Xena: A Retrospective
Unchained Heart
This episode opens with an ass and we're not taking about Kevin Sorbo or even any of his body parts: It's a donkey and it's being stubborn, animal stereotypes at their finest. This scene is some typical pastoral idyll to lull us into a fake sense of security, this narrative device hasn't worked in years and only sets off the viewer's spider sense than some bad shit is about to go down. And of course, in accordance with narrative law Darphus' army is happy to slaughter the crap out of everyone except one guy who is left to tell the story to Herc and Xena. Oh and Darphus is undead now, neat.
Cut to Salmoneus having some banter with Herc and Xena about biography rights. The surviving villager from the previous scenes shows up and spills the beans. Xena insists that it can't be Darphus because he's dead while Hercules immediately assumes (correctly) that the gods are involved. Because this is more likely than Darphus having invented modern medicine in the time it takes to die from a chest wound, everyone assumes that Hercules is right. Xena and Hercules are determined to stop Darphus for good this time and Salmoneus, who never learns, is along for the ride and possibly the merchandising rights.
Cut to a temple entrance where Darphus throws a poor innocent person in the temple to be omn nom nomed by a Monster In The Darkness that we don't get to see yet because the effect budget isn't very high in this first season. Darphus smiles evilly as the man is devoured.
Roll titles.
Well a bad guy is back from the dead with the help of a God and is feeding people to an unnamed beast deep within a hidden temple, now seems like a great time to stop for a picnic. Here we have our first crack against Xena's lack of cooking skills, which is something thing that Gabrielle will later do to many fans delight. Xena goes off to scout about a bit, Salmoneus goes to make squeaky noises at a bush, which is apparently how one hunts quail, while Hercules pokes the fire with a stick and thinks deep thoughts.
While Salmoneus is off making squeaky noises, he is accosted by Iolaus, who sits on top of him. Strangely you never hear people clamouring for this ship, I wonder why this is? Salmoneus says that he knows Hercules and Iolaus does this whole pretending-not-to-know-Hercules-when-actually-he-totally-does thing which, again, is kind of mean towards Salmoneus. Just because he's a comic relief character, it doesn't mean he has to be everyone's butt monkey (No one tell Joxer that though, k?).
Anyway after the stupid bromance hugging stuff is over, Iolaus reveals that he heard Xena was on the prowl and he came looking for her, not realising that Xena is One Of The Good Guys now. Hercules puts off telling Iolaus the truth for no particular reason except to artificially create a bit of tension. Salmoneus goes back to making squeaky noises, in the hope of actually getting some dinner.
Cut to a scene where Darphus' guys are raiding some barn and Xena gets all angry at them. She gets her rage on at them and lets one guy escape to tell Darphus that she's coming for him.
Cut to Darphus being told by the one survivor that Xena is coming for him, which he already knew because he sent that guy to get her and Hercules earlier. The survivor gets fed to the monster, which we now know is called Graegus. Googlefu tells me this is not a monster from mythology and is something they just made up for the hell of it, whatever.
Cut back to the campfire and it turns out that Salmoneus actually caught some quail, he sure did better than that time Gabrielle tries to get a rabbit. Hercules tries to tell Iolaus about Xena, when she ruins it by showing up before he can finish his sentence. Iolaus flips out and runs off while Xena tries to explain and tell Hercules about Darphus' warriors.
Hercules follows Iolaus and they have an argument about Xena's motives. Iolaus implies that Xena is trying to seduce Hercules, which Hercules gets all defensive about. Iolaus still doesn't trust Xena, but for the love he has for Herc, he promises to try to get along with her. This apparent involves Iolaus acting like a sullen teenager and hanging at the back of the group while Salmoneus has some silly banter with Xena, who has gone from threatening to kill him to laughing at his jokes.
Hercules says that this is the perfect place for an ambush, so naturally they get ambushed. Maybe Herc should have kept his mouth shut. They get covered with rocks and naturally Hercules is left holding up the ceiling. Salmoneus has a panic attack, poor guy.
Cut to Darphus who instead of actually checking to see if a guy who is half god can survive having polystyrene rocks dropped on his head is assuming that he died and is celebrating his death. Smart bad guy that one.
Cut back to the rock fall where Salmoneus continues to have a panic attack that almost gets everyone killed. They manage to get out of danger and Xena says that was the bravest thing she's ever seen, if you look closely you can see the love hearts in her eyes. Run, Hercules, run! Salmoneus is upset that he was scared and walks off because he thinks he is a coward. Iolaus has a cut on his head and brushes off Xena's offer to bandage it. Jerk.
Cut to a campfire scene where Iolaus goes off to "scout", conveniently leaving Hercules alone with the rampant she-wolf, uh, I mean, Xena. Xena does her whole "I'll never be as good as you" routine but Hercules says there is goodness in her heart. I bet he says that to all the Warrior Princesses struggling with their Dark Sides.
Cut to Darphus planning to attack a diamond mine and feed the miners to his evil doggy. Question: If you kill all the miners who's going to get the diamonds out of the mine? You? Your men? Ares? Aphrodite? Never mind.
Cut to the diamond mine where the miners are being all arrogant and disbelieving that anyone would want to hurt them or their diamonds. Darphus' men conveniently attack right then and Hercules and Iolaus fight them off until they retreat. Xena saves Iolaus' life, which makes him all confused. Darphus gets stabbed in the heart but he shows no signs of injury. Uh oh. Oh yeah and Iolaus finally notices that Salmoneus has vanished. Uh oh.
Cut to Hercules reading Salmoneus' journal, where he has been writing steamy Xena/Hercules fanfic. Hercules pretends to be incredulous but you can tell he is totally into it. Iolaus and Xena have a bonding moment and Iolaus assures Xena that he doesn't hate her anymore. Hercules sees them together and is insufferably smug. He says that he found Salmoneus' footprints heading towards the big bad. Isn't Iolaus the one who does the hunter things? Never mind, I guess Hercules could have picked it up from him.
Cut to Darphus being all evil and angry because Hercules is still alive. This scene serves no purpose except to remind us that the big bad has an evil Ares puppy, you know, in case we forgot.
Cut to Hercules, Iolaus and Xena finding some wagon tracks heading towards the big bad.
Cut to Salmoneus getting a ride with a blind wagon driver. Uh oh.
Cut to Hercules, Iolaus and Xena making camp, there's another crack about Xena's lack of cooking skills and Iolaus goes off to "scout" again, conveniently leaving Hercules and Xena alone.
Cut back to Salmoneus and the blind wagon driver. They have some silly comic banter about going to the wrong place and they discover that they've gone right into the middle of Darphus' army. Oopsie.
Cut back to Hercules and Xena where Xena is using her whiles on Hercules:
Xena: "I'm feeling kind of evil again."
Hercules: "Is there anything I could do to help?"
Xena: "I think some demi-god penis might convince me to stay good."
Hercules: "You don't say..."
Xena: "Roooooll! Roooll! Rooooll in ze hay!"
Hercules: *plays nose flute*
Cut to Iolaus who sees Salmoneus eating with Darphus and thinks he's a traitor, Iolaus seems to think everyone is evil in this episode. Anyway, Darphus is feeding Salmoneus meat so that he will be a big meal for the hell puppy, which howls so that Iolaus recognises it.
Cut back to post-coital Hercules and Xena touching each other's thighs. Iolaus pops back makes a crumple face when he realises that they have been doing things without him. He tells Hercules about Salmoneus being there and Hercules shoots down his traitor theory because hey, Salmoneus is the comic relief guy.
Then comes the really silly part: Iolaus knows that Darphus has Graegus because recognises the howl. But the only other time Graegus has appeared was in Hercules In The Underworld which Iolaus didn't feature in (Michael Hurst did though, he died in the opening scene while wearing a black wig), so how does he know it's Graegus? Oh well never mind. Anyway Hercules plans to defeat evil with evil, which is silly.
Cut back to Darphus being mean to Salmoneus. Hey that's Hercules' job! Anyway this scene establishes that Darphus really wants to fed Salmoneus to Graegus, which was kind of obvious
Cut to Hercules, Iolaus and Xena taking out Darphus' scouts with witty banter that isn't very witty.
Darphus gets all angry with Salmoneus who panics and tries to sing Darphus a theme song. Where's Joxer? Oh right, wrong show. Anyway he tosses Salmoneus into the temple.
Hercules, Xena and Iolaus attack Darphus' army with some diversion with a burning wagon, only Iolaus couldn't get it to burn. Hercules goes to rescue Salmoneus while Iolaus and Xena manoeuvre Darphus into place. They manage to set things up so that Graegus eats Darphus which apparently kills them both. Yay!
Cut to happy Salmoneus getting his journal back and going home to write more Hercules/Xena fanfic. Iolaus says he wants to go home too, but Hercules needs to say bye to Xena:
Hercules: "You're leaving."
Xena: "You're going to make this tougher on me than it already is, aren't you?"
Hercules: "It doesn't have to be that way."
Xena: "I'm sorry, I can't be happy just being a regular character in your show, I want my own plots, my own love interests, my own show!"
Hercules: "I wish I could help... with my penis."
Xena: "Okay, I'll let you and Iolaus show up a couple of times in my own show, but after then I'm going to be more interested in girls."
Hercules: "...."
Iolaus: "You all right?"
Hercules: "Yeah, I think so, at least... the good guys won."
Roll Credits.
Missed an episode? Here's the index!
This episode opens with an ass and we're not taking about Kevin Sorbo or even any of his body parts: It's a donkey and it's being stubborn, animal stereotypes at their finest. This scene is some typical pastoral idyll to lull us into a fake sense of security, this narrative device hasn't worked in years and only sets off the viewer's spider sense than some bad shit is about to go down. And of course, in accordance with narrative law Darphus' army is happy to slaughter the crap out of everyone except one guy who is left to tell the story to Herc and Xena. Oh and Darphus is undead now, neat.
Cut to Salmoneus having some banter with Herc and Xena about biography rights. The surviving villager from the previous scenes shows up and spills the beans. Xena insists that it can't be Darphus because he's dead while Hercules immediately assumes (correctly) that the gods are involved. Because this is more likely than Darphus having invented modern medicine in the time it takes to die from a chest wound, everyone assumes that Hercules is right. Xena and Hercules are determined to stop Darphus for good this time and Salmoneus, who never learns, is along for the ride and possibly the merchandising rights.
Cut to a temple entrance where Darphus throws a poor innocent person in the temple to be omn nom nomed by a Monster In The Darkness that we don't get to see yet because the effect budget isn't very high in this first season. Darphus smiles evilly as the man is devoured.
Roll titles.
Well a bad guy is back from the dead with the help of a God and is feeding people to an unnamed beast deep within a hidden temple, now seems like a great time to stop for a picnic. Here we have our first crack against Xena's lack of cooking skills, which is something thing that Gabrielle will later do to many fans delight. Xena goes off to scout about a bit, Salmoneus goes to make squeaky noises at a bush, which is apparently how one hunts quail, while Hercules pokes the fire with a stick and thinks deep thoughts.
While Salmoneus is off making squeaky noises, he is accosted by Iolaus, who sits on top of him. Strangely you never hear people clamouring for this ship, I wonder why this is? Salmoneus says that he knows Hercules and Iolaus does this whole pretending-not-to-know-Hercules-when-actually-he-totally-does thing which, again, is kind of mean towards Salmoneus. Just because he's a comic relief character, it doesn't mean he has to be everyone's butt monkey (No one tell Joxer that though, k?).
Anyway after the stupid bromance hugging stuff is over, Iolaus reveals that he heard Xena was on the prowl and he came looking for her, not realising that Xena is One Of The Good Guys now. Hercules puts off telling Iolaus the truth for no particular reason except to artificially create a bit of tension. Salmoneus goes back to making squeaky noises, in the hope of actually getting some dinner.
Cut to a scene where Darphus' guys are raiding some barn and Xena gets all angry at them. She gets her rage on at them and lets one guy escape to tell Darphus that she's coming for him.
Cut to Darphus being told by the one survivor that Xena is coming for him, which he already knew because he sent that guy to get her and Hercules earlier. The survivor gets fed to the monster, which we now know is called Graegus. Googlefu tells me this is not a monster from mythology and is something they just made up for the hell of it, whatever.
Cut back to the campfire and it turns out that Salmoneus actually caught some quail, he sure did better than that time Gabrielle tries to get a rabbit. Hercules tries to tell Iolaus about Xena, when she ruins it by showing up before he can finish his sentence. Iolaus flips out and runs off while Xena tries to explain and tell Hercules about Darphus' warriors.
Hercules follows Iolaus and they have an argument about Xena's motives. Iolaus implies that Xena is trying to seduce Hercules, which Hercules gets all defensive about. Iolaus still doesn't trust Xena, but for the love he has for Herc, he promises to try to get along with her. This apparent involves Iolaus acting like a sullen teenager and hanging at the back of the group while Salmoneus has some silly banter with Xena, who has gone from threatening to kill him to laughing at his jokes.
Hercules says that this is the perfect place for an ambush, so naturally they get ambushed. Maybe Herc should have kept his mouth shut. They get covered with rocks and naturally Hercules is left holding up the ceiling. Salmoneus has a panic attack, poor guy.
Cut to Darphus who instead of actually checking to see if a guy who is half god can survive having polystyrene rocks dropped on his head is assuming that he died and is celebrating his death. Smart bad guy that one.
Cut back to the rock fall where Salmoneus continues to have a panic attack that almost gets everyone killed. They manage to get out of danger and Xena says that was the bravest thing she's ever seen, if you look closely you can see the love hearts in her eyes. Run, Hercules, run! Salmoneus is upset that he was scared and walks off because he thinks he is a coward. Iolaus has a cut on his head and brushes off Xena's offer to bandage it. Jerk.
Cut to a campfire scene where Iolaus goes off to "scout", conveniently leaving Hercules alone with the rampant she-wolf, uh, I mean, Xena. Xena does her whole "I'll never be as good as you" routine but Hercules says there is goodness in her heart. I bet he says that to all the Warrior Princesses struggling with their Dark Sides.
Cut to Darphus planning to attack a diamond mine and feed the miners to his evil doggy. Question: If you kill all the miners who's going to get the diamonds out of the mine? You? Your men? Ares? Aphrodite? Never mind.
Cut to the diamond mine where the miners are being all arrogant and disbelieving that anyone would want to hurt them or their diamonds. Darphus' men conveniently attack right then and Hercules and Iolaus fight them off until they retreat. Xena saves Iolaus' life, which makes him all confused. Darphus gets stabbed in the heart but he shows no signs of injury. Uh oh. Oh yeah and Iolaus finally notices that Salmoneus has vanished. Uh oh.
Cut to Hercules reading Salmoneus' journal, where he has been writing steamy Xena/Hercules fanfic. Hercules pretends to be incredulous but you can tell he is totally into it. Iolaus and Xena have a bonding moment and Iolaus assures Xena that he doesn't hate her anymore. Hercules sees them together and is insufferably smug. He says that he found Salmoneus' footprints heading towards the big bad. Isn't Iolaus the one who does the hunter things? Never mind, I guess Hercules could have picked it up from him.
Cut to Darphus being all evil and angry because Hercules is still alive. This scene serves no purpose except to remind us that the big bad has an evil Ares puppy, you know, in case we forgot.
Cut to Hercules, Iolaus and Xena finding some wagon tracks heading towards the big bad.
Cut to Salmoneus getting a ride with a blind wagon driver. Uh oh.
Cut to Hercules, Iolaus and Xena making camp, there's another crack about Xena's lack of cooking skills and Iolaus goes off to "scout" again, conveniently leaving Hercules and Xena alone.
Cut back to Salmoneus and the blind wagon driver. They have some silly comic banter about going to the wrong place and they discover that they've gone right into the middle of Darphus' army. Oopsie.
Cut back to Hercules and Xena where Xena is using her whiles on Hercules:
Xena: "I'm feeling kind of evil again."
Hercules: "Is there anything I could do to help?"
Xena: "I think some demi-god penis might convince me to stay good."
Hercules: "You don't say..."
Xena: "Roooooll! Roooll! Rooooll in ze hay!"
Hercules: *plays nose flute*
Cut to Iolaus who sees Salmoneus eating with Darphus and thinks he's a traitor, Iolaus seems to think everyone is evil in this episode. Anyway, Darphus is feeding Salmoneus meat so that he will be a big meal for the hell puppy, which howls so that Iolaus recognises it.
Cut back to post-coital Hercules and Xena touching each other's thighs. Iolaus pops back makes a crumple face when he realises that they have been doing things without him. He tells Hercules about Salmoneus being there and Hercules shoots down his traitor theory because hey, Salmoneus is the comic relief guy.
Then comes the really silly part: Iolaus knows that Darphus has Graegus because recognises the howl. But the only other time Graegus has appeared was in Hercules In The Underworld which Iolaus didn't feature in (Michael Hurst did though, he died in the opening scene while wearing a black wig), so how does he know it's Graegus? Oh well never mind. Anyway Hercules plans to defeat evil with evil, which is silly.
Cut back to Darphus being mean to Salmoneus. Hey that's Hercules' job! Anyway this scene establishes that Darphus really wants to fed Salmoneus to Graegus, which was kind of obvious
Cut to Hercules, Iolaus and Xena taking out Darphus' scouts with witty banter that isn't very witty.
Darphus gets all angry with Salmoneus who panics and tries to sing Darphus a theme song. Where's Joxer? Oh right, wrong show. Anyway he tosses Salmoneus into the temple.
Hercules, Xena and Iolaus attack Darphus' army with some diversion with a burning wagon, only Iolaus couldn't get it to burn. Hercules goes to rescue Salmoneus while Iolaus and Xena manoeuvre Darphus into place. They manage to set things up so that Graegus eats Darphus which apparently kills them both. Yay!
Cut to happy Salmoneus getting his journal back and going home to write more Hercules/Xena fanfic. Iolaus says he wants to go home too, but Hercules needs to say bye to Xena:
Hercules: "You're leaving."
Xena: "You're going to make this tougher on me than it already is, aren't you?"
Hercules: "It doesn't have to be that way."
Xena: "I'm sorry, I can't be happy just being a regular character in your show, I want my own plots, my own love interests, my own show!"
Hercules: "I wish I could help... with my penis."
Xena: "Okay, I'll let you and Iolaus show up a couple of times in my own show, but after then I'm going to be more interested in girls."
Hercules: "...."
Iolaus: "You all right?"
Hercules: "Yeah, I think so, at least... the good guys won."
Roll Credits.
Missed an episode? Here's the index!