(no subject)
So this past week...has been hell.
Last week on Tuesday, November 11, 2011, at about 4:30pm, I literally watched my mother die.
I was looking for a dictionary for my mother, and we'd been fighting because I couldn't remember for the life of me what one she was talking about; I could only find the three that were in my own room. And I yelled at her and she was yelling at me. And then I came back downstairs to look more for the dictionary. That's when my mom started coughing. Since she had lung cancer and had gunk in her lungs, we thought it was just the mucus or whatever...but then she looked in the bucket she was spitting in and asked me to come over and check if it was blood. Which of course it was, and before I could even get over to her, she started spewing blood out of her mouth and her nose and probably her ears too.
And I just...I froze .__. I didn't call 911 right away; I just stood there, staring. It was like a bad car wreck, seriously. But then I finally called 911 and they came and got her and took her to Midlands Hospital. The apartment manager where I live, Debbie, took me to the hospital, and one of our other neighbors came with us. Shortly after we got to the hospital, they told me that my mother was dead.
I cried so hard...I couldn't stop crying for most of the night either. It was so fucking terrible...I still see that night in my mind, I remember the last thing I said to her, and how pale she looked, and all the blood...there was so much blood in that bucket and on her...
._.
This past week seriously has been so exhausting. The day right after, I went to school. Need to stay sort of in the norm, right? God I had such a fucking headache though. And in my fourth hour class at 11am, I felt like I was going to pass the fuck OUT. I had to ask the teacher to let me run out and splash cold water on my face. And then the rest of last week was spent figuring out some legal stuff, since I was a ward of the state, as well as getting county assistance for the cremation of my mother, and organizing a wake for her as well. And then I had to call SO many fucking people. Right now I'm just sitting here like...has it really been over a week that I've been without my mom already? It seems like so much shorter, even though the week's been so full of DOING stuff that it should seem like months, you know?
But yeah so, my brother Michael came out so he could sign some stuff for us, since I'm only 17 so I'm underage for most things. And then we had to get in contact with my brother Justin as well. Justin...he took it pretty hard. I don't really remember how Mike's reaction was, but Justin was crying on the phone and shit and it was so sad. And Mike and Justin hadn't spoken in at least 8 years, for reasons I'm not going to go into right now because I JUST found out why. But...Mike is SO fucking sweet. He offered to give Justin some money so that he could come out to be at the service and stuff, since Justin's hours at work just got cut or something so he didn't have the money to come out. So Justin came out on Monday, got here Monday night, and then me, Debbie, Justin, MIke, and his wife Shelly went out to dinner together to catch up and stuff. I could just tell that Justin was so happy to finally be talking to his brother again. It's so beautiful. I wish I could talk to Michael as easily as Justin can; it's just so WEIRD for me. I've just really met Mike this past spring, and even then we hadn't really talked much. And now this happened...but I guess Shelly is telling him that he needs to stay in my life and that we need to talk more and stuff. I so want that. I can't even describe how much I want that. Even just from the past week, he's the sweetest man I've ever met and I just want the opportunity to know my brother. I love him so much and I never realized how much I missed him, despite not really know him. It's like the thing with my dad, in a way. I want so badly to know my dad, but I know I can never do that so I miss him a lot...okay maybe not the same thing. But still. Hahaha. And then me and Justin are definitely closer now; at the wake we sat together and we both started crying during the sermon, and the songs, and everything. We just sat together and hugged each other and there was so much crying. Mike didn't sit up next to us, which was really disappointing. \: But I guess he's just not ready for that quite yet. It kind of stung...but I still love him so much already. I can see he's going to be good for me. Him and Justin both.
Things are starting to get a little bit more normal...only a little bit though. Yesterday and Tuesday nights me and Mike and Justin and Debbie and Shelly went to my place to go through boxes of stuff; we actually got a lot done. But yeah, it's going to be a long time before things get back to normal.
I am getting some new stuff though. I have a car, thanks to a friend of Debbie's. And the La Vista police department is getting me a bass guitar for Christmas ;___; And then Saturday I think I'm getting a cell phone [[[[: Holly has dibs on being the first person to get my phone number; I'm going to text her the second I can. ;D
Tonight's one of those nights where I just....really need David, and wish I could cuddle with him and just fall asleep laying with him. I don't want or need therapy or counseling. I just need to be with David for a little while, and I need HIM to tell me I'll be all okay ._.
But since it's thanksgiving, I guess I should thank a very special person. Holly, thank you for listening to me vent about everything, and being here for me through the past week. And the flowers, those meant the entire world to me and I wish I could keep them forever. D: And don't think that because I'm saying "all I need is David," "David's the only thing that can make me happy," etc means that you aren't helping. Because you ARE. A whole hell of a lot and I appreciate it so much. I told Debbie today, "Holly's like my personal little therapist!" She really likes you and she realizes how much you mean to me and everything. :3 So thank you for being here for me and for being my best friend. I love you.<3
-Christie
Last week on Tuesday, November 11, 2011, at about 4:30pm, I literally watched my mother die.
I was looking for a dictionary for my mother, and we'd been fighting because I couldn't remember for the life of me what one she was talking about; I could only find the three that were in my own room. And I yelled at her and she was yelling at me. And then I came back downstairs to look more for the dictionary. That's when my mom started coughing. Since she had lung cancer and had gunk in her lungs, we thought it was just the mucus or whatever...but then she looked in the bucket she was spitting in and asked me to come over and check if it was blood. Which of course it was, and before I could even get over to her, she started spewing blood out of her mouth and her nose and probably her ears too.
And I just...I froze .__. I didn't call 911 right away; I just stood there, staring. It was like a bad car wreck, seriously. But then I finally called 911 and they came and got her and took her to Midlands Hospital. The apartment manager where I live, Debbie, took me to the hospital, and one of our other neighbors came with us. Shortly after we got to the hospital, they told me that my mother was dead.
I cried so hard...I couldn't stop crying for most of the night either. It was so fucking terrible...I still see that night in my mind, I remember the last thing I said to her, and how pale she looked, and all the blood...there was so much blood in that bucket and on her...
._.
This past week seriously has been so exhausting. The day right after, I went to school. Need to stay sort of in the norm, right? God I had such a fucking headache though. And in my fourth hour class at 11am, I felt like I was going to pass the fuck OUT. I had to ask the teacher to let me run out and splash cold water on my face. And then the rest of last week was spent figuring out some legal stuff, since I was a ward of the state, as well as getting county assistance for the cremation of my mother, and organizing a wake for her as well. And then I had to call SO many fucking people. Right now I'm just sitting here like...has it really been over a week that I've been without my mom already? It seems like so much shorter, even though the week's been so full of DOING stuff that it should seem like months, you know?
But yeah so, my brother Michael came out so he could sign some stuff for us, since I'm only 17 so I'm underage for most things. And then we had to get in contact with my brother Justin as well. Justin...he took it pretty hard. I don't really remember how Mike's reaction was, but Justin was crying on the phone and shit and it was so sad. And Mike and Justin hadn't spoken in at least 8 years, for reasons I'm not going to go into right now because I JUST found out why. But...Mike is SO fucking sweet. He offered to give Justin some money so that he could come out to be at the service and stuff, since Justin's hours at work just got cut or something so he didn't have the money to come out. So Justin came out on Monday, got here Monday night, and then me, Debbie, Justin, MIke, and his wife Shelly went out to dinner together to catch up and stuff. I could just tell that Justin was so happy to finally be talking to his brother again. It's so beautiful. I wish I could talk to Michael as easily as Justin can; it's just so WEIRD for me. I've just really met Mike this past spring, and even then we hadn't really talked much. And now this happened...but I guess Shelly is telling him that he needs to stay in my life and that we need to talk more and stuff. I so want that. I can't even describe how much I want that. Even just from the past week, he's the sweetest man I've ever met and I just want the opportunity to know my brother. I love him so much and I never realized how much I missed him, despite not really know him. It's like the thing with my dad, in a way. I want so badly to know my dad, but I know I can never do that so I miss him a lot...okay maybe not the same thing. But still. Hahaha. And then me and Justin are definitely closer now; at the wake we sat together and we both started crying during the sermon, and the songs, and everything. We just sat together and hugged each other and there was so much crying. Mike didn't sit up next to us, which was really disappointing. \: But I guess he's just not ready for that quite yet. It kind of stung...but I still love him so much already. I can see he's going to be good for me. Him and Justin both.
Things are starting to get a little bit more normal...only a little bit though. Yesterday and Tuesday nights me and Mike and Justin and Debbie and Shelly went to my place to go through boxes of stuff; we actually got a lot done. But yeah, it's going to be a long time before things get back to normal.
I am getting some new stuff though. I have a car, thanks to a friend of Debbie's. And the La Vista police department is getting me a bass guitar for Christmas ;___; And then Saturday I think I'm getting a cell phone [[[[: Holly has dibs on being the first person to get my phone number; I'm going to text her the second I can. ;D
Tonight's one of those nights where I just....really need David, and wish I could cuddle with him and just fall asleep laying with him. I don't want or need therapy or counseling. I just need to be with David for a little while, and I need HIM to tell me I'll be all okay ._.
But since it's thanksgiving, I guess I should thank a very special person. Holly, thank you for listening to me vent about everything, and being here for me through the past week. And the flowers, those meant the entire world to me and I wish I could keep them forever. D: And don't think that because I'm saying "all I need is David," "David's the only thing that can make me happy," etc means that you aren't helping. Because you ARE. A whole hell of a lot and I appreciate it so much. I told Debbie today, "Holly's like my personal little therapist!" She really likes you and she realizes how much you mean to me and everything. :3 So thank you for being here for me and for being my best friend. I love you.<3
-Christie