted, what had he done?
He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in deeply. He couldn’t hide anymore. He couldn’t sit around, waiting for something to happen. He was going to make things right.
And so with that thought, Kyuhyun stepped out of bed, and got dressed.
-
Sungmin was asleep in his seat with his suitcase beside him when Kyuhyun finally found him. And when he did, it felt like he couldn’t move another inch-his entire body froze, and his mind blanked. Everything that he wanted to say just disappeared. He forgot it all.
Sungmin was right there, sleeping as if it was just another day. It wasn’t just another day.
Today was the day that he was leaving Kyuhyun. Today was the day that they were separating, after years and years of friendship and almost-love. Kyuhyun felt his throat close up, but he willed himself not to cry-he couldn’t let that be the last thing Sungmin saw of him. Kyuhyun had never wanted Sungmin to see his weak side, his ugly side.
He stood there for God knew how long, until an announcement was made that the flight from Seoul to Vancouver would be departing in fifteen minutes. Kyuhyun was almost afraid that Sungmin wouldn’t catch it, because he had always been a heavy sleeper-but within moments, his eyes fluttered open, and he stretched, standing up.
Move. Fear gripped Kyuhyun’s ankles, whispering at him from the shadows. Move, dammit.
Sungmin pulled out his passport and boarding pass, grabbed his suitcase, and headed to the desk where they would check his information and allow him on board. Kyuhyun clenched his hands, nails digging so hard until his palms that they could tear his skin.
Are you going to be a coward until they very end?
The older boy was two steps away from the desk when he stopped, and as if on one last leap of faith, did a scan of the area, as if looking for something. Letting himself hope one last time that Kyuhyun had finally stepped up and did something that was beyond what was considered safe.
They stared at each other for a moment. Just looking at Sungmin made fear’s icy grip slither away, and he walked with earnest steps towards him.
“I’m not going to ask you for anything,” he said in a rush, words tumbling out so fast that he wasn’t sure if they even made sense. “I just want you to know what I’ve never loved anyone but you-and there’s never going to be anyone but you. And I know I’m the worst almost-boyfriend ever, but I swear, I’ll e-mail you every day, and on weekends, I’ll stay up way past midnight so I can talk to you on Skype. I’ll get better at singing, and when I’m famous, I’m going to dedicate every single love ballad to you. And when you make it into the big league, even if I can’t be at your games in person, I’m going to watch all of them on TV. I promise.” He swallowed. “I’m not asking for you to hold on for me, Hyung, because that wouldn’t be fair. But I know I’m not going to stop loving you.”
Sungmin’s eyes were wide. “Tell me to stay, Kyu,” he whispered, voice barely audible. “Tell me to stay. As long as I have you, I don’t need anything else.”
And the words were right there-don’t go, please, don’t go, I can’t do this without you-but he stared at the door-the door that would lead Sungmin away from him-and he kept his mouth shut. The door that would lead him away from him was the very same door that would lead him to success.
“You’ll be amazing,” he said simply, pulling the older boy into his arms. He felt Sungmin’s hot tears on his shoulder when they rolled down his cheeks, and he clutched him back tightly. “We’ll both be amazing.”
“Tell me to stay…”
Kyuhyun pulled away and kissed him softly on the forehead. “I’ll Skype you this weekend.”
“Kyu…”
“C’mon, or your flight’s going to leave without you.” He took Sungmin by the shoulders and turned him around, making him face the door. “That noona is waiting to check your passport.”
“Don’t…” Sungmin was shaking, attempting to keep his crying at a minimum.
It took every ounce of strength that Kyuhyun had to give Sungmin that small push that he needed-that small push he needed to walk away from him.
But this time, when he did, he looked back. He looked back, and smiled.
It was only after he disappeared beyond the door that Kyuhyun allowed the tears to slip down his cheeks.
-
It goes like this:
Two men, who aren’t really men yet. Two boys, trapped in men’s bodies-fallen off the cliff of reason long ago, falling and falling and falling still. Two boys whose love crosses oceans.
“Don’t you have a schedule tomorrow? I’m worried for your health, Kyu…”
“Right, because eating a pint of ice cream every Saturday night before going to bed is any better?”
“Well, you dance that off, don’t you? You don’t look fat to me…”
“The cameramen just work really hard to keep me looking good, is all. Do you see how fat my face is now? I actually look like a panda in real life.”
“Oh-it’s okay, I guess. Pandas are cute.”
Two boys who are still struggling to overcome every obstacle that life throws their way. Two boys who go to bed alone in body, but not in mind.
Two boys that lost every single chance given to them.
Two boys that are fighting like hell to get it all back.
group: super junior
pairing: kyuhyun/sungmin
summary: if being selfish isn’t love, what is? because it isn’t being selfless-being selfless is just another word for being afraid.
notes: THIS IS SO LONG, SHOOT ME NOW. T__T (approximately 8000 words-you have been warned.)
suggested listening: in my dream - super junior k.r.y.
It goes like this:
Two boys, with muddy hands and bright eyes. Grown up together from the cradle, discovering everything together. Two boys with dreams and aspirations, who want to be something big. Two boys with unconditional hearts and overflowing love.
Two boys who miss their chance.
-
“Hyung!” Kyuhyun caught up to Sungmin, stopping to catch his breath.
“Oh, Kyuhyun! I was wondering where you were!” Sungmin grinned. “I thought you had some unexpected rehearsal, or something.”
“No…just finishing up a test.” Kyuhyun placed his hands on his waist, breathing in deeply. Out of the two, he was definitely not the athlete. “I’d tell you if I had a rehearsal.”
“Well, how was I supposed to know?” Sungmin laughed at Kyuhyun’s obvious lack of stamina, and slung an arm over his shoulder. “Let’s get some ice cream, then?” Kyuhyun rolled his eyes, wondering how much they had spent on ice cream this month alone.
“Again?”
“Why not?” Sungmin pulled him closer, until his arm was wrapped around his neck, pretending to choke him.
“Okay, okay, let’s go! Geez, you and your sweet tooth.”
The older boy laughed. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Kyuhyun could only smile, because he was the only person Sungmin ever went to have ice cream with.
-
“Kyuhyun, meet Sungmin.” His mother tugged him gently into the room, and he half hid behind his stuffed bear. “Come on, he won’t bite. Play with Sungmin-hyung for a while, while I go talk to his mommy, okay?” But before Kyuhyun could shake his head and say no, she was already gone.
The other boy in the room was playing with a ball, kicking it against the wall-quite well, Kyuhyun thought. But the mind of a four-year-old tended to be fuzzy at times.
When Sungmin noticed Kyuhyun in the room, he waved. “Hi!”
He just clutched his bear tighter. “Hi.”
Sungmin picked up his ball, and held it out to him. “Wanna play?”
-
“Another late night?” Kyuhyun asked at the sight of Sungmin in the morning, who would be going backwards if he was trudging any slower. The bags under his eyes were darkening each day, and honestly, Kyuhyun was worried that he would collapse spontaneously and just sleep.
Sungmin nodded, rubbing his eyes. “I swear, these are going to be the death of me.”
University entrance exams were coming up, and Sungmin wasn’t going to back down. While Kyuhyun still had a year left of high school, he had begun preparing for these exams weeks ago, studying until the late hours of the night every weekend. Monday mornings were the worst. On Sunday nights, before Kyuhyun went to bed, he would peek out his window to look at Sungmin’s house across the street, and see that his bedroom light was still on.
“No matter how much you study, you’re not going to do well if you pass out in the middle of the test,” he pointed out, tempting a smile out of the older boy.
“I’m going to study hard until the day before exams start. Then I’ll just sleep and not crack open another book.” Sungmin nodded, finding his solution. “You’ll cheer me on, right, Kyu?” He ruffled Kyuhyun’s hair, using the pet name that never failed to make Kyuhyun smile. He wished he’d use it more often; it made him feel special.
“I don’t know why I wouldn’t.”
“Good.”
After a few minutes of quiet walking, Kyuhyun asked, “You aren’t planning to stay here all through university, are you?” It was something that had been bothering him-but Sungmin never mentioned it, so he never pried.
The older boy blinked. “Why do you ask?”
“Well,” Kyuhyun shrugged, “if you want to be a soccer player, wouldn’t going to America be better than staying here?”
“Aw, do you want me to leave?” Sungmin asked jokingly, laughing. “I didn’t think you hated me that much!”
Kyuhyun’s smile was half-hearted at best. “Well, you need to do what’s best for you, right?”
Before academics, Sungmin loved soccer. It had been a fact since Kyuhyun had met him. When he wasn’t studying for his exams, he was out on the field, kicking the ball through goalposts, while Kyuhyun watched him from the bleachers, reading or doing his homework.
Kyuhyun, on the other hand, was an excellent singer and dancer. It was never something he wanted to pursue in the future, but Sungmin had convinced him otherwise, saying that talent like that shouldn’t be wasted. He considered the musicians, the bands that were currently present in Korea, and thought that maybe he had a shot-so his singing and dancing was what he utilized. He took voice lessons, and sometimes, Sungmin joined him when learning the dances of the most popular songs-it was something they both enjoyed doing.
Different as they were, they never failed to be together.
But of course, there was the thing called life. Kyuhyun was aware of it-they couldn’t be best friends forever. Not this way.
“Mm.” Sungmin looked up at the sky, thoughtful. “I’ll only go if you say it’s okay for me to go.”
Kyuhyun looked away. “Of course it’s okay.”
No, it’s not okay. It’s not okay at all.
-
Holding hands while crossing the street. Taking naps together. Stealing each other’s cookies, trading juice boxes when it was favorable for the both of them. This was what Kyuhyun remembered.
As they grew up, they realized that they could cross the street alone just fine. Naps were no longer necessary. Cookies were for babies, and juice became soda.
Middle school, and they were still trying to find where they fit in the world.
They were having lunch together on the roof of the school. The new school year just started, and it was a little chilly, so they sat closer together for warmth. Kyuhyun was telling Sungmin something unimportant, when suddenly, the older boy stopped him.
“What?” Kyuhyun asked, staring curiously at Sungmin’s embarrassed expression.
“Um, close your eyes for a second.”
“Why?”
“Just do it!” Sungmin’s cheeks were dusted with pink, and Kyuhyun narrowed his eyes suspiciously-but did as asked anyway.
It was a moment later when he realized that he was being kissed.
Kyuhyun stood up immediately-sending his food spilling all over the floor, wide-eyed and shocked. Sungmin looked up at him with confused eyes, and for the first time ever, he felt uncomfortable in his presence.
He rushed away without looking back.
-
“So I thought about what you said.” Sungmin threw a tennis ball at the wall repeatedly, catching it when it bounced back to him. “I think America might be my best option.”
Kyuhyun’s heart leapt to his throat. “That’s great.”
“It’s a little complicated though, since their school year starts in September. I already missed registration, so I’ll have to wait a few months.” The older boy smiled wryly. “I should’ve thought ahead for this, shouldn’t I? University’s…a big thing.”
Yeah. A big thing. A life-altering thing. Kyuhyun never really cared much about university, but now he hated it.
Sungmin coming over to Kyuhyun’s place wasn’t unusual. His room had a plethora of different games-they made Friday nights their game night. It had been a tradition since middle school. Sometimes, they went so late into the night that Sungmin just gave up and slept over. There was a spare toothbrush in the bathroom just for him, because it happened a fair number of times over the years. Every time Kyuhyun saw it in the morning, he would smile a little.
“So when will you be leaving, then?” he asked, hoping that he sounded nonchalant.
“Next summer, maybe? So we still have another nine months together.” When Sungmin looked at him, he smiled-that sweet smile that he had kept from his childhood. “You don’t need to worry too much yet.”
Kyuhyun laughed. “Another nine months of you constantly berating me?”
“Exactly!”
Nine months. Nine months is a long time. It’s enough time to prepare myself.
Sungmin moved off of the chair and onto the floor beside him, leaning against his bed and facing the television. Kyuhyun popped in the current game they were playing, and for the next few hours, all Kyuhyun could hear were the sounds of guns, grenades, dying men, and Sungmin saying that he really should give him a bigger handicap.
Kyuhyun was practical. He did things in the fastest and most efficient way possible. He practiced his singing and studied in school. He cleaned up after himself, and kept things organized simply because it would be a bother to look for lost items later. The only things he indulged himself in were his games-his games, and Sungmin.
Sungmin, who he grew up with, shared his entire life with. Before he knew worries, before he even knew how to speak in complete sentences, he knew Sungmin.
Kyuhyun was a practical person, but when it came to Sungmin, he was the most irrational. He became angry and green and frightening. He’d come to accept it now, but it wasn’t always like that. Always knowing nothing but complete control over himself, when Sungmin got his first girlfriend in the first year of high school, he couldn’t deal with himself. Especially not after thinking for two years that Sungmin was in love with him.
That was what that kiss meant, after all, right? You didn’t randomly kiss your best friend.
It was a little past midnight, now. They had long stopped gaming, but Kyuhyun hadn’t moved from his spot on the floor, because Sungmin was asleep on his shoulder. This happened almost every time he slept over, so he wasn’t surprised.
No matter what-if there was nothing left for Sungmin, he’d still be here.
Kyuhyun looked down at the older boy, breathing peacefully, and was tempted to smooth down his hair. He rethought his actions, though, and instead, woke him up.
“Hyung-c’mon, if you’re going to sleep, at least do it on the bed. You’ll hurt your neck like this.”
-
A week. It’d been one week-just seven days without talking to Sungmin-and Kyuhyun felt like he had lost a part of him.
He stood at Sungmin’s door, heart pounding in his chest. It had taken him a while-but he’d made his decision. He’d date Sungmin. He’d say yes, and make him smile like he did all those other times-make him happy, because he realized, that was all he wanted to do. Being only fourteen, Kyuhyun had never considered himself to be into boys-but it wasn’t so much that Sungmin was a boy, but more that he was just Sungmin.
Sungmin was his best friend. His childhood friend. No one would ever know him the way Sungmin did.
When the door opened, Kyuhyun was ready to say all that-but he never got a chance to. Sungmin appeared surprised that he was there, but once he got over that, he invited him in, and made him some tea. The older boy seemed fidgety-but after a few minutes of talking, things were like nothing had happened at all.
And that was exactly it-nothing happened at all.
Sungmin never gave Kyuhyun a chance to say anything regarding the matter. He never gave him a chance to say anything about it ever again.
Kyuhyun found himself wondering what had happened to him-what caused him to shut off like that. He supposed he’d never know, because once more, they were the best of friends, always doing anything and everything together.
And that was all they were. The best of friends.
-
Kyuhyun shook his head, exasperated. “Ranked in the top five in the entire school. Again. Hyung, you amaze me.”
Sungmin scratched his head, embarrassed. “It’s nothing, really. Just trying my best. I mean, hey-you ranked in the top ten!” He pointed at the sheet that was posted on the bulletin board.
“Right. Ninth. Because that’s so impressive, compared to you being ranked third.”
“Stop putting yourself down. Let’s go get some ice cream?”
“I’ll have you know that ice cream only cheers you up, not me.” But he still smiled and agreed, letting Sungmin drape his arm over his shoulders and lead his way through the crowd of students that were trying to get a look at the rankings.
They went to have ice cream at the same place every time. Over the years, they had tried every single flavor, and soon, the employees there came to recognize them even before they entered the shop. There was one time when Kyuhyun came alone, in hopes of finding Sungmin there, and one of the employees said that it was so odd to see him alone, because he was always with the older boy, wherever he went.
Was that how the rest of the world saw them? As guys who were always together?
They sat at the table in the very corner-the table they sat at every time-and talked over their ice cream.
“So yeah, I’ll come back and visit during the holidays, of course,” Sungmin was saying, sucking thoughtfully on his spoon. It was university again. Lately, all he’d been talking about was university-it was like this storm cloud that was constantly looming over Kyuhyun’s head, just waiting for the right moment to strike him with lightening. “It’s not like I’ll make any friends over there that can replace you.”
Kyuhyun couldn’t help but laugh a little. “There’s no one like me, I’ll give you that.” He reached for his napkin to wipe his mouth, but found that he didn’t have one.
“Oh, here.” Sungmin grabbed his napkin and brought it to Kyuhyun’s mouth, wiping off the bit of ice cream for him. The simple action sent butterflies straight to his stomach, and for a moment, he couldn’t move. Did Sungmin know the effect of his actions, or was it a simple gesture as a friend, to wipe the ice cream off of the corner of his mouth? Ever since that day in middle school, Kyuhyun never really knew anymore. He was never sure how to respond to him anymore.
(He always wondered what it’d be like to hold Sungmin’s hand, to kiss him chastely, tasting mango ice cream on his lips, to sleep beside him on his bed when he slept over, instead of sleeping on the floor. It was the simple things, the first steps of falling in love that he wanted to know.)
He smiled when Sungmin pulled away. “Thanks.”
“Oh, right!” The older boy blinked as he remembered something. “I saw this the other day, and I thought you’d be interested…” He dug around in his bag and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. “Here.”
Smoothing it out, Kyuhyun read the piece of paper. It was an audition to debut as a solo artist that was happening a month from now.
“A solo artist?” Kyuhyun laughed. “Can I really handle that?”
“Of course!” Sungmin smiled. “You’re really good at singing!”
“How would you know?”
“All those times we go to karaoke together? Just because I scream along, doesn’t mean I don’t listen to you.”
“Oh.” Kyuhyun scratched his face sheepishly. “I don’t know, though…” It wasn’t so much that he wasn’t confident in his skills-he knew he was good, but he didn’t know if he was good enough. That, and he’d always imagined that he’d be part of a band, not going solo. Being alone was a lot more stressful than being with others.
“Do it, do it! Sing that ballad that you sang for me last week!”
He stared at the ad in his hands. “I’ll…think about it.”
“Don’t just think, do! Only a certain number of people are allowed to register, so you should do it before all the spots are taken up! C’mon, Kyu, this might be your best shot!”
When he looked at Sungmin and his excited expression, heard him say his pet name-could Kyuhyun really say no?
Resting his chin in the palm of his hand, he said, “Only if you agree to treat me to dinner afterwards.”
“Huh? Why do I have to do that?”
“To make me feel better after a terrible performance, obviously.”
Sungmin leaned back in his chair and laughed. “That’s stupid! You never give a terrible performance. You’re great, really-you just need to actually believe that.” He smiled. “But I’ll treat you to dinner anyway. It’s been a while since the last time.”
“I look forward to it, then.” Dinner with Sungmin always made Kyuhyun happy.
Nine months-could he really go through nine months like this? Nine months of the same friendship that had always been there for over a decade, of ice cream and dinners, of almost-intimacy? What if…what if Sungmin still felt the way he did all those years ago, when he kissed him? Would they be missing out on nine months of something wonderful?
December was finally here, and the air was chillier now, reminding Kyuhyun of Christmas. Right, Christmas. He hadn’t thought of a gift for Sungmin yet.
Glancing at his watch, the older boy sighed. “Sorry, Kyuhyun, I have to leave early tonight. It’s my mom’s birthday, so I can’t miss it…”
“Oh, yeah, of course.” Kyuhyun nodded. “Tell her I wish her a happy birthday.”
“Of course!” Paying for his ice cream, Sungmin headed towards the door, waving. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”
“See you!”
Kyuhyun was left alone in the ice cream shop, idly mixing the now melted cappuccino ice cream. He heard the shop’s background music for the first time, and marveled at how he could just tune everything else out when he was with Sungmin.
Nine months of this, huh?
It was better than nothing at all, he supposed. After all, being with Sungmin was much better than being alone.
-
“A girlfriend?” Kyuhyun stared at his best friend disbelievingly.
“She’s a good person,” Sungmin said happily. “Smart, funny, considerate…I’m lucky she even accepted me.” Kyuhyun had no idea what to think. All this time, he thought that Sungmin was interested in him-
We learn something new every day.
“I have a date with her tonight,” the older boy continued happily. “I’m taking her to a movie.”
“Tonight? But today’s Friday.”
Pause. “Wow, that totally slipped my mind! Sorry, Kyu-next week?”
It was the first time Sungmin had ever skipped out on game night. He was skipping out on game night for a girl. Kyuhyun couldn’t even begin to describe the tsunami of feelings that were overwhelming him right then.
Masking all of it, he smiled. “Yeah, that’s fine. Have fun tonight.”
“I’ll tell you all about it afterwards!”
That night, Kyuhyun lay in bed, staring idly at the ceiling, wondering if the older boy had gotten home yet. Somehow, Friday just wasn’t Friday without him. But there was someone else in Sungmin’s life now-someone that might outrank Kyuhyun-and he didn’t know how to feel about it. He was definitely happy-how could he not be, when Sungmin smiled the way he did-but the creeping voice in the back of his mind whispered to him that he didn’t like it-that he was jealous, that he wanted Sungmin all for himself.
If only he didn’t push him away when he kissed him. If only he’d stayed, and given him a more positive reaction.
But the truth was, Kyuhyun was just surprised. He had never considered that Sungmin would think of him in that way, so in turn, he never thought about it either. He just didn’t know how to react, and ran. It didn’t mean that he didn’t like it.
But that didn’t matter now, did it?
-
“What’s that?” Sungmin asked, pointing at the envelope on Kyuhyun’s hand. “That’s not another love letter, is it?”
“Oh. Yeah, it is.” Kyuhyun held it up and inspected the envelope. “One year my junior.”
“And how many have you received in your life?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I can count, I guess.” Although Kyuhyun was never interested in the girls that gave him love letters (because it was Sungmin-it had always been Sungmin), he took the time to read them when he was alone, and kept each one. It was just something small that he could do, to make up for not being able to make each of them happy. “How many have you gotten?”
Sungmin shrugged. “Less than you, I think. Out of the two of us, you’re the prettier one.”
“Yeah, right.” Kyuhyun laughed, pushing the other boy playfully. “You’re really admirable, you know.”
The two boys were rather popular throughout the school. Kyuhyun actually wasn’t sure why-he and Sungmin never really talked to others outside their close circle of friends. But then again, they always ranked in the top ten for marks, Sungmin played soccer, and Kyuhyun participated in the school choir and got quite a few solos-so maybe they were considered the cool, quiet type. Not that either of them particularly cared about their reputation, though.
“Actually, have you considered getting a girlfriend? You’ve never had one before, right?”
“Ah…” Kyuhyun looked at a tree in the distance-it was suddenly just so interesting.
“Ha, you’re embarrassed!” Sungmin exclaimed. “You’re too shy to get one!”
No, you moron-more like you’re all I can think about. “I just want my first to be special, I guess. I don’t want to just get one for the sake of getting one.”
“I guess that’s true. You haven’t mentioned any girls that you’ve liked, though. Have you never liked anyone before?”
Just you. “No, no one.”
“Wow, you’re weird. You don’t think anyone’s pretty?”
You’re pretty. “No one that strikes me as gorgeous, I guess.”
“Oh.” Sungmin paused. “Do you know who I think is pretty?”
“Who?” Kyuhyun asked offhandedly, assuming that he’d say one of his favorite actresses, or something.
“You.”
There was a moment of silence, and he stared at Sungmin in befuddlement. “Me? That really isn’t something you should tell a guy, you know. It hurts his pride.”
“Well, it’s true, though.” The older boy shrugged. “You have really long eyelashes, and your face is long, too…and you know that hair you had back in middle school, when it was longer? Yeah, that made you look really pretty.” He smiled, like saying this was nothing-as if pretending that he didn’t know what effect his words had on him.
“Oh. Uh, thanks, I guess.” Kyuhyun had to look away, in fear that Sungmin would notice his blushing. “You’re…kind of cute, too.”
“Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t, though. I don’t even look my age.”
“It’s okay, I like you just the way you are.” He put his arm around Kyuhyun’s shoulders, and Kyuhyun found it a little bittersweet. None of these compliments, none of this time spent together meant anything more than friendship to Sungmin, did it?
He still regretted running away, even to this very day.
“Sungmin.” He stopped walking, and turned to face his best friend. “I’m right here.”
Sungmin blinked. “Uh, okay?”
“What I mean is”-well, really, he had no idea what he meant-he didn’t even know what he was saying-“if you ever need anything. Choose me. I’ll be here, even when no one else is.”
And the biggest smile blossomed on Sungmin’s face. His eyes crinkled in the way that Kyuhyun loved, and he pulled him into a hug. “Thanks, Kyu,” the older boy whispered, wrapping his arms tightly around him. “It really means a lot, to hear you say that.”
Still a little surprised, Kyuhyun returned the hug. He could smell Sungmin’s shampoo in his hair. “Yeah, anytime.” He couldn’t ever remember being this physically close to Sungmin before-it made his heart pound, but at the same time, brought unexplainable peace to him. He could feel Sungmin breathing, could feel that he was right there with him-and the rest of the world melted away.
But the older boy pulled away and scratched his cheek, embarrassed. “Right. Let’s go home?”
And Kyuhyun happily obliged.
-
“I don’t even know why you’re so cold to me!” Sungmin shouted. “Every time I mention her, it’s like you don’t want to talk to me anymore!”
“Maybe I wouldn’t mind so much if she wasn’t all you talked about!” Kyuhyun retaliated. He could never remember arguing the way he was right now. Even when he was angry, when he was furious-he would never raise his voice and make a scene. That just wasn’t what he did.
But now-right now, it took everything in him not to break the next thing that moved.
(And Sungmin. He half wanted to break Sungmin, too, for making him feel this way.)
“If I didn’t know better, Kyuhyun, I’d think you were jealous!” Sungmin’s voice cracked, and his words hung in the air, heavy and suffocating.
Jealous?
Kyuhyun swallowed. “Yeah, so I’m jealous. So what? Not like I matter to you anymore.”
Sungmin’s voice was painfully soft. “Of course you matter. You…you’ve always mattered. More than anyone else. More than some girl.” Kyuhyun stared at him, at a loss for words.
“Then why are you even with her?”
He looked at him, dark eyes unreadable. “Because I want to be happy. Is that so wrong?”
Kyuhyun looked away. “No, not at all.”
One week later, Sungmin broke up with his girlfriend. He never told Kyuhyun why.
-
Christmas break, and they did what they did best-hide out in Kyuhyun’s room.
They were sitting on his bed, backs against the wall, watching one of Sungmin’s favorite romantic comedies. Kyuhyun had seen it so many times that he could recite the lines if he wanted-but he never complained, because Sungmin liked it so much.
After the first half an hour of so, the older boy sighed and shifted, so he was resting his head on Kyuhyun’s shoulder. He froze for a moment, but it wasn’t something too out of the ordinary from what he’d normally do, so he brushed it off, and returned his attention back to the screen.
“I don’t really want to grow up,” Sungmin said suddenly. “I mean, I love soccer, but I don’t really want to go overseas for it. I like life the way it is now.”
(Studying hard in school. Going to the choir concerts. Doing homework in the bleachers, ice cream, Friday nights-that was life right now. A collection of little things that came together to make something so big.)
“If you don’t want to go, then don’t,” Kyuhyun told him. It was a simple solution.
“But you said I should, because it’d be the best for me.”
“And since when did you let me decide everything for you?” He stared at the television screen, not really watching. It was the topic of university again. He was beginning to hate it more and more-it made neither of them happy.
“Well, you’ve always been the more logical out of the two of us.” Sungmin laughed a little. “I’m always irrational. Irrational and afraid.”
Kyuhyun turned to look down at him, and his hair brushed his cheek. Sungmin glanced up, and their eyes locked for a frightening moment. It wasn’t frightening because this was the first time that it happened-it was frightening because Kyuhyun saw something in Sungmin’s expression that he had never seen before.
Just tell me to stay. Tell me, and I’ll do it.
He looked away, before his selfishness got the better of him. “You need to do what you think is best, Hyung.”
He knew that Sungmin hated the indifference that he expressed. He hated it, too.
“I…” Kyuhyun sighed. “I don’t want to grow up, either.”
And that was as close as he was going to get to asking Sungmin to stay.
-
“That…” Kyuhyun pointed at Sungmin’s phone, when he pulled it out to send a message.
“Oh, this?” He shook the charm that his ex-girlfriend had gotten for him. “It’s nice. And I mean, it wasn’t like she was a bad girl. She was good. She really was good.”
“Then why did you…?”
Sungmin looked away. “I guess we just weren’t compatible.”
Kyuhyun wasn’t sure what to believe, because when he last saw them together, they seemed pretty happy and compatible. They were holding hands and laughing and doing all of those cute couple things that Kyuhyun desperately wanted to do with Sungmin himself.
He just shrugged. “If you say so.”
“Things are fine the way they are now.” The older boy smiled. “As long as I have Kyu, I don’t need anything else.”
Kyuhyun laughed. “I’d like to hear you say that five years from now.”
-
Christmas came and went, and so did New Year’s. Kyuhyun started his last year of high school, and Sungmin got a part time job to pass the time. Life went on, as it tended to do, and they quickly got used to their new routine.
“There’s this girl at my workplace,” Sungmin was saying one day as he walked home with Kyuhyun. “She’s kind of cute.”
(He came and picked him up from school when he could, for the sake of keeping things as similar as he could to before.)
“Mm? And what about her?”
“This might be a little bit arrogant for me to say, but…I think she’s interested in me.”
Kyuhyun laughed. “I wouldn’t be surprised, Hyung. You might not think it, but a lot of girls do like you. Not all of them have the courage to tell you, is all.”
“No, but she made some really uncomfortable advances! Like, I’d be on my lunch break, and then suddenly, she’d come up behind me and hug me like this!” And he simulated the experience for Kyuhyun, wrapping his arms around his torso from behind. “I mean, not that I don’t do it all the time with you or some other close friends, but I barely know her, y’know? And you know how I almost never hug girls.”
“So? Do you like her?” At this point, Kyuhyun wasn’t really worried; the tone in which Sungmin was speaking conveyed that he wasn’t interested in her in the least.
“Not at all. I don’t like girls who make advances like that-it’s like they have no class at all. And anyway, the guy should make the first move, don’t you think? It’s the twenty-first century, but chivalry should still exist.”
“So you’re saying,” Kyuhyun said, poking fun at him, “that you like shy girls who don’t talk.”
“You know that’s not it!” Sungmin playfully punched him. “I just can’t find anyone right for me that’ll want to be with me.”
“You’re just being modest.” I’d choose you over anyone else, time and time again.
“Heh, maybe.” The older boy rubbed his neck sheepishly.
It’d be wrong to say I wanted to marry you, right? We practically live together, do everything together, and know each other’s quirks. All that’s left is the promise of forever.
When Kyuhyun looked at Sungmin, who was humming as he walked, he was overcome with the terrible urge to hold his hand. It was something completely innocent and chaste, but something that he had thought of for years, now. They occasionally grabbed each others’ fingers when pulling the other in one direction, or in the middle of laughing fits when they needed something to hold onto, but it was never anything intimate.
Sungmin had nice hands, Kyuhyun thought. Hands that were made to caress, to love.
He wanted those hands all to himself.
-
“Hey, Kyu,” Sungmin asked one night as they were lying quietly in Kyuhyun’s room. The lights were off, and like usual, Sungmin was on the bed while Kyuhyun took the floor. “What do you want your life to be like?”
“What makes you ask that?” Kyuhyun hadn’t really thought about it before-but really, the answer wasn’t hard. He’d want it to stay the way it was. It didn’t matter what he was doing, as long as he was doing it with Sungmin-as long as, at the end of the day, he could tell Sungmin about it. He didn’t care about anything else.
“I don’t know. I guess…I just don’t know what I want. Maybe if I like what you want to do, I’ll just copy your idea.”
Kyuhyun laughed softly. “I don’t think it works like that.” He paused, wondering how to word it. “I don’t want anything big, I don’t think. Just maybe a steady lifestyle, performing for people…and eventually marry the person I love, and just leisurely spend the rest of my time with that person.”
“The person you love? Who’s that?”
“I don’t know-maybe I’ll meet him soon?”
“Aha! Him! It’s a boy!”
“What are you talking about?” Kyuhyun was thankful for the darkness that enveloped them, or else Sungmin would see the faint blush that dusted his cheeks.
“You said the person, not a person. And you’re sure it’s a boy. Who do you love?”
“No one! And of course I’d say the person-it’s not like I’m going to choose one out of the several that I can tolerate.” He rolled over and pressed his cheek to his pillow, wondering what Sungmin was thinking right now-if he had finally caught on. Kyuhyun wondered to himself why, actually, he hadn’t told Sungmin, even after so long. Was it because he felt like it’d be selfish to do so? After hurting the older boy so many years ago, it would be stupid to try to make himself happy now.
It was silent for a moment. “Why won’t you tell me, Kyu? Shouldn’t I deserve to know?” His words caught Kyuhyun off guard, and he didn’t know what to say.
“It’s not that I don’t want to…” He curled into himself, pulling his sheets closer.
It’s just that I can’t.
-
And nine months passed like that. It was fast-painfully fast-and not quite as long as Kyuhyun had predicted. Nine months had passed, and he still wasn’t prepared for Sungmin’s departure.
At this point, he didn’t even want anything. He just wanted to know how Sungmin felt about him. He didn’t want his best friend to leave for the other side of the world without at least resolving their feelings. He couldn’t be left hanging like that. Kyuhyun was a strong person, but after withstanding years of not knowing, he was surely going to break soon.
It was a week until Sungmin’s scheduled flight to the states. He had everything ready-he was going to live with some relatives over there, and go to a soccer school. He’d be there for two years, at least.
At least.
They sat on his bed now, watching that romantic comedy again-Sungmin’s head on his shoulder. It was quiet, and Kyuhyun tried to engrave this moment in his mind forever: Sungmin’s warmth, Sungmin’s breathing, Sungmin’s scent-it was funny, how you never really thought about the things that had always been by your side until they were about to leave you.
He blinked in surprise when he heard the older boy sniff. “Hyung?” And what sent him reeling into a deeper state of confusion was when Sungmin’s hand rested on top of his, clutching tightly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m scared, Kyu.” The older boy sounded nothing short of broken, and Kyuhyun’s heart clenched at that. “I don’t want to be in a place where they speak a language that I can hardly even grasp.” He was trembling to keep his crying at a minimum. Kyuhyun wanted to go to his desk and retrieve the tissue box sitting there, but Sungmin was completely supporting himself on him, hand clutching his tightly-so he didn’t dare move.
“You can’t stay here forever, Hyung,” he said gently. “We all have to grow up.”
“I want to grow up here!”
Kyuhyun stared at the ceiling, at a loss. “Remember when I went to audition to debut as a solo artist?” Sungmin nodded, but said nothing. “They said they were that close to choosing me, right?” Nod. “Well, even after you leave, I’m going to join every audition out there, whether it’s for debuting solo, or in a group. I’ll get the proper training, and soon, you’ll see my face everywhere, even where you are. I’ll be trying hard too, so don’t you give up either.”
Sungmin remained quiet. Kyuhyun didn’t know what else he could say to make him feel better, so he turned his hand so their palms pressed against each other, and their fingers intertwined. It was the first time they had held hands so intimately, and his heart jumped to his throat.
“If you keep on crying,” he said awkwardly, “I’m not going to know what to do.”
“Just do what you do best,” Sungmin said, sniffing. “Be there when no one else is.”
And so Kyuhyun did just that. He ran his thumb over his knuckles, reached over and smoothed down his hair, wiped away some of his tears. This was the first time he had seen Sungmin so vulnerable. He had seen him cry before-from a broken ankle, from an argument with his mother-but never before had he fallen apart so completely. Sometimes, he wondered who was really the older one here-but upon further reflection, it really was Sungmin. Sungmin was the one who knew what he wanted, who had the resolve to do it-he just needed that little push. And where did that leave Kyuhyun? Out in the middle of nowhere, not knowing where to go, or how to even start.
(Because without Sungmin there with him, he was completely lost.)
Eventually, the older boy stopped crying, and they continued to sit in silence, watching the movie that was still playing. Neither of them pulled their hands away from each other.
Sungmin was leaving in a week, Kyuhyun thought to himself. Sungmin was leaving in a week.
“Hyung,” he said, suddenly feeling like he needed to do something to change things. He straightened up, causing Sungmin’s head to leave his shoulder, and pulled his hand away as well.
(Nine months, and he finally broke.)
“Mm?” Sungmin rolled his shoulders and stretched his arms out.
“I…” Kyuhyun paused, wondering when it was that he had lost his mind. “I’m not going to run this time.” And before he could give Sungmin time to think, to even breathe, he leaned in, tilted his head, and kissed him.
He was only half surprised when Sungmin responded immediately. The older boy was pressed against the wall, and Kyuhyun had actually pulled his neck muscle while turning to align their mouths-but that was okay, because he was responding, because was kissing him back. It felt like that day in middle school again, with the chilly wind blowing around them, sending goosebumps along their skin, making them sit closer together. It felt like things were finally going the way they were supposed to.
Kyuhyun had no idea why he didn’t do this sooner.
“Kyu,” Sungmin gasped, turning away. “What are you doing?”
He blinked. “Kissing you.”
“No, I know that. But…why?”
Kyuhyun pulled away, exhaling, exasperated. Had they accomplished nothing here? “Because I love you,” he said, with a certain amount of confidence. He had always scoffed at the people who threw around the word love so easily-but he knew this was it-it had to be it, because only love could last this long.
Her heard Sungmin swallow. “Isn’t it a little late for that?”
“What do you mean?”
“I gave you years, Kyu! I gave you years, and you only tell me now?”
“You didn’t give me years,” Kyuhyun snapped, suddenly frustrated. “You didn’t give me anything!” If he knew Sungmin’s heart belonged to him, he would’ve done this a long time ago. Did he think that he liked this constant state of wondering what he was thinking?
“I gave you years!” Sungmin repeated with resolution. “The moment I was single again was the moment I started waiting for you!”
“How was I supposed to know?”
“So you didn’t! So you had no idea that I broke up with her because of you! Well, you know what, Kyuhyun? People take risks! That’s what I did when I kissed you back then-but you, you were so scared that things might’ve fallen apart if I didn’t feel the same way about you, so you just let things drag on like this-you didn’t even trust our decade of friendship enough to think that we could overcome something like that!” Sungmin’s eyes were glassy with angry tears. “That’s the only thing I hate about you, Kyu. You’re a coward.”
And he got off the bed, grabbed his bag, and left the room. Left him, the way Kyuhyun left him so many years ago. But the difference was, he wasn’t running away.
He was walking out with his chin held high.
-
“Let’s get married one day.” Even at seven years old, Kyuhyun knew that it was a little weird for a boy to be saying that to another boy.
“But we’re both boys,” he pointed out to Sungmin. “Let’s marry girls, and be best friends forever!”
“No! I want to marry you!” Sungmin clutched his ball tightly to his chest. “No girl can be prettier than you!”
Weird. Sungmin was definitely weird. But with the way he was pouting, Kyuhyun wasn’t sure why he should say no. Marrying him would be okay too, he guessed-he was kind of cool to hang out with.
“Fine, we’ll get married one day.”
“Great! Pinky promise?”
Pause. “Fine.”
-
Kyuhyun stared at his digital clock on his bedside table. 2:17 PM. It was 2:17 on a Saturday afternoon, and he still hadn’t gotten out of bed yet.
Sungmin’s flight was at 3:30. They hadn’t spoken in a week.
Kyuhyun was afraid. Kyuhyun was afraid, and Sungmin was totally right. Every word he had said was completely true. Kyuhyun was a coward. And he still was. He was hiding in his bed, hiding under the covers-doing it even when he knew it was completely useless anyway, because he couldn’t hide from himself.
What was he doing? In the time that he had wasted, what had he done?
He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in deeply. He couldn’t hide anymore. He couldn’t sit around, waiting for something to happen. He was going to make things right.
And so with that thought, Kyuhyun stepped out of bed, and got dressed.
-
Sungmin was asleep in his seat with his suitcase beside him when Kyuhyun finally found him. And when he did, it felt like he couldn’t move another inch-his entire body froze, and his mind blanked. Everything that he wanted to say just disappeared. He forgot it all.
Sungmin was right there, sleeping as if it was just another day. It wasn’t just another day.
Today was the day that he was leaving Kyuhyun. Today was the day that they were separating, after years and years of friendship and almost-love. Kyuhyun felt his throat close up, but he willed himself not to cry-he couldn’t let that be the last thing Sungmin saw of him. Kyuhyun had never wanted Sungmin to see his weak side, his ugly side.
He stood there for God knew how long, until an announcement was made that the flight from Seoul to Vancouver would be departing in fifteen minutes. Kyuhyun was almost afraid that Sungmin wouldn’t catch it, because he had always been a heavy sleeper-but within moments, his eyes fluttered open, and he stretched, standing up.
Move. Fear gripped Kyuhyun’s ankles, whispering at him from the shadows. Move, dammit.
Sungmin pulled out his passport and boarding pass, grabbed his suitcase, and headed to the desk where they would check his information and allow him on board. Kyuhyun clenched his hands, nails digging so hard until his palms that they could tear his skin.
Are you going to be a coward until they very end?
The older boy was two steps away from the desk when he stopped, and as if on one last leap of faith, did a scan of the area, as if looking for something. Letting himself hope one last time that Kyuhyun had finally stepped up and did something that was beyond what was considered safe.
They stared at each other for a moment. Just looking at Sungmin made fear’s icy grip slither away, and he walked with earnest steps towards him.
“I’m not going to ask you for anything,” he said in a rush, words tumbling out so fast that he wasn’t sure if they even made sense. “I just want you to know what I’ve never loved anyone but you-and there’s never going to be anyone but you. And I know I’m the worst almost-boyfriend ever, but I swear, I’ll e-mail you every day, and on weekends, I’ll stay up way past midnight so I can talk to you on Skype. I’ll get better at singing, and when I’m famous, I’m going to dedicate every single love ballad to you. And when you make it into the big league, even if I can’t be at your games in person, I’m going to watch all of them on TV. I promise.” He swallowed. “I’m not asking for you to hold on for me, Hyung, because that wouldn’t be fair. But I know I’m not going to stop loving you.”
Sungmin’s eyes were wide. “Tell me to stay, Kyu,” he whispered, voice barely audible. “Tell me to stay. As long as I have you, I don’t need anything else.”
And the words were right there-don’t go, please, don’t go, I can’t do this without you-but he stared at the door-the door that would lead Sungmin away from him-and he kept his mouth shut. The door that would lead him away from him was the very same door that would lead him to success.
“You’ll be amazing,” he said simply, pulling the older boy into his arms. He felt Sungmin’s hot tears on his shoulder when they rolled down his cheeks, and he clutched him back tightly. “We’ll both be amazing.”
“Tell me to stay…”
Kyuhyun pulled away and kissed him softly on the forehead. “I’ll Skype you this weekend.”
“Kyu…”
“C’mon, or your flight’s going to leave without you.” He took Sungmin by the shoulders and turned him around, making him face the door. “That noona is waiting to check your passport.”
“Don’t…” Sungmin was shaking, attempting to keep his crying at a minimum.
It took every ounce of strength that Kyuhyun had to give Sungmin that small push that he needed-that small push he needed to walk away from him.
But this time, when he did, he looked back. He looked back, and smiled.
It was only after he disappeared beyond the door that Kyuhyun allowed the tears to slip down his cheeks.
-
It goes like this:
Two men, who aren’t really men yet. Two boys, trapped in men’s bodies-fallen off the cliff of reason long ago, falling and falling and falling still. Two boys whose love crosses oceans.
“Don’t you have a schedule tomorrow? I’m worried for your health, Kyu…”
“Right, because eating a pint of ice cream every Saturday night before going to bed is any better?”
“Well, you dance that off, don’t you? You don’t look fat to me…”
“The cameramen just work really hard to keep me looking good, is all. Do you see how fat my face is now? I actually look like a panda in real life.”
“Oh-it’s okay, I guess. Pandas are cute.”
Two boys who are still struggling to overcome every obstacle that life throws their way. Two boys who go to bed alone in body, but not in mind.
Two boys that lost every single chance given to them.
Two boys that are fighting like hell to get it all back.