I'm never gonna be good enough for you.
I fucking hate my mother lately.
All she ever does is yell at me. She bitches at me about how useless and STUPID I am, and about fucking everything. I don't get something for her like yesterday and she's bitching. I get something for her she didn't want when I thought she did, she bitches at me.
Saturday she was basically telling me I can't go to the college I want to go to because it's just a little farther away than UNO, which is where she wants me to go. She wants me to live from home; I'm sorry but with the way this past week or so has been, I REALLY don't want to live here anymore. I'm NOT going to fucking settle on going to UNO. I want to go to Doane; she can't understand that though because she believes I'm ALWAYS going to be RIGHT the fuck here to help her with whatever. Well, when I have buckets of college work to do, I can't be fucking running around like a chicken with my head off to get shit for her. Yeah sure I'll feel a little bad that she'll be on her own but FUCK, college is coming up, I'm starting my fucking LIFE. i actually KNOW what college i want to go to; shouldn't she be fucking happy? I guess not.
And last night after I shut down my computer she bitched at me MORE. I was on a little later than she likes me to be, because I was finishing up my essay and my project for english that's due TODAY, and she was like "I don't care if you're working on homework, your computer is to be shut off BEFORE 10 pm."
LIKE FUCK OFF. It's MY computer, and I WAS DOING HOMEWORK.
FUCKING SUE ME.
If I DO end up living here for college, and going to UNO or some shit, she better not fucking think she can run the time I spend on MY computer. If I hear from her "shut that thing down NOW" from her when I'm in college I swear the yelling isn't going to fuckinig stay in my head anymore.
I'm reaching the end of my tolerance at this point. I fucking can't deal with ehr constantly breathing down my neck and bitching at me over literally fucking everything. I can't. It's bullshit, I haven't done anything, and I can't underxtand how she can go from one day telling people that I'm "a godsend" or that she "wouldn't be here without tracey" to bitching at me ALL the time like "WHY CAN'T YOU DO SHIT RIGHT" or "SHUT THAT PIECE OF SHIT DOWN NOW I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR HOMEWORK OR YOUR GRADES LAWLS FUCK YOUR FUTURE" the next.
I'm just so fucking fed up with her and i"m seriously only typing this journal entry so i'm preoccupied until I have to leave for school. Otherwise I'd probably be up in my room digging out one of my pocketknives because SERIOUSLY she's fucking wearing me thin. and with how I've been this whole year, it doesn't take fucking much to push me over the edge; i'm surprised i've held on this long not yelling at her or fucking cutting until i stain my carpet.
I probably sound like i'm blowing up over nothing. Or that i'm an ungrateful little bitch. "your mom has cancer, you should be nicer D:"
No. fuck that. just because she's sick and has cancer doesn't mean she has to treat her kid like shit. I've dealt with it okay for the past 4 or 5 fucking years. they've been hell but she's never been this bad. i just can't have her yelling at me over everything. I'm going to go to college at Doane whether she likes it or not. At this point it's for my own fucking sanity because if I stay here much longer with her treating me like I"m nothing, I swear I'm going to break for good.
Think what you will of me for this. Think I'm ungrateful, think i'm stupid, think i'm weak. i don't honestly give a fuck. I just want to be happy again and not have to deal with a fucking bitch of a mother who makes me basically wish i lived at school most of the time.
Maybe if i had a concert to look forward to, or a trip to NY to visit holly, or a chance to meet david or mike dirnt or something. Maybe then i'd be okay. but right now all i have to look forward to is being yelled at over everything day in and day out. And i'm sorry but I'm sick of it. I can't deal with her bullshit anymore or else I'm really going to be a mess.
Sometimes I really think she would like me to be dead. And sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off that way too.
All she ever does is yell at me. She bitches at me about how useless and STUPID I am, and about fucking everything. I don't get something for her like yesterday and she's bitching. I get something for her she didn't want when I thought she did, she bitches at me.
Saturday she was basically telling me I can't go to the college I want to go to because it's just a little farther away than UNO, which is where she wants me to go. She wants me to live from home; I'm sorry but with the way this past week or so has been, I REALLY don't want to live here anymore. I'm NOT going to fucking settle on going to UNO. I want to go to Doane; she can't understand that though because she believes I'm ALWAYS going to be RIGHT the fuck here to help her with whatever. Well, when I have buckets of college work to do, I can't be fucking running around like a chicken with my head off to get shit for her. Yeah sure I'll feel a little bad that she'll be on her own but FUCK, college is coming up, I'm starting my fucking LIFE. i actually KNOW what college i want to go to; shouldn't she be fucking happy? I guess not.
And last night after I shut down my computer she bitched at me MORE. I was on a little later than she likes me to be, because I was finishing up my essay and my project for english that's due TODAY, and she was like "I don't care if you're working on homework, your computer is to be shut off BEFORE 10 pm."
LIKE FUCK OFF. It's MY computer, and I WAS DOING HOMEWORK.
FUCKING SUE ME.
If I DO end up living here for college, and going to UNO or some shit, she better not fucking think she can run the time I spend on MY computer. If I hear from her "shut that thing down NOW" from her when I'm in college I swear the yelling isn't going to fuckinig stay in my head anymore.
I'm reaching the end of my tolerance at this point. I fucking can't deal with ehr constantly breathing down my neck and bitching at me over literally fucking everything. I can't. It's bullshit, I haven't done anything, and I can't underxtand how she can go from one day telling people that I'm "a godsend" or that she "wouldn't be here without tracey" to bitching at me ALL the time like "WHY CAN'T YOU DO SHIT RIGHT" or "SHUT THAT PIECE OF SHIT DOWN NOW I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR HOMEWORK OR YOUR GRADES LAWLS FUCK YOUR FUTURE" the next.
I'm just so fucking fed up with her and i"m seriously only typing this journal entry so i'm preoccupied until I have to leave for school. Otherwise I'd probably be up in my room digging out one of my pocketknives because SERIOUSLY she's fucking wearing me thin. and with how I've been this whole year, it doesn't take fucking much to push me over the edge; i'm surprised i've held on this long not yelling at her or fucking cutting until i stain my carpet.
I probably sound like i'm blowing up over nothing. Or that i'm an ungrateful little bitch. "your mom has cancer, you should be nicer D:"
No. fuck that. just because she's sick and has cancer doesn't mean she has to treat her kid like shit. I've dealt with it okay for the past 4 or 5 fucking years. they've been hell but she's never been this bad. i just can't have her yelling at me over everything. I'm going to go to college at Doane whether she likes it or not. At this point it's for my own fucking sanity because if I stay here much longer with her treating me like I"m nothing, I swear I'm going to break for good.
Think what you will of me for this. Think I'm ungrateful, think i'm stupid, think i'm weak. i don't honestly give a fuck. I just want to be happy again and not have to deal with a fucking bitch of a mother who makes me basically wish i lived at school most of the time.
Maybe if i had a concert to look forward to, or a trip to NY to visit holly, or a chance to meet david or mike dirnt or something. Maybe then i'd be okay. but right now all i have to look forward to is being yelled at over everything day in and day out. And i'm sorry but I'm sick of it. I can't deal with her bullshit anymore or else I'm really going to be a mess.
Sometimes I really think she would like me to be dead. And sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off that way too.