fic: Not Like a Thunderbolt, Part One
Title: Not Like a Thunderbolt
Pairing: Kurt/Finn
Summary: Falling in love with his stepbrother is not like anything Finn’s ever seen in a movie. It’s confusing and life-altering, and between Burt, Blaine, and burnt crêpes, Finn doesn’t know up from down anymore. He does his best to make sense of it all, but in the end he really only knows two things: Kurt is amazing and Finn wants him.
Note: Written for 2012 gleebigbang. Go to the Masterpost for more details.
Bonus art by starsandgutters
Finn learns from movies that when you fall in love, it’s supposed to feel like a thunderbolt. The romantic lead goes about his or her life being a magazine editor or a radioactive spider-bitten teenager until they meet the person that just strikes them, which eventually ends with a kiss or a wedding, but always with a happily ever after.
Finn admits that he’s never really had that experience. His love for Rachel grew slowly; every day she did little things that were cute and awesome and persistent until eventually it added up to love. When he proposed and she accepted, he thought it was the beginning of their fairy tale, but in the end what he had to offer wasn’t enough for her. When he thinks about it, Finn wonders if they didn’t last because he didn’t fall in love right.
It isn’t a thunderbolt with Kurt either. With Kurt it’s like water… like a spring shower that is light and unassuming until it collects and overwhelms, flowing over, into, around without exception until everything is overtaken. It may not be the same as lightning, but he figures that it’s pretty close. Besides, which one is more devastating: a lightning strike or a flood?
---
Finn and Kurt sit elbow-to-elbow at their kitchen table on a Tuesday night doing their homework. Usually Kurt does his in his bedroom-most often with Blaine in tow-but Finn needs some help with balancing chemical equations. The problems are kind of like if science and math had babies, and then those babies were exposed to radiation and became mutant-hybrid supervillains. Since Finn doesn’t have super strength or laser eyes, Kurt offers his help.
“Really?” Finn is a little shocked. “I didn’t know you were any good at this sort of thing.”
Kurt tilts his head in Finn’s direction. “I have many hidden talents, Finn. I’m more than just a pretty face, you know.”
Finn backpedals. “No, no… that’s not what I meant! I just meant that you never said you like math and stuff. French is your favorite class and math is like, way different.”
“Yes, well. I suppose I can give you a pass. You wouldn’t be the first person to be too dazzled by my wardrobe and general fabulousness to notice my other abilities.”
Finn looks at Kurt’s face to decide if he’s serious-Finn knows that if Rachel said the same thing, she totally would be-but Kurt’s eyes are dancing a little and his mouth is all smirky. Finn relaxes and smiles back.
“So,” Kurt says, back to business. “How can I help?”
Finn shows Kurt his homework set. Kurt had Chemistry last year while Finn had put it off and Finn could kick himself for it now. Why did he think that postponing his hardest classes was a good idea? Did he really think that he’d be that much smarter when he was a senior?
Kurt shows Finn the steps to solving the problems. He gives Finn tips, telling him that if he puts in the wrong coefficient that he can always change it later. “That’s why it’s called ‘balancing’, Finn… If you get too many molecules on one side, you can always balance it out with the other side!” Kurt is bright and animated; trying to make it make sense to Finn, but trying to make it fun, too. Finn isn’t sure he’ll ever find it fun, but he appreciates the effort.
After a couple of examples, Kurt steps back to let Finn try. It’s not as hard when Kurt can redirect him from mistakes, but eventually he leaves Finn to do it all on his own, causing Finn to start with the wrong molecules and throw his hands up when he reaches a dead end. When Finn gets stuck though, Kurt is patient, asking Finn questions to direct him where to look next, and when Finn gets too frustrated, Kurt isn’t afraid to stop Finn from raging with a hand on his forearm. It doesn’t help solve the problem, but it’s comforting. Finn opens his mouth and turns to Kurt with the purpose of giving up, but when his eyes meet Kurt’s, something stops Finn in his tracks.
Kurt is looking at Finn with such patient understanding and expectation that something catches in Finn’s chest. Kurt’s hand is still on Finn’s forearm, heavy and warm, and as Finn meets his eyes he smiles a bit, encouraging. Finn gapes, realizations aligning and clicking in his mind as if they had been locked and were suddenly offered the key.
Finn understands that Kurt isn’t like this for everyone. Kurt can be easily frustrated, even impatient with people; Kurt often has to remind himself that others don’t always think and feel the way he does. The fact that Kurt is being so understanding now isn’t really a reflection of his skills as a tutor-though he is actually pretty good-but of something else. Kurt is being this way for Finn, because he and Finn are bros and friends and yeah, they probably love each other a little bit.
That thought causes a chain reaction, kind of like the chemical reactions he’s been trying to balance and whoa-he’s been thinking about homework for way too long. Each insight provokes the next until he’s overwhelmed: Finn and Kurt at school, in Glee, at home… little moments and small gestures and unsolicited kindnesses. They fall on Finn, rushing at him like raindrops in an unexpected storm: collecting, level rising until he is up to his ankles, his waist, his neck. He waits for the deluge to end, waits for the weight of the feeling to subside so that his lungs can expand and he can breathe again. It doesn’t; Finn finds himself completely underwater.
So that’s how Finn finds out. He sits at his kitchen table, hands flat on the tabletop with his homework totally forgotten in the space between them. He looks into his stepbrother’s eyes, panting for breath, and thinks I’ve never loved anyone like I love you.
---
The problem with realizing that you’re in love with your stepbrother is that nobody can tell that your whole world just tilted a little and you’re having trouble finding balance again. As much as he feels fundamentally altered by the discovery, Finn knows that it isn’t written on his forehead, nor is he wearing a t-shirt that says “Brother Lover” or “Sexual Awakening” or whatever else is happening. Because while Kurt may be a guy and Finn’s never really been into guys, Finn suddenly starts noticing how hot Kurt is all the time and damn; how had he not noticed before?
Finn does his best to go on about his life normally; he goes to school, prepares numbers for Glee, attends basketball practice, and asks Kurt for homework help, just like he did before. The difference is that now he finds himself kind of distracted. Well, okay… maybe Finn has always been a little distracted, but it’s even worse. Even when Kurt isn’t around, little things remind Finn of him like, all the time. One afternoon Finn sees a commercial on TV with a cat that knows how to massage-Finn needs that cat-and it reminds him of that time when Kurt almost wanted a kitten.
“While I appreciate their sensuous nature and fierce independence, I have also come to realize that they shed. A lot. I don’t want to have to carry around a lint roller wherever I go! Although it would give me an excuse to buy that Marc Jacobs shoulder bag…”
Finn remembers and smiles to himself, but there’s a sadness there, too. He feels like his soul is a sweater that keeps getting pulled and snagged on something, and that something is Kurt-unapologetic and razor-sharp. Finn doesn’t know what to do about it because the person he always takes his sweater snags to is Kurt, and while this snag isn’t literal, Finn wishes that he could take his soul-sweater to Kurt anyway. Kurt always knows what to do about these kinds of things.
Finn sighs heartily and scrubs his face with his hands. It’s been a week since The Realization-the event is so momentous that it’s capitalized in his head-and Finn isn’t sure he can deal with this by himself. He considers talking to Rachel about it, but he’s afraid to hurt her feelings; they just split up about a month ago, and she would be crushed to know that he’s gotten over her so quickly. Besides, she has this odd fascination with idea of Finn and Kurt making out, so... yeah, bad idea.
Finn wonders if the guys from Glee could help, but he’s kind of afraid of what they’ll say. He’s not concerned so much about the whole apparently-I’m-kinda-gay issue; he figures that they probably got past any hang-ups with gayness last year. He is mostly worried that they’ll judge him for wanting Kurt. First of all, Kurt is his stepbrother, and most of the time they refer to each other without even using the word ‘step’. Secondly, pretty much everyone in the Glee club is rooting for Kurt to get with Blaine.
Stupid Blaine. Finn gets it… sorta. Blaine’s pretty good-looking, polite-Kurt loves that-and he’s a good singer. But he’s also short and kind of a know-it-all. Finn’s pretty sure that Blaine’s dependency on hair gel could qualify him for an episode of Intervention, but whatever. Blaine is decent, charming, one-hundred-percent-out-of-the-closet-gay, and Kurt likes him. Finn is pretty sure he could never compete, better hair or not.
Finn stares at the TV without watching it. He decides that he can either suffer in silence, hoping that one day he’ll figure it out on his own, or he can ask for help. Suffering sucks, so asking for advice is clearly the better choice, but he’s already established that he can’t ask any of his friends. Even if he left out who he had feelings for, the gossip machine would work on overdrive until they either figured it out or made something up and he didn’t want that, for him or Kurt. He rules out Mr. Schue for the same reason. People would surely see them talking, and they would ask what they were talking about; Finn would be hounded, and the last thing he wants is to be hounded about something like this.
He definitely doesn’t want to ask his mom, either. He knows that she loves to help him with life stuff, but he still feels weird about it. She would ask all sorts of questions about his feelings, which would be okay except that at least some of his feelings about Kurt are pretty sexy and he prefers to keep his sexy feelings in a different room than his mom. Just because he’s in love with his stepbrother doesn’t mean he’s a weirdo.
Finn needs to ask someone who is his friend, but isn’t one of his high school friends. He figures a grown-up would be good, because they probably know more about love and sex and stuff. When he thinks of all the people he trusts who are grown-ups, his friend, and not a teacher at his school, he can only come up with one person who falls within all categories.
Some people would probably think it’s weird to ask gay love advice from your straight stepfather who also happens to be the biological father of the dude you love. Finn, though, is kind of tired of worrying all the time about what other people think. Besides, he’s pretty sure he can avoid the subject of who if he talks hypothetically. Finn nods once in decision, pulls himself up off the couch, and finds Burt at the kitchen table-where this whole thing started, Finn thinks-reading the newspaper.
Finn walks in with enough purpose that it makes Burt look up from his reading. “Hey, kiddo,” Burt greets him. He smiles big without showing his teeth. Kurt smiles like that all the time.
“Hey!” Finn yells too loudly to be casual. He falls with a thump into the chair diagonally across from Burt. Burt must notice Finn’s odd behavior because he pulls a face.
Finn considers making small talk, but he knows Burt will see through it anyway. He’s pretty good at detecting BS. “Hey, Burt.” Finn looks down as he says it, chickening out of making eye contact. He really wishes he had something to do with his hands. “Can I talk to you about some stuff? Like, important stuff?”
Burt is the picture of serenity. “Sure, buddy. What’s up?”
Finn fidgets a little. Burt is a cool guy and Finn’s never really been scared of him, though Finn did have a couple of nightmares after that one time in the basement. Nevertheless he can see how people might be intimidated; Burt’s attention is intense and inescapable. It’s okay though, because before he had the guts to walk in here, Finn practiced everything he’s going to say. He has every line planned out so that he can bring up the subject smoothly, avoid any suspicious details, get the advice he needs, and then get the hell out of there.
Unfortunately, all of his plans fly out the window. He takes one look at Burt, gets sucked in by his frankness, and says, “I’m in love with Kurt.”
The second it’s out of his mouth, Finn can feel his own physical reaction to what he’s just said. His eyes are impossibly wide-probably even wider than that time he watched Puck stuff an entire orange in his mouth-and his blood feels cold in his veins. He continues looking at Burt, who looks as stunned as Finn feels, his forehead creased with lines from his raised eyebrows. When Burt doesn’t move or say anything, Finn panics and starts to get up.
“No, no, no,” Burt says, grabbing at Finn’s sleeve and yanking, guiding Finn back into his seat. “You’re not gettin’ off that easy.” Finn freaks out a little bit, trying to wrap his mind around what he just said. Meanwhile Burt just keeps looking at him. After a moment of silence-or possibly an eternity, Finn isn’t really sure-Burt quietly asks, “D’you mean it?”
Finn wishes he could be composed and manly like Burt and answer the question with the gravity that it deserves. Instead he can’t really risk opening his mouth for fear he might cry, so he just nods shakily.
“Hey…” Burt grasps Finn’s upper arm firmly with his hand, like Finn might run away if he doesn’t. “It’s okay.”
“Do you hate me?” Finn doesn’t realize he was worried about it until he asks. He doesn’t really think Burt would hate him, but suddenly he feels like Burt’s answer is very important.
“Hate you?” Burt huffs a quiet laugh and it breaks some of the tension. “Why would I hate you?”
Finn focuses on a knot in the wood of the tabletop, shaking his head. “I don’t know. I know it’s not, ya know, bad or anything, but I just feel so guilty.” Finn breathes. “Is that normal?”
“To love someone and feel guilty about it? No, not in my experience. ‘M not sure what you have to feel guilty about, though.”
Finn thinks about it. How do you take something so big and put it into words? Words have never been Finn’s strong suit. “I don’t know. It’s like… I don’t feel like I have a right to feel this way, ya know? For lots of reasons. A part of me knows I had my chance a long time ago, and I didn’t want it. To want it now, now that he’s over me and we’re friends and freaking brothers, just seems wrong. It’s unfair.”
Burt crosses his arms and sits back in his chair studying Finn. “Well, these kinds of things are almost never fair, and they certainly aren’t easy, but that doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything wrong.”
Finn nods to himself, more in acknowledgement than in belief. “So you’re not mad?”
“No.” Burt answers like the answer is obvious and shakes his head. “Surprised? Yeah, kinda. But I’m not mad or whatever you think I should be.”
Finn exhales so hard that he slumps even farther over the table. He considers protesting, explaining to Burt all the reasons he could be angry. He doesn’t, though; he’s pretty sure Burt gets it anyway. “And you don’t think it’s weird?”
Burt shrugs. “You can’t help you love, kid. And I can’t blame you for fallin’ for Kurt. He’s pretty great.”
Finn nods, this time with complete sincerity. “Yeah. He is.”
Finn can feel Burt considering him. He wonders what he sees. “Thanks for tellin’ me,” Burt says suddenly, leaning forward again and resting his arms on the table. The fact that he can still look Finn in the eye is reassuring.
“So?” Finn shrugs his shoulders.
“So what?”
“So what do I do? You’ve gotta help me! I feel like I’m losing my mind!” Finn plants his elbows on the table and buries his face in his hands.
Burt laughs, big and bright. “I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to feel like that.” Finn can see through his fingers that Burt is watching him. When Burt decides that Finn is serious, he speaks again. “This is really tearin’ you up, isn’t it?”
Finns sighs. “Yeah.”
“Well then, I guess you gotta decide what you want. You think it’s something that is gonna pass? And more important, is that what you want?”
Finn drops his hands to the surface of the table and looks at Burt. It’s an important question. Does he want to get over Kurt? It would be easier if he did; simpler. On the other hand, the way he feels with Kurt is something entirely new. It’s exciting and confusing and dramatic, yeah, but it’s also… secure, solid, familiar. He’s pretty sure that that is what this is supposed to feel like. Finn opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He sits with his jaw open, waiting for the answer to become clear, but he’s got nothing.
“Hey…” Burt leans forward and puts his hand on Finn’s arm again. “It’s not something you hafta answer right now. It’s not a race.” Burt glances at the wall clock behind Finn’s head. “Aw, geez. When’d it get so late?” He pats Finn and stands up, folding the paper to take it with him. “I hate to run out on you, bud, but they’re expecting me down at the shop. You gonna be okay?”
Finn just nods blankly.
“A’right. Gimme a call if you need me.” He pats Finn again as he passes to leave the room.
“Okay… thanks.” Finn replies flatly, but Burt’s already gone.
---
Finn considers Burt’s questions very carefully over the next few days. Whenever he has a minute, he thinks about it… and Kurt would probably be grossed out if he knew that Finn thinks about him in the bathroom. Whatever; it’s important. Finn isn’t sleeping well and he’s afraid he never will again unless he just comes to a decision already.
Finn knows that smart people sometimes make pros-and-cons lists to decide things-he’s seen it on TV-so he gives it a try. He gets a blank sheet of notebook paper and draws a vertical line down the center, labeling the left side “Pro” and the right side “Con.” He considers titling the sheet “Telling Kurt I Love Him”, but decides against it. For one thing he could never forget about what he was trying to settle, and furthermore if anyone ever found it, he might die… because if embarrassment didn’t kill him, Kurt probably would.
In the end, he doesn’t actually write anything on the sheet. It feels wrong to fill the right column up with cons while leaving the left side blank, but unfortunately all he can come up with is reasons why telling Kurt is a bad, bad idea. Instead he just keeps track of the reasons in his head, deciding that when he comes up with some solid pros, he’ll actually bother to write it all down. After a couple of days, it’s starting to look dire for the pro-side, until Kurt floats into Finn’s room one day with a story that has Kurt laughing musically in his delight and disbelief, making Finn say to himself, Screw the list.
---
Burt bends at the waist as he disassembles the car’s engine. He’s kind of grimy and sweaty, so it’s been a busy day. Finn wonders if maybe it isn’t a good time and that he should try again tomorrow, or at least wait until Burt gets home. Then he remembers why he didn’t just do that in the first place: Kurt is at home and Finn really doesn’t want to risk him overhearing. Finn hesitates several feet from Burt; before it’s too late to back out, Burt looks up and catches Finn’s eye. He looks happy to see Finn, so maybe it isn’t such a terrible time after all.
“Hey, buddy!” Burt withdraws from under the engine hood, grabbing a towel from his pocket and wiping the grease from his hands. “You here to help?”
Finn shuffles his feet nervously. “No, not really… but I can help you if you need it! I’ll just go grab my coveralls…”
Burt waves his hand. “You don’t have to. I just thought maybe you were here to make some cash ‘s all.”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something. Maybe in your office?”
“Sure. I’ve got a few.” He gestures with his head to the back of the building.
Hands white-knuckle tight on the straps of his backpack, Finn leads the way. Even though Burt says he doesn’t hate him and that he wouldn’t, Finn is still nervous. It’s one thing to be confused and a completely different other thing to walk into something with his eyes open. As he walks Finn wonders if Burt was hoping that Finn would decide to get over it; that he’d figured it all out and he’d been mistaken. As much as he loves Kurt, he loves Burt too and doesn’t want to disappoint him.
Finn enters the office but doesn’t sit; he’s too keyed up to sit. Burt follows him in and closes the door behind them. “What’s on your mind, kid?”
“Remember the thing I told you about the other day?” Finn does his best to brace himself. “The thing with Kurt?”
Burt doesn’t move or give anything away. “I think I’d feel better if you said it out loud.”
“About how I’m in love with him.” Finn stands firm and maintains eye contact, even though it’s hard.
“It’s a hard thing to forget.”
“You told me that I needed to decide what I wanted. That I needed to decide if it’s something I want to get over. Well, I don’t. I don’t want to get over it. In fact, I kinda wanna get under it.”
Finn has never seen Burt’s eyebrows rise so quickly. Burt shifts his weight and his jaw drops open, but Finn doesn’t want to give him a chance to speak.
“Wait!” Finn interjects before Burt can get the wrong idea. “That’s not what I meant! I just meant that maybe I want him to know… not that-oh, god.”
Finn lands gracelessly in the chair in front of Burt’s desk. He’s kicking himself already; how can he expect Burt to not want to kill him if he’s going to insinuate dirty sex things?
Finn is looking anywhere but at Burt when he hears Burt laugh. It’s not his Three Stooges laugh; it’s not even his laughing-at-his wife’s-jokes laugh. It sounds a little more awkward than that.
“Calm down, kid. Don’t have a coronary. I have it on good authority that Kurt would never forgive either of us for scaring him like that again.” Finn thinks a coronary might be kinder, but Burt ignores his discomfort. “Let me help you out,” Burt begins. “If I’m hearin’ you right, you’re sayin’ that you might wanna give this thing with Kurt a shot. Am I wrong?”
Finn shakes his head. “I’ve thought about it, and there are plenty of reasons why I should drop it… try to forget it, but there’s one really important reason not to.” His voice gets quiet and serious. “It’s never been like this before. I thought maybe I’d found something real with Rachel-and maybe I did-but it was nothing like this. I don’t know why this happened or why it happened now, but I can’t ignore it. And I don’t wanna just pass it up because it’s not easy.”
Burt is quiet, studying Finn for long minutes. Finn doesn’t fill the silence; he has nothing more to say. Burt pulls his cap off, holding it by the brim and scratching the top of his head with the same hand before pulling it back on tightly. He looks at Finn decidedly. “Okay.”
Finn wasn’t sure what he was expecting Burt’s reaction to be, but he thought it would be more than one word. “Okay?”
Burt hums in affirmation, standing up from where he’d been leaning against the edge of his desk. “You sound like you’ve made up your mind and I can’t blame ya. I’ve been where you are now, and ignoring it isn’t something anyone should hafta do.” Burt sighs. “I don’t know how this is gonna go down with Kurt, but I’m not gonna object to you two figuring it out. But if you two become an item, I want to know about it, ‘cause you’ll have to follow the same house rules with him that you would have to follow with anyone, ya get me?”
“Yeah. Absolutely.”
“Well, I better get back to it… unless you’ve got some other bombshell to drop on me.” Finn shakes his head furiously. Burt slaps Finn on the shoulder as he heads for the door of his office. Finn knows the gesture is friendly, but Burt hits hard. As his hand lands on the doorknob, Burt turns back to Finn before exiting. “You gonna tell him tonight?”
Finn’s stricken. He honestly hadn’t thought about it. He’d spent all his mental energy trying to decide if he was going to tell Kurt, and it occurs to him now that he’d never even considered how and when he would tell him. “I… I don’t know. I guess I haven’t gotten that far.”
Burt looks sympathetic. “Well, take your time and do it right. It’s all you can do.” Burt hesitates briefly before disappearing out the door.
---
Finn admits that forethought doesn’t come easily to him. Kurt though, he’s a planner. Kurt likes to allow for every contingency so that no matter what happens he is prepared. Finn respects that. He feels like if he’s going to do this whole confessing-his-feelings thing properly, he’s going to need to be more like Kurt. He needs a plan.
Kurt once tried to teach Finn how to make crêpes. Finn was stoked; you can’t buy frozen crêpes like you can frozen waffles, and it kind of sucks having to rely on other people for fresh ones. Kurt demonstrated all the steps as they went along before writing them down as Finn tried for himself. Things went well that day; Kurt had seemed pleased with Finn’s eagerness and ability to follow. Kurt stuck the instructions on the fridge with a magnet, so that if Finn ever craved crêpes in the middle of the night, he would never wake Kurt up for them ever, ever again.
The problem is that things are really easy to do when you have someone experienced watching to warn you when you’re about to go wrong. When that person is gone though, well, you end up forgetting to spray your stepbrother’s custom-ordered crêpe pan and all your crêpes get stuck, leaving you to eat mangled, rubbery, overdone chunks of what should be light, delicious crêpe.
Romance is like crêpes, Finn figures. It looks easy when someone is showing you how to do it, and what you get for your trouble is so worth it. The problem is that Finn is Finn, and he has no better instinct for romance than he does for making crêpes.
Rachel had made it so easy, giving him lists of pre-approved gifts for every occasion. She’d told him when he was expected to take her out, how fancy it was supposed to be, and what he was supposed to wear; all Finn had to do was not forget to show up. When he had tried to do something nice for Rachel on his own, he’d had his mom’s help cooking… and he’d forgotten that Rachel didn’t eat meat. If she had ever found out, it would have been a disaster.
And Kurt deserves crêpes. Kurt makes Finn happy in ways that Finn didn’t know were possible: big, overwhelming ways and little, hidden ways that feel private. He’s warm and he’s Kurt and he’s never wanted Finn to be anything but the best version of himself. So yeah… Kurt deserves crêpes. If Finn is going to tell Kurt that he loves him and even dare to hope that Kurt might feel something back, then Finn is going to have to make Kurt the best, fluffiest, Nutella-iest crêpes ever… even though he has no idea how to go about that.
Maybe it’s because of the crêpe metaphor, but Finn decides that food is the answer. People do romantic things over food all the time. Besides, Kurt would be super impressed if Finn cooked something for him. Romance is all about the gesture, Kurt said to him once when Finn was in the doghouse with Rachel. And is there a better gesture than trying to do something you suck at to impress the person that you love? Finn thinks not.
Finn knows what Kurt likes to eat; he’s just not sure how to spell any of it. Kurt always tells the family what he’s made for dinner, but it’s almost always got an indecipherable name that makes Finn unsure if he wants to eat it. Kurt never disappoints though; everything he makes is amazing and it’s usually not very weird anyway. Apparently it’s just that French people have foreign names for everything.
While Finn wishes he could make something on par with what Kurt might make, he doesn’t want to bite off more than he can chew. Instead, he DVRs the episode of Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals in which she makes a Shepherd’s Pie. It looks good; it’s just lamb and potatoes, but it’s all together in a dish, so that makes it fancier.
The problem is that when your whole meal is in one single dish, screwing it up means that you have nothing left to offer. When Finn pulls his Shepherd’s Pie from the oven, the top looks okay, but when he looks under the layer of potatoes, the middle just looks wrong. Finn rewinds the recording and listens to Rachael again, trying to determine if he had missed something. He had. Rachael had skimmed over the part in which she browned her meat, the magic of television allowing her to have some already on hand. Finn had also skimmed over it-as in, he hadn’t done it at all-meaning that he has a runny, bloody, unsanitary mess under his fluffy, well-browned potatoes.
Finn tries not to panic. He’s in the middle of not-panicking when Burt and his mom walk past the kitchen. They must smell something-like his desperation-because they come back to check out what he’s doing.
Carole walks in smiling at Finn with Burt trailing behind her. “Hey, honey! That looks good.”
“Yeah,” Finn grumbles. “On the outside.”
Carole must not hear him because she continues. “But it’s date night, remember? Burt and I are going out, so we won’t be here to enjoy it!”
“Actually, Mom… I made this for me and Kurt. I kinda wanted to do something special for him.” Finn doesn’t mention that it’s ruined. If he does he knows his mom will offer to stay and fix it. He doesn’t want to ruin her plans; besides, if he’s going to win Kurt, he’s going to do it on his own.
Carole makes a silly, sappy face, reaches up on her toes, and kisses Finn on his cheek. “Well, I think that is so sweet! I’m sure he’ll love it.” Carole looks around the kitchen for something, and when she doesn’t find it she trots back into the living room with a quick, “Be right back!”
Burt looks at Finn with an indiscernible scrutiny. He walks over to the Shepherd’s Pie resting on the stove, leans over it, and sniffs. “So.” He leans his hip against the counter, looking a little smug. “Tonight’s the night, huh?”
Finn huffs, starting to feel a little panicky. “Well, that was the plan, but I ruined the food. I don’t have time to remake it before Kurt gets home, and I have no idea what to do.”
“Hey, don’t worry,” Burt soothes. “You guys can order a pizza; it’s no big deal.”
“But it is a big deal!” Finn slams his hands on the counter hard enough to hear the clap. “Kurt deserves for everything to be perfect… and I can’t even handle dinner!” Finn can feel the echo of his too-loud voice in the stillness of the room and instantly regrets it.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa…” Burt comes over to Finn with his hands up, like he’s approaching a snorting bull. “Why are you so upset?”
Finn slumps against the counter, his ire draining at Burt’s expression of concern. He isn’t sure how to answer the question. How is he supposed to tell Burt that he’s afraid that if his offering isn’t good enough, it means he isn’t good enough? “What if this is a sign? What if I tell Kurt how I feel and he rejects me and it screws everything up? I mean, he has every reason to…”
“Stop right there.” Burt’s voice brooks no argument and his face is stern. “Listen to me. You’re scared right now; I get it. This ain’t easy, no matter who you are, and if you decide you don’t want to go through with this, then that’s okay. But I think you’ll regret it if you don’t. And to be honest with you, I think Kurt should get the chance to decide for himself. I’m not going to pretend that the two of you is the ideal set-up, but I’ve been payin’ attention. You look at him the way he should be looked at, and it doesn’t matter if you tell him over fancy food you made yourself as long as you look him like that when you tell him.”
Finn can’t do anything but blink. He tries to figure out how to respond, but as he gapes, Carole walks in the room with her purse in hand. “I’m ready! How do I look?” She spins around so that her skirt flutters.
“You’re beautiful.” Burt says it like it’s easy and obvious. Finn envies him.
“Yeah, Mom. You look really good.” Finn smiles at her and hopes she doesn’t read any of the anxiety on his face.
Burt turns back to pat Finn on the shoulder once before leaning in with a conspiratorial, “Good luck.” He then joins his wife, sweeping her out of the kitchen with his hand low on her back.
Finn considers what Burt said. He could still change his mind. He could still decide to just give this up, to lock his feelings away until Kurt moves to New York and Finn can get over him. Finn thinks that maybe that’s the best thing to do: let Kurt go and not burden him with this; because that’s what this is, isn’t it? A burden? Finn senses a presence in the room, and when he looks over his shoulder, Kurt is standing a few feet away, considering him with a tilted head. He’s home right on time.
“Hey, Finn,” Kurt says, stretching out the vowels. “What’s all this?”
Nervously, Finn starts gathering dishes and putting them in the sink as he runs the tap, ignoring his ruined casserole sitting on the stove like a taunt. Kurt though crosses over to the still hot food and studies it closely. He looks pleased and maybe even proud. “Shepherd’s Pie? Did you make this?”
Finn takes in Kurt’s expression. It’s exactly the one he wanted to see. Too bad it’s all a lie. “Yeah, but I screwed it up,” Finn confesses sadly, turning back to the sink. “I didn’t brown the meat before I put it in and now it’s all raw and gross. I’d throw it away, but I’m still too weirded out to deal with it.”
“Wow,” Kurt says. Finn isn’t facing him but he can hear the dish scraping against the trivets on the stove. “This is ambitious, Finn. I’m impressed.”
Finn scoffs. He’s being pouty and petulant and he knows it, but he can’t stop himself. “Impressed that I can suck so badly at so many things?”
Before Finn can kick himself for his hysterics, Kurt is right behind him. He nudges Finn, trying to get him to turn around. Finn resists, but not for long. His hands are dripping, so he grabs a dishtowel and dries them off, avoiding Kurt’s eyes. Kurt stills Finn’s nervous drying with a single touch to the hand. Their eyes meet.
“What’s wrong?” Kurt asks so gently. Finn looks away, unsure of what to say and feeling like he might actually, literally cry. Kurt doesn’t let him off the hook. “Come on; spill it. You seem really upset… Is it just about the dinner? Because I’ve ruined plenty of things, especially the first time I made them.”
Finn shakes his head, staring down at his shoes.
“Then what is it? Do you want to talk about it?” Kurt gestures toward the fridge. “I can heat us up some milk…”
Despite being as low as a whisper, the words still burst out with considerable force. “I love you.” Aw crap.
Kurt’s brow wrinkles in confusion, but then he smiles amusedly. “I love you, too.” He huffs a tiny laugh and meets Finn’s eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay? You didn’t eat any of Puck’s quote-unquote candy, did you? Because I’m pretty sure that was drugs.”
“No…” Finn puts the dishtowel aside on the counter. “I mean…” He just stares at Kurt. He could still beg out. He could pretend he meant it the same way Kurt had meant it, but he isn’t going to do that. Kurt is too near and Finn is too selfish.
“I…” Say it, Finn. Just do it.
Kurt juts his chin forward in an expression of expectation. “Yes?”
“I…” …love you. I’m in love with you. Just man up and say it. “…have feelings for you.” Finn’s hands shake. He’s disappointed that he pulled back at the last minute, but it should be enough; middle ground is better than no ground, he figures.
Kurt’s eyebrows shoot toward his hairline and freeze there. Finn has been getting a lot of that lately. “Feelings? What do you mean by ‘feelings’?”
“You know… those kinds of feelings. Like the ones I had for Rachel, except you know, not exactly the same…”
Kurt holds still, looking at Finn with a disbelieving look. His vocal tone is flat. “You’re kidding.”
“No.” Finn shakes his head but keeps eye contact with Kurt. “No, I’m not.”
Kurt is silent and deathly still. Finn can see Kurt’s defensive barrier rise as if it were a tangible thing. It hurts, but it isn’t surprising.
“Kurt, listen… I know you don’t feel that way about me anymore. I get it… you like Blaine now and that’s cool. He’s a good guy. I just had to tell you anyway, because not telling you was starting to feel a lot like lying.” Finn slows down, breathing in and out. “I don’t expect anything though, okay? I just… I needed you to know.”
Kurt doesn’t move. His face doesn’t give anything away, but his arms are wrapped tight around himself and it’s tense. Finn feels kind of sick.
“Okay.” Finn decides that retreat is his best option. If he were Kurt, he’d need a minute to process everything. “I’m gonna…” He points at the doorway to the living room and begins heading toward it. As he passes Kurt though, he stops. He hesitates for a moment before turning to Kurt briefly and wrapping his arms around him in a quick, sharp embrace. It lasts for less than a second, just long enough to squeeze once, before he pulls away and walks out the door. By the time he gets to his room, Finn’s hands are shaking and he feels like he could puke, but he feels kind of brave, too. He put himself out there and it was scary, but he did it. Now it’s up to Kurt what he’s going to do with it.
---
By the time Finn rolls out of bed the next morning, he knows he hasn’t given himself much time before he needs to leave for school. He runs around getting dressed, passably brushing his teeth, and finding his shoes. He flies down the stairs calling for Kurt as he runs, but Kurt doesn’t reply. Finn looks out the window and Kurt’s car is still there, so he isn’t sure what to think. He and Kurt usually ride together unless they have separate plans after school, in which case Kurt takes his Navigator. But if the Navigator is still in the driveway…
Finn grabs his bag and heads for the kitchen, thinking that maybe Kurt is grabbing some breakfast. As he does though, he sees a crisp, white sheet of paper stuck on the door. It’s a piece of Kurt’s stationery with the fancy “KEH” at the top and a brief note in his script: “Riding to school with Mercedes today. -Kurt”
Finn stares at the hastily written words for a minute while he processes them. Kurt’s avoiding him. Finn tries to be surprised or at least offended, but he’s not, not after Kurt’s reaction in the kitchen. Finn pulls the note off the door and sticks it in his pocket, rushing to the driveway and into his truck.
It’s not unusual for Finn to go the whole day without seeing Kurt. They don’t share any classes except for Glee, and that’s after school. It’s Friday, meaning they don’t even have Glee today, so if Kurt wants to avoid Finn, he’ll have no trouble at all. The thought almost makes Finn skip lunch, until he remembers that the cafeteria is serving tamales and, despite what one would expect from cafeteria food, they are actually really good.
Surrounded by his football friends, Finn eats his tamales and does his best not to think about Kurt and the certain idiot he made of himself the previous night. Puck and Sam are arm wrestling and talking smack which is pretty diverting considering how evenly matched they are. Finn is fully engrossed until he hears his phone chime in his pocket. It’s a text from Kurt: Last night. The Shepherd’s Pie… did you do that for me?
Finn’s surprised at the contact. He taps out a reply: yes.
Puck and Sam are starting to look strained now, their faces tense and a little sweaty. The contest is starting to look less friendly and more deadly serious. Finn’s phone chimes again: Why?
Well, that’s the sixty-four million dollar question or whatever. What can he say? I had a crazy notion that maybe if I could be what you deserve you could possibly love me? It may be true, but he’s not sure that he wants Kurt to understand the true level of his patheticness. He could lie, but he doesn’t want to. Kurt makes him wish he never had to lie.
Finn taps back, I wanted to do something nice for you like you deserve. and I wanted to tell you about well you know. I just wanted to do it right. He hits send and places his phone on the table, waiting for Kurt’s response. Puck and Sam are so red in the face that they might burst the blood vessels in their eyes; normally that would make Finn laugh, but he’s too distracted. He keeps glancing at his phone, but when the end-of-period bell rings, there’s still no response.
It’s last period-Spanish class, and thanks to Señor Martinez, Finn may actually be learning something-when a reply from Kurt finally comes. Sorry about this morning. Can I ride home with you?
Finn sighs with relief and his heart speeds inexplicably. It really shouldn’t be a big deal-Kurt rides with him all the time-but it is. Kurt isn’t too scared or weirded out to be near Finn; Finn feels like a rock was removed from atop his chest. He replies, careful not to get caught texting: yeah, dude!! i’m in the north lot.
When the bell rings, Finn ducks around people to race to his truck, making an effort to collect himself before he gets there. It’s just Kurt and Kurt doesn’t seem to be holding a grudge, but Finn still feels like he could still screw this up, so he’s going to play it cool. It’s just one brother giving another brother a ride and oh god, should he really be calling Kurt his brother in his head when he’s feeling like this?
Despite Finn’s rushing, Kurt beats Finn to the truck. Kurt turns to Finn as he approaches and gives a small, seemingly casual wave. Finn runs up and stops dead a few feet in front of Kurt.
Kurt doesn’t give Finn a chance to say anything. “Finn, I want to apologize for-”
Finn stops him, cutting him off and gesturing wildly. “No, Kurt. You don’t have to do that.”
Kurt replies quickly. “Yes, I do. I know that-“
“Kurt.” Finn puts as much authority and gravity into his voice as he can. “It’s alright. I don’t blame you for… needing some time, okay? I just need to know one thing: we’re okay, right? Like, I don’t need to move out of the house or anything? Because I’m not sure I can afford rent in the good part of town, and-”
Kurt’s startled laugh is bright and genuine. It’s such a good sound. If there was any tension, they just broke through it. “Yes, we’re good. You don’t need to move out.”
Finn sighs, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders. “Thank god, dude. I wasn’t sure how I was gonna swing that.” He stands for a moment, scanning Kurt’s face for a sign of discomfort and not finding any. “You ready to go?”
Kurt nods and moves around to the passenger side of the truck. They both get in and head for home. Their conversation isn’t unlike what it would normally be: Kurt recounts the day’s drama with a flair that makes it much more entertaining than it actually is while Finn mostly listens. At a stoplight, Finn turns to Kurt, watching as Kurt makes animated hand gestures along with the story.
“I thought that they might literally fight over it. Santana was being Santana, bragging about her home’s proximity to Lima Heights and asking if Tina knows the Spanish word for ‘razorblades.’ And Tina! You know, sweet, little I-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-birdcage-veil Tina? She was in Santana’s face, talking about dark rituals and magic which I am certain she doesn’t actually do. If I hadn’t intervened, I think it would have escalated to hair-pulling.”
Finn smiles. “What did you say?”
“I told them that they aren’t going to settle anything by being brutes. If they want to know whose significant other is the better dancer, they should just make Mike and Brittany have a dance-off like reasonable people.”
“Whoa… are they gonna do it? ‘Cuz that would be pretty cool.”
Kurt scoffs. “I have no idea. I know that neither Mike nor Brittany care which one of them is better; they aren’t that competitive. On the other hand, they would do anything to make their girlfriends happy.” Kurt shrugs. “I figure if anything goes down, I’ll be getting a text.”
The light turns green and Finn starts driving again, his attention turned back to the road in front of him. “Well if you do, don’t forget to tell me. I wouldn’t wanna miss it.”
Kurt doesn’t reply; he just hums an acknowledgement, whipping out his phone and going through something. Finn glances at him, just for a second, before turning back to the road. “You look really nice today, by the way.” He tries to sound sure when he says it, but it comes out sounding shier than he intends. “I like your vest.”
With his eyes on the road, Finn can only see Kurt with his peripheral vision, so he notices Kurt’s hands stop scrolling on his phone’s touch screen but doesn’t see his facial expression. He’s kind of afraid to look. Kurt is silent for a moment before coolly replying, “Thank you.”
---
Finn didn’t really expect for Kurt to suddenly decide to spend the weekend with him or anything, but he didn’t expect Blaine’s car to already be in the driveway when they got home either. When they drive up and park alongside him, Blaine turns and smiles brightly at them both.
Kurt waves at Blaine and jumps out of the truck before Finn can even shut the engine off. They don’t hug or anything, but they both look really excited to see each other. Finn climbs out of the car to find them both already headlong into a conversation.
“After I got your text, I blew off the rest of the day. I changed, packed a bag, and jumped in the car. When Kurt Hummel says he has an emergency and needs me right away, I figure it’s got to be more important than fencing practice, right?”
Kurt freezes solid with a look of obvious discomfort. “Kurt?” Blaine inquires, touching his fingers to Kurt’s arm. “Is something wrong?”
Kurt glances back at Finn, so Finn looks away quickly. Finn carefully studies his keys like he’s having trouble remembering which one is the right one to the front door but knows that Kurt sees right through the charade. Kurt grabs Blaine and drags him to the entrance, digging out his own keys. Finn follows-he’s not going to stand around outside and make it obvious that he can see what’s going on-but tries not to stand too close to either of them. “Not now, Blaine,” Kurt admonishes in a stage whisper.
Kurt gets the door open and pulls Blaine through it, Finn watching them as they immediately head up the stairs. They walk so closely that their elbows brush, comfortable and trusting of each other. They look like partners.
Kurt is still rushing Blaine, directing him toward his room. He stops at the top of the stairs and turns. “We’ll be in my room if you need us. It’s Carole’s turn for dinner, right? Let her know she can come get us if she needs any help.” Kurt doesn’t wait for a reply. He turns quickly, heading down the hall and out of Finn’s eye-line.
Finn stands motionless at the bottom of the stairs, feeling grief all the way to his bones. He’s not exactly sure why Kurt needed to talk to Blaine so urgently and every reason he can come up with is discomforting. He needs a distraction. He throws his bag down next to the couch in the living room before flopping down and violently turning on his Xbox. He really needs to blow some stuff up.
Enough time passes that he almost forgets that Kurt and Blaine are upstairs doing god-knows-what. Carole comes home with bags of groceries that Finn takes from her, causing her to bestow her proud, pleased smile. Finn is grateful for the approval. He offers to help with dinner too, despite the trauma of the previous night. He remembers what Kurt said about coming to get him and Blaine for help, but Finn doesn’t mention it. He’d rather help with dinner himself than knock on Kurt’s door right now.
Blaine doesn’t always come to their weekly Family Dinners, but he’s been invited before. Considering that he brought a fancy, designer overnight bag, Finn assumes that Blaine is staying for more than just dinner. Finn thinks that it’s probably unfair that Blaine gets to spend the night when Finn’s never gotten to have a girl sleep over, platonic or not. He’s never really minded Blaine staying over before, but now it makes him want to grind his teeth.
Dinner goes pretty well considering the potential for awkwardness. Carole seems thrilled to have them all there, making jokes about how honored she is to have “so many handsome men” around her table. When she moves to get up and take plates to the sink, Blaine jumps up and pulls her chair out for her. Kurt smiles like it’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen. Finn kind of wants to vomit.
After dinner Burt and Carole retreat to the den for some movie-watching and gross, old-people snuggling. Technically it’s Kurt’s night to do the dishes, but Finn offers to do them instead.
“No, Finn!” Kurt protests. “You did them last night! I’ve got it.”
“But you have company! I’m sure you guys have… stuff that you were going to do.” Finn hopes he doesn’t sound as hangdog as he feels when he says it. “I don’t mind.”
“Nonsense.” Kurt pushes Finn out of the kitchen with both hands on his back. He’s really strong. “It’s my turn. It’s only fair! Besides, Blaine will help me. Right, Blaine?”
“Yes, sir.” Blaine jokes, taking plates over to the sink and starting the water. “We’ve got it, Finn. Don’t worry.”
Kurt has already turned around and is picking up more dishes. There’s only so much room at the sink, so Finn doesn’t offer to stay and help. They don’t really need him anyway.
---
Finn doesn’t like to think that he spends that night moping, but he’s not sure there’s another word for it. Kurt and Blaine retreat back to Kurt’s room after doing the dishes, while Burt and Carole spend the evening camped out in the den. Finn doesn’t feel like joining them-he isn’t feeling very personable-so he hides out in his room with a bag of chips and his iPod. Finn is not proud of the melodramatic songs he sings that night.
The next morning, Finn stumbles down the stairs in his t-shirt and boxers in search of sugary cereal. He sits at the breakfast bar, eyes bleary, and pours himself a bowl of Lucky Charms and milk. He keeps his eyes closed when he chews, opening them only to scoop up a bite with the proper cereal to marshmallow ratio. He repeats the process, working through his giant bowl until he opens his eyes for another spoonful and sees Blaine walk up beside him.
Blaine is slightly more alert, but not much. He’s wearing a pair of pin-striped pajama pants and a tank top, forcing Finn to admit begrudgingly to himself that Blaine has really nice arms. Finn dejectedly realizes that Kurt has just spent the whole night with those arms.
“Good morning.” Blaine moves around the kitchen like he lives there, grabbing a spoon and a bowl. He hops up onto the barstool next to Finn and gestures to the cereal and milk on the counter. “Can I?”
Finn wordlessly pushes the cereal box and milk within Blaine’s reach. Blaine fills his bowl and eats with Finn in companionable silence as they become more alert, but the quiet doesn’t last long. “Finn,” Blaine opens using his mentor voice. Finn tries not to roll his eyes. “I’m not sure how to broach the subject, so I’m just going to just come out and say it. Kurt told me that you’re feeling a little… confused right now.” Blaine puts a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “I just want you to know that it’s completely normal at our age to question expectations and to test our sexual boundaries.”
Finn pours more cereal into his sugary, left-over milk. “Uh huh.”
Blaine gestures to himself, splaying his fingers across his chest. “I’ve been there myself! I kissed Rachel at that party and it made me question a few things-”
“I remember…” Finn mumbles.
“-but I figured it out. Maybe that’s what you need to do!”
Finn turns to look Blaine in his earnest eyes. “Are you telling me I should make out with Kurt?”
“What? No!” Blaine nearly tips his bowl over in his gesture. “No… that’s not… I think you need to figure this out. I’d be glad to talk to you about it, or maybe you have a counselor at school?”
Finn blinks. “But… you resolved your confusion,” Finn lays the snark on as thickly as he can, “by making out with a girl, right? Why don’t you think I can do the same thing?”
“Because it’s not the same Finn! You’re straight!”
“And you’re gay. I really don’t see the difference.”
“Because… when I kissed Rachel, it didn’t hurt anyone. She helped me work through my confliction, and I didn’t hurt her at all. She thanked me!” Blaine is sounding defensive… and maybe a little protective.
“And you don’t want me to kiss Kurt because… you think it would hurt him?”
Blaine composes himself. “Yes. I do. I understand why Kurt might… inspire these feelings in you, making you think that he’s the only person that can resolve the issue, but I think you’re not considering the ramifications. Say you kiss Kurt and you two experiment. Eventually you’ll realize that he’s not what you want, and when you do, Kurt will be left in the lurch.” Blaine looks at Finn deep in his eyes with a seriousness that most people their age haven’t mastered yet. “You’re his brother, Finn. He loves you. Don’t do this to him.”
“I’m in love with him.” It gets easier each time Finn says it.
Blaine’s eyes widen and his jaw drops open a little before he remembers his manners and closes it again. His eyes dart around the room like he’s not positive that he hasn’t fallen into a parallel universe. “Oh.”
Finn stands and takes his now empty bowl to the sink. “Yeah.”
“He didn’t tell me.” Blaine looks sympathetic now.
“Probably because I didn’t stress the ‘in love’ part. I said that I have feelings for him; I didn’t want to push my luck. Don’t… don’t tell him, okay?”
Blaine shakes his head briskly. “I wouldn’t. It’s not my place.”
“Thanks, man.” Finn gives Blaine a lopsided grin. Finn knows that he has no real reason to have a problem with Blaine, but it’s hard not to feel bitter. Finn feels like he’s running a race and he’s been watching Blaine’s back from the start.
Finn turns and heads for the door, but apparently Blaine isn’t done. “He doesn’t think you’re serious, you know.” Blaine says it quietly. Finn wonders if it was supposed to be a secret. “About all this. About him.”
Finn nods, more to himself than to Blaine. “I know… This came outta nowhere for both of us.” He turns to Blaine again. “I don’t really expect him to suddenly decide he wants me, especially now...” Now that he has you, Finn thinks. “Maybe one day we’ll look back at this and laugh at how messed up it all is… but it’s not gonna keep me from making sure he knows. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us, ya know?”
Blaine looks at Finn like he’s speaking a language he made up, but Finn doesn’t care. This isn’t about Blaine. Finn trudges back up the stairs, hears the shower running in Kurt and Finn’s shared bathroom as he passes, climbs into bed, and goes back to sleep.
Part Two
Pairing: Kurt/Finn
Summary: Falling in love with his stepbrother is not like anything Finn’s ever seen in a movie. It’s confusing and life-altering, and between Burt, Blaine, and burnt crêpes, Finn doesn’t know up from down anymore. He does his best to make sense of it all, but in the end he really only knows two things: Kurt is amazing and Finn wants him.
Note: Written for 2012 gleebigbang. Go to the Masterpost for more details.
Bonus art by starsandgutters
Finn learns from movies that when you fall in love, it’s supposed to feel like a thunderbolt. The romantic lead goes about his or her life being a magazine editor or a radioactive spider-bitten teenager until they meet the person that just strikes them, which eventually ends with a kiss or a wedding, but always with a happily ever after.
Finn admits that he’s never really had that experience. His love for Rachel grew slowly; every day she did little things that were cute and awesome and persistent until eventually it added up to love. When he proposed and she accepted, he thought it was the beginning of their fairy tale, but in the end what he had to offer wasn’t enough for her. When he thinks about it, Finn wonders if they didn’t last because he didn’t fall in love right.
It isn’t a thunderbolt with Kurt either. With Kurt it’s like water… like a spring shower that is light and unassuming until it collects and overwhelms, flowing over, into, around without exception until everything is overtaken. It may not be the same as lightning, but he figures that it’s pretty close. Besides, which one is more devastating: a lightning strike or a flood?
---
Finn and Kurt sit elbow-to-elbow at their kitchen table on a Tuesday night doing their homework. Usually Kurt does his in his bedroom-most often with Blaine in tow-but Finn needs some help with balancing chemical equations. The problems are kind of like if science and math had babies, and then those babies were exposed to radiation and became mutant-hybrid supervillains. Since Finn doesn’t have super strength or laser eyes, Kurt offers his help.
“Really?” Finn is a little shocked. “I didn’t know you were any good at this sort of thing.”
Kurt tilts his head in Finn’s direction. “I have many hidden talents, Finn. I’m more than just a pretty face, you know.”
Finn backpedals. “No, no… that’s not what I meant! I just meant that you never said you like math and stuff. French is your favorite class and math is like, way different.”
“Yes, well. I suppose I can give you a pass. You wouldn’t be the first person to be too dazzled by my wardrobe and general fabulousness to notice my other abilities.”
Finn looks at Kurt’s face to decide if he’s serious-Finn knows that if Rachel said the same thing, she totally would be-but Kurt’s eyes are dancing a little and his mouth is all smirky. Finn relaxes and smiles back.
“So,” Kurt says, back to business. “How can I help?”
Finn shows Kurt his homework set. Kurt had Chemistry last year while Finn had put it off and Finn could kick himself for it now. Why did he think that postponing his hardest classes was a good idea? Did he really think that he’d be that much smarter when he was a senior?
Kurt shows Finn the steps to solving the problems. He gives Finn tips, telling him that if he puts in the wrong coefficient that he can always change it later. “That’s why it’s called ‘balancing’, Finn… If you get too many molecules on one side, you can always balance it out with the other side!” Kurt is bright and animated; trying to make it make sense to Finn, but trying to make it fun, too. Finn isn’t sure he’ll ever find it fun, but he appreciates the effort.
After a couple of examples, Kurt steps back to let Finn try. It’s not as hard when Kurt can redirect him from mistakes, but eventually he leaves Finn to do it all on his own, causing Finn to start with the wrong molecules and throw his hands up when he reaches a dead end. When Finn gets stuck though, Kurt is patient, asking Finn questions to direct him where to look next, and when Finn gets too frustrated, Kurt isn’t afraid to stop Finn from raging with a hand on his forearm. It doesn’t help solve the problem, but it’s comforting. Finn opens his mouth and turns to Kurt with the purpose of giving up, but when his eyes meet Kurt’s, something stops Finn in his tracks.
Kurt is looking at Finn with such patient understanding and expectation that something catches in Finn’s chest. Kurt’s hand is still on Finn’s forearm, heavy and warm, and as Finn meets his eyes he smiles a bit, encouraging. Finn gapes, realizations aligning and clicking in his mind as if they had been locked and were suddenly offered the key.
Finn understands that Kurt isn’t like this for everyone. Kurt can be easily frustrated, even impatient with people; Kurt often has to remind himself that others don’t always think and feel the way he does. The fact that Kurt is being so understanding now isn’t really a reflection of his skills as a tutor-though he is actually pretty good-but of something else. Kurt is being this way for Finn, because he and Finn are bros and friends and yeah, they probably love each other a little bit.
That thought causes a chain reaction, kind of like the chemical reactions he’s been trying to balance and whoa-he’s been thinking about homework for way too long. Each insight provokes the next until he’s overwhelmed: Finn and Kurt at school, in Glee, at home… little moments and small gestures and unsolicited kindnesses. They fall on Finn, rushing at him like raindrops in an unexpected storm: collecting, level rising until he is up to his ankles, his waist, his neck. He waits for the deluge to end, waits for the weight of the feeling to subside so that his lungs can expand and he can breathe again. It doesn’t; Finn finds himself completely underwater.
So that’s how Finn finds out. He sits at his kitchen table, hands flat on the tabletop with his homework totally forgotten in the space between them. He looks into his stepbrother’s eyes, panting for breath, and thinks I’ve never loved anyone like I love you.
---
The problem with realizing that you’re in love with your stepbrother is that nobody can tell that your whole world just tilted a little and you’re having trouble finding balance again. As much as he feels fundamentally altered by the discovery, Finn knows that it isn’t written on his forehead, nor is he wearing a t-shirt that says “Brother Lover” or “Sexual Awakening” or whatever else is happening. Because while Kurt may be a guy and Finn’s never really been into guys, Finn suddenly starts noticing how hot Kurt is all the time and damn; how had he not noticed before?
Finn does his best to go on about his life normally; he goes to school, prepares numbers for Glee, attends basketball practice, and asks Kurt for homework help, just like he did before. The difference is that now he finds himself kind of distracted. Well, okay… maybe Finn has always been a little distracted, but it’s even worse. Even when Kurt isn’t around, little things remind Finn of him like, all the time. One afternoon Finn sees a commercial on TV with a cat that knows how to massage-Finn needs that cat-and it reminds him of that time when Kurt almost wanted a kitten.
“While I appreciate their sensuous nature and fierce independence, I have also come to realize that they shed. A lot. I don’t want to have to carry around a lint roller wherever I go! Although it would give me an excuse to buy that Marc Jacobs shoulder bag…”
Finn remembers and smiles to himself, but there’s a sadness there, too. He feels like his soul is a sweater that keeps getting pulled and snagged on something, and that something is Kurt-unapologetic and razor-sharp. Finn doesn’t know what to do about it because the person he always takes his sweater snags to is Kurt, and while this snag isn’t literal, Finn wishes that he could take his soul-sweater to Kurt anyway. Kurt always knows what to do about these kinds of things.
Finn sighs heartily and scrubs his face with his hands. It’s been a week since The Realization-the event is so momentous that it’s capitalized in his head-and Finn isn’t sure he can deal with this by himself. He considers talking to Rachel about it, but he’s afraid to hurt her feelings; they just split up about a month ago, and she would be crushed to know that he’s gotten over her so quickly. Besides, she has this odd fascination with idea of Finn and Kurt making out, so... yeah, bad idea.
Finn wonders if the guys from Glee could help, but he’s kind of afraid of what they’ll say. He’s not concerned so much about the whole apparently-I’m-kinda-gay issue; he figures that they probably got past any hang-ups with gayness last year. He is mostly worried that they’ll judge him for wanting Kurt. First of all, Kurt is his stepbrother, and most of the time they refer to each other without even using the word ‘step’. Secondly, pretty much everyone in the Glee club is rooting for Kurt to get with Blaine.
Stupid Blaine. Finn gets it… sorta. Blaine’s pretty good-looking, polite-Kurt loves that-and he’s a good singer. But he’s also short and kind of a know-it-all. Finn’s pretty sure that Blaine’s dependency on hair gel could qualify him for an episode of Intervention, but whatever. Blaine is decent, charming, one-hundred-percent-out-of-the-closet-gay, and Kurt likes him. Finn is pretty sure he could never compete, better hair or not.
Finn stares at the TV without watching it. He decides that he can either suffer in silence, hoping that one day he’ll figure it out on his own, or he can ask for help. Suffering sucks, so asking for advice is clearly the better choice, but he’s already established that he can’t ask any of his friends. Even if he left out who he had feelings for, the gossip machine would work on overdrive until they either figured it out or made something up and he didn’t want that, for him or Kurt. He rules out Mr. Schue for the same reason. People would surely see them talking, and they would ask what they were talking about; Finn would be hounded, and the last thing he wants is to be hounded about something like this.
He definitely doesn’t want to ask his mom, either. He knows that she loves to help him with life stuff, but he still feels weird about it. She would ask all sorts of questions about his feelings, which would be okay except that at least some of his feelings about Kurt are pretty sexy and he prefers to keep his sexy feelings in a different room than his mom. Just because he’s in love with his stepbrother doesn’t mean he’s a weirdo.
Finn needs to ask someone who is his friend, but isn’t one of his high school friends. He figures a grown-up would be good, because they probably know more about love and sex and stuff. When he thinks of all the people he trusts who are grown-ups, his friend, and not a teacher at his school, he can only come up with one person who falls within all categories.
Some people would probably think it’s weird to ask gay love advice from your straight stepfather who also happens to be the biological father of the dude you love. Finn, though, is kind of tired of worrying all the time about what other people think. Besides, he’s pretty sure he can avoid the subject of who if he talks hypothetically. Finn nods once in decision, pulls himself up off the couch, and finds Burt at the kitchen table-where this whole thing started, Finn thinks-reading the newspaper.
Finn walks in with enough purpose that it makes Burt look up from his reading. “Hey, kiddo,” Burt greets him. He smiles big without showing his teeth. Kurt smiles like that all the time.
“Hey!” Finn yells too loudly to be casual. He falls with a thump into the chair diagonally across from Burt. Burt must notice Finn’s odd behavior because he pulls a face.
Finn considers making small talk, but he knows Burt will see through it anyway. He’s pretty good at detecting BS. “Hey, Burt.” Finn looks down as he says it, chickening out of making eye contact. He really wishes he had something to do with his hands. “Can I talk to you about some stuff? Like, important stuff?”
Burt is the picture of serenity. “Sure, buddy. What’s up?”
Finn fidgets a little. Burt is a cool guy and Finn’s never really been scared of him, though Finn did have a couple of nightmares after that one time in the basement. Nevertheless he can see how people might be intimidated; Burt’s attention is intense and inescapable. It’s okay though, because before he had the guts to walk in here, Finn practiced everything he’s going to say. He has every line planned out so that he can bring up the subject smoothly, avoid any suspicious details, get the advice he needs, and then get the hell out of there.
Unfortunately, all of his plans fly out the window. He takes one look at Burt, gets sucked in by his frankness, and says, “I’m in love with Kurt.”
The second it’s out of his mouth, Finn can feel his own physical reaction to what he’s just said. His eyes are impossibly wide-probably even wider than that time he watched Puck stuff an entire orange in his mouth-and his blood feels cold in his veins. He continues looking at Burt, who looks as stunned as Finn feels, his forehead creased with lines from his raised eyebrows. When Burt doesn’t move or say anything, Finn panics and starts to get up.
“No, no, no,” Burt says, grabbing at Finn’s sleeve and yanking, guiding Finn back into his seat. “You’re not gettin’ off that easy.” Finn freaks out a little bit, trying to wrap his mind around what he just said. Meanwhile Burt just keeps looking at him. After a moment of silence-or possibly an eternity, Finn isn’t really sure-Burt quietly asks, “D’you mean it?”
Finn wishes he could be composed and manly like Burt and answer the question with the gravity that it deserves. Instead he can’t really risk opening his mouth for fear he might cry, so he just nods shakily.
“Hey…” Burt grasps Finn’s upper arm firmly with his hand, like Finn might run away if he doesn’t. “It’s okay.”
“Do you hate me?” Finn doesn’t realize he was worried about it until he asks. He doesn’t really think Burt would hate him, but suddenly he feels like Burt’s answer is very important.
“Hate you?” Burt huffs a quiet laugh and it breaks some of the tension. “Why would I hate you?”
Finn focuses on a knot in the wood of the tabletop, shaking his head. “I don’t know. I know it’s not, ya know, bad or anything, but I just feel so guilty.” Finn breathes. “Is that normal?”
“To love someone and feel guilty about it? No, not in my experience. ‘M not sure what you have to feel guilty about, though.”
Finn thinks about it. How do you take something so big and put it into words? Words have never been Finn’s strong suit. “I don’t know. It’s like… I don’t feel like I have a right to feel this way, ya know? For lots of reasons. A part of me knows I had my chance a long time ago, and I didn’t want it. To want it now, now that he’s over me and we’re friends and freaking brothers, just seems wrong. It’s unfair.”
Burt crosses his arms and sits back in his chair studying Finn. “Well, these kinds of things are almost never fair, and they certainly aren’t easy, but that doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything wrong.”
Finn nods to himself, more in acknowledgement than in belief. “So you’re not mad?”
“No.” Burt answers like the answer is obvious and shakes his head. “Surprised? Yeah, kinda. But I’m not mad or whatever you think I should be.”
Finn exhales so hard that he slumps even farther over the table. He considers protesting, explaining to Burt all the reasons he could be angry. He doesn’t, though; he’s pretty sure Burt gets it anyway. “And you don’t think it’s weird?”
Burt shrugs. “You can’t help you love, kid. And I can’t blame you for fallin’ for Kurt. He’s pretty great.”
Finn nods, this time with complete sincerity. “Yeah. He is.”
Finn can feel Burt considering him. He wonders what he sees. “Thanks for tellin’ me,” Burt says suddenly, leaning forward again and resting his arms on the table. The fact that he can still look Finn in the eye is reassuring.
“So?” Finn shrugs his shoulders.
“So what?”
“So what do I do? You’ve gotta help me! I feel like I’m losing my mind!” Finn plants his elbows on the table and buries his face in his hands.
Burt laughs, big and bright. “I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to feel like that.” Finn can see through his fingers that Burt is watching him. When Burt decides that Finn is serious, he speaks again. “This is really tearin’ you up, isn’t it?”
Finns sighs. “Yeah.”
“Well then, I guess you gotta decide what you want. You think it’s something that is gonna pass? And more important, is that what you want?”
Finn drops his hands to the surface of the table and looks at Burt. It’s an important question. Does he want to get over Kurt? It would be easier if he did; simpler. On the other hand, the way he feels with Kurt is something entirely new. It’s exciting and confusing and dramatic, yeah, but it’s also… secure, solid, familiar. He’s pretty sure that that is what this is supposed to feel like. Finn opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He sits with his jaw open, waiting for the answer to become clear, but he’s got nothing.
“Hey…” Burt leans forward and puts his hand on Finn’s arm again. “It’s not something you hafta answer right now. It’s not a race.” Burt glances at the wall clock behind Finn’s head. “Aw, geez. When’d it get so late?” He pats Finn and stands up, folding the paper to take it with him. “I hate to run out on you, bud, but they’re expecting me down at the shop. You gonna be okay?”
Finn just nods blankly.
“A’right. Gimme a call if you need me.” He pats Finn again as he passes to leave the room.
“Okay… thanks.” Finn replies flatly, but Burt’s already gone.
---
Finn considers Burt’s questions very carefully over the next few days. Whenever he has a minute, he thinks about it… and Kurt would probably be grossed out if he knew that Finn thinks about him in the bathroom. Whatever; it’s important. Finn isn’t sleeping well and he’s afraid he never will again unless he just comes to a decision already.
Finn knows that smart people sometimes make pros-and-cons lists to decide things-he’s seen it on TV-so he gives it a try. He gets a blank sheet of notebook paper and draws a vertical line down the center, labeling the left side “Pro” and the right side “Con.” He considers titling the sheet “Telling Kurt I Love Him”, but decides against it. For one thing he could never forget about what he was trying to settle, and furthermore if anyone ever found it, he might die… because if embarrassment didn’t kill him, Kurt probably would.
In the end, he doesn’t actually write anything on the sheet. It feels wrong to fill the right column up with cons while leaving the left side blank, but unfortunately all he can come up with is reasons why telling Kurt is a bad, bad idea. Instead he just keeps track of the reasons in his head, deciding that when he comes up with some solid pros, he’ll actually bother to write it all down. After a couple of days, it’s starting to look dire for the pro-side, until Kurt floats into Finn’s room one day with a story that has Kurt laughing musically in his delight and disbelief, making Finn say to himself, Screw the list.
---
Burt bends at the waist as he disassembles the car’s engine. He’s kind of grimy and sweaty, so it’s been a busy day. Finn wonders if maybe it isn’t a good time and that he should try again tomorrow, or at least wait until Burt gets home. Then he remembers why he didn’t just do that in the first place: Kurt is at home and Finn really doesn’t want to risk him overhearing. Finn hesitates several feet from Burt; before it’s too late to back out, Burt looks up and catches Finn’s eye. He looks happy to see Finn, so maybe it isn’t such a terrible time after all.
“Hey, buddy!” Burt withdraws from under the engine hood, grabbing a towel from his pocket and wiping the grease from his hands. “You here to help?”
Finn shuffles his feet nervously. “No, not really… but I can help you if you need it! I’ll just go grab my coveralls…”
Burt waves his hand. “You don’t have to. I just thought maybe you were here to make some cash ‘s all.”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something. Maybe in your office?”
“Sure. I’ve got a few.” He gestures with his head to the back of the building.
Hands white-knuckle tight on the straps of his backpack, Finn leads the way. Even though Burt says he doesn’t hate him and that he wouldn’t, Finn is still nervous. It’s one thing to be confused and a completely different other thing to walk into something with his eyes open. As he walks Finn wonders if Burt was hoping that Finn would decide to get over it; that he’d figured it all out and he’d been mistaken. As much as he loves Kurt, he loves Burt too and doesn’t want to disappoint him.
Finn enters the office but doesn’t sit; he’s too keyed up to sit. Burt follows him in and closes the door behind them. “What’s on your mind, kid?”
“Remember the thing I told you about the other day?” Finn does his best to brace himself. “The thing with Kurt?”
Burt doesn’t move or give anything away. “I think I’d feel better if you said it out loud.”
“About how I’m in love with him.” Finn stands firm and maintains eye contact, even though it’s hard.
“It’s a hard thing to forget.”
“You told me that I needed to decide what I wanted. That I needed to decide if it’s something I want to get over. Well, I don’t. I don’t want to get over it. In fact, I kinda wanna get under it.”
Finn has never seen Burt’s eyebrows rise so quickly. Burt shifts his weight and his jaw drops open, but Finn doesn’t want to give him a chance to speak.
“Wait!” Finn interjects before Burt can get the wrong idea. “That’s not what I meant! I just meant that maybe I want him to know… not that-oh, god.”
Finn lands gracelessly in the chair in front of Burt’s desk. He’s kicking himself already; how can he expect Burt to not want to kill him if he’s going to insinuate dirty sex things?
Finn is looking anywhere but at Burt when he hears Burt laugh. It’s not his Three Stooges laugh; it’s not even his laughing-at-his wife’s-jokes laugh. It sounds a little more awkward than that.
“Calm down, kid. Don’t have a coronary. I have it on good authority that Kurt would never forgive either of us for scaring him like that again.” Finn thinks a coronary might be kinder, but Burt ignores his discomfort. “Let me help you out,” Burt begins. “If I’m hearin’ you right, you’re sayin’ that you might wanna give this thing with Kurt a shot. Am I wrong?”
Finn shakes his head. “I’ve thought about it, and there are plenty of reasons why I should drop it… try to forget it, but there’s one really important reason not to.” His voice gets quiet and serious. “It’s never been like this before. I thought maybe I’d found something real with Rachel-and maybe I did-but it was nothing like this. I don’t know why this happened or why it happened now, but I can’t ignore it. And I don’t wanna just pass it up because it’s not easy.”
Burt is quiet, studying Finn for long minutes. Finn doesn’t fill the silence; he has nothing more to say. Burt pulls his cap off, holding it by the brim and scratching the top of his head with the same hand before pulling it back on tightly. He looks at Finn decidedly. “Okay.”
Finn wasn’t sure what he was expecting Burt’s reaction to be, but he thought it would be more than one word. “Okay?”
Burt hums in affirmation, standing up from where he’d been leaning against the edge of his desk. “You sound like you’ve made up your mind and I can’t blame ya. I’ve been where you are now, and ignoring it isn’t something anyone should hafta do.” Burt sighs. “I don’t know how this is gonna go down with Kurt, but I’m not gonna object to you two figuring it out. But if you two become an item, I want to know about it, ‘cause you’ll have to follow the same house rules with him that you would have to follow with anyone, ya get me?”
“Yeah. Absolutely.”
“Well, I better get back to it… unless you’ve got some other bombshell to drop on me.” Finn shakes his head furiously. Burt slaps Finn on the shoulder as he heads for the door of his office. Finn knows the gesture is friendly, but Burt hits hard. As his hand lands on the doorknob, Burt turns back to Finn before exiting. “You gonna tell him tonight?”
Finn’s stricken. He honestly hadn’t thought about it. He’d spent all his mental energy trying to decide if he was going to tell Kurt, and it occurs to him now that he’d never even considered how and when he would tell him. “I… I don’t know. I guess I haven’t gotten that far.”
Burt looks sympathetic. “Well, take your time and do it right. It’s all you can do.” Burt hesitates briefly before disappearing out the door.
---
Finn admits that forethought doesn’t come easily to him. Kurt though, he’s a planner. Kurt likes to allow for every contingency so that no matter what happens he is prepared. Finn respects that. He feels like if he’s going to do this whole confessing-his-feelings thing properly, he’s going to need to be more like Kurt. He needs a plan.
Kurt once tried to teach Finn how to make crêpes. Finn was stoked; you can’t buy frozen crêpes like you can frozen waffles, and it kind of sucks having to rely on other people for fresh ones. Kurt demonstrated all the steps as they went along before writing them down as Finn tried for himself. Things went well that day; Kurt had seemed pleased with Finn’s eagerness and ability to follow. Kurt stuck the instructions on the fridge with a magnet, so that if Finn ever craved crêpes in the middle of the night, he would never wake Kurt up for them ever, ever again.
The problem is that things are really easy to do when you have someone experienced watching to warn you when you’re about to go wrong. When that person is gone though, well, you end up forgetting to spray your stepbrother’s custom-ordered crêpe pan and all your crêpes get stuck, leaving you to eat mangled, rubbery, overdone chunks of what should be light, delicious crêpe.
Romance is like crêpes, Finn figures. It looks easy when someone is showing you how to do it, and what you get for your trouble is so worth it. The problem is that Finn is Finn, and he has no better instinct for romance than he does for making crêpes.
Rachel had made it so easy, giving him lists of pre-approved gifts for every occasion. She’d told him when he was expected to take her out, how fancy it was supposed to be, and what he was supposed to wear; all Finn had to do was not forget to show up. When he had tried to do something nice for Rachel on his own, he’d had his mom’s help cooking… and he’d forgotten that Rachel didn’t eat meat. If she had ever found out, it would have been a disaster.
And Kurt deserves crêpes. Kurt makes Finn happy in ways that Finn didn’t know were possible: big, overwhelming ways and little, hidden ways that feel private. He’s warm and he’s Kurt and he’s never wanted Finn to be anything but the best version of himself. So yeah… Kurt deserves crêpes. If Finn is going to tell Kurt that he loves him and even dare to hope that Kurt might feel something back, then Finn is going to have to make Kurt the best, fluffiest, Nutella-iest crêpes ever… even though he has no idea how to go about that.
Maybe it’s because of the crêpe metaphor, but Finn decides that food is the answer. People do romantic things over food all the time. Besides, Kurt would be super impressed if Finn cooked something for him. Romance is all about the gesture, Kurt said to him once when Finn was in the doghouse with Rachel. And is there a better gesture than trying to do something you suck at to impress the person that you love? Finn thinks not.
Finn knows what Kurt likes to eat; he’s just not sure how to spell any of it. Kurt always tells the family what he’s made for dinner, but it’s almost always got an indecipherable name that makes Finn unsure if he wants to eat it. Kurt never disappoints though; everything he makes is amazing and it’s usually not very weird anyway. Apparently it’s just that French people have foreign names for everything.
While Finn wishes he could make something on par with what Kurt might make, he doesn’t want to bite off more than he can chew. Instead, he DVRs the episode of Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals in which she makes a Shepherd’s Pie. It looks good; it’s just lamb and potatoes, but it’s all together in a dish, so that makes it fancier.
The problem is that when your whole meal is in one single dish, screwing it up means that you have nothing left to offer. When Finn pulls his Shepherd’s Pie from the oven, the top looks okay, but when he looks under the layer of potatoes, the middle just looks wrong. Finn rewinds the recording and listens to Rachael again, trying to determine if he had missed something. He had. Rachael had skimmed over the part in which she browned her meat, the magic of television allowing her to have some already on hand. Finn had also skimmed over it-as in, he hadn’t done it at all-meaning that he has a runny, bloody, unsanitary mess under his fluffy, well-browned potatoes.
Finn tries not to panic. He’s in the middle of not-panicking when Burt and his mom walk past the kitchen. They must smell something-like his desperation-because they come back to check out what he’s doing.
Carole walks in smiling at Finn with Burt trailing behind her. “Hey, honey! That looks good.”
“Yeah,” Finn grumbles. “On the outside.”
Carole must not hear him because she continues. “But it’s date night, remember? Burt and I are going out, so we won’t be here to enjoy it!”
“Actually, Mom… I made this for me and Kurt. I kinda wanted to do something special for him.” Finn doesn’t mention that it’s ruined. If he does he knows his mom will offer to stay and fix it. He doesn’t want to ruin her plans; besides, if he’s going to win Kurt, he’s going to do it on his own.
Carole makes a silly, sappy face, reaches up on her toes, and kisses Finn on his cheek. “Well, I think that is so sweet! I’m sure he’ll love it.” Carole looks around the kitchen for something, and when she doesn’t find it she trots back into the living room with a quick, “Be right back!”
Burt looks at Finn with an indiscernible scrutiny. He walks over to the Shepherd’s Pie resting on the stove, leans over it, and sniffs. “So.” He leans his hip against the counter, looking a little smug. “Tonight’s the night, huh?”
Finn huffs, starting to feel a little panicky. “Well, that was the plan, but I ruined the food. I don’t have time to remake it before Kurt gets home, and I have no idea what to do.”
“Hey, don’t worry,” Burt soothes. “You guys can order a pizza; it’s no big deal.”
“But it is a big deal!” Finn slams his hands on the counter hard enough to hear the clap. “Kurt deserves for everything to be perfect… and I can’t even handle dinner!” Finn can feel the echo of his too-loud voice in the stillness of the room and instantly regrets it.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa…” Burt comes over to Finn with his hands up, like he’s approaching a snorting bull. “Why are you so upset?”
Finn slumps against the counter, his ire draining at Burt’s expression of concern. He isn’t sure how to answer the question. How is he supposed to tell Burt that he’s afraid that if his offering isn’t good enough, it means he isn’t good enough? “What if this is a sign? What if I tell Kurt how I feel and he rejects me and it screws everything up? I mean, he has every reason to…”
“Stop right there.” Burt’s voice brooks no argument and his face is stern. “Listen to me. You’re scared right now; I get it. This ain’t easy, no matter who you are, and if you decide you don’t want to go through with this, then that’s okay. But I think you’ll regret it if you don’t. And to be honest with you, I think Kurt should get the chance to decide for himself. I’m not going to pretend that the two of you is the ideal set-up, but I’ve been payin’ attention. You look at him the way he should be looked at, and it doesn’t matter if you tell him over fancy food you made yourself as long as you look him like that when you tell him.”
Finn can’t do anything but blink. He tries to figure out how to respond, but as he gapes, Carole walks in the room with her purse in hand. “I’m ready! How do I look?” She spins around so that her skirt flutters.
“You’re beautiful.” Burt says it like it’s easy and obvious. Finn envies him.
“Yeah, Mom. You look really good.” Finn smiles at her and hopes she doesn’t read any of the anxiety on his face.
Burt turns back to pat Finn on the shoulder once before leaning in with a conspiratorial, “Good luck.” He then joins his wife, sweeping her out of the kitchen with his hand low on her back.
Finn considers what Burt said. He could still change his mind. He could still decide to just give this up, to lock his feelings away until Kurt moves to New York and Finn can get over him. Finn thinks that maybe that’s the best thing to do: let Kurt go and not burden him with this; because that’s what this is, isn’t it? A burden? Finn senses a presence in the room, and when he looks over his shoulder, Kurt is standing a few feet away, considering him with a tilted head. He’s home right on time.
“Hey, Finn,” Kurt says, stretching out the vowels. “What’s all this?”
Nervously, Finn starts gathering dishes and putting them in the sink as he runs the tap, ignoring his ruined casserole sitting on the stove like a taunt. Kurt though crosses over to the still hot food and studies it closely. He looks pleased and maybe even proud. “Shepherd’s Pie? Did you make this?”
Finn takes in Kurt’s expression. It’s exactly the one he wanted to see. Too bad it’s all a lie. “Yeah, but I screwed it up,” Finn confesses sadly, turning back to the sink. “I didn’t brown the meat before I put it in and now it’s all raw and gross. I’d throw it away, but I’m still too weirded out to deal with it.”
“Wow,” Kurt says. Finn isn’t facing him but he can hear the dish scraping against the trivets on the stove. “This is ambitious, Finn. I’m impressed.”
Finn scoffs. He’s being pouty and petulant and he knows it, but he can’t stop himself. “Impressed that I can suck so badly at so many things?”
Before Finn can kick himself for his hysterics, Kurt is right behind him. He nudges Finn, trying to get him to turn around. Finn resists, but not for long. His hands are dripping, so he grabs a dishtowel and dries them off, avoiding Kurt’s eyes. Kurt stills Finn’s nervous drying with a single touch to the hand. Their eyes meet.
“What’s wrong?” Kurt asks so gently. Finn looks away, unsure of what to say and feeling like he might actually, literally cry. Kurt doesn’t let him off the hook. “Come on; spill it. You seem really upset… Is it just about the dinner? Because I’ve ruined plenty of things, especially the first time I made them.”
Finn shakes his head, staring down at his shoes.
“Then what is it? Do you want to talk about it?” Kurt gestures toward the fridge. “I can heat us up some milk…”
Despite being as low as a whisper, the words still burst out with considerable force. “I love you.” Aw crap.
Kurt’s brow wrinkles in confusion, but then he smiles amusedly. “I love you, too.” He huffs a tiny laugh and meets Finn’s eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay? You didn’t eat any of Puck’s quote-unquote candy, did you? Because I’m pretty sure that was drugs.”
“No…” Finn puts the dishtowel aside on the counter. “I mean…” He just stares at Kurt. He could still beg out. He could pretend he meant it the same way Kurt had meant it, but he isn’t going to do that. Kurt is too near and Finn is too selfish.
“I…” Say it, Finn. Just do it.
Kurt juts his chin forward in an expression of expectation. “Yes?”
“I…” …love you. I’m in love with you. Just man up and say it. “…have feelings for you.” Finn’s hands shake. He’s disappointed that he pulled back at the last minute, but it should be enough; middle ground is better than no ground, he figures.
Kurt’s eyebrows shoot toward his hairline and freeze there. Finn has been getting a lot of that lately. “Feelings? What do you mean by ‘feelings’?”
“You know… those kinds of feelings. Like the ones I had for Rachel, except you know, not exactly the same…”
Kurt holds still, looking at Finn with a disbelieving look. His vocal tone is flat. “You’re kidding.”
“No.” Finn shakes his head but keeps eye contact with Kurt. “No, I’m not.”
Kurt is silent and deathly still. Finn can see Kurt’s defensive barrier rise as if it were a tangible thing. It hurts, but it isn’t surprising.
“Kurt, listen… I know you don’t feel that way about me anymore. I get it… you like Blaine now and that’s cool. He’s a good guy. I just had to tell you anyway, because not telling you was starting to feel a lot like lying.” Finn slows down, breathing in and out. “I don’t expect anything though, okay? I just… I needed you to know.”
Kurt doesn’t move. His face doesn’t give anything away, but his arms are wrapped tight around himself and it’s tense. Finn feels kind of sick.
“Okay.” Finn decides that retreat is his best option. If he were Kurt, he’d need a minute to process everything. “I’m gonna…” He points at the doorway to the living room and begins heading toward it. As he passes Kurt though, he stops. He hesitates for a moment before turning to Kurt briefly and wrapping his arms around him in a quick, sharp embrace. It lasts for less than a second, just long enough to squeeze once, before he pulls away and walks out the door. By the time he gets to his room, Finn’s hands are shaking and he feels like he could puke, but he feels kind of brave, too. He put himself out there and it was scary, but he did it. Now it’s up to Kurt what he’s going to do with it.
---
By the time Finn rolls out of bed the next morning, he knows he hasn’t given himself much time before he needs to leave for school. He runs around getting dressed, passably brushing his teeth, and finding his shoes. He flies down the stairs calling for Kurt as he runs, but Kurt doesn’t reply. Finn looks out the window and Kurt’s car is still there, so he isn’t sure what to think. He and Kurt usually ride together unless they have separate plans after school, in which case Kurt takes his Navigator. But if the Navigator is still in the driveway…
Finn grabs his bag and heads for the kitchen, thinking that maybe Kurt is grabbing some breakfast. As he does though, he sees a crisp, white sheet of paper stuck on the door. It’s a piece of Kurt’s stationery with the fancy “KEH” at the top and a brief note in his script: “Riding to school with Mercedes today. -Kurt”
Finn stares at the hastily written words for a minute while he processes them. Kurt’s avoiding him. Finn tries to be surprised or at least offended, but he’s not, not after Kurt’s reaction in the kitchen. Finn pulls the note off the door and sticks it in his pocket, rushing to the driveway and into his truck.
It’s not unusual for Finn to go the whole day without seeing Kurt. They don’t share any classes except for Glee, and that’s after school. It’s Friday, meaning they don’t even have Glee today, so if Kurt wants to avoid Finn, he’ll have no trouble at all. The thought almost makes Finn skip lunch, until he remembers that the cafeteria is serving tamales and, despite what one would expect from cafeteria food, they are actually really good.
Surrounded by his football friends, Finn eats his tamales and does his best not to think about Kurt and the certain idiot he made of himself the previous night. Puck and Sam are arm wrestling and talking smack which is pretty diverting considering how evenly matched they are. Finn is fully engrossed until he hears his phone chime in his pocket. It’s a text from Kurt: Last night. The Shepherd’s Pie… did you do that for me?
Finn’s surprised at the contact. He taps out a reply: yes.
Puck and Sam are starting to look strained now, their faces tense and a little sweaty. The contest is starting to look less friendly and more deadly serious. Finn’s phone chimes again: Why?
Well, that’s the sixty-four million dollar question or whatever. What can he say? I had a crazy notion that maybe if I could be what you deserve you could possibly love me? It may be true, but he’s not sure that he wants Kurt to understand the true level of his patheticness. He could lie, but he doesn’t want to. Kurt makes him wish he never had to lie.
Finn taps back, I wanted to do something nice for you like you deserve. and I wanted to tell you about well you know. I just wanted to do it right. He hits send and places his phone on the table, waiting for Kurt’s response. Puck and Sam are so red in the face that they might burst the blood vessels in their eyes; normally that would make Finn laugh, but he’s too distracted. He keeps glancing at his phone, but when the end-of-period bell rings, there’s still no response.
It’s last period-Spanish class, and thanks to Señor Martinez, Finn may actually be learning something-when a reply from Kurt finally comes. Sorry about this morning. Can I ride home with you?
Finn sighs with relief and his heart speeds inexplicably. It really shouldn’t be a big deal-Kurt rides with him all the time-but it is. Kurt isn’t too scared or weirded out to be near Finn; Finn feels like a rock was removed from atop his chest. He replies, careful not to get caught texting: yeah, dude!! i’m in the north lot.
When the bell rings, Finn ducks around people to race to his truck, making an effort to collect himself before he gets there. It’s just Kurt and Kurt doesn’t seem to be holding a grudge, but Finn still feels like he could still screw this up, so he’s going to play it cool. It’s just one brother giving another brother a ride and oh god, should he really be calling Kurt his brother in his head when he’s feeling like this?
Despite Finn’s rushing, Kurt beats Finn to the truck. Kurt turns to Finn as he approaches and gives a small, seemingly casual wave. Finn runs up and stops dead a few feet in front of Kurt.
Kurt doesn’t give Finn a chance to say anything. “Finn, I want to apologize for-”
Finn stops him, cutting him off and gesturing wildly. “No, Kurt. You don’t have to do that.”
Kurt replies quickly. “Yes, I do. I know that-“
“Kurt.” Finn puts as much authority and gravity into his voice as he can. “It’s alright. I don’t blame you for… needing some time, okay? I just need to know one thing: we’re okay, right? Like, I don’t need to move out of the house or anything? Because I’m not sure I can afford rent in the good part of town, and-”
Kurt’s startled laugh is bright and genuine. It’s such a good sound. If there was any tension, they just broke through it. “Yes, we’re good. You don’t need to move out.”
Finn sighs, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders. “Thank god, dude. I wasn’t sure how I was gonna swing that.” He stands for a moment, scanning Kurt’s face for a sign of discomfort and not finding any. “You ready to go?”
Kurt nods and moves around to the passenger side of the truck. They both get in and head for home. Their conversation isn’t unlike what it would normally be: Kurt recounts the day’s drama with a flair that makes it much more entertaining than it actually is while Finn mostly listens. At a stoplight, Finn turns to Kurt, watching as Kurt makes animated hand gestures along with the story.
“I thought that they might literally fight over it. Santana was being Santana, bragging about her home’s proximity to Lima Heights and asking if Tina knows the Spanish word for ‘razorblades.’ And Tina! You know, sweet, little I-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-birdcage-veil Tina? She was in Santana’s face, talking about dark rituals and magic which I am certain she doesn’t actually do. If I hadn’t intervened, I think it would have escalated to hair-pulling.”
Finn smiles. “What did you say?”
“I told them that they aren’t going to settle anything by being brutes. If they want to know whose significant other is the better dancer, they should just make Mike and Brittany have a dance-off like reasonable people.”
“Whoa… are they gonna do it? ‘Cuz that would be pretty cool.”
Kurt scoffs. “I have no idea. I know that neither Mike nor Brittany care which one of them is better; they aren’t that competitive. On the other hand, they would do anything to make their girlfriends happy.” Kurt shrugs. “I figure if anything goes down, I’ll be getting a text.”
The light turns green and Finn starts driving again, his attention turned back to the road in front of him. “Well if you do, don’t forget to tell me. I wouldn’t wanna miss it.”
Kurt doesn’t reply; he just hums an acknowledgement, whipping out his phone and going through something. Finn glances at him, just for a second, before turning back to the road. “You look really nice today, by the way.” He tries to sound sure when he says it, but it comes out sounding shier than he intends. “I like your vest.”
With his eyes on the road, Finn can only see Kurt with his peripheral vision, so he notices Kurt’s hands stop scrolling on his phone’s touch screen but doesn’t see his facial expression. He’s kind of afraid to look. Kurt is silent for a moment before coolly replying, “Thank you.”
---
Finn didn’t really expect for Kurt to suddenly decide to spend the weekend with him or anything, but he didn’t expect Blaine’s car to already be in the driveway when they got home either. When they drive up and park alongside him, Blaine turns and smiles brightly at them both.
Kurt waves at Blaine and jumps out of the truck before Finn can even shut the engine off. They don’t hug or anything, but they both look really excited to see each other. Finn climbs out of the car to find them both already headlong into a conversation.
“After I got your text, I blew off the rest of the day. I changed, packed a bag, and jumped in the car. When Kurt Hummel says he has an emergency and needs me right away, I figure it’s got to be more important than fencing practice, right?”
Kurt freezes solid with a look of obvious discomfort. “Kurt?” Blaine inquires, touching his fingers to Kurt’s arm. “Is something wrong?”
Kurt glances back at Finn, so Finn looks away quickly. Finn carefully studies his keys like he’s having trouble remembering which one is the right one to the front door but knows that Kurt sees right through the charade. Kurt grabs Blaine and drags him to the entrance, digging out his own keys. Finn follows-he’s not going to stand around outside and make it obvious that he can see what’s going on-but tries not to stand too close to either of them. “Not now, Blaine,” Kurt admonishes in a stage whisper.
Kurt gets the door open and pulls Blaine through it, Finn watching them as they immediately head up the stairs. They walk so closely that their elbows brush, comfortable and trusting of each other. They look like partners.
Kurt is still rushing Blaine, directing him toward his room. He stops at the top of the stairs and turns. “We’ll be in my room if you need us. It’s Carole’s turn for dinner, right? Let her know she can come get us if she needs any help.” Kurt doesn’t wait for a reply. He turns quickly, heading down the hall and out of Finn’s eye-line.
Finn stands motionless at the bottom of the stairs, feeling grief all the way to his bones. He’s not exactly sure why Kurt needed to talk to Blaine so urgently and every reason he can come up with is discomforting. He needs a distraction. He throws his bag down next to the couch in the living room before flopping down and violently turning on his Xbox. He really needs to blow some stuff up.
Enough time passes that he almost forgets that Kurt and Blaine are upstairs doing god-knows-what. Carole comes home with bags of groceries that Finn takes from her, causing her to bestow her proud, pleased smile. Finn is grateful for the approval. He offers to help with dinner too, despite the trauma of the previous night. He remembers what Kurt said about coming to get him and Blaine for help, but Finn doesn’t mention it. He’d rather help with dinner himself than knock on Kurt’s door right now.
Blaine doesn’t always come to their weekly Family Dinners, but he’s been invited before. Considering that he brought a fancy, designer overnight bag, Finn assumes that Blaine is staying for more than just dinner. Finn thinks that it’s probably unfair that Blaine gets to spend the night when Finn’s never gotten to have a girl sleep over, platonic or not. He’s never really minded Blaine staying over before, but now it makes him want to grind his teeth.
Dinner goes pretty well considering the potential for awkwardness. Carole seems thrilled to have them all there, making jokes about how honored she is to have “so many handsome men” around her table. When she moves to get up and take plates to the sink, Blaine jumps up and pulls her chair out for her. Kurt smiles like it’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen. Finn kind of wants to vomit.
After dinner Burt and Carole retreat to the den for some movie-watching and gross, old-people snuggling. Technically it’s Kurt’s night to do the dishes, but Finn offers to do them instead.
“No, Finn!” Kurt protests. “You did them last night! I’ve got it.”
“But you have company! I’m sure you guys have… stuff that you were going to do.” Finn hopes he doesn’t sound as hangdog as he feels when he says it. “I don’t mind.”
“Nonsense.” Kurt pushes Finn out of the kitchen with both hands on his back. He’s really strong. “It’s my turn. It’s only fair! Besides, Blaine will help me. Right, Blaine?”
“Yes, sir.” Blaine jokes, taking plates over to the sink and starting the water. “We’ve got it, Finn. Don’t worry.”
Kurt has already turned around and is picking up more dishes. There’s only so much room at the sink, so Finn doesn’t offer to stay and help. They don’t really need him anyway.
---
Finn doesn’t like to think that he spends that night moping, but he’s not sure there’s another word for it. Kurt and Blaine retreat back to Kurt’s room after doing the dishes, while Burt and Carole spend the evening camped out in the den. Finn doesn’t feel like joining them-he isn’t feeling very personable-so he hides out in his room with a bag of chips and his iPod. Finn is not proud of the melodramatic songs he sings that night.
The next morning, Finn stumbles down the stairs in his t-shirt and boxers in search of sugary cereal. He sits at the breakfast bar, eyes bleary, and pours himself a bowl of Lucky Charms and milk. He keeps his eyes closed when he chews, opening them only to scoop up a bite with the proper cereal to marshmallow ratio. He repeats the process, working through his giant bowl until he opens his eyes for another spoonful and sees Blaine walk up beside him.
Blaine is slightly more alert, but not much. He’s wearing a pair of pin-striped pajama pants and a tank top, forcing Finn to admit begrudgingly to himself that Blaine has really nice arms. Finn dejectedly realizes that Kurt has just spent the whole night with those arms.
“Good morning.” Blaine moves around the kitchen like he lives there, grabbing a spoon and a bowl. He hops up onto the barstool next to Finn and gestures to the cereal and milk on the counter. “Can I?”
Finn wordlessly pushes the cereal box and milk within Blaine’s reach. Blaine fills his bowl and eats with Finn in companionable silence as they become more alert, but the quiet doesn’t last long. “Finn,” Blaine opens using his mentor voice. Finn tries not to roll his eyes. “I’m not sure how to broach the subject, so I’m just going to just come out and say it. Kurt told me that you’re feeling a little… confused right now.” Blaine puts a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “I just want you to know that it’s completely normal at our age to question expectations and to test our sexual boundaries.”
Finn pours more cereal into his sugary, left-over milk. “Uh huh.”
Blaine gestures to himself, splaying his fingers across his chest. “I’ve been there myself! I kissed Rachel at that party and it made me question a few things-”
“I remember…” Finn mumbles.
“-but I figured it out. Maybe that’s what you need to do!”
Finn turns to look Blaine in his earnest eyes. “Are you telling me I should make out with Kurt?”
“What? No!” Blaine nearly tips his bowl over in his gesture. “No… that’s not… I think you need to figure this out. I’d be glad to talk to you about it, or maybe you have a counselor at school?”
Finn blinks. “But… you resolved your confusion,” Finn lays the snark on as thickly as he can, “by making out with a girl, right? Why don’t you think I can do the same thing?”
“Because it’s not the same Finn! You’re straight!”
“And you’re gay. I really don’t see the difference.”
“Because… when I kissed Rachel, it didn’t hurt anyone. She helped me work through my confliction, and I didn’t hurt her at all. She thanked me!” Blaine is sounding defensive… and maybe a little protective.
“And you don’t want me to kiss Kurt because… you think it would hurt him?”
Blaine composes himself. “Yes. I do. I understand why Kurt might… inspire these feelings in you, making you think that he’s the only person that can resolve the issue, but I think you’re not considering the ramifications. Say you kiss Kurt and you two experiment. Eventually you’ll realize that he’s not what you want, and when you do, Kurt will be left in the lurch.” Blaine looks at Finn deep in his eyes with a seriousness that most people their age haven’t mastered yet. “You’re his brother, Finn. He loves you. Don’t do this to him.”
“I’m in love with him.” It gets easier each time Finn says it.
Blaine’s eyes widen and his jaw drops open a little before he remembers his manners and closes it again. His eyes dart around the room like he’s not positive that he hasn’t fallen into a parallel universe. “Oh.”
Finn stands and takes his now empty bowl to the sink. “Yeah.”
“He didn’t tell me.” Blaine looks sympathetic now.
“Probably because I didn’t stress the ‘in love’ part. I said that I have feelings for him; I didn’t want to push my luck. Don’t… don’t tell him, okay?”
Blaine shakes his head briskly. “I wouldn’t. It’s not my place.”
“Thanks, man.” Finn gives Blaine a lopsided grin. Finn knows that he has no real reason to have a problem with Blaine, but it’s hard not to feel bitter. Finn feels like he’s running a race and he’s been watching Blaine’s back from the start.
Finn turns and heads for the door, but apparently Blaine isn’t done. “He doesn’t think you’re serious, you know.” Blaine says it quietly. Finn wonders if it was supposed to be a secret. “About all this. About him.”
Finn nods, more to himself than to Blaine. “I know… This came outta nowhere for both of us.” He turns to Blaine again. “I don’t really expect him to suddenly decide he wants me, especially now...” Now that he has you, Finn thinks. “Maybe one day we’ll look back at this and laugh at how messed up it all is… but it’s not gonna keep me from making sure he knows. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us, ya know?”
Blaine looks at Finn like he’s speaking a language he made up, but Finn doesn’t care. This isn’t about Blaine. Finn trudges back up the stairs, hears the shower running in Kurt and Finn’s shared bathroom as he passes, climbs into bed, and goes back to sleep.
Part Two