Quite Possibly One Of My Best...

[xfreudianxslipx]

Red stains her lips;
Blood and rouge
Are not enough to please him

She shuts her eyes
And feels the night
She tastes the rain
From his eyes

Red stains his lips;
Her blood and rouge;
She’s not enough to please him

She shuts her eyes
And feels the night
She tastes the rain
From his eyes

All that remains is left unspoken

Comments?

Comments

[dysmorphism]

The thematic flow is really quite nice. I'm not a huge fan of the choral rhymes - for some reason they strike me as missing something. Maybe the repetition of the word "eyes". Were you aiming for something specific with that?

The first stanza is awesome. You have good overall style.

-Sarah (thanks for the add, by the by)

[xfreudianxslipx]

I was looking to emphasize "eyes".. just the concept that the man and woman look at their situation in different ways.

Thank you so much, dear :)

[dysmorphism]

You go to Avondale? Do you know Paul Moleiro?

[xfreudianxslipx]

I'm actually going to start going to Avondale during this schoolyear coming up... so I don't know anyone yet. Sorry :(

You don't go there, do you?

[chelseapigeon]

Love it!

"She tastes the rain
From his eyes"

Thats my favorite part.
<3

[xfreudianxslipx]

Thank you so much!!! :)
<3