CHRONIC i n s o m n i a; FULL DIRU. Short version. PART 1
Chronic insomnia complete.
Synopsis: The story of five young teens whom have all been diagnosed different disorders. Will they be able to win over these horrible attitudes or will it get the best of them?
CHRONIC I s o m n I a [one DIRU]
There he is again. Sitting there by the bench. Yeah, that kid, isn't he strange? I wonder what his parents think of him. I heard they disowned him, he was that weird. Well who blames them, I wouldn’t want him.
Want him.
Those words, used over and over again. Printed in his mind. This young boy, yes, he wasn’t a very wanted child. Not at all, though he grew up to ignore those jeering voices. He only took in what he needed to hear. The many horrible things passed by him like no ones business. Why should any human being be treated like this? In some turmoil and hatred. The fact was… he has done nothing wrong. What so ever.
This boy is called Kyo. Kyo niimura. Originally named Tooru but once his parents left, he moved from his birth town, Kyoto and tried to mask a new life for himself. Resulting in everything changing. Even his own name. All of this is a hope, deep for Kyo, that he can be seen, as a normal individual at last.
Or Not.
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“FUCK. LEAVE ME ALONE. FUCK OFF, WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?!”
Kyo flung anything his hands could grasp, smashing them against his mirror, wall and even the door. From vases to picture frames, jars and cans lay a mess around his dorm room. He cringed, pulling handfuls of his bleached blonde hair into his fists, crouching down on his knees, rocking forward, eyes bloodshot and wide in fear. He exhaled through his teeth, his posture shaky and spine showing through his thin shirt. His voice was broken and tearful but filled with a strong sense of anger.
“Why…..why do you never go away? Why……I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!”
Defeated, Kyo cradled his body in a foetus position, chin rested on his knees that were now currently being used as a tissue to absorb his newly cried tears. A tingling feeling went through his head, causing his eyelids to close shut and his body to fall with a thud onto the dirty wooden floor.
How time passes by. Every day, every minute, the same exact thing happens to Kyo in his day to day life. The waking, the seeing, collapsing then passing out. A normal routine he has had to put up with for these past 18 years. Every episode had it’s turn and effect. Some more darker than others which he could just shrug off, but ones like those, he cannot surpass.
“ I can see you. Yeah, exactly. Stop following me, I don’t have time.”
Kyo walked down the city’s main street, a lonely cigarette held firmly between his fingers, smoke lingering within the wind. His eyes darted from the windows he passed to the people who innocently walked the streets.
“Lowlifes. Haven’t they got anything better to do than watch me, comment me, reject me.”
The stern look on Kyo’s face did not fade nor did it change one bit. Though to the human eye nothing could be seen but to the mind, there was much more to be said of his appearance. A young college student with many problems, neglect and suffering from the suffocation of much needed socialism that could not be given.
Using his foot he brutally kicked a stone repeatedly as he strolled down the path, kick, clunk, kick, clunk, kick, clang. Stone gone and easily forgotten but for some reason, Kyo felt the need to sprint, grab the stone out of the sewage and befriend it. Tell it he was sorry and that it is not alone. However, he did not because that would be wrong of him. To ruin his newly found reputation that he could not risk to loose. He eyed the drain, seeing the stone sink into the raw dirty liquid and mouthed an apology, his eyes watering. He ran at a rapid speed, so suddenly that everyone stared at the back of the boy, his face covered perfectly as his teeth clenched tight.
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So many faces, so many opinions could be towards me. How to react, speak and walk. Everyone is saying something about me, what do I do? Is this going to embarrass me or humiliate my well-being? What actions must I take to avoid this? Avoid them, yes. Just avoid everyone, hide yourself deep with the shadows. No one will bother you.
Here walks another young boy, probably just a year younger than Kyo himself. His name is Shinya. Shinya Terachi. From puberty Shinya had suddenly taken a bad case of Social Anxiety. A disorder rarely known but to most people it was put as ‘Very shy person’. Shinya had never been an enclosed child but whenever he got into high school he suddenly shut himself away from others and any other type of social contact.
And now here he was, in his last year of high school. Hoping to pass his final exams and get into a good college/ university. It was more for the purpose to help himself get adjusted to the bigger and fearful world. He didn’t want to stay the same way his entire life. He had dreams, just like anyone else.
“It’s fine. Just walk by like every other day. Don’t make eye contact. You’re fine.”
No, it’s not. They’re watching you when you’re not looking. It burns like a cigarette being planted into your back. It burns, hurts. Look, keep your guard up. No, they’re talking about you. Quick, quick, get away, FAST, GO. NOW.
Trembling, Shinya ran into the music room, leaning his back against it. Sweat streamed down his forehead as he tried to catch his breath. He rubbed his back against the cold wood the door was made from, as if trying to get rid of the burning sensation imprinted on his back like the image in his head.
He slid down it, a hand resting on his stomach and the other clasping over his mouth. The feeling of sickness coming up his throat, tears burned his eyes as he muffled a silent cry to himself. Another hand came from in front of him to rest on top of his head, gently caressing his dirty fair locks. Shinya closed his eyes, not knowing how to react to this feeling or gesture. It was something he would generally have taken a panic attack over but right now he did not. He threw up all from his stomach.
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“Look at you. You’re horrible. Everyone agrees. You sick, pathetic creature of a being. No one wants you, no one likes you. You’re revolting and a disgrace to mankind. What’s wrong with you, huh? You sick, sick bastard.”
Standing in front of a mirror with a bottle of pills and a 10 glass of vodka was Toshiya. Toshiya Hara. Also known as Toshimara. He is a young teenager of the age of 18 and seems to be going through hard times. Although he isn’t anti social to people around him, hence being known as a drama queen, he has a horrible nature of changing his moods in an instant. As if there’s a chemical imbalance in his brain that causes these moods to happen and even, at most dangerous times, lead to himself threatening to take his own life. This can be seen as a serious disorder of Emotional Dysregulation. A poorly modulated response in the emotional status of someone.
Toshiya has been going through this or ‘stage of his life’ for a few good years now. It only truly kicked into his system when he started going out into the public more. Something in his mind triggered this and it could not hold it in anymore. As if it was some painful experience. Though he enjoyed being around people and having fun, having all the attention on him. He did act, like nothing was actually wrong with him.
“ God, you deserve to die! What do you do, people treat you nicely and with respect and all you do is give back cheek, throw tantrums. You’re so aggressive and I’m sick of it!”
He threw in a handful of pills then chugged down all the vodka possible without upchucking on the spot. Smashing the glass down he walked on it, ignoring the pain throbbing through his body. His vision was blurred as his balance was unsteady. Using his hands he grasped onto the top banister of the 4th floor stairs, putting all of his weight onto it. There was a high pitched ringing in his ears as he let go of the wood, throwing his body down the flight of cement stairs.
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THUD.
He lay sprawled out, legs hanging on his bed as his upper body collided with the cold floor. He expression was blank. Not annoyed, angry or just… anything. Pulling the rest of himself onto the ground he lifted his body up with what self control he even had, lazily walking over to the mirror to examine himself.
“Mnmm….Still there.”
Rubbing his shoulder he murmured to himself, walking away in slight disgust at his own image. This young adult is Kaoru. Kaoru Niikura. He is a student in his second year attending a local university. He hasn’t always been the most social person in the world, in fact he’s not social, at all to be honest. It started when he was about 14 years old. He obtained a conduct disorder and now being 19 years of age, Kaoru’s disorder has defined itself into a personality disease. Known as Antisocial Personality disorder. Worst of all, his disease was soon effected by OCD. The obsessive compulsive urge to do things a number of times. In Kaoru’s case it was to hit or break something a certain amount of times before he left somewhere.
It’s been tough for Kaoru throughout these many years. The inability to keep a job, lack of realistic goals to be kept, Narcissism, that persistent agitated feeling along with strong aggression issues. All of this has had a huge impact on Kaoru’s life but to be blunt, he looks like any young guy. It’s when you get to know or try and get to him, you realise what he really is.
“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.”
SMASH.
Shattered, the earlier used mirror broke into numerous shards as Kaoru violently threw his shoe at it in anger. Walking back into the room he looked at the mess and a gloomy expression took over his face. He lifted his shoe, emptying any loose bits of glass that managed to get into it and stuck it on his bare foot.
“Stupid fucking mirror. Shouldn’t have been in the way.”
With that, Kaoru kicked the end of his bed before leaving the apartment, but yet he ran back in, kicked the bed again then left. Then again, again and finally he left. He lived on the universities campus, meaning he shared with a few other students. Obviously they avoided him and his aggressive behaviour. All but one who just so happened to get used to his ways.
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In the music room he continued to pat the young boy’s hair who seemed to still be crying. Before he could say a word of comfort he heard a splutter and a rough cough. Looking down he saw that the boy had just vomited onto the carpet of the room, tears still flowing down his flushed cheeks. In a flash he ran from the scene, leaving the boy to sit in his own bodily fluids. He felt bad but he needed to get back or go somewhere to get rid of his need.
He ran into the closest toilet, locked the door and gripped onto the seat with one hand as he used two fingers on the other hand to poke down his throat. Once done far enough, he quickly pulled them out, emptying the contents of his stomach. His body shook violently from the impact there was on him as he continued.
This young man we have is known as Daisuke. Daisuke Ando. He likes to refer himself as ‘Die’. Everyone took it as a cool nickname but realistically. It’s Die-T. Daisuke has a disorder commonly known as Anorexia Nervosa. He despises his body weight and continuously makes himself sick to make himself feel a little bit better about himself. Of course he has many admirers, probably because no one knows about this matter. Just take it that he is a slim, nice looking guy with a normal personality. However he isn’t all that normal. He has a fear of gaining weight and being seen as ‘fat’ or ‘revolting’.
“Eugh…….I think that’s it.”
Pushing himself off the floor he stood up straight, examining himself in the long mirror beside him. Frowning he hugged his now empty stomach in despair, sitting down beside the toilet.
“Why am I so ugly, fat and disgusting. Everyone is so…. Skinny.”
In defeat, Daisuke came out of the bathroom, leaving the high school as he had University to tend to.
“I wonder if Kaoru’s done his three hundred visits to the apartment before finally heading to class yet.”
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Chapter two; Research?
I brushed my shirt down, hiding my existence by staring out the music room window, trying to get the teacher to believe it was not I who soiled the carpet and would soon leave in search of the actual cause. To my prevail he left with a low sigh, carrying the bucket of soapy water out with him, hitting it with a chiming sound against the door then a click.
I breathed out slowly, trying to calm my own nerves. When I was sure I was the only one around I fled to the door, locking it then smiled contently to myself. It was quiet, no one here but me. Just the way I like it. I know this is totally wrong and absurd but I feel at peace when I’m locked up and alone. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. Maybe four years now, I’m not sure but it’s always been there. When I first started High school I got intimidated by the other students. Their stares, laughter, actions. They all landed down on me like a pile of bricks. At first my parents assumed I was being bullied, but in reality I wasn’t. Only by my own mind was I being tricked upon. My mind tells me when people are looking, making judgments at me and all sorts. I panic, ending up with vomiting or even sialorrhea. It drives me crazy. It’s every single day, especially in school times. There’s too many people to watch, comprehend what they are doing, want me to do or reply. I’m a social outcast, failure.
However, I didn’t feel…too bad with that other guy. He tried to ‘comfort’ me when I cried and I didn’t know how to react so I just threw up and then, he ran away in an instant. He must think I’m revolting and a weirdo too. True to say, I never got to see his face. Just his hair. Bright, flaming, red.
“Hm?”
I heard the store room door creak open, panicking I started to fumble with my hands, trembling and the feeling of sickness took over me once again. This is probably why I’m so thin. I can’t keep food down for more than 3 hours a day.
“Oh, um….Shinya, is it?”
I nodded my head, holding my breath, palpitations wild as he came closer. I could only see him from the corner of my eye. He looked like a high school student from his height but in his face he clearly was not. He had lots of piercing on his face, ears, lips, all that I could see. And a few viewable tattoos in the open on his neck and right hand. I couldn’t really see what they were or said but they were there. He came closer, my heart went faster I think it just might explode, the sick is making it’s way up my throat once more this morning and I can feel my body jerking a little forward in preparation. A little more, another step closer, closer…..
“I’m Kyo Niimura from the university of Haul, a student studying Psychology and I was given your name and school to use as a study. I guess-”
Last step and- -SPLAT.
The vomit left my mouth as he stood right beside me, my body went into convulsions as I kneeled on the ground. All I heard was;
“I guess you’re not all good with confrontation, hey Shinya.”
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I jogged down the campus street of Haul University in search of Kaoru. Everyone I saw waved, said their good mornings and just as always, complimented. Again, again and again. When will it stop! I know they’re picking at me with their false smiles, laughing and mocking me secretly within their cosy groups. No matter how many times I throw up my guts, diet, put on make up at the most early hours of the morning. All of this, it doesn’t work. They throw it back in my face. I can’t be perfect, though I’m not denying that I wouldn’t want to be.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”
Turning round I found the man I was long looking for. Kaoru was currently kicking a can repeatedly in frustration. I watched intently for awhile to see where he was going with this until he managed to kick the can at a dog in the skull. I jumped back in surprise before running over to him, dragging him away at full speed as the dog started to chase both of us with its huge bearing teeth.
“This is sooooooooooooooooooo your fault, Kaoru!”
“ IS NOT. Dog was in the way!”
I sighed, ignoring him. I just wasn’t going to get my way or win in this conversation at all. Besides it’s 10am, I need to do some excessive exercise. It’s a daily routine. Eat, vomit, work out, eat, vomit, class, vomit and so on. No one really knows that this goes on, only Kaoru I think but the many times he’s tried to stop me I just contradict him on asking him to stop his reckless behaviour and self harming. He shuts up and leaves me alone. I think that’s why we work best together. Only we know what’s really going on under that skin.
“Oooh, Die-Kun you look amazing today!”
“Mnm.”
“You’re so handsome and fit!”
“Mnm.”
“Kaoru you look-”
“Shut up.”
Silence. Kaoru’s sharp, aggressive tone sliced through the air like a butcher knife to bread. I sighed wiping the sweat off my forehead. I can’t control him, it’s the way he is. Everyone always looks to me as in ‘Aren’t you going to stop him or tell him off.’ Of course I’m not. He doesn’t like to be annoyed, then why bother annoying him if you know what’s coming. It’s common sense really.
“Excuse me.”
I went into the closet bathroom, heaving up what ever was actually left in my stomach at that time from earlier. Probably just my stomach bile because the contents of the toilet are now a greenie yellow. Not cheerio coloured.
I heard footsteps come closer to the door, wiping my mouth vigorously I stood up, flushed the toilet and started to wash my hands like nothing happened. Though, I was very wrong about that. Very wrong indeed.
“Again, Die?”
“Oh….Kaoru.”
He glanced over at the toilet seat, then returned his gaze to me, his eyes filled with concern but annoyance. He took a few steps towards me until I was leaning against the sink, hands pressed down to grip against the rim to hold my weight up. Kaoru was intimidating at times, times like these. He took my chin with his thumb and index finger, making me look at him. He leaned in, his breath warm against my skin.
“I want you to stop this. It’s unreasonable.”
“So is inflicting pain on yourself but you don’t stop it.”
“That’s different.”
“No it’s not!”
I glared at him as he glared back at me. The tension was unbearable but the sense of angst that filled the air was more overpowering. I stiffened as he came closer, lips near enough to my cheek, his eyes darting to mine then my lips. My chest was heaved out like a bear as in protection. But for a mere human, that was probably the most stupid thing to do. Kaoru blankly stared at my face then turned away, not amused and bored. Leaving the room I breathed out, hand coming up to fan out on my collar bone.
“What…. Was that about?”
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“LET ME GO RIGHT NOW!”
“Please Mr. Hara, You’re loosing a lot of blood as we speak!”
“THAT’S THE POINT YOU STUPID BITCH.”
On a stretcher, being rolled in, unable to move an inch of my body, only my mouth which was useful enough to yell and screech at the doctors or nurses that tried to bandage me. I furiously started to band my head off the metal bar attached to the stretcher, causing my vision to go blurred as I heard the earlier nurse panic, trying to hold my head back. I spat out quite crudely at her.
“STOP IT, THIS IS WHAT I WANT.”
Soon enough I felt my head get lighter and everything seemed to spin round me. I passed out within seconds, the doctors had injected a knock-out drug into my left arm.
“B-Bastards.”
This a normal occurrence for the hospital staff. Probably around two to three times a week I’d end up here or be round for a test or something. The doctors walks round here like they are something, think they have me sorted out and everything. Then why am I continuously here? I’d sure like to know.
I remember a few times they tried to blame this ‘unusual behaviour’ on past experiences with my parents. Written down on my record was ‘child abuse, child neglect’. That was when I blew up, really trying to kill myself in front of the entire hospital. Took a whole heap of brave workers to lure me back. I just hate the way these fancy doctors like to just put the blame on all these weird, brain problems and behaviour on the parents. When clearly, it wasn’t my parents, they were really nice to me actually. It could have been triggered off by anything and it’s their jobs to figure out, right?
This ‘thing’ has ruined half of my experiences in life. From getting in a relationship to having a long lasting friendship. How could I put that on someone else’s shoulders? Having someone love me then go and take my own life, inflicting my pain onto them. That’s why I’ve chosen to never love, get close or befriend anyone. It will keep everyone from getting hurt.
To be truthful, I can’t understand this or why I act the way I do but one thing is for sure. It wasn’t my parents. They love me.
Don’t they?
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“So…..you don’t get on with the rest of your classmates, huh?”
“Ah…..Well… No, not that. Really… I-I just Don’t….”
I looked at the younger boy intently. We were currently walking down the music corridor of the school. The boy sure wasn’t what I had expected, sure I’m not all that spectacular but he, he’s definitely something…new. Looking at him he wasn’t like the other boys in his year group. Not at all, he was more like…the girls, better even. He was quite feminine looking, especially in the face. Another thing, he was incredibly thin, almost in a deathly state, it’s actually scary. Although I do have to admit, he is quite pretty nonetheless.
Stammering, confusion, not knowing what to say. Not having the right words at the right time. This is …..interesting? I’m not sure what’s with him yet just by meeting him. And boy did he give one first impression. Outburst of induced vomiting wasn’t what I intended to get out of this first day but everything that happens is useful…I guess.
Quiet. It’s very quiet. And, Shinya seems quite content and happy with this at the minute. Maybe there is something wrong with noise in his persona, or he is an easily made happy child. There are so many conclusions to pull out from this but I won’t go too into depth with this, not just yet.
“So, Shinya. Why Don’t you tell me something about yourself?”
“M-My……self?”
“Mhm. I am here to learn about-You.”
Looks like a blew a fuse. His earlier smile has vanished, his cheeks have now become flushed and he’s started to tremble and stammer again. Why does he get to agitated and embarrassed about talking to a person? It’s not like I’m going to reject him-
‘Exactly, rejection is the last thing you’d want, Kyo. Look at yourself, you’ve been rejected your entire life. You’re even hiding it in a new life and here you are trying to help a young boy with issues, issues that even YOU couldn’t overcome. You just hid, you over grown coward. Failure. Useless!’
“Urgh!”
“K-yo,…….sir?”
My head started to throb, I looked to the side through the door window. You’re there again. Why don’t you just go away, give up. Stop torturing me! It’s not fair and I can’t give up on myself, I get let anyone know, that’s why I want to help this boy overcome what I haven’t. Just yet.
I fell onto my knees, breathing sharply as my teeth clenched tightly onto my bottom lip, the taste of iron flooding my mouth. My eyes darted all over the corridor. Room one, Shinya, Room two, Door, Room three, You.
“K-Kyo! Sir, what’s wrong? Kyo!”
I embraced myself with my hands over my head, trying to hid my face between my knees. Sickness, blood, it’s all the same. Again and again. The frustration will never end, no matter how much I try I cannot win.
I felt myself shake as Shinya knelt down beside me, rubbing my back as I began to cry another time today. Comfort, it’s what I’ve longed for but why is it you that causes this unwanted feeling. The feeling of wanting to crawl up and wither away. To just lie down and die.
I looked upwards one last time, seeing those deathly pale legs in front of me. I swore I shook even more than my body could take, blood running down from my mouth and onto the stone tiled floor. I cried vigorously as my body got colder and weaker for my own well being. Everything started to fade into darkness as I fell onto my side. The last thing I saw was Shinya’s tearful face and you advancing behind his frail form.
“Don’t…..touch him.”
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CHAPTER THREE: Introductions.
I sat beside the man in the hospital bed. It’s been a few hours, a tremendous amount of hours I’ve been able to stick up with people. With all the panic and commotion I guess my mind was focused more of the actual man than being near people. Though, none of the doctors have spoke to me yet, I feel sick in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it’s from the notion I get that they will end up having to talk to me or the fact that I’ve a firm grasp on the man’s hand in his unconscious state.
“Kyo…..can you….hear me?”
A stir with a pained expression passes his facial features and then return to calm as his head rests beside my hand. I guess… he feels the need to have someone with him. Which is funny whereas I’m the opposite, but why do I feel so drawn to him?
“K-Kyo, wake up soon, please? The doctors haven’t spoke to me yet and it’s frustrating being round here all alone. I can’t stand this, I feel sick and I’m…worried.”
Strangely, I felt the grip on my hand being squeezed, a little stronger than I expected to receive. I raised my head slowly to see two brown orbs looking intently straight at me. Flushing, I went to let go of his hand but he kept a firm grip and that’s when I felt more sick. I figured, I’m alright when people are asleep but when they’re conscious and alive…I am not all that fine with it.
Hiding my face the doctor soon came in, quirking an eyebrow at the strange aura being held in the room. Trying my best to ignore the fact he was there I couldn’t. I felt myself become nauseous and sweaty, trying desperately to breathe properly. Kyo was obviously doing this on purpose. Probably part of his research but I could not take another step. Then Kyo started to stroke my hand with his thumb, pretending to take interest in what the doctor was saying. Which to be honest it sounded like utter gobble de gook in all fairness.
I felt my skin become damp and my face heat up furiously. The doctor was getting to close and my stomach couldn’t hold anything down for much longer. He’s only one man, he won’t accuse me. It’s fine, nothing to worry- He leaned over the bed, hand pressed against Kyo’s forehead and I darted out the door, long forgetting Kyo’s now lonely hand.
Kyo sighed watching Shinya leave through the hospital room doors, not expecting to hear from the doctor and his next question to make him actually laugh. Laugh so hard he almost…. Liked the idea of it.
“Don’t tell me I’m going to have to get a pregnancy test for your girlfriend too, now?”
‘Heh, he really is seen as a pretty little girl on the outside. ’
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Kaoru and I walked back to our apartment in silence. Not a bad silence but not exactly comfortable either. He hasn’t spoke to me since the bathroom incident and I’m.. well to be truthful I’m worried. When Kaoru get’s like this he doesn’t speak for days, weeks even! And I don’t want to endure that again.
Breathing lowly I decided to give it a shot and get him to talk, even it was his usual grunts or nods. It’s still a form of communication. Well in Kaoru’s acceptance it is anyways.
“Kao-”
He pressed me against the door of our apartment, not in a harsh way but with more force than I think he intended. Staring him back in the eyes I waited for what he wanted to say or react. Kaoru has his mood swings and all that so I just have to wait and give him time. Every time. Which seems about every 4 hours.
“Stop it.”
“Stop what?”
“Making yourself sick. It’s insane, Die.”
“No.”
“WHY NOT?!”
I paused, why is he getting so worked up on something that actually has nothing to do with him. Other times he just wouldn’t care and leave me alone, but now, now he’s persistent to get his way and I still don’t understand why. I don’t like being told what to do and especially from Kaoru, he changes his actions too much for me to understand.
Unlocking the door to the apartment I kicked my shoes off at the door and walked into the bathroom, locking it shut behind me, listening carefully to Kaoru’s defeated cussing. Sliding down against the door I breathed out shakily, my nerves were all over the place and just thinking about one of Kaoru’s sudden outbursts would probably throw me off the edge, starting to turn back on him and his problem.
“Ugh! He doesn’t listen! He doesn’t need to make himself sick, he’s fine!”
Kaoru punched what sounded to be the mirror or one of the glass cabinets hanging from the wall. It all went quiet after that so I cautiously creaked the bathroom door open, peeking out ever so slightly. It was the cabinet. Of course. Kaoru stood in front of our only mirror, looking so interested with his image at this strange minute of time.
“K-Kaoru?”
He blatantly ignored me, bringing a hand up to envelope the other. His face was calm and showed to flinch of pain or agony. He’s having one of his episodes again. Where he looks at himself and starts on himself in a huge ranting rampage. However, he did not. Not this time. He just stared and stared until I made a move, inching away as I came closer. I grabbed his hand rather harshly, pulling him into the bedroom.
“Look at you! You’ve went and hurt yourself AGAIN! What am I going to do with you! Honestly.”
I lifted the overly used emergency kit, should be called Kaoru’s box, and took out some disinfectant and bandages. I took Kaoru’s and set it on my lap, dabbing at the deep slices and scratches from the recently broken glass. Which reminds me; Clean and replace. Gently, I began bandaging up his hand, trying to avoid his eyes as hard as I could but no luck. I raised my head and our eyes connected almost instantly. I felt my cheeks flush a hot pink as I tried to look away, only having myself pushed back onto the bed, Kaoru leaning over me. My long strands of flowing red hair splashed out against the quilt cover, my hands rested beside my head. I held my breath, watching the man above me inspect every inch. Suddenly, to my surprise, he looked down at his hand then left the room immediately. I lay there, my mind bursting with confusion and anger. Not a good combination that will all just end up in the middle of the night looking for an aspirin.
I sighed, sitting at the edge of my bed, gazing at my reflection through the window. My face was…chubby with my bottom lip fatter that the upper. My stomach bulged out further that my chest and my limbs were just ghastly. Rubbing my stomach I grabbed my waste bin, stuck my fingers as far back down my throat and emptied the contents of my stomach. I could barely hear Kaoru in the bathroom but I knew it was some type of disagreeing sound to my actions because the walls were practically paper thin. He could obviously hear me. Now and every other time of the day or night.
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I leaned against the bathroom wall, my ear placed against the cold surface from inside the shower. Die was vomiting. Again for the fourth or fifth time today. I sighed, rested my head against the shower, letting the scolding water clash with my icy cold flesh. My hand begun to sting so I let the earlier done bandages get soaked and slump down the drain, inspecting my wound discreetly. I glanced over at the mirror we had on the wall. It was small but long horizontal wise so you could seen at least your upper half. Die had bought it so he could spend less time in the morning running back and forth from his room.
I smiled lightly at the thought of those early mornings and the flustered red head. The smile soon fading as I raised my hand to touch my shoulder. The gaping wound that was there, well it was gone and healed but it will always be there. And now to match was this injured hand. That too will never fade. I could clearly hear Die moving about. Probably getting rid of the waste from his bin that would have stunk out his room by now. Window open and all. Hearing the door slam shut I reached for my towel, slipping it snuggled round my hips, wrapping a facecloth around my hand at the same time.
Die seemed hurt at the fact I kept yelling at him. It’s not that I intend to be so angry at the younger one, it just comes across that way. I looked down at my hand again, stroking the ragged material softly. This belongs to Die. But strange enough to say…
I don’t actually care.
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“Stupid nurse thinks she can tell me what and what not to do. Noooo, don’t do that Mr.Hara. Mr.Hara stop trying to jump out the window. Blah!”
I hopped down the clean hospital corridor as I had a cast on my right leg and I still hadn’t mastered the power of crutches just yet. Everything seemed to have calmed down though since I settled down instead of my usual ranting and raving behaviour. I just gave up I suppose but I do remember there being a load of commotion while I was drugged earlier.
“Wonder what happened.”
I was brought out of my lingering thoughts as I saw someone sprint past me at full speed, knocking into me to spin at a 360 degree angle. I balanced myself on the tiled wall, digging my nails into the small grooves as support. I watched the back of the retreating person, carefully taking in their details. It looked like a girl but I can’t really tell. They had nicely looked after dirty fair hair that was about shoulder length and they were miraculously thin. I hm and hahed over whether to and check up on them.
“MR.HARAAAAA, MR.HAAAARA, WHERE ARE YOOOU?”
Hearing that I quickly headed in the direction of that other person, pulling my decapitated leg behind me.
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I held onto the toilet with all my might, or should I say, what I had left of my might. I panicked and ran so fast I couldn’t tell where I was going but luckily I found these toilets or I would have been doomed. Wiping my mouth I hadn’t got the energy to move so I sat there. Even as I heard the door open I couldn’t pull myself up. I just sat there, breathing lightly as I cooled down.
“Hello? Is anyone in here?”
I remained quiet, but my stomach sure did not. Hearing someone with the intentions of talking to me didn’t make my stomach settle at all and before I knew it, I had my head back within the depths of the toilet, puking up whatever I actually had inside me. I heard the door being pushed slowly, the light appearing and warm on my back. I felt my body curl up and my limbs start to shake but that person did not say anything but they simply rubbed my back.
I shook my head, bitter sobs escaping my mouth and I began to cry. I’m so hopeless! I can’t even thank or communicate with someone who shows me such kindness. I’m a horrible, horrible creature!
“Shssh. No need to cry. Are you not feeling well, want me to get a doctor?”
I repeatedly shook my head from side to side, hoping this person would get my sign. I hate hospitals. I hate doctors. I couldn’t possibly want to stay here or see one for that matter. I just want to go home, where I can eat alone and not feel the need to continuously vomit.
I think this person got what I was trying to say as I felt their shadow descend away from the toilet but as I thought that the door slamming was him leaving it was actually Kyo barging in, knowing exactly where to look for me.
“Shin, Shinya, are you okay? We can go now.”
I nodded my head as I felt Kyo pull my hair back, an arm coming to hold my waist in an attempt to pull my body up and away from the toilet. He let my hair fall as I stood up, my knees weak and limp from the lack of protein and vitamins my body once had this morning. Wiping my mouth on my shirt sleeve I spotted a blue haired boy about my age or just a year older standing by the door in crutches. He must have been the one who followed me and tried to help me.
“Who are you?”
I looked up at Kyo, startled at his tone. It wasn’t harsh but it wasn’t exactly…nice either. The blue haired boy looked unfazed, shrugging his shoulders as he spoke, not making eye contact but focused his eyes on the ceiling as if it was very interesting at this point.
“I saw this…..young individual run in a hurry so I just wanted to see what was up.”
“Nosey.”
“Whatever you say. I was just trying to help…”
Then he left, just like that. I felt Kyo’s grip loosen and he let go, heading towards the door the turned back to me as if waiting. Catching this I followed him, only realising that he didn’t seem hurt at all. I caught up beside him, trying to catch a glimpse of his face. He must have noticed this as he kept darting his eyes down at me then forward again. He stopped, turning his head to me, his hands stuffed deep within his pockets as if in search of something.
“What’s the staring for?”
“I just wanted to see if you were okay or if there were any marks left from when you’re face hit against the ground.”
“……Thanks but no-”
He paused opening his eyes fairly wide then started to grin, leaning towards me. I blinked quickly, wiping my face in anticipation and embarrassment.
“W-What is it? Is there something on my face?”
“You-” He poked my forehead. “Shinya, did not stutter once in that whole conversation.”
“….Oh.”
“Ah, and the doctor wanted me to give this to you.”
“Hm?”
He ruffled through his baggy jeans, lifting something that came in a white packaging out and set it in my hands. I looked down at it in question, turning it over as Kyo continued to walk towards the exit. I flipped through it to see something that looked like a thermometer but like a ice lolly stick at the same time. Kyo yelled back making me blush furiously, my hair completely covering my eyes as my mouth hung open in a crying but unbelievable state.
“You might need this if you ever stay out late one night, you naughty girl!”
Doctors. They just haven’t got a clue, do they?
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CHAPTER FOUR-
I lay across my bed, not really caring about the pains in my stomach from the lack of food or liquids. I was more intrigued by….everything really. People, actions, moods, behaviour. Maybe it would be a good idea to study psychology, like Kyo. Of course I’d have to wait a year before I enrol but I can always wait. Just getting through this last year is all I need to be worried about, for now.
-Knock Knock-
“Shinya, dear. There’s someone here for you.”
I jumped from my bed, trembling at the thought of another human being near me or even wanting to be! I turned to face the other direction as I heard the door squeaking open, footsteps following soon after. Coming closer, closer I felt the newly produced sickness make it’s way up from my stomach just as I felt a hand land on my shoulder I let a squeak escape my lips. I had no intention in turning to face the person which they must have taken this into mind as they forced me to look at them.
“Hello, Shinya.”
My eyes widened and I started to stammer in an attempt to speak to the person but all failed, sadly. He smiled gently and stroked my hair slowly, his lips curled in at the corners. I held my breath, my face becoming flushed, feeling my vision blur and my heart race at an excruciating fast rate.
“K-”
“Shinya!”
I fainted. Again.
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I walked down the city street, blue locks stickling to my coloured skin. It’s a really nice day but no wind and with a cast on my arm it’s hard to move my hair from my face without knocking myself out or falling over from letting the crutch go from my other hand. I have my downsides but in all honesty I did mange this all by myself, no one else to blame. Pffft, as if anyone would be honoured to take the blame. Backstabbing scum bags.
“Such a nuisance.”
I cursed at myself, finally finding a bench to sit on and do so. Everyone looks so happy and peaceful, yeah, not having to worry about what people think about them, opinions and false accusations. Lucky. I wonder how they do it, is it in their heads or just… themselves? Is there something wrong with me, well I do get looks but then randomly ones will treat me with respect and kindness. If that’s what I should call it. It must all be scheme they have planned. Yes, you sick beings, I have you all figured out.
Trying to lift myself off the bench I had long forgotten about my crutch and fell flat bottom onto the path.
“Eugh……damnit!”
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I skipped down the street, how many calories was this burning? Probably not enough. Well, I’ll just pop into the gym at the bottom of the road, it’ll be good enough I should think.
As I ran through the town it was just then when I noticed, some people just can’t be left alone to do as they want or feel as they want to be looked at. I’ve always wished I’d look the way I feel but I’m working on it. However, looking at here it’s quite… unpleasantly a lie. Everyone’s walking about as if they’re the best but in reality they’re not. They backstab ones who may have a bigger nose, put on a few more pounds and even in height! It makes me sick to the pit of my stomach. And there’s-
“Huh…..”
“Damnit! I forgot about my crutch!”
And there’s……him. I don’t know how long I’ve stared at him but it’s a huge gap of time and within that time…no one’s noticed him or tried to give him a hand. He’s practically disabled for crying out loud! They only care for themselves.
“Here, want some help?”
“Hm?”
“You’re kinda on the ground dude.”
I put his crutch at the side of the bench and held my other hand out to him. He sort of just stared at me for awhile before taking it but I didn’t mind. Not like I was extremely busy and I felt sorry for the guy. Up close he looks just about near to my age, maybe a little younger with those puffy cheeks.
“…Thanks.”
“No problem, just be careful. I know well that none of these fuckers would think twice about helping you. Well, see ya!”
“eh…WAIT!”
“Hm?”
“Your name? would be nice.”
“Oh, Die.”
“Die……..”
I ran off before he could drag me into a full scale conversation. I needed to get back on track and lose about another 500 calories before I got to work.
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I stood by the window, cigarette between my lips as I looked outside. It’s really nice and bright, I don’t know why Shinya remains to stay put within his dull room. Maybe that’s why he’s so pale, like porcelain. Poor kid…….
“Waaaaaah! You’re…smoking in-indoors!”
“That’s why I’m at the window. I know you have a hatred for smoke and cigarettes.”
With that I flicked it out the window, eyeing the flustered blonde whom may only have regained consciousness. He defiantly is something. Perfect eyes, lips, face, body, and his character…well he’s innocent to the most extreme extent. He’s…..beautiful. To wonder how I look upon being near such a person. The scars, the hatred, the mood. I’m nothing but crap, utter crap.
“Feeling better?”
“Ah..-U-um, ye-yes.”
I smiled carefully, watching him make his way to his bed, making no eye contact with me at all. Not surprising. I joined him, he scooted a little, an inch even away.
“How have you been, Shinya?”
“….F-Fine.”
Lies. He hasn’t changed in the slightest. I know this as he still refuses to ask a person further questions or reply.
“That’s good.”
Silence. I always hear how silence can slice through bread like a knife, but how can you hear it, if it is indeed silent. It’s harmless, it just provokes people in different ways. Many bad and good. This, I’m not sure what to call it.
“Have you…-”
I jumped, pressing his frail body against the mattress, he seemed unfazed, no outburst, no tantrum. He just lay there, staring back with those honey brown orbs. I didn’t want to answer him, I don’t have to. Who says I do? Staring down at him I noticed all sorts, scars on his neck, his cheek, his hands. They weren’t visible to the human eyes, but me, they were clear.
I bit my lip moving closer to inspect the marks, now he looked uncomfortable. I descended down as he turned his head, I kissed his neck in a rush, he let his hands roam up to plant themselves on my back. His breathing was quiet and gentle, the opposite of a vile creature like me.
“K-Kaoru….”
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“EUGH!”
I kicked my legs in frustration, having my quilt slide off my mattress. I lay there, dark circles formed under my eyes, hair far from brushed and just ugly. I didn’t sleep, I CAN’T Sleep. It’s been a week now and I’ve managed to pull myself through the days without anyone giving me jip or having a temper. I think I’m too tired to fight so I just… let it pass. Finally managing to get myself off the bed without collapsing I rummaged through my wardrobe, flinging whatever my hands could grasp onto my weak body.
I didn’t bother to check my appearance, an excuse to avoid the mirrors and myself in case I went into another fit of sorts. Once in the kitchen I sighed as I opened the fridge-empty, cupboards-empty, freezer-empty. I guess I’ll have to go down to the café for something to stop my hunger sounds.
I’m lucky I don’t share my apartment with anyone nor is the area busy with crowds, but there’s a little café just down the street which gets a good amount of business. As I entered it seemed to be not so busy and without knowing a smile formed on my face. I ordered the breakfast special with a coffee, make that two. I need caffeine, badly.
“There ya go!”
I turned to see a waiter, he had pure red hair, black roots of course, like myself. I tilted my head to the side, cheek against my palm, studying the creature I kinda felt a bit absurd. Not like I should be a person judging anyone but I have to now, right? To fit in like everyone else, they pick on someone, the manipulate a person for their looks and actions but I- As much as I tried, I wasn’t like that. I just couldn’t be. But… this guy… seemed so….fake. If that’s what I could describe it as. He seemed to act fake, his smile, which was yellow.
“Yellow…?”
Maybe he’s a smoker, it could be that as his physic is so thin but……I feel as if I’m lying to myself. I observed him closely as he walked past, and that was it, he waved. His hand, or knuckles even, had scars, just two. That’s when I knew. He may of course be a smoker but his teeth are more yellow because he self-induced vomits. Explaining the marks on his hand, it’s from forcing his hand down his throat too often.
Looking intently I felt a sudden gash a shame come over me. What was I doing, judging this poor guy in my own head, worse that I’m doing it in my head so he can’t hear me! It’s like backstabbing! I can’t believe myself. Without another thought I fled from the café, tears threatening to release themselves without my consent, paranoia wasn’t what it should be called for I knew everyone was watching, even the red head.
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I watched as the man fled from the café, he’d been staring at me for some time now, he probably didn’t even realise himself but I was carefully eyeing him, making judgment I suppose but all is fair, he did it on me first, obviously.
“Die, you’re done for the day!”
“Thanks.”
Lifting my coat I ran down the road towards my University, come to think of it I hadn’t seen Kaoru yet. He should probably be there already, destroying or fighting with someone or something.
I came to a halt at the gates, fixing my hair and clothes, of course I was welcomed like every other day but today, Kaoru there was not. I scanned the area, not finding him at all. I took out my phone, clicking number 1, yes, I have Kaoru on hot key, I need to from loosing him so many times or collecting him down at the station-police that is.
-Riiiiiing.Riiiiiing.Riiiiiiiing.Riiiiiiiing-sorry but the person you are calling is unable to answer your call, please try again later.-
Okay, now I’m worried but worse I have this uneasy feeling in my stomach, something is going on and it’s definitely wrong-hm?
I heard faint sob, turning my head I found the source of this unwanted noise. A boy, hunched up, sitting by the fountain, tears not clear to see as his face was in hiding between his arms but you could tell, well I could anyways.
Walking over I was hesitant to comfort him or seem as if I were to walk to him but just walk past him but he attracted me, not like romance, just like…Kaoru does. Or is that the same- never mind I’m in front of him now. I lean sideways, trying to catch a glimpse of his face but to no prevail he dug his face in deeper, brilliant. And as I went to pat his shoulder I heard a long watery sniff, charming. I went for the kill, curiosity killed the cat, and when I saw this boy, I think I killed all nine.
“Hey, are you okay-”
Yup, killed nine. For whom I was staring at in astonishment was staring back at me with the same exact gaze, if only I had knew earlier I would have just walked past but curiosity killed my cat.
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I lifted my phone with my free hand, seems Die called me earlier, speaking of which he must be at Uni by now. Myself on the other hand….. I looked down at the young boy sleeping on my chest, his hair soft against my skin, thin leg tangled with my knee and his palm against my shoulder as if to trace the tattoos there. I was not at Uni, and probably end up not going today. Not that I could go anyways, Shinya’s still fast asleep, maybe I tired him out too much. Well, I am a few years older than him, he’s not used to this kind of attention yet. Yes-yet, for many years to come I’ll help him adjust, if I’m always here with him. It’s been years now since I only met him as a young infant.
It was a family celebration, my brother’s birthday as I recall, but to me I didn’t really care. I didn’t have much interest in our family or friends, and for them towards me the same. Maybe that’s why I went in search of something better to do to pass the time. My family didn’t like me anyways, I was trouble at school, had mood swings and at the time the doctors just said I need a good beating. And a beating was what I got. Not that I cared about it and maybe karma or God knew this as I was lead to a young boy whom was crying by himself. He had pale skin, long fair hair and plump lips. I was taken back by such a beauty, even though he was crying his tears were like pearls, tiny, sweet pearls. I accompanied him by the bank, my Yukata spread on the grass making a crunching noise. He lifted his head, startled by the sudden break of silence. I stared at him for some time, not in a harsh way but as if examine him. His Yukata hung loose off his shoulder, cheeks stained and eyes puffy. No matter, his tears had stopped at least and he was even more ravishing than I had expected, of course at the age of seven I didn’t use those words, more like pretty and Bood-I-fool. I calmly took his hand, not saying a word nor did he react in a bad way but simply clenched tighter. It was as if we had came to a understanding by touching each other, if that were to happen to anyone else in my family I would have been pushed over by now.
Years after we always saw each other, not planned but just randomly, even our parents don’t really get what’s on between us because when we meet up we don’t exactly talk in front of others. We need to me alone to let our energy connect, with Shinya I don’t get sudden mood swings or tantrums. It’s because of him I have hope. However things changed as he grew older. There is about 3 years between us. I moved on to university and he stayed insecure at High school, because he was alone. I blame myself for his sudden adaptation to life and I wish I could change it but with my own problems it’s hard enough. I put Shinya before myself at all costs, just now he has to do himself the favour and give himself confidence, like Die-
“I should call him…”
I leaned down, grasping my phone, hearing a murmur from the young boy whom seemed to have awakened. I looked down at him with earnest eyes as he pushed himself up to sit on the bed, duvet sliding a long his spine to sit around his lower torso. He rubbed his eyes furiously and looked at me.
“Well,-Afternoon.”
“Mnm….what time is it?”
“12:36”
“WAHHHHHH?! N-No I’m late! Well, Half the day is over!”
“Shssh. Just go in, or take the day off. Not like you don’t deserve it.”
“Kaoru, you say I deserve everything all the time.”
“Because you do.”
“Kaoru……”
I Brought my phone to my ear earning a sigh from Shinya, he lifted the quilt and walked off to the bathroom. I have Die on speedial, yes- number 2 so it’s easy for me to call. Not like I call anyone else.
-Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.Riiiiiiing.Riiii- “WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!?”
I braced my ear from the sudden outburst, it even caused Shinya to peek out from behind the door.
“I’m just going to be late, you not in class?”
“Wha? Oh yeah I am but-MRS SUKOKAI I’M SORRY, NO, NOT IN THE FACE, NOT THE-”
-Dead-
“He should have learned by now…..”
“Who was that?”
“Oh, a friend. He’s a little pissed I’m not in school yet.”
I stood up, sliding my clothes back on, Shinya sat on the end on the bed, looking as if he was deep in thought. I left it, incase it was something serious or related to his attitude. However as I went to leave he spoke.
“you’re all calm again, Kaoru. H-How‘s-that?”
The stutter, he’s afraid I’ll turn on him for speaking like that. I turned to him, leaning down I cupped his cheek, bring him close to myself. I kissed his gently, nipping his bottom lip, I felt him ease down.
“You, calm me down, Shinya. That’s how.”
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Synopsis: The story of five young teens whom have all been diagnosed different disorders. Will they be able to win over these horrible attitudes or will it get the best of them?
CHRONIC I s o m n I a [one DIRU]
There he is again. Sitting there by the bench. Yeah, that kid, isn't he strange? I wonder what his parents think of him. I heard they disowned him, he was that weird. Well who blames them, I wouldn’t want him.
Want him.
Those words, used over and over again. Printed in his mind. This young boy, yes, he wasn’t a very wanted child. Not at all, though he grew up to ignore those jeering voices. He only took in what he needed to hear. The many horrible things passed by him like no ones business. Why should any human being be treated like this? In some turmoil and hatred. The fact was… he has done nothing wrong. What so ever.
This boy is called Kyo. Kyo niimura. Originally named Tooru but once his parents left, he moved from his birth town, Kyoto and tried to mask a new life for himself. Resulting in everything changing. Even his own name. All of this is a hope, deep for Kyo, that he can be seen, as a normal individual at last.
Or Not.
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“FUCK. LEAVE ME ALONE. FUCK OFF, WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?!”
Kyo flung anything his hands could grasp, smashing them against his mirror, wall and even the door. From vases to picture frames, jars and cans lay a mess around his dorm room. He cringed, pulling handfuls of his bleached blonde hair into his fists, crouching down on his knees, rocking forward, eyes bloodshot and wide in fear. He exhaled through his teeth, his posture shaky and spine showing through his thin shirt. His voice was broken and tearful but filled with a strong sense of anger.
“Why…..why do you never go away? Why……I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!”
Defeated, Kyo cradled his body in a foetus position, chin rested on his knees that were now currently being used as a tissue to absorb his newly cried tears. A tingling feeling went through his head, causing his eyelids to close shut and his body to fall with a thud onto the dirty wooden floor.
How time passes by. Every day, every minute, the same exact thing happens to Kyo in his day to day life. The waking, the seeing, collapsing then passing out. A normal routine he has had to put up with for these past 18 years. Every episode had it’s turn and effect. Some more darker than others which he could just shrug off, but ones like those, he cannot surpass.
“ I can see you. Yeah, exactly. Stop following me, I don’t have time.”
Kyo walked down the city’s main street, a lonely cigarette held firmly between his fingers, smoke lingering within the wind. His eyes darted from the windows he passed to the people who innocently walked the streets.
“Lowlifes. Haven’t they got anything better to do than watch me, comment me, reject me.”
The stern look on Kyo’s face did not fade nor did it change one bit. Though to the human eye nothing could be seen but to the mind, there was much more to be said of his appearance. A young college student with many problems, neglect and suffering from the suffocation of much needed socialism that could not be given.
Using his foot he brutally kicked a stone repeatedly as he strolled down the path, kick, clunk, kick, clunk, kick, clang. Stone gone and easily forgotten but for some reason, Kyo felt the need to sprint, grab the stone out of the sewage and befriend it. Tell it he was sorry and that it is not alone. However, he did not because that would be wrong of him. To ruin his newly found reputation that he could not risk to loose. He eyed the drain, seeing the stone sink into the raw dirty liquid and mouthed an apology, his eyes watering. He ran at a rapid speed, so suddenly that everyone stared at the back of the boy, his face covered perfectly as his teeth clenched tight.
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So many faces, so many opinions could be towards me. How to react, speak and walk. Everyone is saying something about me, what do I do? Is this going to embarrass me or humiliate my well-being? What actions must I take to avoid this? Avoid them, yes. Just avoid everyone, hide yourself deep with the shadows. No one will bother you.
Here walks another young boy, probably just a year younger than Kyo himself. His name is Shinya. Shinya Terachi. From puberty Shinya had suddenly taken a bad case of Social Anxiety. A disorder rarely known but to most people it was put as ‘Very shy person’. Shinya had never been an enclosed child but whenever he got into high school he suddenly shut himself away from others and any other type of social contact.
And now here he was, in his last year of high school. Hoping to pass his final exams and get into a good college/ university. It was more for the purpose to help himself get adjusted to the bigger and fearful world. He didn’t want to stay the same way his entire life. He had dreams, just like anyone else.
“It’s fine. Just walk by like every other day. Don’t make eye contact. You’re fine.”
No, it’s not. They’re watching you when you’re not looking. It burns like a cigarette being planted into your back. It burns, hurts. Look, keep your guard up. No, they’re talking about you. Quick, quick, get away, FAST, GO. NOW.
Trembling, Shinya ran into the music room, leaning his back against it. Sweat streamed down his forehead as he tried to catch his breath. He rubbed his back against the cold wood the door was made from, as if trying to get rid of the burning sensation imprinted on his back like the image in his head.
He slid down it, a hand resting on his stomach and the other clasping over his mouth. The feeling of sickness coming up his throat, tears burned his eyes as he muffled a silent cry to himself. Another hand came from in front of him to rest on top of his head, gently caressing his dirty fair locks. Shinya closed his eyes, not knowing how to react to this feeling or gesture. It was something he would generally have taken a panic attack over but right now he did not. He threw up all from his stomach.
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“Look at you. You’re horrible. Everyone agrees. You sick, pathetic creature of a being. No one wants you, no one likes you. You’re revolting and a disgrace to mankind. What’s wrong with you, huh? You sick, sick bastard.”
Standing in front of a mirror with a bottle of pills and a 10 glass of vodka was Toshiya. Toshiya Hara. Also known as Toshimara. He is a young teenager of the age of 18 and seems to be going through hard times. Although he isn’t anti social to people around him, hence being known as a drama queen, he has a horrible nature of changing his moods in an instant. As if there’s a chemical imbalance in his brain that causes these moods to happen and even, at most dangerous times, lead to himself threatening to take his own life. This can be seen as a serious disorder of Emotional Dysregulation. A poorly modulated response in the emotional status of someone.
Toshiya has been going through this or ‘stage of his life’ for a few good years now. It only truly kicked into his system when he started going out into the public more. Something in his mind triggered this and it could not hold it in anymore. As if it was some painful experience. Though he enjoyed being around people and having fun, having all the attention on him. He did act, like nothing was actually wrong with him.
“ God, you deserve to die! What do you do, people treat you nicely and with respect and all you do is give back cheek, throw tantrums. You’re so aggressive and I’m sick of it!”
He threw in a handful of pills then chugged down all the vodka possible without upchucking on the spot. Smashing the glass down he walked on it, ignoring the pain throbbing through his body. His vision was blurred as his balance was unsteady. Using his hands he grasped onto the top banister of the 4th floor stairs, putting all of his weight onto it. There was a high pitched ringing in his ears as he let go of the wood, throwing his body down the flight of cement stairs.
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THUD.
He lay sprawled out, legs hanging on his bed as his upper body collided with the cold floor. He expression was blank. Not annoyed, angry or just… anything. Pulling the rest of himself onto the ground he lifted his body up with what self control he even had, lazily walking over to the mirror to examine himself.
“Mnmm….Still there.”
Rubbing his shoulder he murmured to himself, walking away in slight disgust at his own image. This young adult is Kaoru. Kaoru Niikura. He is a student in his second year attending a local university. He hasn’t always been the most social person in the world, in fact he’s not social, at all to be honest. It started when he was about 14 years old. He obtained a conduct disorder and now being 19 years of age, Kaoru’s disorder has defined itself into a personality disease. Known as Antisocial Personality disorder. Worst of all, his disease was soon effected by OCD. The obsessive compulsive urge to do things a number of times. In Kaoru’s case it was to hit or break something a certain amount of times before he left somewhere.
It’s been tough for Kaoru throughout these many years. The inability to keep a job, lack of realistic goals to be kept, Narcissism, that persistent agitated feeling along with strong aggression issues. All of this has had a huge impact on Kaoru’s life but to be blunt, he looks like any young guy. It’s when you get to know or try and get to him, you realise what he really is.
“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.”
SMASH.
Shattered, the earlier used mirror broke into numerous shards as Kaoru violently threw his shoe at it in anger. Walking back into the room he looked at the mess and a gloomy expression took over his face. He lifted his shoe, emptying any loose bits of glass that managed to get into it and stuck it on his bare foot.
“Stupid fucking mirror. Shouldn’t have been in the way.”
With that, Kaoru kicked the end of his bed before leaving the apartment, but yet he ran back in, kicked the bed again then left. Then again, again and finally he left. He lived on the universities campus, meaning he shared with a few other students. Obviously they avoided him and his aggressive behaviour. All but one who just so happened to get used to his ways.
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In the music room he continued to pat the young boy’s hair who seemed to still be crying. Before he could say a word of comfort he heard a splutter and a rough cough. Looking down he saw that the boy had just vomited onto the carpet of the room, tears still flowing down his flushed cheeks. In a flash he ran from the scene, leaving the boy to sit in his own bodily fluids. He felt bad but he needed to get back or go somewhere to get rid of his need.
He ran into the closest toilet, locked the door and gripped onto the seat with one hand as he used two fingers on the other hand to poke down his throat. Once done far enough, he quickly pulled them out, emptying the contents of his stomach. His body shook violently from the impact there was on him as he continued.
This young man we have is known as Daisuke. Daisuke Ando. He likes to refer himself as ‘Die’. Everyone took it as a cool nickname but realistically. It’s Die-T. Daisuke has a disorder commonly known as Anorexia Nervosa. He despises his body weight and continuously makes himself sick to make himself feel a little bit better about himself. Of course he has many admirers, probably because no one knows about this matter. Just take it that he is a slim, nice looking guy with a normal personality. However he isn’t all that normal. He has a fear of gaining weight and being seen as ‘fat’ or ‘revolting’.
“Eugh…….I think that’s it.”
Pushing himself off the floor he stood up straight, examining himself in the long mirror beside him. Frowning he hugged his now empty stomach in despair, sitting down beside the toilet.
“Why am I so ugly, fat and disgusting. Everyone is so…. Skinny.”
In defeat, Daisuke came out of the bathroom, leaving the high school as he had University to tend to.
“I wonder if Kaoru’s done his three hundred visits to the apartment before finally heading to class yet.”
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Chapter two; Research?
I brushed my shirt down, hiding my existence by staring out the music room window, trying to get the teacher to believe it was not I who soiled the carpet and would soon leave in search of the actual cause. To my prevail he left with a low sigh, carrying the bucket of soapy water out with him, hitting it with a chiming sound against the door then a click.
I breathed out slowly, trying to calm my own nerves. When I was sure I was the only one around I fled to the door, locking it then smiled contently to myself. It was quiet, no one here but me. Just the way I like it. I know this is totally wrong and absurd but I feel at peace when I’m locked up and alone. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. Maybe four years now, I’m not sure but it’s always been there. When I first started High school I got intimidated by the other students. Their stares, laughter, actions. They all landed down on me like a pile of bricks. At first my parents assumed I was being bullied, but in reality I wasn’t. Only by my own mind was I being tricked upon. My mind tells me when people are looking, making judgments at me and all sorts. I panic, ending up with vomiting or even sialorrhea. It drives me crazy. It’s every single day, especially in school times. There’s too many people to watch, comprehend what they are doing, want me to do or reply. I’m a social outcast, failure.
However, I didn’t feel…too bad with that other guy. He tried to ‘comfort’ me when I cried and I didn’t know how to react so I just threw up and then, he ran away in an instant. He must think I’m revolting and a weirdo too. True to say, I never got to see his face. Just his hair. Bright, flaming, red.
“Hm?”
I heard the store room door creak open, panicking I started to fumble with my hands, trembling and the feeling of sickness took over me once again. This is probably why I’m so thin. I can’t keep food down for more than 3 hours a day.
“Oh, um….Shinya, is it?”
I nodded my head, holding my breath, palpitations wild as he came closer. I could only see him from the corner of my eye. He looked like a high school student from his height but in his face he clearly was not. He had lots of piercing on his face, ears, lips, all that I could see. And a few viewable tattoos in the open on his neck and right hand. I couldn’t really see what they were or said but they were there. He came closer, my heart went faster I think it just might explode, the sick is making it’s way up my throat once more this morning and I can feel my body jerking a little forward in preparation. A little more, another step closer, closer…..
“I’m Kyo Niimura from the university of Haul, a student studying Psychology and I was given your name and school to use as a study. I guess-”
Last step and- -SPLAT.
The vomit left my mouth as he stood right beside me, my body went into convulsions as I kneeled on the ground. All I heard was;
“I guess you’re not all good with confrontation, hey Shinya.”
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I jogged down the campus street of Haul University in search of Kaoru. Everyone I saw waved, said their good mornings and just as always, complimented. Again, again and again. When will it stop! I know they’re picking at me with their false smiles, laughing and mocking me secretly within their cosy groups. No matter how many times I throw up my guts, diet, put on make up at the most early hours of the morning. All of this, it doesn’t work. They throw it back in my face. I can’t be perfect, though I’m not denying that I wouldn’t want to be.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”
Turning round I found the man I was long looking for. Kaoru was currently kicking a can repeatedly in frustration. I watched intently for awhile to see where he was going with this until he managed to kick the can at a dog in the skull. I jumped back in surprise before running over to him, dragging him away at full speed as the dog started to chase both of us with its huge bearing teeth.
“This is sooooooooooooooooooo your fault, Kaoru!”
“ IS NOT. Dog was in the way!”
I sighed, ignoring him. I just wasn’t going to get my way or win in this conversation at all. Besides it’s 10am, I need to do some excessive exercise. It’s a daily routine. Eat, vomit, work out, eat, vomit, class, vomit and so on. No one really knows that this goes on, only Kaoru I think but the many times he’s tried to stop me I just contradict him on asking him to stop his reckless behaviour and self harming. He shuts up and leaves me alone. I think that’s why we work best together. Only we know what’s really going on under that skin.
“Oooh, Die-Kun you look amazing today!”
“Mnm.”
“You’re so handsome and fit!”
“Mnm.”
“Kaoru you look-”
“Shut up.”
Silence. Kaoru’s sharp, aggressive tone sliced through the air like a butcher knife to bread. I sighed wiping the sweat off my forehead. I can’t control him, it’s the way he is. Everyone always looks to me as in ‘Aren’t you going to stop him or tell him off.’ Of course I’m not. He doesn’t like to be annoyed, then why bother annoying him if you know what’s coming. It’s common sense really.
“Excuse me.”
I went into the closet bathroom, heaving up what ever was actually left in my stomach at that time from earlier. Probably just my stomach bile because the contents of the toilet are now a greenie yellow. Not cheerio coloured.
I heard footsteps come closer to the door, wiping my mouth vigorously I stood up, flushed the toilet and started to wash my hands like nothing happened. Though, I was very wrong about that. Very wrong indeed.
“Again, Die?”
“Oh….Kaoru.”
He glanced over at the toilet seat, then returned his gaze to me, his eyes filled with concern but annoyance. He took a few steps towards me until I was leaning against the sink, hands pressed down to grip against the rim to hold my weight up. Kaoru was intimidating at times, times like these. He took my chin with his thumb and index finger, making me look at him. He leaned in, his breath warm against my skin.
“I want you to stop this. It’s unreasonable.”
“So is inflicting pain on yourself but you don’t stop it.”
“That’s different.”
“No it’s not!”
I glared at him as he glared back at me. The tension was unbearable but the sense of angst that filled the air was more overpowering. I stiffened as he came closer, lips near enough to my cheek, his eyes darting to mine then my lips. My chest was heaved out like a bear as in protection. But for a mere human, that was probably the most stupid thing to do. Kaoru blankly stared at my face then turned away, not amused and bored. Leaving the room I breathed out, hand coming up to fan out on my collar bone.
“What…. Was that about?”
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“LET ME GO RIGHT NOW!”
“Please Mr. Hara, You’re loosing a lot of blood as we speak!”
“THAT’S THE POINT YOU STUPID BITCH.”
On a stretcher, being rolled in, unable to move an inch of my body, only my mouth which was useful enough to yell and screech at the doctors or nurses that tried to bandage me. I furiously started to band my head off the metal bar attached to the stretcher, causing my vision to go blurred as I heard the earlier nurse panic, trying to hold my head back. I spat out quite crudely at her.
“STOP IT, THIS IS WHAT I WANT.”
Soon enough I felt my head get lighter and everything seemed to spin round me. I passed out within seconds, the doctors had injected a knock-out drug into my left arm.
“B-Bastards.”
This a normal occurrence for the hospital staff. Probably around two to three times a week I’d end up here or be round for a test or something. The doctors walks round here like they are something, think they have me sorted out and everything. Then why am I continuously here? I’d sure like to know.
I remember a few times they tried to blame this ‘unusual behaviour’ on past experiences with my parents. Written down on my record was ‘child abuse, child neglect’. That was when I blew up, really trying to kill myself in front of the entire hospital. Took a whole heap of brave workers to lure me back. I just hate the way these fancy doctors like to just put the blame on all these weird, brain problems and behaviour on the parents. When clearly, it wasn’t my parents, they were really nice to me actually. It could have been triggered off by anything and it’s their jobs to figure out, right?
This ‘thing’ has ruined half of my experiences in life. From getting in a relationship to having a long lasting friendship. How could I put that on someone else’s shoulders? Having someone love me then go and take my own life, inflicting my pain onto them. That’s why I’ve chosen to never love, get close or befriend anyone. It will keep everyone from getting hurt.
To be truthful, I can’t understand this or why I act the way I do but one thing is for sure. It wasn’t my parents. They love me.
Don’t they?
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“So…..you don’t get on with the rest of your classmates, huh?”
“Ah…..Well… No, not that. Really… I-I just Don’t….”
I looked at the younger boy intently. We were currently walking down the music corridor of the school. The boy sure wasn’t what I had expected, sure I’m not all that spectacular but he, he’s definitely something…new. Looking at him he wasn’t like the other boys in his year group. Not at all, he was more like…the girls, better even. He was quite feminine looking, especially in the face. Another thing, he was incredibly thin, almost in a deathly state, it’s actually scary. Although I do have to admit, he is quite pretty nonetheless.
Stammering, confusion, not knowing what to say. Not having the right words at the right time. This is …..interesting? I’m not sure what’s with him yet just by meeting him. And boy did he give one first impression. Outburst of induced vomiting wasn’t what I intended to get out of this first day but everything that happens is useful…I guess.
Quiet. It’s very quiet. And, Shinya seems quite content and happy with this at the minute. Maybe there is something wrong with noise in his persona, or he is an easily made happy child. There are so many conclusions to pull out from this but I won’t go too into depth with this, not just yet.
“So, Shinya. Why Don’t you tell me something about yourself?”
“M-My……self?”
“Mhm. I am here to learn about-You.”
Looks like a blew a fuse. His earlier smile has vanished, his cheeks have now become flushed and he’s started to tremble and stammer again. Why does he get to agitated and embarrassed about talking to a person? It’s not like I’m going to reject him-
‘Exactly, rejection is the last thing you’d want, Kyo. Look at yourself, you’ve been rejected your entire life. You’re even hiding it in a new life and here you are trying to help a young boy with issues, issues that even YOU couldn’t overcome. You just hid, you over grown coward. Failure. Useless!’
“Urgh!”
“K-yo,…….sir?”
My head started to throb, I looked to the side through the door window. You’re there again. Why don’t you just go away, give up. Stop torturing me! It’s not fair and I can’t give up on myself, I get let anyone know, that’s why I want to help this boy overcome what I haven’t. Just yet.
I fell onto my knees, breathing sharply as my teeth clenched tightly onto my bottom lip, the taste of iron flooding my mouth. My eyes darted all over the corridor. Room one, Shinya, Room two, Door, Room three, You.
“K-Kyo! Sir, what’s wrong? Kyo!”
I embraced myself with my hands over my head, trying to hid my face between my knees. Sickness, blood, it’s all the same. Again and again. The frustration will never end, no matter how much I try I cannot win.
I felt myself shake as Shinya knelt down beside me, rubbing my back as I began to cry another time today. Comfort, it’s what I’ve longed for but why is it you that causes this unwanted feeling. The feeling of wanting to crawl up and wither away. To just lie down and die.
I looked upwards one last time, seeing those deathly pale legs in front of me. I swore I shook even more than my body could take, blood running down from my mouth and onto the stone tiled floor. I cried vigorously as my body got colder and weaker for my own well being. Everything started to fade into darkness as I fell onto my side. The last thing I saw was Shinya’s tearful face and you advancing behind his frail form.
“Don’t…..touch him.”
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CHAPTER THREE: Introductions.
I sat beside the man in the hospital bed. It’s been a few hours, a tremendous amount of hours I’ve been able to stick up with people. With all the panic and commotion I guess my mind was focused more of the actual man than being near people. Though, none of the doctors have spoke to me yet, I feel sick in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it’s from the notion I get that they will end up having to talk to me or the fact that I’ve a firm grasp on the man’s hand in his unconscious state.
“Kyo…..can you….hear me?”
A stir with a pained expression passes his facial features and then return to calm as his head rests beside my hand. I guess… he feels the need to have someone with him. Which is funny whereas I’m the opposite, but why do I feel so drawn to him?
“K-Kyo, wake up soon, please? The doctors haven’t spoke to me yet and it’s frustrating being round here all alone. I can’t stand this, I feel sick and I’m…worried.”
Strangely, I felt the grip on my hand being squeezed, a little stronger than I expected to receive. I raised my head slowly to see two brown orbs looking intently straight at me. Flushing, I went to let go of his hand but he kept a firm grip and that’s when I felt more sick. I figured, I’m alright when people are asleep but when they’re conscious and alive…I am not all that fine with it.
Hiding my face the doctor soon came in, quirking an eyebrow at the strange aura being held in the room. Trying my best to ignore the fact he was there I couldn’t. I felt myself become nauseous and sweaty, trying desperately to breathe properly. Kyo was obviously doing this on purpose. Probably part of his research but I could not take another step. Then Kyo started to stroke my hand with his thumb, pretending to take interest in what the doctor was saying. Which to be honest it sounded like utter gobble de gook in all fairness.
I felt my skin become damp and my face heat up furiously. The doctor was getting to close and my stomach couldn’t hold anything down for much longer. He’s only one man, he won’t accuse me. It’s fine, nothing to worry- He leaned over the bed, hand pressed against Kyo’s forehead and I darted out the door, long forgetting Kyo’s now lonely hand.
Kyo sighed watching Shinya leave through the hospital room doors, not expecting to hear from the doctor and his next question to make him actually laugh. Laugh so hard he almost…. Liked the idea of it.
“Don’t tell me I’m going to have to get a pregnancy test for your girlfriend too, now?”
‘Heh, he really is seen as a pretty little girl on the outside. ’
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Kaoru and I walked back to our apartment in silence. Not a bad silence but not exactly comfortable either. He hasn’t spoke to me since the bathroom incident and I’m.. well to be truthful I’m worried. When Kaoru get’s like this he doesn’t speak for days, weeks even! And I don’t want to endure that again.
Breathing lowly I decided to give it a shot and get him to talk, even it was his usual grunts or nods. It’s still a form of communication. Well in Kaoru’s acceptance it is anyways.
“Kao-”
He pressed me against the door of our apartment, not in a harsh way but with more force than I think he intended. Staring him back in the eyes I waited for what he wanted to say or react. Kaoru has his mood swings and all that so I just have to wait and give him time. Every time. Which seems about every 4 hours.
“Stop it.”
“Stop what?”
“Making yourself sick. It’s insane, Die.”
“No.”
“WHY NOT?!”
I paused, why is he getting so worked up on something that actually has nothing to do with him. Other times he just wouldn’t care and leave me alone, but now, now he’s persistent to get his way and I still don’t understand why. I don’t like being told what to do and especially from Kaoru, he changes his actions too much for me to understand.
Unlocking the door to the apartment I kicked my shoes off at the door and walked into the bathroom, locking it shut behind me, listening carefully to Kaoru’s defeated cussing. Sliding down against the door I breathed out shakily, my nerves were all over the place and just thinking about one of Kaoru’s sudden outbursts would probably throw me off the edge, starting to turn back on him and his problem.
“Ugh! He doesn’t listen! He doesn’t need to make himself sick, he’s fine!”
Kaoru punched what sounded to be the mirror or one of the glass cabinets hanging from the wall. It all went quiet after that so I cautiously creaked the bathroom door open, peeking out ever so slightly. It was the cabinet. Of course. Kaoru stood in front of our only mirror, looking so interested with his image at this strange minute of time.
“K-Kaoru?”
He blatantly ignored me, bringing a hand up to envelope the other. His face was calm and showed to flinch of pain or agony. He’s having one of his episodes again. Where he looks at himself and starts on himself in a huge ranting rampage. However, he did not. Not this time. He just stared and stared until I made a move, inching away as I came closer. I grabbed his hand rather harshly, pulling him into the bedroom.
“Look at you! You’ve went and hurt yourself AGAIN! What am I going to do with you! Honestly.”
I lifted the overly used emergency kit, should be called Kaoru’s box, and took out some disinfectant and bandages. I took Kaoru’s and set it on my lap, dabbing at the deep slices and scratches from the recently broken glass. Which reminds me; Clean and replace. Gently, I began bandaging up his hand, trying to avoid his eyes as hard as I could but no luck. I raised my head and our eyes connected almost instantly. I felt my cheeks flush a hot pink as I tried to look away, only having myself pushed back onto the bed, Kaoru leaning over me. My long strands of flowing red hair splashed out against the quilt cover, my hands rested beside my head. I held my breath, watching the man above me inspect every inch. Suddenly, to my surprise, he looked down at his hand then left the room immediately. I lay there, my mind bursting with confusion and anger. Not a good combination that will all just end up in the middle of the night looking for an aspirin.
I sighed, sitting at the edge of my bed, gazing at my reflection through the window. My face was…chubby with my bottom lip fatter that the upper. My stomach bulged out further that my chest and my limbs were just ghastly. Rubbing my stomach I grabbed my waste bin, stuck my fingers as far back down my throat and emptied the contents of my stomach. I could barely hear Kaoru in the bathroom but I knew it was some type of disagreeing sound to my actions because the walls were practically paper thin. He could obviously hear me. Now and every other time of the day or night.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I leaned against the bathroom wall, my ear placed against the cold surface from inside the shower. Die was vomiting. Again for the fourth or fifth time today. I sighed, rested my head against the shower, letting the scolding water clash with my icy cold flesh. My hand begun to sting so I let the earlier done bandages get soaked and slump down the drain, inspecting my wound discreetly. I glanced over at the mirror we had on the wall. It was small but long horizontal wise so you could seen at least your upper half. Die had bought it so he could spend less time in the morning running back and forth from his room.
I smiled lightly at the thought of those early mornings and the flustered red head. The smile soon fading as I raised my hand to touch my shoulder. The gaping wound that was there, well it was gone and healed but it will always be there. And now to match was this injured hand. That too will never fade. I could clearly hear Die moving about. Probably getting rid of the waste from his bin that would have stunk out his room by now. Window open and all. Hearing the door slam shut I reached for my towel, slipping it snuggled round my hips, wrapping a facecloth around my hand at the same time.
Die seemed hurt at the fact I kept yelling at him. It’s not that I intend to be so angry at the younger one, it just comes across that way. I looked down at my hand again, stroking the ragged material softly. This belongs to Die. But strange enough to say…
I don’t actually care.
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“Stupid nurse thinks she can tell me what and what not to do. Noooo, don’t do that Mr.Hara. Mr.Hara stop trying to jump out the window. Blah!”
I hopped down the clean hospital corridor as I had a cast on my right leg and I still hadn’t mastered the power of crutches just yet. Everything seemed to have calmed down though since I settled down instead of my usual ranting and raving behaviour. I just gave up I suppose but I do remember there being a load of commotion while I was drugged earlier.
“Wonder what happened.”
I was brought out of my lingering thoughts as I saw someone sprint past me at full speed, knocking into me to spin at a 360 degree angle. I balanced myself on the tiled wall, digging my nails into the small grooves as support. I watched the back of the retreating person, carefully taking in their details. It looked like a girl but I can’t really tell. They had nicely looked after dirty fair hair that was about shoulder length and they were miraculously thin. I hm and hahed over whether to and check up on them.
“MR.HARAAAAA, MR.HAAAARA, WHERE ARE YOOOU?”
Hearing that I quickly headed in the direction of that other person, pulling my decapitated leg behind me.
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I held onto the toilet with all my might, or should I say, what I had left of my might. I panicked and ran so fast I couldn’t tell where I was going but luckily I found these toilets or I would have been doomed. Wiping my mouth I hadn’t got the energy to move so I sat there. Even as I heard the door open I couldn’t pull myself up. I just sat there, breathing lightly as I cooled down.
“Hello? Is anyone in here?”
I remained quiet, but my stomach sure did not. Hearing someone with the intentions of talking to me didn’t make my stomach settle at all and before I knew it, I had my head back within the depths of the toilet, puking up whatever I actually had inside me. I heard the door being pushed slowly, the light appearing and warm on my back. I felt my body curl up and my limbs start to shake but that person did not say anything but they simply rubbed my back.
I shook my head, bitter sobs escaping my mouth and I began to cry. I’m so hopeless! I can’t even thank or communicate with someone who shows me such kindness. I’m a horrible, horrible creature!
“Shssh. No need to cry. Are you not feeling well, want me to get a doctor?”
I repeatedly shook my head from side to side, hoping this person would get my sign. I hate hospitals. I hate doctors. I couldn’t possibly want to stay here or see one for that matter. I just want to go home, where I can eat alone and not feel the need to continuously vomit.
I think this person got what I was trying to say as I felt their shadow descend away from the toilet but as I thought that the door slamming was him leaving it was actually Kyo barging in, knowing exactly where to look for me.
“Shin, Shinya, are you okay? We can go now.”
I nodded my head as I felt Kyo pull my hair back, an arm coming to hold my waist in an attempt to pull my body up and away from the toilet. He let my hair fall as I stood up, my knees weak and limp from the lack of protein and vitamins my body once had this morning. Wiping my mouth on my shirt sleeve I spotted a blue haired boy about my age or just a year older standing by the door in crutches. He must have been the one who followed me and tried to help me.
“Who are you?”
I looked up at Kyo, startled at his tone. It wasn’t harsh but it wasn’t exactly…nice either. The blue haired boy looked unfazed, shrugging his shoulders as he spoke, not making eye contact but focused his eyes on the ceiling as if it was very interesting at this point.
“I saw this…..young individual run in a hurry so I just wanted to see what was up.”
“Nosey.”
“Whatever you say. I was just trying to help…”
Then he left, just like that. I felt Kyo’s grip loosen and he let go, heading towards the door the turned back to me as if waiting. Catching this I followed him, only realising that he didn’t seem hurt at all. I caught up beside him, trying to catch a glimpse of his face. He must have noticed this as he kept darting his eyes down at me then forward again. He stopped, turning his head to me, his hands stuffed deep within his pockets as if in search of something.
“What’s the staring for?”
“I just wanted to see if you were okay or if there were any marks left from when you’re face hit against the ground.”
“……Thanks but no-”
He paused opening his eyes fairly wide then started to grin, leaning towards me. I blinked quickly, wiping my face in anticipation and embarrassment.
“W-What is it? Is there something on my face?”
“You-” He poked my forehead. “Shinya, did not stutter once in that whole conversation.”
“….Oh.”
“Ah, and the doctor wanted me to give this to you.”
“Hm?”
He ruffled through his baggy jeans, lifting something that came in a white packaging out and set it in my hands. I looked down at it in question, turning it over as Kyo continued to walk towards the exit. I flipped through it to see something that looked like a thermometer but like a ice lolly stick at the same time. Kyo yelled back making me blush furiously, my hair completely covering my eyes as my mouth hung open in a crying but unbelievable state.
“You might need this if you ever stay out late one night, you naughty girl!”
Doctors. They just haven’t got a clue, do they?
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CHAPTER FOUR-
I lay across my bed, not really caring about the pains in my stomach from the lack of food or liquids. I was more intrigued by….everything really. People, actions, moods, behaviour. Maybe it would be a good idea to study psychology, like Kyo. Of course I’d have to wait a year before I enrol but I can always wait. Just getting through this last year is all I need to be worried about, for now.
-Knock Knock-
“Shinya, dear. There’s someone here for you.”
I jumped from my bed, trembling at the thought of another human being near me or even wanting to be! I turned to face the other direction as I heard the door squeaking open, footsteps following soon after. Coming closer, closer I felt the newly produced sickness make it’s way up from my stomach just as I felt a hand land on my shoulder I let a squeak escape my lips. I had no intention in turning to face the person which they must have taken this into mind as they forced me to look at them.
“Hello, Shinya.”
My eyes widened and I started to stammer in an attempt to speak to the person but all failed, sadly. He smiled gently and stroked my hair slowly, his lips curled in at the corners. I held my breath, my face becoming flushed, feeling my vision blur and my heart race at an excruciating fast rate.
“K-”
“Shinya!”
I fainted. Again.
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I walked down the city street, blue locks stickling to my coloured skin. It’s a really nice day but no wind and with a cast on my arm it’s hard to move my hair from my face without knocking myself out or falling over from letting the crutch go from my other hand. I have my downsides but in all honesty I did mange this all by myself, no one else to blame. Pffft, as if anyone would be honoured to take the blame. Backstabbing scum bags.
“Such a nuisance.”
I cursed at myself, finally finding a bench to sit on and do so. Everyone looks so happy and peaceful, yeah, not having to worry about what people think about them, opinions and false accusations. Lucky. I wonder how they do it, is it in their heads or just… themselves? Is there something wrong with me, well I do get looks but then randomly ones will treat me with respect and kindness. If that’s what I should call it. It must all be scheme they have planned. Yes, you sick beings, I have you all figured out.
Trying to lift myself off the bench I had long forgotten about my crutch and fell flat bottom onto the path.
“Eugh……damnit!”
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I skipped down the street, how many calories was this burning? Probably not enough. Well, I’ll just pop into the gym at the bottom of the road, it’ll be good enough I should think.
As I ran through the town it was just then when I noticed, some people just can’t be left alone to do as they want or feel as they want to be looked at. I’ve always wished I’d look the way I feel but I’m working on it. However, looking at here it’s quite… unpleasantly a lie. Everyone’s walking about as if they’re the best but in reality they’re not. They backstab ones who may have a bigger nose, put on a few more pounds and even in height! It makes me sick to the pit of my stomach. And there’s-
“Huh…..”
“Damnit! I forgot about my crutch!”
And there’s……him. I don’t know how long I’ve stared at him but it’s a huge gap of time and within that time…no one’s noticed him or tried to give him a hand. He’s practically disabled for crying out loud! They only care for themselves.
“Here, want some help?”
“Hm?”
“You’re kinda on the ground dude.”
I put his crutch at the side of the bench and held my other hand out to him. He sort of just stared at me for awhile before taking it but I didn’t mind. Not like I was extremely busy and I felt sorry for the guy. Up close he looks just about near to my age, maybe a little younger with those puffy cheeks.
“…Thanks.”
“No problem, just be careful. I know well that none of these fuckers would think twice about helping you. Well, see ya!”
“eh…WAIT!”
“Hm?”
“Your name? would be nice.”
“Oh, Die.”
“Die……..”
I ran off before he could drag me into a full scale conversation. I needed to get back on track and lose about another 500 calories before I got to work.
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I stood by the window, cigarette between my lips as I looked outside. It’s really nice and bright, I don’t know why Shinya remains to stay put within his dull room. Maybe that’s why he’s so pale, like porcelain. Poor kid…….
“Waaaaaah! You’re…smoking in-indoors!”
“That’s why I’m at the window. I know you have a hatred for smoke and cigarettes.”
With that I flicked it out the window, eyeing the flustered blonde whom may only have regained consciousness. He defiantly is something. Perfect eyes, lips, face, body, and his character…well he’s innocent to the most extreme extent. He’s…..beautiful. To wonder how I look upon being near such a person. The scars, the hatred, the mood. I’m nothing but crap, utter crap.
“Feeling better?”
“Ah..-U-um, ye-yes.”
I smiled carefully, watching him make his way to his bed, making no eye contact with me at all. Not surprising. I joined him, he scooted a little, an inch even away.
“How have you been, Shinya?”
“….F-Fine.”
Lies. He hasn’t changed in the slightest. I know this as he still refuses to ask a person further questions or reply.
“That’s good.”
Silence. I always hear how silence can slice through bread like a knife, but how can you hear it, if it is indeed silent. It’s harmless, it just provokes people in different ways. Many bad and good. This, I’m not sure what to call it.
“Have you…-”
I jumped, pressing his frail body against the mattress, he seemed unfazed, no outburst, no tantrum. He just lay there, staring back with those honey brown orbs. I didn’t want to answer him, I don’t have to. Who says I do? Staring down at him I noticed all sorts, scars on his neck, his cheek, his hands. They weren’t visible to the human eyes, but me, they were clear.
I bit my lip moving closer to inspect the marks, now he looked uncomfortable. I descended down as he turned his head, I kissed his neck in a rush, he let his hands roam up to plant themselves on my back. His breathing was quiet and gentle, the opposite of a vile creature like me.
“K-Kaoru….”
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“EUGH!”
I kicked my legs in frustration, having my quilt slide off my mattress. I lay there, dark circles formed under my eyes, hair far from brushed and just ugly. I didn’t sleep, I CAN’T Sleep. It’s been a week now and I’ve managed to pull myself through the days without anyone giving me jip or having a temper. I think I’m too tired to fight so I just… let it pass. Finally managing to get myself off the bed without collapsing I rummaged through my wardrobe, flinging whatever my hands could grasp onto my weak body.
I didn’t bother to check my appearance, an excuse to avoid the mirrors and myself in case I went into another fit of sorts. Once in the kitchen I sighed as I opened the fridge-empty, cupboards-empty, freezer-empty. I guess I’ll have to go down to the café for something to stop my hunger sounds.
I’m lucky I don’t share my apartment with anyone nor is the area busy with crowds, but there’s a little café just down the street which gets a good amount of business. As I entered it seemed to be not so busy and without knowing a smile formed on my face. I ordered the breakfast special with a coffee, make that two. I need caffeine, badly.
“There ya go!”
I turned to see a waiter, he had pure red hair, black roots of course, like myself. I tilted my head to the side, cheek against my palm, studying the creature I kinda felt a bit absurd. Not like I should be a person judging anyone but I have to now, right? To fit in like everyone else, they pick on someone, the manipulate a person for their looks and actions but I- As much as I tried, I wasn’t like that. I just couldn’t be. But… this guy… seemed so….fake. If that’s what I could describe it as. He seemed to act fake, his smile, which was yellow.
“Yellow…?”
Maybe he’s a smoker, it could be that as his physic is so thin but……I feel as if I’m lying to myself. I observed him closely as he walked past, and that was it, he waved. His hand, or knuckles even, had scars, just two. That’s when I knew. He may of course be a smoker but his teeth are more yellow because he self-induced vomits. Explaining the marks on his hand, it’s from forcing his hand down his throat too often.
Looking intently I felt a sudden gash a shame come over me. What was I doing, judging this poor guy in my own head, worse that I’m doing it in my head so he can’t hear me! It’s like backstabbing! I can’t believe myself. Without another thought I fled from the café, tears threatening to release themselves without my consent, paranoia wasn’t what it should be called for I knew everyone was watching, even the red head.
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I watched as the man fled from the café, he’d been staring at me for some time now, he probably didn’t even realise himself but I was carefully eyeing him, making judgment I suppose but all is fair, he did it on me first, obviously.
“Die, you’re done for the day!”
“Thanks.”
Lifting my coat I ran down the road towards my University, come to think of it I hadn’t seen Kaoru yet. He should probably be there already, destroying or fighting with someone or something.
I came to a halt at the gates, fixing my hair and clothes, of course I was welcomed like every other day but today, Kaoru there was not. I scanned the area, not finding him at all. I took out my phone, clicking number 1, yes, I have Kaoru on hot key, I need to from loosing him so many times or collecting him down at the station-police that is.
-Riiiiiing.Riiiiiing.Riiiiiiiing.Riiiiiiiing-sorry but the person you are calling is unable to answer your call, please try again later.-
Okay, now I’m worried but worse I have this uneasy feeling in my stomach, something is going on and it’s definitely wrong-hm?
I heard faint sob, turning my head I found the source of this unwanted noise. A boy, hunched up, sitting by the fountain, tears not clear to see as his face was in hiding between his arms but you could tell, well I could anyways.
Walking over I was hesitant to comfort him or seem as if I were to walk to him but just walk past him but he attracted me, not like romance, just like…Kaoru does. Or is that the same- never mind I’m in front of him now. I lean sideways, trying to catch a glimpse of his face but to no prevail he dug his face in deeper, brilliant. And as I went to pat his shoulder I heard a long watery sniff, charming. I went for the kill, curiosity killed the cat, and when I saw this boy, I think I killed all nine.
“Hey, are you okay-”
Yup, killed nine. For whom I was staring at in astonishment was staring back at me with the same exact gaze, if only I had knew earlier I would have just walked past but curiosity killed my cat.
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I lifted my phone with my free hand, seems Die called me earlier, speaking of which he must be at Uni by now. Myself on the other hand….. I looked down at the young boy sleeping on my chest, his hair soft against my skin, thin leg tangled with my knee and his palm against my shoulder as if to trace the tattoos there. I was not at Uni, and probably end up not going today. Not that I could go anyways, Shinya’s still fast asleep, maybe I tired him out too much. Well, I am a few years older than him, he’s not used to this kind of attention yet. Yes-yet, for many years to come I’ll help him adjust, if I’m always here with him. It’s been years now since I only met him as a young infant.
It was a family celebration, my brother’s birthday as I recall, but to me I didn’t really care. I didn’t have much interest in our family or friends, and for them towards me the same. Maybe that’s why I went in search of something better to do to pass the time. My family didn’t like me anyways, I was trouble at school, had mood swings and at the time the doctors just said I need a good beating. And a beating was what I got. Not that I cared about it and maybe karma or God knew this as I was lead to a young boy whom was crying by himself. He had pale skin, long fair hair and plump lips. I was taken back by such a beauty, even though he was crying his tears were like pearls, tiny, sweet pearls. I accompanied him by the bank, my Yukata spread on the grass making a crunching noise. He lifted his head, startled by the sudden break of silence. I stared at him for some time, not in a harsh way but as if examine him. His Yukata hung loose off his shoulder, cheeks stained and eyes puffy. No matter, his tears had stopped at least and he was even more ravishing than I had expected, of course at the age of seven I didn’t use those words, more like pretty and Bood-I-fool. I calmly took his hand, not saying a word nor did he react in a bad way but simply clenched tighter. It was as if we had came to a understanding by touching each other, if that were to happen to anyone else in my family I would have been pushed over by now.
Years after we always saw each other, not planned but just randomly, even our parents don’t really get what’s on between us because when we meet up we don’t exactly talk in front of others. We need to me alone to let our energy connect, with Shinya I don’t get sudden mood swings or tantrums. It’s because of him I have hope. However things changed as he grew older. There is about 3 years between us. I moved on to university and he stayed insecure at High school, because he was alone. I blame myself for his sudden adaptation to life and I wish I could change it but with my own problems it’s hard enough. I put Shinya before myself at all costs, just now he has to do himself the favour and give himself confidence, like Die-
“I should call him…”
I leaned down, grasping my phone, hearing a murmur from the young boy whom seemed to have awakened. I looked down at him with earnest eyes as he pushed himself up to sit on the bed, duvet sliding a long his spine to sit around his lower torso. He rubbed his eyes furiously and looked at me.
“Well,-Afternoon.”
“Mnm….what time is it?”
“12:36”
“WAHHHHHH?! N-No I’m late! Well, Half the day is over!”
“Shssh. Just go in, or take the day off. Not like you don’t deserve it.”
“Kaoru, you say I deserve everything all the time.”
“Because you do.”
“Kaoru……”
I Brought my phone to my ear earning a sigh from Shinya, he lifted the quilt and walked off to the bathroom. I have Die on speedial, yes- number 2 so it’s easy for me to call. Not like I call anyone else.
-Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.Riiiiiiing.Riiii- “WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!?”
I braced my ear from the sudden outburst, it even caused Shinya to peek out from behind the door.
“I’m just going to be late, you not in class?”
“Wha? Oh yeah I am but-MRS SUKOKAI I’M SORRY, NO, NOT IN THE FACE, NOT THE-”
-Dead-
“He should have learned by now…..”
“Who was that?”
“Oh, a friend. He’s a little pissed I’m not in school yet.”
I stood up, sliding my clothes back on, Shinya sat on the end on the bed, looking as if he was deep in thought. I left it, incase it was something serious or related to his attitude. However as I went to leave he spoke.
“you’re all calm again, Kaoru. H-How‘s-that?”
The stutter, he’s afraid I’ll turn on him for speaking like that. I turned to him, leaning down I cupped his cheek, bring him close to myself. I kissed his gently, nipping his bottom lip, I felt him ease down.
“You, calm me down, Shinya. That’s how.”
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