Nicks Eulogy
We had Nick's funeral yesterday. The funeral was for close family and friends, but I know that many of you knew him well. So I've posted the eulogy I made at the funeral (along with a few photos) for everyone to read.
"I'd like to start by saying that it almost feels inappropriate doing this in a suit, given that Nick generally preferred t-shirt and jeans. But I suppose at these occasions you need to put some effort into your appearance. I didn’t have time to get a haircut, but Dad suggested yesterday that I could use Nick's clippers. However, when Nick tried that for the first time, the plastic spacer flew off, and he put a grade zero stripe right up the front of his head, which meant he had to shave all his head to grade zero, which was pretty cold when working outside during the winter months. You may laugh, but I know there is a least one other person in this room who has done the same thing.
Part of the point of this ceremony is to discuss and celebrate Nick's life. However, I think it is important to realise that is it is also part of the process of how we come to terms with what has happened and to help us continue with our lives. Therefore I want to talk a bit about Nick but I also want to offer an attempted explanation as to why he decided to take his own life, and also suggest how we can perhaps take something positive from Nick's death.
Nick was born on 1st August 1978. He would have been 30th last Friday. Those of you who knew him later on in his life might not believe it, but he was quite a small, cute kid with a cheeky smile. We used to call him Tricky Nicky or Tricks when he was young. I'm sure he'd agree that he had fantastic childhood, although he'd probably add that I beat him too many times. He always used to say that he wanted to grow up quickly so he could return the favour. Seeing how big he grew, I'm glad to say we got along a lot better after I left home.
Nick went to school at George Abbot, round the corner from home. He struggled a bit with his A-Levels, but had a strong interest in nature and the environment, and made his own mind up to do a degree in Environmental Biology at Bath Spa Uni. I think it is fair to say that Nick wasn't a natural academic, but after three years of very serious partying he was still tenacious and hard-working enough to come out with a degree, which he followed up several years later with a Masters in Environmental Management. He always claimed not to be very clever but those degrees prove that wasn't the case.
Nick did a variety of outdoor jobs, including several years working as an estate hand for the Surrey Wildlife Trust. For a person who loved nature and trees, he spent a lot of time cutting them down, and even had the "Certificate of Competence in Chain Saw and Related Operations - Level 2" to prove it. I said he should get it printed on a t-shirt. He's spent the last 18 months looking job where he could use his academic knowledge a bit more, and had just started as an assistant warden for Leigh Woods in Bristol, which I'm sure he would have really enjoyed.
Looking through Nick's stuff has reminded me of just what a talented guy he was. He had a strong artistic streak, and he did some great pencil sketches and was starting to take wildlife photos. He liked reading, science fiction and graphic novels especially, and had a strong interest in all kinds of films. He'd travelled round the world for six months, and wrote it up in his on-line journal, with turn of phrase that wasn't always grammatically correct but always distinct and fun to read. He was physically fit, partially from working outside, but he'd also run a couple of half marathons, a triathlon, and surfed. He really enjoyed music, mostly alternative rock and dance music, and loved going to gigs and clubs. He had a distinctive dance style (lots of arm waving) and he'd just started learning to mix dance records on a couple of
decks. He was a good cook and made some great puddings, especially a crumble which was just the thing after a cold winter’s surf.
Basically he was a fantastic guy - kind, loving, generous, knew how to party, and a good listener (he didn't have much of a choice with me as a brother). He earned the nickname Rhino at university, partly because he was a bit clumsy and a quick to anger. But it was also appropriate because he was at heart a gentle and shy man.
Having said all this, it does raise the question of why he would want to take his own life. I obviously can't speak exactly for Nick, but I think I share enough genes and experiences with him to take a good guess.
Nick was afflicted with depression, which I think he has coped with since about the age of 16 or 17. If you've not had depression or been close to someone who has, it can be hard illness to understand. I'd explain it by saying that most people have two voices in their heads: one positive, one negative. These voices do argue, but they mostly seem to balance out over a period of time. But with depression, for a multitude of reasons, you only seem to be able to hear the negative voice. This can make you feel strong negative emotions much of the time and it causes you to think irrationally. You convince yourself there is nothing anyone else can do to help you, and therefore push people away by avoiding them, simply hiding what you really feel, and reacting with hostility if pressed. Because you often feel very low when you are awake you adopt coping strategies like sleeping a lot, or by drinking (which usually make things worse).
I think Nick has been coping with this for some time, but I think not having a job and getting continual rejections from applications exacerbated the problem. Despite the efforts of everyone close to him, I think he finally decided that the only way to stop feeling unhappy was to take the action that he did. With his new job, I think he could have recovered, but it would have been a long and difficult path, and he probably thought he couldn't recover or felt that it would take too long. And although I disagree with him and wish he hadn't made the choice he, it was his decision, and I understand it and in a certain way respect him for it.
However, his action has caused all of us a great deal of grief and pain. So perhaps if we can take anything positive out of Nick's decision, it is to understand our own internal voices and those of other people better. We will all experience grief in different ways. What Nick should have done, and I hope we can all do, is not to hide away listening to that negative voice, but to find appropriate forums to honestly express those feelings, and to make sure you listen to the positive voice as well. Also (and this applies especially to myself), we should try to get a lot better at listening to other peoples problems and helping others express themselves. Because I probably spent a bit too much time telling Nick what he should do, and not enough time listening to what he was really feeling. To summarise this, I'd like to quote two great philosophers in a way I'm sure Nick would have preferred: "Be excellent to each other!" “Party on dudes!”
Finally, I'd like to return to Nick. We went to see him one final time yesterday, and he did look completely at peace. Nick always said he wanted to come back as a cat, as he always admired a creature that can sleep 18 hours a day. So I hope that somewhere out there, there's a new kitten dozing peacefully, with a just hint of that cheeky smile.
So long Nick. Enjoy the big sleep."
Please feel free to add any comments or memories that you might have of Nick. Thanks for everyone's support over the last few weeks, its been of great help.
I'm also intending to put together an album of photos and of his sketches, but this won't be until I've had a chance to go through his stuff. But if you've got anything you'd like to contribute please send it me.
"I'd like to start by saying that it almost feels inappropriate doing this in a suit, given that Nick generally preferred t-shirt and jeans. But I suppose at these occasions you need to put some effort into your appearance. I didn’t have time to get a haircut, but Dad suggested yesterday that I could use Nick's clippers. However, when Nick tried that for the first time, the plastic spacer flew off, and he put a grade zero stripe right up the front of his head, which meant he had to shave all his head to grade zero, which was pretty cold when working outside during the winter months. You may laugh, but I know there is a least one other person in this room who has done the same thing.
Part of the point of this ceremony is to discuss and celebrate Nick's life. However, I think it is important to realise that is it is also part of the process of how we come to terms with what has happened and to help us continue with our lives. Therefore I want to talk a bit about Nick but I also want to offer an attempted explanation as to why he decided to take his own life, and also suggest how we can perhaps take something positive from Nick's death.
Nick was born on 1st August 1978. He would have been 30th last Friday. Those of you who knew him later on in his life might not believe it, but he was quite a small, cute kid with a cheeky smile. We used to call him Tricky Nicky or Tricks when he was young. I'm sure he'd agree that he had fantastic childhood, although he'd probably add that I beat him too many times. He always used to say that he wanted to grow up quickly so he could return the favour. Seeing how big he grew, I'm glad to say we got along a lot better after I left home.
Nick went to school at George Abbot, round the corner from home. He struggled a bit with his A-Levels, but had a strong interest in nature and the environment, and made his own mind up to do a degree in Environmental Biology at Bath Spa Uni. I think it is fair to say that Nick wasn't a natural academic, but after three years of very serious partying he was still tenacious and hard-working enough to come out with a degree, which he followed up several years later with a Masters in Environmental Management. He always claimed not to be very clever but those degrees prove that wasn't the case.
Nick did a variety of outdoor jobs, including several years working as an estate hand for the Surrey Wildlife Trust. For a person who loved nature and trees, he spent a lot of time cutting them down, and even had the "Certificate of Competence in Chain Saw and Related Operations - Level 2" to prove it. I said he should get it printed on a t-shirt. He's spent the last 18 months looking job where he could use his academic knowledge a bit more, and had just started as an assistant warden for Leigh Woods in Bristol, which I'm sure he would have really enjoyed.
Looking through Nick's stuff has reminded me of just what a talented guy he was. He had a strong artistic streak, and he did some great pencil sketches and was starting to take wildlife photos. He liked reading, science fiction and graphic novels especially, and had a strong interest in all kinds of films. He'd travelled round the world for six months, and wrote it up in his on-line journal, with turn of phrase that wasn't always grammatically correct but always distinct and fun to read. He was physically fit, partially from working outside, but he'd also run a couple of half marathons, a triathlon, and surfed. He really enjoyed music, mostly alternative rock and dance music, and loved going to gigs and clubs. He had a distinctive dance style (lots of arm waving) and he'd just started learning to mix dance records on a couple of
decks. He was a good cook and made some great puddings, especially a crumble which was just the thing after a cold winter’s surf.
Basically he was a fantastic guy - kind, loving, generous, knew how to party, and a good listener (he didn't have much of a choice with me as a brother). He earned the nickname Rhino at university, partly because he was a bit clumsy and a quick to anger. But it was also appropriate because he was at heart a gentle and shy man.
Having said all this, it does raise the question of why he would want to take his own life. I obviously can't speak exactly for Nick, but I think I share enough genes and experiences with him to take a good guess.
Nick was afflicted with depression, which I think he has coped with since about the age of 16 or 17. If you've not had depression or been close to someone who has, it can be hard illness to understand. I'd explain it by saying that most people have two voices in their heads: one positive, one negative. These voices do argue, but they mostly seem to balance out over a period of time. But with depression, for a multitude of reasons, you only seem to be able to hear the negative voice. This can make you feel strong negative emotions much of the time and it causes you to think irrationally. You convince yourself there is nothing anyone else can do to help you, and therefore push people away by avoiding them, simply hiding what you really feel, and reacting with hostility if pressed. Because you often feel very low when you are awake you adopt coping strategies like sleeping a lot, or by drinking (which usually make things worse).
I think Nick has been coping with this for some time, but I think not having a job and getting continual rejections from applications exacerbated the problem. Despite the efforts of everyone close to him, I think he finally decided that the only way to stop feeling unhappy was to take the action that he did. With his new job, I think he could have recovered, but it would have been a long and difficult path, and he probably thought he couldn't recover or felt that it would take too long. And although I disagree with him and wish he hadn't made the choice he, it was his decision, and I understand it and in a certain way respect him for it.
However, his action has caused all of us a great deal of grief and pain. So perhaps if we can take anything positive out of Nick's decision, it is to understand our own internal voices and those of other people better. We will all experience grief in different ways. What Nick should have done, and I hope we can all do, is not to hide away listening to that negative voice, but to find appropriate forums to honestly express those feelings, and to make sure you listen to the positive voice as well. Also (and this applies especially to myself), we should try to get a lot better at listening to other peoples problems and helping others express themselves. Because I probably spent a bit too much time telling Nick what he should do, and not enough time listening to what he was really feeling. To summarise this, I'd like to quote two great philosophers in a way I'm sure Nick would have preferred: "Be excellent to each other!" “Party on dudes!”
Finally, I'd like to return to Nick. We went to see him one final time yesterday, and he did look completely at peace. Nick always said he wanted to come back as a cat, as he always admired a creature that can sleep 18 hours a day. So I hope that somewhere out there, there's a new kitten dozing peacefully, with a just hint of that cheeky smile.
So long Nick. Enjoy the big sleep."
Please feel free to add any comments or memories that you might have of Nick. Thanks for everyone's support over the last few weeks, its been of great help.
I'm also intending to put together an album of photos and of his sketches, but this won't be until I've had a chance to go through his stuff. But if you've got anything you'd like to contribute please send it me.