Xena: A Retrospective
This a cross between an episode synopsis and a fanfic, if it's well received I might do one for every episode.
The Warrior Princess.
The episode opens with a two very well muscled men sweating together in a forge, what better way to launch the greatest spinoff saga of subtext with some not so subtle subtext of its own?
Iolaus is sexually frustrated, presumably because Hercules always keeps those leather pants on, and takes out his frustration by thrusting his phallic knife into Sabrina's house. Sabrina rejects these advances because she is married to someone with a bigger knife and Iolaus is sad, pondering using the phallic weapon to slit his wrists.
Hercules comforts Iolaus by saying that somewhere there is the perfect woman out there for him. In hindsight this is hilarious as we all know Xena is not the perfect woman for either Iolaus or even Hercules, she's the perfect woman for Gabrielle.
Cut to an unspecified village where Xena beats the crap out of her army to establish her as a Bad Girl and a Bad Ass Warrior Woman. If there wasn't any doubt of her current villain status, she then makes clear her intent to kill Hercules.
Uh-oh.
Roll Titles.
Hercules is building a wall, possibly implying that he too is sexually frustrated. Alcmene comes over to discuss Iolaus' love life, she seems to think Iolaus needs a woman in his life but Hercules is oddly reticent about this suggestion, perhaps he doesn't want the competition.
Cut to Xena and her Poor Sap Red Shirt Theodorus. They aren't talking about anything important, the conversation is only there to show us that Xena is both dominant and quick-tempered. Xena then proceeds to lame her horse.
Argo Fans: Neigh!
Don't worry, it's clearly not Argo, she hasn't been established yet. If we weren't already sure that she was a Bad Girl because of her declaration to kill Hercules, the Wanton Cruelty To Animals seals the deal.
While Xena is pretending to doctor her Not!Argo horse, Iolaus comes along and Xena threatens him with a knife. She is clearly pretending to be the Strong Yet Vulnerable Damsel type that Iolaus loves and he falls for it.
Cut to a tavern where Hercules makes jokes about building his mother's wall and finds Iolaus. Iolaus has neglected to help Hercules build his wall because he got distracted by Xena. The wall is almost like a metaphor for their relationship, or something. Iolaus introduces Xena to Hercules:
Xena: "I'm Xena."
Hercules: "The Warrior Princess? The Destroyer of Nations? The Woman who defied Caesar, killed the Emperor Ming Tzu of Chin and burnt the shit out of Jappa?"
Xena: "Yep, I have many skills."
Hercules: "Well I've never heard of you."
Anyway, Xena doesn't seem impressed by Hercules' demi-godhood and gives Iolaus a blatant invitation to bed, in case we hadn't realised yet that she was going to seduce him.
Cut to Alcmene's farm where Hercules is doing a really bad job at building the wall because he's jealous of all the woohooing that Iolaus and Xena are doing. Here the wall is not so much a metaphor for Hercules' relationship with Iolaus as it is for masturbation... right?
Cut to a sexy bedroom somewhere and Iolaus and Xena are kissing. Xena reveals that she came to town looking for Hercules to help drive out a warlord. Knowing that constantly comparing himself to Hercules and, in his opinion, never measuring up, really gets on Iolaus' tits, Xena manipulates him to follow her back to wherever she came from.
Cut to some other place where Xena is kissing her Poor Sap Red Shirt Theodorus and manipulates him into trying to kill Hercules. Xena has many womanly whiles all over the place.
Xena and Iolaus ride past Hercules who is still building the wall on his own. He offers to help fight the Warlord but Iolaus wants to prove himself to Xena and rebuffs his suggestion. Then Hercules goes into a barn to be alone for... some personal reason and Theodorus attacks him. After a fight scene in which Theodorus gets killed with a rake so Hercules' isn't sullied with having the man's death on his own hands, Hercules finds Xena's medallion on the poor Red Shirt's body.
Hercules goes to Alcmene and shows her the medallion and explains that's how he knows Xena planned the whole thing, in case the audience didn't pick up on this already. Alcmene points out that Iolaus will be very cross with Hercules and Hercules knows he is walking into a trap, but he does it anyway for the power of love, or something.
Cut to a forest where Xena attempts to fill Iolaus' brain with anti-Herculean propaganda, punctuated with sex. Then Xena attacks a bunch of innocent people, claiming that they are part of the warlord's troops, which again establishes her as really a Bad Ass Warrior Woman. They arrive at Xena's army camp and have some meaningless banter that moves the scene along a bit.
Hercules finds Iolaus' s phallic knife where they attacked the innocent people and makes a crumpleface.
Then it's Xena's first hot tub scene, and with a man, no less! Here Xena gives Iolaus some of her back story, but since it doesn't gel with anything we later learn about the Warrior Princess, we'll assume she's lying. Xena gives Iolaus a massage, but before he can get a happy ending a soldier announces that Hercules has arrived. Xena goads Iolaus into thinking that Hercules is here because he doesn't think Iolaus can fight on his own and Iolaus gets angry.
Hercules accuses Xena of being a sneaky witch thief and Iolaus gets even more angry and punches Hercules. Hercules throws Iolaus' phallic knife at him and walks away.
Cut to a tavern where Hercules mopes for a while before learning that the warlord Xena says she is fighting is actually a farmer. The farmer convinces Hercules that he is the only one who can stop Xena from... doing bad things.
Cut to Xena's rooms where Iolaus is emo about the way he left things with Hercules, while sharpening his phallic knife. Xena tells him to come to bed when he's finished sharpening it. Does the knife represent his love for Hercules?
Cut to another of Xena's rooms where she is conversing with Red Shirt 2# aka Estrogon. This scene establishes that Xena plans to kill Hercules by making him weak by forcing him to kill Iolaus. Did we get all that? It also establishes that Xena is also using her womanly whiles on Estrogon as he is obviously hoping for sex. Is there anyone in this episode Xena hasn't seduced?
Alcmene: *looks guilty*
Anyway, the not!warlord guy shows Hercules his son's grave and mopes about it, which convinces Hercules to stand up to Xena's whiles, which was kind of pointless since he already wanted to do that in the previous scene, but I guess you have to meet time requirements or something.
Xena and her Red Shirt get on their horses (neither of which is Argo) and attack Hercules. The Red Shirt surrenders and Xena uses the chakram for the first time, killing her Red Shirt. Instead of freaking the hell out because Xena has a fucking awesome flying disc of death, Hercules says some noble boring stuff to her. Xena rides off and messes her hair up and rips up her rather tacky armour in comparison to her familiar brown leather outfit before going back to Iolaus.
Iolaus is practicing with his phallic knife and is surprised when Xena comes back injured. She tells him that Hercules killed her Red Shirt 2# and is determined to kill her too. Iolaus buys all this without question and says that if he has to kill Hercules to protect her, he will.
Xena gives orders that no one is to hurt Hercules until he has killed Iolaus, again establishing that she is really really bad. Hercules comes to see Iolaus and Iolaus won't listen to anything Hercules has to say. Iolaus attacks Hercules but cannot bring himself to use his phallic knife to hurt his friend. Xena does the whole "curses you foiled my cunning plan by the power of friendship" routine and a big fight ensues.
Hercules and Iolaus beat the crap of out everybody and Xena escapes on a horse that is definitely not Argo. Hercules and Iolaus make up and Hercules promises not to lecture Iolaus about his behavior.
Iolaus: "Maybe I should just give up on women altogether?"
Hercules: "I think that would be a good idea."
Iolaus: "Yeah...wait a minute" *looks at Hercules*
Hercules: "Iolaus, it seems like an awful lot like for a red-blooded man like you to be walking away from."
Iolaus: *walks away*
Hercules: "Oh come on, we're Greek!"
*Roll credits*
The Warrior Princess.
The episode opens with a two very well muscled men sweating together in a forge, what better way to launch the greatest spinoff saga of subtext with some not so subtle subtext of its own?
Iolaus is sexually frustrated, presumably because Hercules always keeps those leather pants on, and takes out his frustration by thrusting his phallic knife into Sabrina's house. Sabrina rejects these advances because she is married to someone with a bigger knife and Iolaus is sad, pondering using the phallic weapon to slit his wrists.
Hercules comforts Iolaus by saying that somewhere there is the perfect woman out there for him. In hindsight this is hilarious as we all know Xena is not the perfect woman for either Iolaus or even Hercules, she's the perfect woman for Gabrielle.
Cut to an unspecified village where Xena beats the crap out of her army to establish her as a Bad Girl and a Bad Ass Warrior Woman. If there wasn't any doubt of her current villain status, she then makes clear her intent to kill Hercules.
Uh-oh.
Roll Titles.
Hercules is building a wall, possibly implying that he too is sexually frustrated. Alcmene comes over to discuss Iolaus' love life, she seems to think Iolaus needs a woman in his life but Hercules is oddly reticent about this suggestion, perhaps he doesn't want the competition.
Cut to Xena and her Poor Sap Red Shirt Theodorus. They aren't talking about anything important, the conversation is only there to show us that Xena is both dominant and quick-tempered. Xena then proceeds to lame her horse.
Argo Fans: Neigh!
Don't worry, it's clearly not Argo, she hasn't been established yet. If we weren't already sure that she was a Bad Girl because of her declaration to kill Hercules, the Wanton Cruelty To Animals seals the deal.
While Xena is pretending to doctor her Not!Argo horse, Iolaus comes along and Xena threatens him with a knife. She is clearly pretending to be the Strong Yet Vulnerable Damsel type that Iolaus loves and he falls for it.
Cut to a tavern where Hercules makes jokes about building his mother's wall and finds Iolaus. Iolaus has neglected to help Hercules build his wall because he got distracted by Xena. The wall is almost like a metaphor for their relationship, or something. Iolaus introduces Xena to Hercules:
Xena: "I'm Xena."
Hercules: "The Warrior Princess? The Destroyer of Nations? The Woman who defied Caesar, killed the Emperor Ming Tzu of Chin and burnt the shit out of Jappa?"
Xena: "Yep, I have many skills."
Hercules: "Well I've never heard of you."
Anyway, Xena doesn't seem impressed by Hercules' demi-godhood and gives Iolaus a blatant invitation to bed, in case we hadn't realised yet that she was going to seduce him.
Cut to Alcmene's farm where Hercules is doing a really bad job at building the wall because he's jealous of all the woohooing that Iolaus and Xena are doing. Here the wall is not so much a metaphor for Hercules' relationship with Iolaus as it is for masturbation... right?
Cut to a sexy bedroom somewhere and Iolaus and Xena are kissing. Xena reveals that she came to town looking for Hercules to help drive out a warlord. Knowing that constantly comparing himself to Hercules and, in his opinion, never measuring up, really gets on Iolaus' tits, Xena manipulates him to follow her back to wherever she came from.
Cut to some other place where Xena is kissing her Poor Sap Red Shirt Theodorus and manipulates him into trying to kill Hercules. Xena has many womanly whiles all over the place.
Xena and Iolaus ride past Hercules who is still building the wall on his own. He offers to help fight the Warlord but Iolaus wants to prove himself to Xena and rebuffs his suggestion. Then Hercules goes into a barn to be alone for... some personal reason and Theodorus attacks him. After a fight scene in which Theodorus gets killed with a rake so Hercules' isn't sullied with having the man's death on his own hands, Hercules finds Xena's medallion on the poor Red Shirt's body.
Hercules goes to Alcmene and shows her the medallion and explains that's how he knows Xena planned the whole thing, in case the audience didn't pick up on this already. Alcmene points out that Iolaus will be very cross with Hercules and Hercules knows he is walking into a trap, but he does it anyway for the power of love, or something.
Cut to a forest where Xena attempts to fill Iolaus' brain with anti-Herculean propaganda, punctuated with sex. Then Xena attacks a bunch of innocent people, claiming that they are part of the warlord's troops, which again establishes her as really a Bad Ass Warrior Woman. They arrive at Xena's army camp and have some meaningless banter that moves the scene along a bit.
Hercules finds Iolaus' s phallic knife where they attacked the innocent people and makes a crumpleface.
Then it's Xena's first hot tub scene, and with a man, no less! Here Xena gives Iolaus some of her back story, but since it doesn't gel with anything we later learn about the Warrior Princess, we'll assume she's lying. Xena gives Iolaus a massage, but before he can get a happy ending a soldier announces that Hercules has arrived. Xena goads Iolaus into thinking that Hercules is here because he doesn't think Iolaus can fight on his own and Iolaus gets angry.
Hercules accuses Xena of being a sneaky witch thief and Iolaus gets even more angry and punches Hercules. Hercules throws Iolaus' phallic knife at him and walks away.
Cut to a tavern where Hercules mopes for a while before learning that the warlord Xena says she is fighting is actually a farmer. The farmer convinces Hercules that he is the only one who can stop Xena from... doing bad things.
Cut to Xena's rooms where Iolaus is emo about the way he left things with Hercules, while sharpening his phallic knife. Xena tells him to come to bed when he's finished sharpening it. Does the knife represent his love for Hercules?
Cut to another of Xena's rooms where she is conversing with Red Shirt 2# aka Estrogon. This scene establishes that Xena plans to kill Hercules by making him weak by forcing him to kill Iolaus. Did we get all that? It also establishes that Xena is also using her womanly whiles on Estrogon as he is obviously hoping for sex. Is there anyone in this episode Xena hasn't seduced?
Alcmene: *looks guilty*
Anyway, the not!warlord guy shows Hercules his son's grave and mopes about it, which convinces Hercules to stand up to Xena's whiles, which was kind of pointless since he already wanted to do that in the previous scene, but I guess you have to meet time requirements or something.
Xena and her Red Shirt get on their horses (neither of which is Argo) and attack Hercules. The Red Shirt surrenders and Xena uses the chakram for the first time, killing her Red Shirt. Instead of freaking the hell out because Xena has a fucking awesome flying disc of death, Hercules says some noble boring stuff to her. Xena rides off and messes her hair up and rips up her rather tacky armour in comparison to her familiar brown leather outfit before going back to Iolaus.
Iolaus is practicing with his phallic knife and is surprised when Xena comes back injured. She tells him that Hercules killed her Red Shirt 2# and is determined to kill her too. Iolaus buys all this without question and says that if he has to kill Hercules to protect her, he will.
Xena gives orders that no one is to hurt Hercules until he has killed Iolaus, again establishing that she is really really bad. Hercules comes to see Iolaus and Iolaus won't listen to anything Hercules has to say. Iolaus attacks Hercules but cannot bring himself to use his phallic knife to hurt his friend. Xena does the whole "curses you foiled my cunning plan by the power of friendship" routine and a big fight ensues.
Hercules and Iolaus beat the crap of out everybody and Xena escapes on a horse that is definitely not Argo. Hercules and Iolaus make up and Hercules promises not to lecture Iolaus about his behavior.
Iolaus: "Maybe I should just give up on women altogether?"
Hercules: "I think that would be a good idea."
Iolaus: "Yeah...wait a minute" *looks at Hercules*
Hercules: "Iolaus, it seems like an awful lot like for a red-blooded man like you to be walking away from."
Iolaus: *walks away*
Hercules: "Oh come on, we're Greek!"
*Roll credits*