Xena: A Retrospective
Continuing from before...
The Gauntlet
Xena said she would be back, and she's true to her word! We open with a scene where Xena and her new Evil Lieutenant Darphus are discussing doing something evil. This conversation establishes Xena as a Bad Girl again, but not as Bad as Darphus who wants to slaughter everyone, while Xena has a thing for not killing women and children. Anyway some bad shit is going down and Xena is the one doing it, mostly.
Cut to Hercules eating dinner and making a bad joke about Epicureanism that probably went over Kevin Sorbo's head. He is soon joined by Homer Young Iolaus Hercules' cousin Iloron who we have never heard of before and will never see again after this episode but we are told they have a loving relationship despite having not seen each other for five years. Iloron tells Hercules that some bad shit is going down and Hercules agrees to help.
Cut to Xena attacking a village further establishing her as a Bad Girl, in case we didn't watch The Warrior Princess or the Teaser to this episode.
Roll Titles.
Xena's warriors find Salmoneus dressed as a woman, possibly foreshadowing the Some Like It Hot homage episode of Hercules, but probably not. Xena spares him because he says he knows Hercules and because she finds him amusing, possibly hinting that she's not as a bad as she seems.
Hercules and his cousin find the wreckage Xena's army left behind and Hercules discovers that the army is led by a woman. Instead of telling Iloron what he knows, he broods about it for no apparent reason.
Cut to a scene that fulfils no purpose except to give Robert Trebor some screen time doing something silly. Why is he even in this episode? Oh wait, it's because Joxer won't be around for another twenty something episodes. Forget I asked.
Cut to a scene of Hercules and his cousin announcing that they are being followed.
Cut to a scene of Xena and Darphus discussing where to attack next. This scene establishes Darphus as really bad and Xena as having her own kind of moral code, whacked as it is. Xena decides to go north with her scouts which conviently leaves Darphus alone to do bad things while absolving Xena of most of the guilt.
With Xena gone Darphus (surprise!) decides to attack a village without waiting for her orders. He orders that everyone, including the woman and children, are too be killed, much to Salmoneus' horror. They attack the village and Xena returns to see the remains. She is, understandably, pissed, and in defiance of Darphus' murderous ways she decides to rescue the baby she found in the wreckage. When we compare this with her Wanton Cruelty To Horses in the previous Xena episode, we can see that Xena has changed a bit. As Gabrielle would later put it, the seed of goodness has taken root in Xena's lovely, but dangerous, bosom.
Hercules ambushes the man who was following him and his cousin, this scene seemingly serves no purpose except to reaffirm that the army is being led by a woman. They come across the ruins of the village where Darphus got his kill on and are all deeply affected, as killing women and children is so much worse than just killing men. Hercules swears by his mother, so you can tell he is serious.
Cut to a scene in a cave where Salmoneus gets a woman to look after the baby Xena rescued. Xena seems angry and embarrassed over her decision to save the child, probably because she still views emotions beside hatred and anger as weakness. Salmoneus tries to warn Xena about Darphus' treacherous intentions, but of course Xena is overconfident and doesn't listen, setting herself up for the big fall.
Cut to Hercules and his cousin burying the dead, Hercules swears to take Xena down, which he will, but uh, not in the way he meant.
Xena confronts Darphus but it's too late, he announces that he's taking over her army and makes Xena strip to her rather boring underwear and go through The Gauntlet, which is apparently just her army whacking her with nerfbats. Salmoneus shows concern the Xena might not survive, but is this because he likes the Warrior Princess, or because he knows that with her dead, his odds of survival are as good as Callisto's parents in a flashback? Incidentally those are some amazing earrings Xena has on.
Anyway, with the accompaniment of some lovely, but inexplicably Hungarian, chanting Xena makes it through The Gauntlet. Darphus wants to kill her anyway, thus demonstrating his lack of honour, as if we didn't know already by the fact he has a facial scar and is ugly. Xena spits defiance at Darphus which is kind of gross but feisty. The fact that Xena is practically nice when compared to Darphus makes it easier for the audience to sympathise with her, also she isn't using those womanly whiles on everyone in sight.
Hercules and his cousin are wondering around doing something when his cousin gets shot by an arrow. This is pretty much the only reason Iloron is in the episode, to take the arrow, otherwise he's a basically a stand in for Iolaus who couldn't be used because of his prior history with the Warrior Princess. Here we discover that it is Spiros who shot the arrow and serves to show how easily a good man can be eaten up by hatred, a theme that will later run and run in the show. He has mistakenly assumed that Hercules and his cousin were looting the village instead of burying them, which is pretty stupid assumption if you ask me. We learn that Spiros lost his wife and child in the massacre and smart folks will remember the baby and say "Aha!" Hercules bandages up his cousin, fortunately it was a plot sensitive wound and will heal instantly, never to be mentioned again.
Cut to the cave where Xena, battered and bruised, but still wearing amazing earrings, doesn't want any help. The woman looking after the baby tells Xena that the scout Hercules beat up earlier had come to warn Xena that Hercules was coming. Guess that scene did have a purpose after all!
Cut to Salmoneus hanging upside down, which seems to happen to him a lot. Hercules finds him and they talk about going after Xena after some pointless comic relief banter and Call Backs to earlier Hercules episodes that I don't care about because Xena wasn't in them and no that centaur girlfriend character Lucy Lawless also played doesn't count, neither does the Amazon role she had in the first movie.
Cut to Darphus learning that Hercules is near, he displays typical Villain arrogance and over confidence by assuming that his army can easily crush Hercules. If it were that easy, people would have done it already, not to mention that Darphus' army couldn't even beat one unarmed Warrior Princess to death. If Hera and Ares can't kill Herc, why does this guy think he stands a chance?
Cut back to Hercules where Salmoneus is trying to convince him that Xena is not all bad. Xena, wearing her really really tacky gold backup armour, appears with a knife at Spiros' throat, which doesn't really help Salmoneus' argument, and Hercules accuses her of being a baby killer. This makes Xena upset because she feels like Darphus' massacre is her fault. Xena says she wants to kill Hercules to get her army back, which is the weirdest logic ever, why would you want to go back to the people who almost beat you to death anyway?
Xena and Hercules fight and Hercules beats her, he confuses her by refusing to kill her and she limps away. Spiros calls her a coward as she leaves. Hercules and co. ambush Darphus' men and steal their horses. Darphus gets all angry and orders his men to attack Iloron's mother's village because that's where Hercules is hiding.
Cut to the village where Hercules is confirming that all the women and children have been evacuated. You'd have thought the women would have been enlisted to fight too, since no mention of the men's fighting ability is made. Does it really matter what genitalia you have if you are a farmer and don't even know how to hold one of those swordy things? (Stay away from the pointy end, Gaby suggests.)
Darphus' army attacks and Spiros spies his wife's bracelet on a soldier's arm. He takes his revenge, thus breaking whatever moral his story might have had about not letting desire for revenge consume one's soul, or whatever. Xena joins the fight and kills Darphus, conveniently allowing Hercules to win without getting blood on his hands, again. With Darphus dead the army scatters.
Hercules thanks Xena for coming back and she gives some bullshit excuse about Darphus not being a "true warrior". Whatever sister, we know you came back because you're trying to get your own spinoff. Don't worry, we understand.
Salmoneus has told Spiros all about the baby that Xena saved and its is revealed that the baby is Spiros' son. Who didn't see that one coming, huh? Xena gets into a minor grandstanding contest with Spiros for no particular reason and Hercules gives her a Time Out. She rolls her eyes at the authority figure ruining her fun and tells Spiros to take his son.
Hercules takes a cheap crack at Salmoneus which is kind of mean actually, not everyone can be a bronzed demi-god you know. And Iloron buggers off back home, promising that he won't wait five years to see Hercules again, which is a big lie because we will never see that character again. Oh well.
Xena suggests that she and travel onwards together for a while and Hercules agrees, instead of being suspicious of her womanly whiles. Apparently killing your former Lieutenant and rescuing one baby makes you instantly good and strips you of ulterior motives, even if you were killing people for no reason other than you felt like it yesterday.
However, instead of lingering on this happy note, the episode ends with a sequel hook where Darphus is resurrected by an emissary of Ares. Xena's only been gone five minutes and already Ares is trying to win her back, despite the fact he didn't do anything to stop Darphus from kicking her out of the army in the first place. Gods be lazy, taking the Warrior Princess for granted.
Darphus does a big evil laugh and the credits roll.
The Gauntlet
Xena said she would be back, and she's true to her word! We open with a scene where Xena and her new Evil Lieutenant Darphus are discussing doing something evil. This conversation establishes Xena as a Bad Girl again, but not as Bad as Darphus who wants to slaughter everyone, while Xena has a thing for not killing women and children. Anyway some bad shit is going down and Xena is the one doing it, mostly.
Cut to Hercules eating dinner and making a bad joke about Epicureanism that probably went over Kevin Sorbo's head. He is soon joined by Homer Young Iolaus Hercules' cousin Iloron who we have never heard of before and will never see again after this episode but we are told they have a loving relationship despite having not seen each other for five years. Iloron tells Hercules that some bad shit is going down and Hercules agrees to help.
Cut to Xena attacking a village further establishing her as a Bad Girl, in case we didn't watch The Warrior Princess or the Teaser to this episode.
Roll Titles.
Xena's warriors find Salmoneus dressed as a woman, possibly foreshadowing the Some Like It Hot homage episode of Hercules, but probably not. Xena spares him because he says he knows Hercules and because she finds him amusing, possibly hinting that she's not as a bad as she seems.
Hercules and his cousin find the wreckage Xena's army left behind and Hercules discovers that the army is led by a woman. Instead of telling Iloron what he knows, he broods about it for no apparent reason.
Cut to a scene that fulfils no purpose except to give Robert Trebor some screen time doing something silly. Why is he even in this episode? Oh wait, it's because Joxer won't be around for another twenty something episodes. Forget I asked.
Cut to a scene of Hercules and his cousin announcing that they are being followed.
Cut to a scene of Xena and Darphus discussing where to attack next. This scene establishes Darphus as really bad and Xena as having her own kind of moral code, whacked as it is. Xena decides to go north with her scouts which conviently leaves Darphus alone to do bad things while absolving Xena of most of the guilt.
With Xena gone Darphus (surprise!) decides to attack a village without waiting for her orders. He orders that everyone, including the woman and children, are too be killed, much to Salmoneus' horror. They attack the village and Xena returns to see the remains. She is, understandably, pissed, and in defiance of Darphus' murderous ways she decides to rescue the baby she found in the wreckage. When we compare this with her Wanton Cruelty To Horses in the previous Xena episode, we can see that Xena has changed a bit. As Gabrielle would later put it, the seed of goodness has taken root in Xena's lovely, but dangerous, bosom.
Hercules ambushes the man who was following him and his cousin, this scene seemingly serves no purpose except to reaffirm that the army is being led by a woman. They come across the ruins of the village where Darphus got his kill on and are all deeply affected, as killing women and children is so much worse than just killing men. Hercules swears by his mother, so you can tell he is serious.
Cut to a scene in a cave where Salmoneus gets a woman to look after the baby Xena rescued. Xena seems angry and embarrassed over her decision to save the child, probably because she still views emotions beside hatred and anger as weakness. Salmoneus tries to warn Xena about Darphus' treacherous intentions, but of course Xena is overconfident and doesn't listen, setting herself up for the big fall.
Cut to Hercules and his cousin burying the dead, Hercules swears to take Xena down, which he will, but uh, not in the way he meant.
Xena confronts Darphus but it's too late, he announces that he's taking over her army and makes Xena strip to her rather boring underwear and go through The Gauntlet, which is apparently just her army whacking her with nerfbats. Salmoneus shows concern the Xena might not survive, but is this because he likes the Warrior Princess, or because he knows that with her dead, his odds of survival are as good as Callisto's parents in a flashback? Incidentally those are some amazing earrings Xena has on.
Anyway, with the accompaniment of some lovely, but inexplicably Hungarian, chanting Xena makes it through The Gauntlet. Darphus wants to kill her anyway, thus demonstrating his lack of honour, as if we didn't know already by the fact he has a facial scar and is ugly. Xena spits defiance at Darphus which is kind of gross but feisty. The fact that Xena is practically nice when compared to Darphus makes it easier for the audience to sympathise with her, also she isn't using those womanly whiles on everyone in sight.
Hercules and his cousin are wondering around doing something when his cousin gets shot by an arrow. This is pretty much the only reason Iloron is in the episode, to take the arrow, otherwise he's a basically a stand in for Iolaus who couldn't be used because of his prior history with the Warrior Princess. Here we discover that it is Spiros who shot the arrow and serves to show how easily a good man can be eaten up by hatred, a theme that will later run and run in the show. He has mistakenly assumed that Hercules and his cousin were looting the village instead of burying them, which is pretty stupid assumption if you ask me. We learn that Spiros lost his wife and child in the massacre and smart folks will remember the baby and say "Aha!" Hercules bandages up his cousin, fortunately it was a plot sensitive wound and will heal instantly, never to be mentioned again.
Cut to the cave where Xena, battered and bruised, but still wearing amazing earrings, doesn't want any help. The woman looking after the baby tells Xena that the scout Hercules beat up earlier had come to warn Xena that Hercules was coming. Guess that scene did have a purpose after all!
Cut to Salmoneus hanging upside down, which seems to happen to him a lot. Hercules finds him and they talk about going after Xena after some pointless comic relief banter and Call Backs to earlier Hercules episodes that I don't care about because Xena wasn't in them and no that centaur girlfriend character Lucy Lawless also played doesn't count, neither does the Amazon role she had in the first movie.
Cut to Darphus learning that Hercules is near, he displays typical Villain arrogance and over confidence by assuming that his army can easily crush Hercules. If it were that easy, people would have done it already, not to mention that Darphus' army couldn't even beat one unarmed Warrior Princess to death. If Hera and Ares can't kill Herc, why does this guy think he stands a chance?
Cut back to Hercules where Salmoneus is trying to convince him that Xena is not all bad. Xena, wearing her really really tacky gold backup armour, appears with a knife at Spiros' throat, which doesn't really help Salmoneus' argument, and Hercules accuses her of being a baby killer. This makes Xena upset because she feels like Darphus' massacre is her fault. Xena says she wants to kill Hercules to get her army back, which is the weirdest logic ever, why would you want to go back to the people who almost beat you to death anyway?
Xena and Hercules fight and Hercules beats her, he confuses her by refusing to kill her and she limps away. Spiros calls her a coward as she leaves. Hercules and co. ambush Darphus' men and steal their horses. Darphus gets all angry and orders his men to attack Iloron's mother's village because that's where Hercules is hiding.
Cut to the village where Hercules is confirming that all the women and children have been evacuated. You'd have thought the women would have been enlisted to fight too, since no mention of the men's fighting ability is made. Does it really matter what genitalia you have if you are a farmer and don't even know how to hold one of those swordy things? (Stay away from the pointy end, Gaby suggests.)
Darphus' army attacks and Spiros spies his wife's bracelet on a soldier's arm. He takes his revenge, thus breaking whatever moral his story might have had about not letting desire for revenge consume one's soul, or whatever. Xena joins the fight and kills Darphus, conveniently allowing Hercules to win without getting blood on his hands, again. With Darphus dead the army scatters.
Hercules thanks Xena for coming back and she gives some bullshit excuse about Darphus not being a "true warrior". Whatever sister, we know you came back because you're trying to get your own spinoff. Don't worry, we understand.
Salmoneus has told Spiros all about the baby that Xena saved and its is revealed that the baby is Spiros' son. Who didn't see that one coming, huh? Xena gets into a minor grandstanding contest with Spiros for no particular reason and Hercules gives her a Time Out. She rolls her eyes at the authority figure ruining her fun and tells Spiros to take his son.
Hercules takes a cheap crack at Salmoneus which is kind of mean actually, not everyone can be a bronzed demi-god you know. And Iloron buggers off back home, promising that he won't wait five years to see Hercules again, which is a big lie because we will never see that character again. Oh well.
Xena suggests that she and travel onwards together for a while and Hercules agrees, instead of being suspicious of her womanly whiles. Apparently killing your former Lieutenant and rescuing one baby makes you instantly good and strips you of ulterior motives, even if you were killing people for no reason other than you felt like it yesterday.
However, instead of lingering on this happy note, the episode ends with a sequel hook where Darphus is resurrected by an emissary of Ares. Xena's only been gone five minutes and already Ares is trying to win her back, despite the fact he didn't do anything to stop Darphus from kicking her out of the army in the first place. Gods be lazy, taking the Warrior Princess for granted.
Darphus does a big evil laugh and the credits roll.