A Tangled Knot
Blargle.
I'm stressed. Very stressed. Which leads to all sorts of other problems, like frustration and self-loathing, which lead back to more stress. My mind just can't keep up with all of it, and so I end up becoming irritable and upset... which stresses me more because I hate being like that.
Physics is one of these stresses. Going back through the "textbook" I realize that I haven't understood much if anything since Chapter 3. Going to class certainly isn't helping me, since I have no clue what is going on there either. I'd be getting zeros on all my homework (like this recent one) if I hadn't been working on the homeworks with Scott and Sean, who can explain what is going on to me, so that I can get a bit accomplished and feel like I know something, at least. This, however, is not going to work for the final exam, where I will be screwed beyond all possible belief. Sigh.
Another big, big stress is the future. Plenty to talk about regarding the future - what to do, where to go, how things are planned to happen.
But the major event is Graduate School. Specifically where to go, and how to apply. Me and Josh aren't quite sure where we want to end up at, and so knowing which grad school to go to is a perplexing process. Not to mention the whole application process, which is actually the greater of my stresses. I know I'm going to at least apply here at Madison, and one of the major things I need which I don't have is recommendation letters. I honestly don't really *know* anyone (who is a professor) here, so I'm very unsure of who to ask to get one. I'd go and ask Carlsmith, since I'm taking a hard class of his... but I'm also doing the worst out of everyone in that class, so I don't know why he'd even want to give me a recommendation. Maybe if I promise to stay out of physics.... sigh. So I have to get this done somehow, and sometime very very soon as well. Applications are due the first of next month, and I basically have nothing done yet. Sigh.
I'm also very conflicted in some other areas, which leads me to stupid things like jealousy. Grr. I have too many regrets and wishes about myself, I spend too much time on my flaws. Mmrmph.
Another weird problem I am having is that I have problems getting things out of my mind. Knowing what to say, how to say it, and so forth. All this stress makes thinking hard. The best explanation off what I am feeling is that it feels like there is a huge knot sitting in my head. When I try to pull out knowledge or thoughts on a topic, it just gets tighter, my head starts to hurt, and I just can't. I can stop, try to relax, and give it a go again, but that doesn't help for continuous thinking problems... like trying to do physics. Even Josh asking "What do you think on [this topic]?" can put my head in knots. It's as if I know what to say, or know what I'd like to say... without actually getting any words to say it with. It makes me frustrated, which makes me stressed, which reinforces my headaches.
I also feel like I'm getting back into the "depressive mood." I hate it. Maybe I have SAD, maybe it's just the end of the semester catching up with me and putting me down. Regardless, I just tend to look at things in a worse light lately, and it's not helping my situation.
I don't know what to do, I guess I'm just going to have to "ride it out"... which doesn't actually get anything done, which puts me in a worse situation. Hurray.
I'm stressed. Very stressed. Which leads to all sorts of other problems, like frustration and self-loathing, which lead back to more stress. My mind just can't keep up with all of it, and so I end up becoming irritable and upset... which stresses me more because I hate being like that.
Physics is one of these stresses. Going back through the "textbook" I realize that I haven't understood much if anything since Chapter 3. Going to class certainly isn't helping me, since I have no clue what is going on there either. I'd be getting zeros on all my homework (like this recent one) if I hadn't been working on the homeworks with Scott and Sean, who can explain what is going on to me, so that I can get a bit accomplished and feel like I know something, at least. This, however, is not going to work for the final exam, where I will be screwed beyond all possible belief. Sigh.
Another big, big stress is the future. Plenty to talk about regarding the future - what to do, where to go, how things are planned to happen.
But the major event is Graduate School. Specifically where to go, and how to apply. Me and Josh aren't quite sure where we want to end up at, and so knowing which grad school to go to is a perplexing process. Not to mention the whole application process, which is actually the greater of my stresses. I know I'm going to at least apply here at Madison, and one of the major things I need which I don't have is recommendation letters. I honestly don't really *know* anyone (who is a professor) here, so I'm very unsure of who to ask to get one. I'd go and ask Carlsmith, since I'm taking a hard class of his... but I'm also doing the worst out of everyone in that class, so I don't know why he'd even want to give me a recommendation. Maybe if I promise to stay out of physics.... sigh. So I have to get this done somehow, and sometime very very soon as well. Applications are due the first of next month, and I basically have nothing done yet. Sigh.
I'm also very conflicted in some other areas, which leads me to stupid things like jealousy. Grr. I have too many regrets and wishes about myself, I spend too much time on my flaws. Mmrmph.
Another weird problem I am having is that I have problems getting things out of my mind. Knowing what to say, how to say it, and so forth. All this stress makes thinking hard. The best explanation off what I am feeling is that it feels like there is a huge knot sitting in my head. When I try to pull out knowledge or thoughts on a topic, it just gets tighter, my head starts to hurt, and I just can't. I can stop, try to relax, and give it a go again, but that doesn't help for continuous thinking problems... like trying to do physics. Even Josh asking "What do you think on [this topic]?" can put my head in knots. It's as if I know what to say, or know what I'd like to say... without actually getting any words to say it with. It makes me frustrated, which makes me stressed, which reinforces my headaches.
I also feel like I'm getting back into the "depressive mood." I hate it. Maybe I have SAD, maybe it's just the end of the semester catching up with me and putting me down. Regardless, I just tend to look at things in a worse light lately, and it's not helping my situation.
I don't know what to do, I guess I'm just going to have to "ride it out"... which doesn't actually get anything done, which puts me in a worse situation. Hurray.