(no subject)
It´s hard to say that I was wrong.
It´s hard to say I miss you.
Since you´ve been gone it´s not the same..
So today was the worst day ever.. I was in religion class and my mum called me up.. she said if something happened to dad during school hours she would call 1 signal and then I would call her back on the school phone we can borrow. but she didn´t hang up so I anwered and then she told me to go home directly and take the train to the hostpital cause dad was dying.
I shut of the computer as fast as i could and then I told my teacher and then he asked why and I told him I had to go to the hospital cause dad was there and then he asked if I was just going for a visit so then I had to tell him my dad was dying and he told me to take care.. and then as I practicly "ran" out of the classroom my friend yelled at me and wanted to know where I was going so i had to tell her aswell that my dad was dying and seeing her face go from "don´t sneak out of class" to "OMG" scared me.. She has lost her dad aswell in a fire. or he got that dangerous gas that comes from a fire into his lungs and died.. but she was much younger then I am.
well.. so I ran down to the trainstation but mum called me and told me the woman that takes the "sickness" calls at school was going to drive me in.. but we didn´t get there in time.. none of us did so daddy died alone surrounded by nurses..
I´m not sad really. maybe it hasn´t gotten to me yet. I´m not sad cause it was best for him to die since he has been suffering over a year now.. So those of you that didn´t know WHY I was cutting and being soo depressed now knows..
My dad have been suffering from uncureable cancer since december 2003.
I was a complete mess when I got into the hospital and a even worse one when I left.. seeing my dad lay there with his hands on his chest and no longer breathing made me cry. They said he "fell asleep" peacefully but what the fuck do they know.. They don´t know if he was scared when he felt his heart beat slower and slower and knowing this might be my last breathe.. Now all I got as a memory of him was when I visited him last saturday and when we said goodbye.. he smiled and waved at me.
That is the only thing I will see when I close my eyes and offcourse how he was laying there in bed..... dead.
well I migh go to a friends for a couple of days up in Stockholm... depends on if I have the money, or actually mum has the money and if I could stay at her place.. her mum is kinda strict now since this guy named Viktor have been spending alot of time at her place and she skipped school cause of him.. so we´ll see how it all goes.. I´ll sure need it though..
<333 Jenni