(no subject)
Today I just realized how short life is. I know this is going to be the corniest post I've ever made, but it's how I feel right now. All this damn drama's coming again, but at the same time, I feel like I'm finally starting to fit in with people. I know that sounds like I felt uncomfortable before, but now I really feel like I'm "growing up" I guess...if that makes sense...
I hate myself sometimes. I really do. I have some of the worst habbits ever. I spend WAY too much time online and thinking about going online. I like being depressed. Like a lot of people, I love attention, just when it's from the right person. I need to pull up my grades. Seriously. I feel so lucky that my mom hasn't seen my report card yet...I don't think...but I already know I'm like...failing algebra. And saying that I'm in algebra makes me feel stupid. I don't know why. Everyone around me seems to be growing up and getting their shit together, and I feel like I've been in the same place for the longest time. I just hate looking at myself in the mirror. I hate seeing the side of me that really shows, and I deny it everytime I think of it. The saddest part is, I have no idea why I feel this way. My feelings are mixed up and I have no idea what I want. Somedays, I hate my mom, others, I hate myself. I hate my dad. Plain and simple. Just because of all the things that have happened in the past. I hate his fatass wife. I hate her daughter, who seems to get me pretty well, but I'm still finding it harder and harder each time to open up to her and tell her what's REALLY going on. It seems that I can only tell people that I don't know about my problems. I guess I'm afraid of what my friends think, even though I'm not really hiding anything. Even though I'm not, I still feel like I am. I feel like a liar. When someone asks me if I've seen something of theirs, I automatically think to myself that they might think it's me, even though it's not, and I have to play it off like it's not me, and that I feel bad. I don't slit my wirsts, although sometimes I think that I should. I feel dirty, that I need to restart my life. But I can't, and that bugs the living shit out of me. If you're actually reading this, you're probably thinking that the "Life is too short" thing was pictures, then you see this huge paragraph and go, "Oh damn, nevermind. It's too damn long." Which is totally fine. I don't know why I keep going on about this. Now that I think of it, I think that I'm depressed, but if I say it, it makes me think that people are going to say that I'm a "wanna-be emo" or something. Half the time, I don't know what I'm depressed over, I just want to sit down and cry.
I've decided to cut that short, my emotions could go on. My mom's outside in her car right now, doing nothing. All this made me realize that life is way to short to be waisted, and I know that with this entry, I've waisted minutes, but at the same time I've managed to sort things out. I don't care if you comment or not, I just wanted to put this out. My grandma had a stroke today, my mom seems like she's drunk; she's not, she's just as depressed as I am. I just got through crying because I had to see her like that. It doesn't normally bother me, I just saw her and gave her a hug and we stood there crying. She kept mumbling, but the only thing I heard was, "My mother...I know I'm more wiser than she was..." And it made me cry more after I seemed to realize that she was saying. "Listen to me, I know what's right."
The thing I'm most confused about is how I LOVE being depressed. I ENJOY feeling this way. Sometimes I want to murder someone, kill myself if I have to. But you don't have to worry about that, I'm staying here. Part of me wants to be abused, to abuse myself. I'm not sure how to end this, because it seems like there is no end to what I've been talking about, but what I can say is that I'm going to wake up with bags under my eyes and think about tonight.